Saugatucking

The Dunes and the Saugatuck Michigan area were descended upon by many of the transgendered community these past few days for its annual Saugatuck/ Dunes weekend. For the first time ever I attended this relaxing long weekend of shopping, sightseeing, dining, wine tasting and apple picking or whatever you wanted to do on a gorgeous and beautiful fall weekend on the shores of Lake Michigan! The Dunes weekend is something my girlfriend Paula has attended for many years and this year she had me join her for the wonderful festivities. The Dunes weekend, in the quaint villages of Saugatuck and Douglas Michigan, is different than many other transgendered “events” in that it is really not and event as it is a gathering. There are no seminars or workshops like that of SCC or the Be-all and there are no formal structured social activities like tours or such as with the Erie Gala or others but instead one is free to do whatever they want to do and relax in the gorgeous scenery of the lake shore villages. The lovely towns are loaded with little shops for art works book stores, jewelry and clothing boutiques. One can stroll around the little streets for hours moseying into one shop after another looking for deals and such. No chain stores here my friends!! As with my tradition, I collected a Christmas ornament from Saugatuck as I do every place I go.(At Christmastime, I decorate a tree with ornaments I have collected from all over the US, Canada and other parts of the world on my travels). I found some other little odds and ends as well.
The weather was gorgeous for a weekend in October. Sunny skies prevailed all weekend long which actually began Thursday night with arrival and visit to the Dunes complex which is a hotel with cabins and rooms adjacent to the club and bar which has dance floor, bar area, recreation room for pool and such and a cabaret room for shows. This year featured a visit from a duo of a beautiful singer with a great sense of humor and a musical range of extensive quality and her partner the piano player. I enjoyed the production immensely as did Paula and all who attended. Thursday night I karaoke and I again confirmed my lack of musical talent and Friday night is a big dance night although I played a few rounds of pool winning absolutely none of course. I play pool as badly as I sing but its all in fun! During the shops fill with people including many from our beautiful community and evenings and morning provide wonderful opportunities to sample some good and inexpensive cuisine. I loved the food everywhere I went to eat over the long weekend. The beautiful weather also provided opportunities for site seeing such places as the Lake shore, wineries where I sampled some good Michigan wines and bought a few for the holidays. You can go apple orchard picking or raspberry picking or view the colorful skylines on the highways around the area as fall puts it spectacular colors into play! Paula and I also went to a place that had standing lines to get in to eat at 2:00 in the afternoon and a long line to buy a homemade pie and we bought one from Crane’s Pie Pantry. It was a very delicious pumpkin pie and I absolutely crave pumpkin pies in the fall! The weekend was relaxing and very enjoyable although not without glitches. I went off without my makeup or toiletries but through a few lending sisters, Paula’s pills and a visit to Rite Aid Pharmacy, I recovered and survived. Paula had key trouble. The first night she forgot the key to the room and we had to wake the owner up at 2:00 am to get us another key to get in the room. Needless to say, he was not a happy camper. On Friday night Paula left the key in our door all night but not only is the area very LGBT friendly it is also safe and no harm was done. The glitches were minor and it was a indeed a wonderful weekend and chance to see some old friends like Wendy, Mandie, Erica, Janie and Jennifer and meet some new friends as well. I highly recommend a visit to Saugatuck and the Dunes if you get the chance in late spring, summer or early fall. The winter however, is not for the fainthearted with massive snowfalls and lakefront winds. You will not be disappointed otherwise and will enjoy some friendly hospitality. Now if those Yankees could actually make some good grits for this southern girl they would have it made indeed!

