Going Home Again-The Class Reunion

There was a old saying that “you cannot go home again” which meant that if and when you do things will be so different that it is not the “home” you remembered it to be if you have been gone so long and everything changed. This is also because you have also changed since you left and for someone like me that change can be far more significant than most other people. However, I think that sometimes you can go home again in small doses and while there clearly there have been changes they can be put aside for period of time to reconnect with friends from the past. This is particularly true for attending a high school class reunion when one has experienced what I have been through in coming out as transgendered and going through all the changes I have been through over the last few years.

This past weekend I attended my 32nd high school class reunion. Now most of you not associated with my class are probably asking “32nd” class reunion? That seems like a strange number. Well I would have to agree with you on this but our class did not get together on our 25th or 30th so it had been since 1998 since our group had gathered and one of my classmates, Debbie Stith Arlinghaus decided we had waited long enough so she organized the gathering of the BHS Class of 1978. She put a lot work into planning the event and gathering up the gang and the turnout for the reunion was really truly fabulous. Facebook and other internet connections always make this process a bit easier than it used to be that is for sure.

When I first heard about the event I will admit that I did not immediately jump at the idea of “going back”. Things have not always gone well in the past when I have attempted to reconnect or stay connected to others in past periods of my life and I was not sure how this would play out as well. However, after a couple days of thinking about it and some chats with Debbie I decided it was not fair for me to assume anything about my old classmates (yes we are all old as about 99% of us hit 50 this year) and I should give them an opportunity to meet the person they did not know as well as they maybe thought they did in high school. Besides it would only be for a few hours so if it went sour I could always bail and return to my new home here with my partner and friends in Columbus. Despite the bit of trepidation I decided I would go so I reworked some things on my schedule and hopped in my car to head south on I-71. I had a few minutes to kill before heading out to the location of the event so I drove through my old hometown and drove by a few places that were always special to me as well as my high school and my home I was raised in and lived in until I left for WV.

I got out of my car and headed up the hill to where the event was taking place which was a nice bar with a great outdoor venue area and patio owned and operated by another classmate of mine Pam Reeves Caudill and her husband who also graduated from our school but not in the same class. I was immediately welcomed and hugged by Debbie and Pam and a host of other women from my class. Some like Kelly had had some experiences with peoplefrom the LGBT community. No- not those kinds of “experiences” but conversations and such but the fact she had been around others did not surprise me as Kelly was always the adventurous one in school!) The questions began and I answered all of them and kidded with them about the whole process and what had gone on over the last few years in my life and my journey. It was great to see everyone again and talk about our lives and even the past.

The internet is sometimes a double edged sword. While it clearly helped me connect with other people like me and learn more about events, community support and groups and such, it is also a source for vast information about someone or the aspects of one’s life that become revealed to others. My high school is in a large metro area of Cincinnati but the town itself is a small one and just like what had happened in my town where I lived in WV for over twenty years, the “news” of my life and transition and the fact I was transgendered did not stay under wraps for long. Apparently, just like the firestorm which hit my old town in WV, word spread like wildfire through my old hometown and place of birth just as fast. Evidently, many discovered a website I had created on my struggles and journey and my “secret life” but in all honesty I sometimes forget how easy it is to do so. I had become Facebook friends with some of them over the last year as well. So they all knew a lot more about me and what had on gone on my life over the last few years. A few out of town people obviously did not know what had transpired so that called for a bit more explaining.

Despite all this I think it was important that they got to meet the real me- the one they never even knew existed and who lived deeply buried in a tightly wrapped shell for a good part of my life. Maybe in the deep recesses of the back of my mind I thought maybe one day they might get that opportunity if I could find my way through the entanglements that could lead me to the other side and letting people see me for who I am and always really have been in this life- Melissa.

