There was a old saying that “you cannot go home again” which meant that if and when you do things will be so different that it is not the “home” you remembered it to be if you have been gone so long and everything changed. This is also because you have also changed since you left and for someone like me that change can be far more significant than most other people. However, I think that sometimes you can go home again in small doses and while there clearly there have been changes they can be put aside for period of time to reconnect with friends from the past. This is particularly true for attending a high school class reunion when one has experienced what I have been through in coming out as transgendered and going through all the changes I have been through over the last few years.
This past weekend I attended my 32nd high school class reunion. Now most of you not associated with my class are probably asking “32nd” class reunion? That seems like a strange number. Well I would have to agree with you on this but our class did not get together on our 25th or 30th so it had been since 1998 since our group had gathered and one of my classmates, Debbie Stith Arlinghaus decided we had waited long enough so she organized the gathering of the BHS Class of 1978. She put a lot work into planning the event and gathering up the gang and the turnout for the reunion was really truly fabulous. Facebook and other internet connections always make this process a bit easier than it used to be that is for sure.
When I first heard about the event I will admit that I did not immediately jump at the idea of “going back”. Things have not always gone well in the past when I have attempted to reconnect or stay connected to others in past periods of my life and I was not sure how this would play out as well. However, after a couple days of thinking about it and some chats with Debbie I decided it was not fair for me to assume anything about my old classmates (yes we are all old as about 99% of us hit 50 this year) and I should give them an opportunity to meet the person they did not know as well as they maybe thought they did in high school. Besides it would only be for a few hours so if it went sour I could always bail and return to my new home here with my partner and friends in Columbus. Despite the bit of trepidation I decided I would go so I reworked some things on my schedule and hopped in my car to head south on I-71. I had a few minutes to kill before heading out to the location of the event so I drove through my old hometown and drove by a few places that were always special to me as well as my high school and my home I was raised in and lived in until I left for WV.
I got out of my car and headed up the hill to where the event was taking place which was a nice bar with a great outdoor venue area and patio owned and operated by another classmate of mine Pam Reeves Caudill and her husband who also graduated from our school but not in the same class. I was immediately welcomed and hugged by Debbie and Pam and a host of other women from my class. Some like Kelly had had some experiences with peoplefrom the LGBT community. No- not those kinds of “experiences” but conversations and such but the fact she had been around others did not surprise me as Kelly was always the adventurous one in school!) The questions began and I answered all of them and kidded with them about the whole process and what had gone on over the last few years in my life and my journey. It was great to see everyone again and talk about our lives and even the past.
The internet is sometimes a double edged sword. While it clearly helped me connect with other people like me and learn more about events, community support and groups and such, it is also a source for vast information about someone or the aspects of one’s life that become revealed to others. My high school is in a large metro area of Cincinnati but the town itself is a small one and just like what had happened in my town where I lived in WV for over twenty years, the “news” of my life and transition and the fact I was transgendered did not stay under wraps for long. Apparently, just like the firestorm which hit my old town in WV, word spread like wildfire through my old hometown and place of birth just as fast. Evidently, many discovered a website I had created on my struggles and journey and my “secret life” but in all honesty I sometimes forget how easy it is to do so. I had become Facebook friends with some of them over the last year as well. So they all knew a lot more about me and what had on gone on my life over the last few years. A few out of town people obviously did not know what had transpired so that called for a bit more explaining.
Despite all this I think it was important that they got to meet the real me- the one they never even knew existed and who lived deeply buried in a tightly wrapped shell for a good part of my life. Maybe in the deep recesses of the back of my mind I thought maybe one day they might get that opportunity if I could find my way through the entanglements that could lead me to the other side and letting people see me for who I am and always really have been in this life- Melissa.
I still of course got a lot of questions and I answered them all the best I could and I do not consider anything to off limits. The learning process requires openness and honesty. I answered questions about my surgeries and transition both physically and legally. While I enjoyed catching up on what has gone on in their lives and work (it is hard to believe some of my classmates have grand kids!) I have to admit I did get a few “different” questions during the evening. Some of these included wondering whether “pink was my signature color” or “how I took the name Melissa” to the best one of the night which came after I explained the surgery and the fact I have a vagina now when I was asked “does it work?” Yes- it does work quite well thank you!
Most of my chats that evening were with the women in my class who I will say were just a bit more overall comfortable with me than some of the men but I kind of just expect that will occur in these situations. I usually get one or two of the men who still insist on addressing me in the wrong gender pronoun but that is expected. I had a nice chat with Jeff. Jack also listened as I tried to explain all this in a few minutes to him but at least his last question was right on point when he said “I don’t understand all this but are you happy with your life now?” and after answering affirmatively , he said , “I guess that is all that really matters”.
Dave Fessler was one of my good friends from high school and I received a warm hug from him and his lovely wife, Jill. He also sent me several messages before the event and after which I clearly enjoyed as well. In the one before he stated “Hello old friend. While this new you is taking some getting used to, you are as much a friend as always. Forgive me in advance though if I ever use your "old" name! Take care. In the one to follow the reunion he stated “Great to see you (and all our classmates) at the reunion. Hope all went well and you enjoyed yourself. Jill and I had a great time and I enjoyed seeing everyone.Beyond that, I wanted to share a quote with you that I often think about and which I think you will also appreciate. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that ‘What lies before us, and what lies behind us are small matters when compared to what lies within us.’ Take care, and God's grace be with you.”
Yes Dave I appreciate that quote very much and I think it is quite appropriate for me in my journey. I had a blast at the reunion and it was indeed so much fun to see everyone again and let them get acquainted with the person they did not know as well back in the old days but who by their actions and expressions have proven that form time to time you can go “home” again and always will be welcome when you do!