Fall, Football and Being Yourself

The beautiful sunny fall weekend with blue skies and bright sun provided yet another opportunity for me to do something “a bit challenging” for my current life as Melissa. I attended my homecoming festivities and first college football game as Melissa this past weekend at my alma mater- West Virginia University. The setting was perfect and the weather as delightful as one could expect for a fall October weekend. Paula and ventured over to Morgantown for the festivities with the assurance she would root for my alma in the battle with the Syracuse Orange despite her fixation with Big Ten and her alma mater Michigan State. I needed her support as well since I would be sitting in the same seats I have sat in for 19 years with a crowd of many who have set there for 19 years with me in that other mode I paraded around in until a few months ago.
We left Friday morning early as we were both scheduled for a round of electrolysis with my technician and friend Sharon. Paula will start using her when she moves down here fulltime at beginning of next month. She truly enjoyed meeting her and Sharon is a sweet kind wonderful person and electrolysis tech who works very hard and dos a superb job painfully removing the hair follicles from my face. From there we stopped and ate a Sonic and it was my first time eating there ever at a place Paula has a fondness for and the burger was delicious! We checked in our hotel and freshened up before heading into downtown Morgantown to watch the Homecoming parade. I always loved this event. This year the fraternities and sororities made floats depicting various countries and I love watching the alumni band march and perform and some of those guys carrying tubas and drums had a few years on them and the majorettes probably should not have been wearing the skirts at their ages but what they have they displayed proudly indeed. The current Mountaineer band is one of the largest and best performing college bands in America. I was particularly impressed with the fact that the LGBTQ college students marched in the parade with great pride and that is something I never saw in college there or until recent years to be honest. I was proud of them and Paula and I were among only handful that clapped for the group. It’s still progress. Following the parade, we proceeded to my favorite restaurant in Morgantown-Oliverios. If you ever find yourself there I highly recommend it! The food is phenomenal and some of the best Italian you can find for the very reasonable prices. However, the visit did result in an “incident which left a sour taste in my mouth for sure. We were waiting for out table by the bar when a “good friend” who has known me for twenty years and whose children were watched by my daughter and who I worked with came in to dine and saw me. She panicked and after making a few glances my way looked away and hid her head with her hand as she sat. When her husband arrived (who has known and worked with me for 23 years) a few minutes later they left to eat elsewhere just as our table was called. I am sorry they acted that way I really am. I will go anywhere I want to go and I am not ashamed of whom I am as a person but I was disappointed they acted that way. I was disappointed with their actions and I thought they were friends but I guess that was only when I was pretending to be someone I was not! I will miss them as friends but their actions spoke loud and clear to me. I am not someone to be ashamed of at all. I love who I am and I will never be ashamed for being Melissa. It is silly to be ashamed of who you are as a human being.
Saturday morning following breakfast we proceeded to the stadium for the noon kickoff. It was a beautiful sunny day and I guided us to my entrance on the east side of the stadium which is the same entrance the students enter on and I saw my son who did not see me. He is not ready to do so either so I stayed in the shadows of people until safely passed. It was so hard to do and I wanted to go over and hug him but I did not want to embarrass him and he is not even close to being ready. He looks so different from just a few months ago and I wonder how much of his life I will miss until we can reconnect again. Paula and I headed to my seats I have sat in for so very long. She kept saying I could leave now if I was not up to this task. I assured I was ready and confident although I had my doubts from time to time this past week. I mean the people who attend Mountaineer games are fanatical, usually heavily intoxicated from tailgating and lest face it – WV has a tendency to be bit redneck. I watched the pregame festivities and run onto the field and enjoyed watching my team I love play but it was a also different. I was calmer than I have ever been and while I cheered for them, I did not boo like many other’s did when the team played sluggishly and I did not get so wrapped up in it as well. It was fun and I enjoyed it as Melissa. The Eeers won this one (whoooooo hoooooooo) and no one said a word to me, either out of fear or they did not recognize me or they were occupied with the activity on the field. Whatever the reason I enjoyed doing something I always enjoyed doing but this time as who I truly am– Melissa. It’s a better and calmer way to enjoy the game and fun as well. A great day in the sunshine on a beautiful fall day and I look forward to my return in the future.