I still of course got a lot of questions and I answered them all the best I could and I do not consider anything to off limits. The learning process requires openness and honesty. I answered questions about my surgeries and transition both physically and legally. While I enjoyed catching up on what has gone on in their lives and work (it is hard to believe some of my classmates have grand kids!) I have to admit I did get a few “different” questions during the evening. Some of these included wondering whether “pink was my signature color” or “how I took the name Melissa” to the best one of the night which came after I explained the surgery and the fact I have a vagina now when I was asked “does it work?” Yes- it does work quite well thank you!

Most of my chats that evening were with the women in my class who I will say were just a bit more overall comfortable with me than some of the men but I kind of just expect that will occur in these situations. I usually get one or two of the men who still insist on addressing me in the wrong gender pronoun but that is expected. I had a nice chat with Jeff. Jack also listened as I tried to explain all this in a few minutes to him but at least his last question was right on point when he said “I don’t understand all this but are you happy with your life now?” and after answering affirmatively , he said , “I guess that is all that really matters”.

Dave Fessler was one of my good friends from high school and I received a warm hug from him and his lovely wife, Jill. He also sent me several messages before the event and after which I clearly enjoyed as well. In the one before he stated “Hello old friend. While this new you is taking some getting used to, you are as much a friend as always. Forgive me in advance though if I ever use your "old" name! Take care. In the one to follow the reunion he stated “Great to see you (and all our classmates) at the reunion. Hope all went well and you enjoyed yourself. Jill and I had a great time and I enjoyed seeing everyone.Beyond that, I wanted to share a quote with you that I often think about and which I think you will also appreciate. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that ‘What lies before us, and what lies behind us are small matters when compared to what lies within us.’ Take care, and God's grace be with you.”

Yes Dave I appreciate that quote very much and I think it is quite appropriate for me in my journey. I had a blast at the reunion and it was indeed so much fun to see everyone again and let them get acquainted with the person they did not know as well back in the old days but who by their actions and expressions have proven that form time to time you can go “home” again and always will be welcome when you do!

The "L" Word

Shooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhh……….…….Say the letter softly when you are transgendered woman- even if the letter applies to you. You know what letter I am talking about ……………….the infamous “L” word. For you see, I am a part of that community as well even if the other genetic born members of the community don’t always see it that way. Too often when those of us in the transgendered community speak to people about who we are and our life we get many questions focused not on our gender identity issues but wrapped up in our sexuality. Most of us try to explain that one’s gender identity and one’s sexuality are separate and distinct subjects and the mere fact that one is transgendered does not define whether they will be straight, bi, gay or part of the “L” community. Gender identity is just that – how one self identifies themselves as to their gender even if vastly different than the physical parts provided at birth based on the inner soul and essence of being. I always identified as female. I transitioned my outer appearance and body through, presentation, hormones, laser, electro and three surgical procedures to get it to fit my inner self and present myself as the woman I always knew I was in my heart, soul and mind. Sexual orientation is a separate entity based on who I am attracted to as woman.

So as a woman in my heart, soul and mind and now my body to match it, my attraction sexually has been to other women. Even when I lived the other life inside the shell I always imaged myself as a woman making love and intimate with other woman. To me, nothing can come close to the touch, passion and intimacy that is experienced in being with another woman- even if I am one myself. However, that makes me part of the “L” word. I am now involved in a loving beautiful and committed relationship with my partner Paula who like me is also woman and a transwoman. She always felt inside her misfit body that she was a woman in heart mind and soul and she has spent her time transitioning her body to fit this essence as well much in the same manner as I did over the years. When we met and began our friendship which blossomed over a year or so into a wonderful romance we always saw the other for whom we really were and the shells as merely work in progress. Our love for each other blossomed and grew and we helped each other through the last parts of the physical transitional process. We are committed to each other and although we have our disagreements from time to time like any couple does we work through them as two women who care and love each other. Next month we will celebrate our love in a union/ commitment ceremony at our church with our wonderful friends. Two women in love with each other and wanting to be together as partners in this life together makes us part of the “L” community as it should be.

