Thanksgiving- Past and Present

This week is Thanksgiving and it is hard to believe that the holidays are upon us again. It does not seem so long ago that I was celebrating this day for the first time with my partner Paula. Actually, it does not seem so long ago that I was celebrating this day with my family who now is so distant from me. However, even then we hardly ever celebrated the event in our own home. In twenty –five plus years my ex-wife and I and later our children celebrated this day in our own home only twice. We were always packing up and heading to my parent’s house or her parent’s house to celebrate this day. Year after year after year the process was repeated but at least I got to celebrate this day with my family.

I still vividly recall the last Thanksgiving with my parents. We were coming over to pick them up to take them out for dinner but my father was in such poor condition he could not get himself ready and we found him in night clothes at noon sitting with my mother who was only months from her death and who, by virtue of the ravishing hideous disease of Alzheimer’s had forgotten we were coming although we had just called to remind them the day before and the morning of Thanksgiving. I took my son down to Kroger’s after we cancelled our dinner reservations and we bought some supplies to make for our Thanksgiving and cooked it there and ate together with my parents for the last time in their house and the only house I ever knew until I left home. I knew that day it was likely the last time we would celebrate Thanksgiving together and in that house. A few days later my parent’s time in the house ended and their remaining days were spent living in a nursing home. Mom died just a couple months later- her long battle with the disease that had taken her dignity and her mind was over.

Thanksgiving 2006 was spent at the house of mother-in-law but also with my father. A group of us had driven over to the nursing home and lifted his weak deteriorating body from the wheelchair into my car and transported him to my mother-in- law’s house so he would not be alone that day and could celebrate Thanksgiving with his family. It would be his last one as death took him from me that spring. However, I remember how happy he was that day. It may have been one of last few happy days in his life for just about two weeks after Thanksgiving of 2006, my brother was killed in an accident and I had to go to the nursing home and tell him and rip this poor aging man’s heart out – he was never the same afterward and I was soon to morn his loss with that of my mother and brother.

In November of 2007, I was celebrating what would be my last Thanksgiving with my family. Again, it would be at my mother-in law’s place and I knew myself it was likely going to be my last one with them. I had already begun transition and my ex-wife and I had drifted so far apart we were walking around in fog of mistrust and uneasiness that would lead the next spring to our demise together and the closing off of all contact with my children I love and miss so dearly. I had a feeling of an omen that day that I could not shake and it even put a damper on the day. Flashbacks to the two Thanksgivings before only added to my sadness. So much had changed since the last “normal Thanksgiving I could recall in 2004.

Last year, Paula and I were fortunate to celebrate Thanksgiving with my last surviving members of my family outside of my children who had cut off all contact with me when we traveled to Pennsylvania to spend Thanksgiving with my sister-in-law and nephew and niece. The visit also coincided with my appointment with my surgeon who the next spring would finally alter my body to reflect my true spirit and essence of who I was and end the inner conflict that had had been with me for so many troubled years since my youth. It was also my first Thanksgiving with Paula and we also visited our friend who had just had surgery that week. It was a pleasant experience but I still sensed some uneasiness. Over the last year it seems that my relationship with them has deteriorated. This saddens me further and makes the memory of 2008 Thanksgiving almost seem like a last gathering of the Alexander’s.

Now we approach Thanksgiving 2009 and it seems that I am not the only one sort of feeling, for lack of better words, out of whack about this event. Paula is having some issues I can tell and it stems for the fact she spent her Thanksgiving with her family celebrating with her family- her mother and father, her two children and her pride and joy – her two grandchildren. Her parent have rejected her and cast her out as have her children and with that goes her contact with her the grandchildren she loves so dearly. I know all this bothers her deeply. Just the other week she took down the pictures of her family we had up in our townhouse and packed them- they only serve to remind her of people she cannot see and those who had rejected her and cast her out of their lives for being who she is as a person. I still have my pictures of my children up despite the fact they do not acknowledge my existence. The pictures may be all I will ever have to remind me of them in my life.

So it is with great trepidation Paula and I will spend Thanksgiving 2009 together. We plan to celebrate it with friends of ours from our community who have also seen pain and disconnection with their families and some other people I don’t even know that well and some not at all! Please don’t get me wrong- we love our friends very dearly but with what has gone on since 2004 and the loss of contact with my children, Thanksgiving fills me with a sense of sadness I cannot stand to even have on a such a wonderful day I have fond memories of- even as a child. I still can smell the pumpkin and apple pies baking in my mother’s kitchen and the deliciously tantalizing smell of the turkey and all the fixings emanating from the oven through the house that w would be filled soon with my brother, my grandparents and even an Aunt or two. I love watching the parade and dining on my mother’s incredible culinary delights and even relished the fact that the next day we would have leftovers as we began to prepare the house for Christmas that would not be far behind.

I also know that Thanksgiving is day of thanks for the gifts and blessing we have been bestowed. I am so very grateful for all our friends we love so much and who have deeply enriched our lives. Thank you for being part of lives and sharing your love. I will give thanks for them and I will also give thanks for my life with Paula and for the fact that we survived all of our surgeries this year. These are all truly wonderful gifts we have been bestowed and for which I am so very grateful. I cannot, however dwell that day on all that I have lost as well in the past five years. I cannot help but think upon the fact I no longer celebrate this day with my mother or father, brother or even my children or any others in my family. I will celebrate it with my partner Paula who I love so much and with a few friends who I have me part of their loving family through the threads of a shared anguish and discard from their loved ones and I will be thankful we have a place to go on this Thanksgiving- even if it is a church hall. However, if you see me close my eyes for a few moments don’t disturb me – for brief few moments I plan to slip away into another time period in my past and smell the aromas emanating from my mother’s kitchen and hear the sounds of my family gathering on this day. I will also give thanks for the memories I still cherish.