Fulltime Conferencing

Life at a transgendered conference is surely different for a full time girl! This week, following a road trip to Atlanta with Paula and Tara, I attended Southern Comfort Conference, the largest transgendered conference in the world. 844 people attended SCC this year and although down from last year’s 982 it was a great showing of transgendered people in a tough economy. The conference is a wonderful time to see old friends and make some new one which I did both o for sure. It was great to see old friends like Linda, Jia and Danielle as well as some regulars from the area like Barbie, Jenni, Lana and Chloe. I met some wonderful new people like Karen, Raquel and Cheryl as well as a very cool couple from Nova Scotia Canada in Emma and Jen. Jen was the first transwoman to transition in Nova Scotia and she and Emma did a wonderful workshop on post transitional issues which was extremely thought provoking.
The site of the SCC provides an excellent source of shopping and dinning experiences and I took full advantage of them- finding both great deals on clothes (a business suit for fewer than fifty bucks and a business jacket to accessorize some slacks and skirts for my professional activities). I also found some very pretty jewelry. Paula and I dined with Cheryl and her wife Beth one evening and I am sure she found our conversation intriguing to say the least. I attended some wonderful workshops on areas that are now my focus. In years past it was topics such as transition, hormones, electrolysis and coming out to others. Those have already happened for me and now the focus is on completing my anatomical changes to bring my body in line with my inner soul and essence. I attended several workshops on GRS and FFS and met with several surgeons on consults for these procedures coming up in 2009. Based on them and on my extensive research for many months and interviews with former patients, I made decision on both the procedures and plan to have FFS with Dr. Spiegel in Boston Mass and GRS with Dr. Christine McGinn in Doylestown Penn. Hopefully, if all goes well I will have had these procedures all completed by the middle of 2009 and following recovery continue to move forward in my life.
SCC also provided its second annual Career Fair and I submitted resumes and talked with various employers about possibilities and opportunities in their companies. I plan to submit more resumes online as well and I am also seriously exploring a partnership with a local transgendered girl and meanwhile working some freelance projects in the area. It will take some time to get it all sorted out but it will come and I will succeed and move forward in my life professionally as well. Now the SCC is also fun for evening socializing and I took full advantage of the same. There is a very friendly and cool club in the beltway called Le Buzz which providing some good fun for all!! I believe one of my highlights of this conference was the ability to attend workshops conducted by two of my favorite authors of the transgendered community in Donna Rose and Jenny Boylan- the authors of two of my favorite memoirs of transgendered people “Wrapped in Blue” and “She’s Not There” I had the time to chat with both and Donna delivered a very stirring and powerful address to the convention on Saturday afternoon of courage and conviction. I got both of them to sign my books with a personal note and I will treasure those meetings and I look forward to meeting them in the future as well.
The big difference for me at this SCC is that when I left I departed as who I am and in the manner I live my life everyday. I saw the sadness in many faces of “men” as they were leaving the hotel after living their dreams for a few days and nights. In the elevator I heard one of the boi mode attendees turn and say to another “ Well I guess it is time to return to reality” I kind of chuckled and chimed in….well for some of us this is reality. Today I continue living my life fulltime as Melissa and enjoying life as much as I can with passion and conviction and a sense of opportunity and contentment I have not felt in years. It is truly different experience and I am embracing it as well as I can and enjoying it all. I am more peaceful than I have ever been in my life and I know this is the right path for me. Find your peace whatever and wherever that may be on the spectrum that encompasses our community and live it and enjoy it! Hugs to all my friends in our broad and loving transgendered community!

Melissa Marie Alexander!!!!!