However, both of us have encountered some “less than understanding” members of the “L” word who have looked down upon us and even a few that have been outright hostile to us and clearly do not see us as members of the “L” community- although I am not always sure where they see us as being. We have developed many friends who are part of the “L” community and many of whom are helping us celebrate our wedding and many of whom I could not imagine my life without them being a part of it. I know many who were curious about Paula and I and our life as transgendered woman and our love for each other as women. We always have been open with anyone who asks about it. We have shared our stories, our transition and our surgeries with many in the “L” as we believe that only by sharing and discussing it with others can growth and understanding take place. We have also shared with many of our sisters our love for each other and at least in our assessment our feelings about being part of the “L’ word.

I am sure that many in the “L” scene long ago believed that you are “born woman” and being part of the “L” community meant that you must be a genetic born woman which left many of us in the transgendered community scratching our head sometimes. As we see it, we were “born woman” but somebody put the wrong body parts on us as if playing a sick and cruel joke on us which we struggle with, deal with and finally come to grips with in our transitions to adjust this mix up at the beginning. Many in the “L” community have long since left that old way of thinking anyway and have themselves grown and many are our friends today who have enriched our lives so very deeply!

However, there are some old school thinkers still among the “L” scene. The Ohio “L” Festival welcomes all womym including those who are transgendered. So does the Women’s Music Festival (Wimfest) and we find that so refreshing and enlightened. In contrast in Michigan for example, at the woman’s music festival, transgendered woman are not welcome at all. Right here in Columbus there is a group known as the Lavender Sisters which even ironically meets at our church each month which is a group in the “L” community which does not accept those of us unfortunate enough to be born with the wrong body parts despite the inner essence of who we are as woman. With these groups and other hardliners in the “L” word it is as if judgment is to be made on genetics or physical things instead of the soul and spirit and heart of the person. Should we judge someone with a birth defect on their body as not being worthwhile and look past their soul, their spirit and value as a being because of this? Of course not, but we sometimes do and it does not make it right.

This weekend Paula and I will venture to the Ohio festival where we will be exhibiting on behalf of TransOhio and conducting workshop about our lives, our transitions and our love for each other as two women and the belief in our view at least that we are part of the “L” community. We will welcome and address any and all questions as part of a dialog and exchange that we hope will further help those sisters in the “L” community understand more about transgendered women and our lives together as two women who love each other and explaining why we believe that we are part of the “L” word and hoping that our presence and sharing may open the hearts and minds of a few of our sisters about us and our presence in this “L” community. We look forward to being at the festival and meeting our sisters and experiencing a festival that celebrates womanhood!

Thanks to all our wonderful friends who have grown with us in this belief and thanks to those who have asked and shared and accepted us as part of the “L” community” and to those of you who have not yet done so, we ask that you keep the possibility open and engage us in discussion about it and hopefully with an open mind. Maybe sometime down the road we can work some things out and reach a meeting of the minds. In the meantime, Paula and I will enjoy being part of the “L” word ……. But we will just keep “L” hushed for now.

Love and the Wedding Planner

It is something that a few years ago I would never have convinced myself that I would be doing for something that I am personally involved in that is for sure. I have training and education in meeting and event planning which did include wedding planning but in my previous experience of running my meeting and event planning company I can honestly say I did not have any clients requesting wedding planning services and my areas of work focused on conventions and conferences, exhibitions, meetings and business development functions. It’s not that I would not have enjoyed doing wedding planning it’s just that I was never asked to do so and probably for some very stereotypical reasons which really weren’t applicable anyway!