Best wishes for Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Pictured above is me in 1965 at my mother's house for Thanksgiving (I really wish however the picture had been of me in a nice pretty dress and a pair of Maryjanes instead of the dress pants and tie!!)

Stream Of Consciousness II

I have been remiss in writing my blogs lately primarily because I have been busy with getting myself settled in my new career of teaching which, by the way, is going pretty well. That has not however stopped my mind from accumulating thoughts and ideas to write about. So many thoughts have come to me over the last few weeks I decided to revisit an idea I did about two years ago when I wrote a blog entitled Stream of Consciousness. This blog was a bunch of mini blogs all in one on many different subjects, most of which are not even connected. So here goes……stream of consciousness two…….

I have never understood the opposition to legalized gambling on religious grounds or moral reasons and I have always supported such endeavors. I don’t care if Ohio only gets $25,000 in new revenue from all this (they will however, get a whole lot more!) it’s $25,000 more than they would have had if they did not have it. If it creates only 500 new jobs (and it will create far more) then so bit – it’s five hundred more than we had. From a pure financial and economic perspective it makes sense. The opposition on these grounds was weak at best and mostly just a belief Ohio should have done it differently or gotten a better deal (and maybe they should have) but the real opposition in this matter was on moral and religious grounds as it always is in these cases. I am having difficulty remembering where it is in the New Testament of Bible that gambling was held up to be a great evil! Yes if one gets out of control with anything such as drinking or gambling issues can arise but for the most people it is just another form of entertainment like dining out, going to baseball game or the movies or a Broadway performance. That is all I have ever viewed it as in society. If someone is opposed to doing it on some religious grounds then don’t do it. No one is holding a gun to your head to go or not go to the casinos. It’s part of free choice in society which I am a big believer in by the way. Like my father use to say, if you don’t like what is on T.V. change the channel- no one is making you watch that station.

Same- sex marriages and same sex unions are again in the news as Maine becomes the 31^st state (OUT of 31!) to reject it. Lead by our “morally justified” friends from Salt Lake Utah who have spent millions in California and Maine and most likely soon other places like Iowa to defeat the unions of two people who love each other in a committed relationship on the basis that both happen to have the same genitalia, the religious right (which by the way is NEITHER!) prances triumphantly in defense of its worn out religious dogma! The only references (and they are obscure at best on the subject comes from the Old Testament and the New Testament (upon which the entire premise of Christianity was founded in the first place!) make no mention of it. My thinking is simple this – if Jesus, as the founder of Christianity, thought that this was such a big moral issue I am sure he would have mentioned it in at least ONE of his teachings- YET he did not do so. And yet- it is these very Christians who oppose the loving union of two people who are of the same gender. The irony of this does not escape me and I know many Christians who do not feel this way but as long as the Baptists and Mormons and Catholics keep spouting their hate rhetoric on this issue change cannot take place. The fact of the matter is this; our society is not ready for same gender unions not matter how we label them. Before we can prevail on this issue more education and enlightenment needs to place in this country. One can start by seeing if they can get it through the right wing’s thick skulls that being gay, or lesbian or bi or transgendered is NOT a “choice” or a “lifestyle” it is simply who we are as people and have been since our early time on this planet. As a closing thought I sincerely belief this issue is one which will be ultimately won in federal courts and not the ballot box. Issues such as full faith and credit, equal protection and a judge like the one in California which says “OK opponents show me the evidence that demonstrates that same sex unions somehow destroy the validity and sanctity of your heterosexual union”…..plain and simple- it cannot be demonstrated and those in the right wing know this!

I will find it quite interesting in my life if I am somehow able to live long enough to witness the election of a President of this country from the Generation Y. We have seen the Presidents of the Great Society and skipped those of the Silent Generation because many perceived them as not being leaders like those of the Great generation. My generation (the Baby Boomers) is one that produced many great leaders in society and several Presidents. Today we have in office a member of Generation X holding down the Presidency. So I guess it is plausible someday I will see a member Generation Y (around 1982-1999) become President and it will be interesting indeed. Having been involved with teaching mostly those of this generation for a few months now I wonder how any of them can stay focused on anything for more than thirty minutes. They say it is because of the technology and gadgets they have to use and have experienced since they were small that their attention span is much more limited (and people of my time thought it was bad we watched the Idiot Box). These short attention spans will be entertaining indeed to observe as in the Presidency. I just hope state department meetings and negotiations with high level diplomats can be limited to less than 20-30 minutes …..Better yet let’s see if we can arrange a texting session with the leader of hostile third world nations. I just hope the leader is fluent in “Texting” so as to not lead to great misunderstandings!

While I poke some fun at those of the Gen-Y generation, I am happy to be teaching them. I really enjoy teaching. My reviews have been good and I like interacting with the young people. Teaching really is just that – interacting and exchanging thoughts and ideas. This process has given me great joy and a second or is it third career. I guess they liked my work as my course load more than doubled for the winter quarter and that is fine with me. One of the new classes I will be teaching is Ethics and there is a whole Chapter in the course devoted to LGBT issues (Guest Speaker anyone?). Hmmmm…how ironic is this….a teacher who is both L and T and good friends with many G and B’s, and in a same sex union herself discussing the ethical dilemmas and issues pertaining to LGBT including same sex unions. Ought to be some good discussion and questions in this one…..so long as I keep them to less than 20-30 minutes I suppose!!