“Russ I have known you for a very long time, and you know what you ask me to do is permanent, are you absolutely sure you want this? ( Judge O’Hanlon on last question from bench to me at hearing) …….Yes your honor, I very much want this Sir (me)……Ok… your petition is GRANTED and here are your certified copies of the order (Judge O’Hanlon)……. “With these simple words Judge Dan O’Hanlon executed my Court Order in the Circuit Court of Cabell County West Virginia and granted my long sought desire to have the government officially recognize me for who I always have been and to begin to bring me peace in my life as I live fulltime as Melissa. With that order, my life can begin anew as Melissa Marie Alexander. I can move forward with the knowledge that my identification now reflects who I always have been despite my old shell’s best attempt to hide her away for so long. I had the biggest smile on my face I have ever had in so long in a courtroom and I thought some of my sisters who came to witness it were going to have to peal me off the ceiling of the hallway as I exited the courtroom following hugs of joy and much happiness!! Paula even got a picture of me outside the Courthouse with my order to mark the occasion. I did not have much time to dawdle though as I quickly sped off to Social Security Administration for a new Social Security Card and to DMV for a new driver’s license. Only this time….the picture and name now reflect who I truly am and really always have been! I will freely admit I pulled it out a few times that day just to look at it in order to make sure I was not dreaming!! When the waitress asked us for ID last night at our celebration party I whip my new ID out so fast I nearly tore the plastic off it…I dropped off my passport application in the mail to get my new passport as Melissa as I proceeded about the day. I don’t think I could have been any higher than I was that day. September 26, 2008…….Melissa Marie Alexander becomes recognized by the government as real person. I am so very excited and so very happy!! I mailed off letters with certified copies to my creditors so they too can share my joy (actually so they can find me and my credit cards and accounts will have my proper name and address.)

Many people have asked me how I came to be named Melissa or why I chose Melissa as the name of my true identity. I know many times transgendered girls identify their feminine name by feminizing their given name at birth. For example, Paula feminized Paul; a Tony can become a Tonya or Carl becomes Carla. Others are not able to do so without their name sounding a bit silly so they pick a name that is feminine but it at least begins with the same letter. For example, George becomes Gina or Jim becomes Jane. However, I could only think of one name which would be a feminizing version of my birth name and that was Rochelle but I never connected with that name even in the slightest. Other “R” names were eliminated as well such as Ruth (my mother) and Renee or Rose since they never connected with me as well. For as far back as I can recall I have been Melissa. The first time I ever presented myself fully (head to toe) in my mother’s bedroom as a woman at the age of 14, I looked in her full length mirror and the name sort of came to me …….I saw Melissa ….I whispered “Melissa” back at the reflection. It seemed to come from within me and the name stuck with me always and from that point forward, I knew who I really was but then spent many years trying to drive her out of my shell. She was resilient and she endured much in many years of repression, struggle and secrecy but she hung on and now she has been recognized by the government! Now some people wondered why I did not chose to keep “Pink” as my last name and even today, I know some in our community only know me as Melissa Pink- my persona I operated under for many years in my cloak and secrecy so people would not find out who I am. Although my friend Chloe calls me Melissa Alexander when she tells someone she is coming to visit me, she will say Melissa Alexander and others will say “who” and she says …you know “Melissa Pink”. Now I hope the whole world knows me for whom I truly am and many people I have known over the years know -so a made up name such as” Pink” did not seem appropriate at all.

Alexander is my given last name and it should stay that way. I am proud to be a member of my family and even if all my family is not so thrilled with me transitioning and probably my parents, if alive, would have been not as enthralled with me as Melissa, Alexander is my last name and I will use it proudly. Now the middle name has been something in flux for me for sometime now. I was seriously considering using “Ann” which was associated with Melissa Ann Pink but I did not like the flow of it with Melissa Alexander. I even toyed briefly with the idea of using the initial “P” with my name but I wanted a real name there and not imply a middle initial. I had already gone through life living with one of those already in my first name. (I still remember my daughter when she was young telling her teacher that “my Daddy’s first name is” R.” – said as “R period”) I chose Marie because it was the middle name of my mother, grandmother and great grandmother. It was the middle name given to the girls in my family and had I been born in the proper gender to begin with I found out my mother would have given me Marie as my middle name. So I think it is entirely appropriate that I am named Marie as well!

So there it is…… …..my new legal name ……………Melissa Marie Alexander. I love it so very much! Now my name matches my true identity….the girl I have always been and always will be and I have moved forward in my life. I have much to travel to undergo in my journey. But at least now along my journey I can carry all my documents and such which actually match my true self and my true identity……

Melisa Marie Alexander (2008- )…………….Long live the girl!!!!