However, ever since Paula and I decided that we would do a commitment ceremony/ union to consummate our love publicly among our wonderful friends I have been engaged full throttle in the wedding planning process. Although we cannot by current law in the state of Ohio which has a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage legally marry each other and receive the same legal benefits as any other wedded couple, we felt that the ceremony is something we wanted to do for ourselves because of our love and commitment to each other and part of building our lives together as Paula and Melissa. I know that we treat it like a marriage and while we struggle in many ways that legally married couples do and we face many of the challenges of the same, we also face a few more being in a same gender relationship and then again having undergone a physical and legal changes in the latter to bring it in line with the essence of who we always were on the inside of us! There are many who questioned why we even bother doing this since it is not legal but we always figured that if it ever became legal here we could do a simple “legal” ceremony to afford ourselves the legal benefits of marriage but for us the marriage and commitment and union of two people, among those who love us and accept us for who we are as people, is an act which exceeds the legalities of the process and tells the community a simple concept…if you find someone who loves and accepts you for who you are as a person and who you want to share life with together you should do so despite the vessel that person is contained in or even if that vessel changes to reflect the soul of who you truly as a person. So with that said, the wedding planning commenced and it has truly been an eye opener for us that is for sure. The first thing we had to decide is where to do it and who would be in it. The “where” was easy in that our church is founded upon love and acceptance and is very open and affirming. Our minister embraced this proposal with open heart and mind and he was very excited about it. The persons to be in this wedding were a bit more difficult to decide since we have so many wonderful loving friends who love us and who we care about. We also wanted it to reflect the diversity of this union ceremony as well. We feel we accomplished that and are so happy that our friends can be there to celebrate our special day with us!

Once we had the date and church following meetings with our minister and the wedding party in place, the fun got started. First we had to decide on a location for the reception and that came fairly easy with the selection of a venue across the street from our church that had the date available. One truly can spend a small fortune, which neither of us has, on putting together a wedding reception. We tried to provide a nice atmosphere and some good food so people could enjoy themselves and have some fun celebrating with us. Unfortunately an open bar would have been nice but to pull that off the food and music would have to be cancelled or Paula and I would have to rob a bank to pull that one off. I sought DJs to provide the music for the evening and upon selecting one you receive forms to complete for announcing the wedding party and special songs you want played at certain times. We have been compiling the list of music but the first thing I had to correct on the form was the fact we have no groom but two brides. White out I found works well in this case.
Paula and I spent a few days searching for dresses for our attendants to wear and we needed to find a store that had branches all over the region since we have girls from four different states. The Color is a stunning beautiful Verizon blue. Some of the girls doodled a bit in getting their gowns ordered and we may be do some alterations on them as they walk down the aisle but it will all work out. Next came the fun for Paula and I in the search for our wedding dresses. The elderly lady with the glasses at the counter of the bridal boutique got a bit of a shock when I stepped to the counter to register and she asked for the name of the groom to which I replied “there isn’t one” and just then my partner Paula stepped up to the counter and I stated “and this is the other bride”. The look on her face was truly priceless! The little gal who took care of showing and fitting us in gowns was a bit flustered but a very good sport as well. Her primary concern was that she had never taken care of two ladies at the same time for bridal fittings. Paula and I loved every minute of it and each of us selected our separate gowns- each different in style, material type and design but both white of course! (Ahem….No questions needed). We are bringing our entourage with us for the final fittings which should make the elderly lady at the counter loose her glasses for sure.

I have found two professions in this process which I should have explored for sure which have to be making some small fortunes. The first is florists and the other is wedding cake designers. I had no idea what these skilled artisans can charge for their services but we almost had to cancel the food and hire an organ grinder for the music at the reception to compensate these entities. The cake is gorgeous and colorful and I actually had fun designing it with baker. I truly did not know that twenty something flavors could be available to someone creating cake. The list of fillings was even longer! The flowers cost even more although we do have two bridal bouquets and our selection of two flower girls and a ring bearer from the Warren-Bednar clan added a few more but the flowers we selected are so beautiful and we incorporated the color scheme of all the gowns and our favor colors of pink and purple!

Other “minute” details included the invitations’ and the writing of our ceremony in its entirety along with music to be performed by wonderfully talented organist and horn player. Several of our truly talented friends with voices of angels have agreed to perform special pieces during the service. Paula and I are indeed so happy that are offering us their special gifts. We even broke down and “registered” as many other couples approaching such an event do although I am still amazed the computer did not implode with the insertion of two brides and no groom into the system. It probably would have if it had found out the two brides once could have registered the other way in another part of their life although just by outward appearance. The real fun of the planning has been the selection and booking of our honeymoon following our wonderful ceremony and a reception of fun, friends and food and drink! Paula and I have enjoyed putting this all together although sometimes we question our sanity in doing so. However, I am sure on our special day it will all be worth it in the joy on our faces and in the hearts of our friends who love us for being who we are and supporting our love for each other!

The Sorority

I finally have the chance to sit down and relax a bit and write my blog this week which is a bit delayed because I have spent the last eight days traveling and helping my partner Paula with her Gender Confirmation Surgery in New Hope Pa which also included a trachea shave. I spent five long days at the hospital (Lower Bucks Hospital) with her attempting to be the wonderful caregiver she was for me a couple months ago that is for sure. Care giving is a special talent and I am not as good with it as Paula is but I worked very hard at being the best I could be. Paula did not come through her procedures as well as I did due to some abdominal and dietary issues and more pain and a bit less strength on her part. However, as I write this blog she appears to be on the slow road to recovery and return to strength and in time a full healing from the dramatic undertaking she has undergone in her efforts to conform her body to her soul and essence!

Just like the week I spent at Lower Bucks Hospital Paula was accompanied by three other girls undergoing the process along with her under the skillful eye and hands of Dr. Christine McGinn. This week, in addition to Paula, was Dana a delightful lady from Maryland who works for Chase Bank, a young and pretty lawyer from the heart of the Bible belt in Keri from Raleigh- Durham NC and finally Renee, a company manager from Connecticut who was the same age as Paula. Dana was supported all week by her mother and sister who are very supportive of her and travelled from Florida to be with her and help her through this delightful but challenging endeavor! Renee had some girlfriends with her on the day of her surgery and she will have others throughout her week of recovery at the hotel. Paula of course has me and some local friends have stopped by too. Kari had her brother for 24 hours to get to the hotel from the hospital but no one for the week of her surgery and no one the week after her surgery. Her family has some issues with what she has done but she comes from a strict religious background and conservative Republican family so it is to be expected. I spent some time talking with each of them through the week and helping them where I could. Kari was alone so I tried to check on her often as was Renee after her surgery day. I got to find out about how their surgeries went and their lives and families as well as their life and journeys as transgendered individuals.

The stories we shared we not uncommon although we all have our own journey in this struggle to find peace as being who we are even if our anatomies needed adjustments to reflect that essence. Many common threads mixed in with a smattering of differences here and there and the range of ages. We all exchanged e-mails and phone numbers and I checked in with each of them each day while attending to Paula’s primary care. Dana had her mother and sister with her who have done quite well in adjusting to having another daughter and new sister. They were quite pleasant people to meet and my primary discussions were with Dana on what was to come in her progress and recovery having been down this road only a few short months ago. I also discussed this with Kari and Renee as well as they were curious as to what was to come and how I progressed after mine. Renee and I had a great discussion on how transgendered people are viewed by Native Americans since she is part Native American. We are revered in their culture and become the elders and respective spiritual leaders in the tribes. Wow- what a radical concept being viewed as something above a third class citizen! Kari and I had an interesting political discussion in as much as she is pretty conservative Republican like any good Baptist from the south and I am of course a liberal. I respected her opinions and defended mine as well as it should be but there was no animosity whatsoever. Kari has no one to get her food, supplies or take her to the doctor’s office for follow up examinations and consults. So I assumed those duties happily. She is my sister and I care about her and all of us in this community.