R. Russell Alexander (1960-2008)……. Rest in Peace ………Today, the shell got buried!

Pictured above is me taken on the day of my name change hearing. Wooooooohoooooooooooo!!

Dark Ages, Families and Firsts

Sunday morning at the new abode and I am still living in the dark ages! You know the ‘dark ages” – the time period before Cable TV and the internet. Last week’s violent storm left me in the dark for a while and our power line ripped from the house and laying across the yard and upper floor deck as pieces of wood shattered about the roof. The power got restored in a day but I am now entering my eighth day without internet or Cable TV as apparently the storm winds tore apart our service and left me in the dark ages. Paula is still only here a few days a week and Jenny is back out in NM for work after her return home for less than forty eight hours. So I am left alone and facing the dark ages. One does not begin to realize how much one needs the internet until they are without it for any length of time. I have to bring my computer everywhere to find other sources of the “information highway”. It is roughing for sure my friends. The internet is how I run my business and find work. It is how I stay connected to friends…….it is how I find out what is going on the world. I get e-mails from old friends who find out about me and offer their support. I stay connected with my lawyer back in Huntington as I work my way through the tangles of the divorce and my legal name change. What miniscule reports or news (or chastising) I get from my immediate family comes from the internet. I feel like I got off the information highway at an exit only to find there was no return to the road. Maybe I can some guy in long trench coat out there somewhere in a seedy alley selling internet. (Hey baby…….need a connection??) I hope they get this straightened out soon. One can only live in the dark ages so long.
My middle part of the week was exciting as I attended my first professional event and Board meeting for my MPI Chapter as Melissa. I was welcomed with open arms at the Board meeting and no one even slipped up on name or pronoun. I was very pleased indeed! I met up with some of my friends in the ladies room of the Hilton Hotel where I received several hugs and a warm welcome the “club”. The luncheon had about 90 people there and it was great program and I found much more support and understanding. Several women had long chats with me about my transition, the future and life as a woman. Again I got all sorts of hugs and much support and understanding and for my first time doing anything professionally, it went pretty well. I was very happy that day and I know I can function as Melissa in professional settings. I have some resumes in and some wonderful business opportunities I am exploring including partnering with another TS sister on a business venture. I feel the best way to approach anything in work settings is to be confident and stay relaxed which helps you fit in and blend into the new situations for others as well as you.
Finally this past weekend Paula and I did our first entertaining as Jenny had returned for a quick fix of laser and some fresh clothes and we hosted dinner for her parents. Jenny’s parents were exceptionally super people and I, as well as Paula, thoroughly enjoyed meeting them and it is so nice when parents ultimately accept and embrace you for who you are as a person. I also enjoyed cooking and baking for guests and because her mother is a vegetarian I decided to make an old recipe I have for vegetarian lasagna and some fresh break. Jenny grilled some Italian sausage and her mother made a fruit salad that was out so delicious. Good food led to good company and delightful chats and shortly after mother and father left her sister and her husband and niece and had a wonderful time chatting with them as well. Jenny’s sister is very supportive of her and it was good to see them share things with each other and they seemed to have grown closer since jenny came out. Paula and I enjoyed meeting them so much! On Sunday, I got a call from my friend Chloe who wanted to take advantage of the beautiful weather to fly with Denny to visit and I was so glad she called. Paula and I met them at the airport with her children in tow and we had a bite to eat and we showed them the house and chatted about our lives and changes and the upcoming trip to SCC in Atlanta. The kids enjoyed the cats and beautiful lovely parrot and we shuttled them back out to the airport for their return and went back to the house to finally relax. It was a most wonderful weekend of visits indeed.
I snuck in an hour internet over the weekend by driving to Panera Bread and I found several wonderful e-mails of support. Apparently, I am the topic of much discussion in my old town so I might as well enjoy it for in a month or two it will be all blown over and I will be yesterday’s news. However, for the moment my website is apparently generating many hits of curious seekers as the hit meter is evidently spinning like a turnstile. Now if I can only find some internet I can post this blog and maybe check out the hit meter. Dark ages seem to be all around me and I feel like a a CNN reporter announcing…………………..
“Day nine and the internet and cable are still being held hostage!”
Pictured above is me with my good friend Debbie Dunkle taken three months ago who I will see again next week in Atlanta for SCC

Name Limbo, Family Distance, Purple Cows and Chocolate Chip Cookies

Chocolate Chip Cookies, purple cows, the absence of family contact and being in name limbo occupy my time this week as I continue to move forward in my life living it fulltime as Melissa. I received my first and only e-mail from my wife since our separation and all without a call or e-mail from either of my children. I have not spoken to my son in six weeks and I will tell you ladies- that hurts very deeply. I love my children but I know I must give them some space and time and hope that someday they will want to speak to me, see me and even spend some time with me as their parent who loves them so very much! The letter from the wife was most interesting in that it was mostly filled with poignant barbs and facts about the expenses and car titles and lawyers and absolutely nothing about how she is coping, what our children are doing in their life. There were also some interesting points about this e-mail.

First it was sent to my business e-mil account and not my personal e-mail account. Want to know why? Because my personal e-mail account has the name Melissa in it and my business one does not. Why is this important to my wife? Because she cannot say the word “Melissa” despite the fact it is my name. The e-mail was not addressed to anyone – no name whatsoever. Secondly, my wife forwarded some mail to me this week as well. When I got the envelope it had no first name on it…..just blank space and then my last name. For God sake- how hard is it to call me by name- Melissa? I realized I have a long way to go to even reach the goals of at least being cordial friends with my soon to be ex-wife but the loving mother of our beautiful children. However, if my wife cannot even say my name or write it in letter or e-mail, then how are my children ever to learn of me and share any of our lives together? It is also very difficult operating without any bank accounts or any credit cards that match your identity you are presenting but I hope this will come to an end with my impending legal name change. I cannot move forward in my life without it for sure. Sometimes I feel like I am in “name limbo” all while undergoing the distancing of myself from my core family. The bridge I must walk on this journey is a long one!

Paula has been coming down to visit for three day weekends and move some of things to our new home in Ohio. We have been out exploring some of the community in which we reside. The people have been very friendly and I have enjoyed interacting with some of the people at the post office, Wal-Mart and Kroger’s Infact, I experienced my first male flirtation the other day in the meat department of the store while shopping as this scrappy, young rugged looking man wanted to discuss the thickness of bacon for some extended period of time. I almost laughed out loud. I think the best approach to people is to be friendly and smile and wish them a wonderful day. It always seems to help if they make me as TG or think I am GG. Paula brought down some old dressers which we worked on restoring them for use.

During the move in of some of her outfits Paula started commenting on her dresses including one she stated made her look like a cow. Since it was a purple dress I began teasing her on the “purple cow”. I am sure she is exaggerating on its effects but we did spend some time discussing “purple cows” and laughing. Paula has been experiencing my culinary skills as well and she claims she will gain fifty pounds when she moves here full time in late October or November. I will too if I don’t find a way to get some exercise like I use to when I lived in WV. I enjoy cooking and baking and have made some wonderful meals for myself or Paula if she is here although Jenny has been in NM for a couple weeks and has missed out on the delectable delights. I also found Paula’s great weakness in bake goods. I made some chocolate chip cookies- from scratch of course as any good chef should do so. Paula is certified devoted “chocolate chip cookie junkie”. She ate three within one minute of me putting them on cooling rack. She continued eating them all afternoon and then ate more for dessert. If I had not hid most of them she would have ate them all. I think Paula would sell her soul to the devil or her body to the streets for a batch of chocolate chip cookies. However it was nice to see her enjoy my culinary skills! I guess if she keeps eating those cookies she may turn into that dreaded purple cow!

The week ahead will be some new ground for me as I take on my first Board meeting and professional event as Melissa and this will be a great triumph for me but I will be nervous I am sure. I am going to rely on my strategy of smiling and greeting people and wishing them a great day! Maybe I should bake them some chocolate chip cookies too!