One of the nurses on the floor, and by the way they were all the same delightful people I had during my stay on the wing affectionately known as the “tranny wing”, asked me one day as I was coming out of Kari’s room after she looked up on her computer something for Dana as I was shuttling it between the two of them “how do you know these other girls? She knew I was there with Paula but did not know what my connection was to Kari, Renee and Dana. My connection to these girls as well as the sisters who visited Paula after supporting me during my process (Terry and Alice) and Kate and Lindsey who came over to visit with Paula is that they are my sisters! Sometimes those that are outside our community do not understand why we connect like we do even though we have no relationship to the other girl. We are connected by a common thread and bond that flows between all of us. We face many of the same challenges and rejections that flow our way from society, work and families as former identified (by outsiders) as “male” due to the wrong parts who transition to live as the women who we are – a concept that still completely blows the average male’s mind! We see another sister who is going through the same emotions, struggles, therapies, surgeries and such as part of our transitional process. Put six or seven of us together in one place and we will generally interact with the others for support and understanding and confirmation of who we are as people. We share our experiences and triumphs and tragedies and we grow from each other as people. Essentially we are one big sorority of sisters who are bound together by the dark and troubled secrets that kept our true selves wrapped tightly in a shell that never fit who we were as people. We are a sorority of support and understanding and love which helps each of us grow and each week or month I meet another girl on her journey and we connect as sisters held together by this bond. It is good to be part of this sorority and we are members of it for life.

Thanks to all our friends and our sisters who have supported Paula in her journey and in your prayers and thoughts and show of love as that is what helped her heal so much in her recovery! Hugs!

Pride

June is the traditional month to celebrate Pride in the LGBTQ community across the country. It is a time of celebration of being proud of who we are as people in a society that still reluctantly only somewhat tolerates our presence in it and to reflect back to the time when the infamous Stonewall riots took place in rebellion to the tactics and tyranny imposed by some on the LGBTQ community. I view Pride in this manner but also view it in even larger perspectives as well. Two years ago I proffered a blog entitled “The Pursuit of Happiness and the Puritans” involving an examination of the strife for rights and dignity in the LGBTQ community in the pursuit of our happiness against the backdrop of society and its very powerful puritanical influences which have shaped our society and which run many times contrary to the concepts of happiness, liberty, freedoms and enjoyment of life. These influences which have been around for hundreds of years in this country still impact our society even today. It is a particularly good read if you have not already done so and significantly important in light of the recent conclusion of Pride month and the upcoming Fourth of July holiday weekend.
President Obama began the month with a Pride proclamation which I guess was significant in that I do not recall any other President offering the same. However, it will take more than a proclamation to appease me for sure. He has promised to sign the Hate Crimes bill and ENDA legislation once these important pieces of law reach his desk …….but in the same breath- I do not see him pushing these bills through and lobbying for them as a leader who understands the need for dignity, freedom and opportunities as others in society have because he was denied them in his own life time and that of his ancestors. You can stimulate the economy all you want and I am not saying it is not important to do so and he did inherit a mess in Iraq created by the incompetency and blindness of his predecessor. However, at the same time, ensuring rights and dignity for all human beings and protecting those who have been left unprotected ought really to be the most important idea being worked on for who cares if more jobs appear or health care is expanded if you still can’t get a job because of discrimination and health care requires having that job to pay for it or you are still the subject of violence in your everyday life.
While the wheels of progress on the federal front move slowly, they are I guess moving forward far more than we have seen in recent years under George’s reign of terror. The state of Ohio which is now my home has been struggling as well to move forward HB176 which will end discrimination in housing, employment, lending and public accommodation based on sexual orientation and gender identity. It is not the first time the bill has been proposed and it is awaiting a stalled vote in the House where there is a good chance of it passing but a very hostile Senate controlled by the party opposite the House and Governor’s office is not going to jump up and down in support of this important piece of legislation. The bill faces stiff opposition by the religious extreme right (direct decentdants if I have ever seen it of those Puritans) The Governor has promised to sign the bill IF it gets to his desk but again I do not see him lobbying for this bill and sometimes it is easy to say you will support the legislation of you know that politically it will never reach the desk because of a hostile Senate. How many years will those of us in the LGBTQ community have to wait before this dignity and freedom is bestowed upon us in our pursuit of happiness?
Pride is also a time to examine one’s self and our pride in who we are and what others like us have accomplished. I am a transgendered woman and I look out there for leadership and accomplishments of others like me. It is not that I am unhappy with the gains of my brothers and sisters in the L, G or B communities or the accomplishments of many of my brothers in the transmen community and in fact I admire them deeply! However, I sometimes get the impression that transwomen are picking up the rear in such gains and accomplishments. For example, while I admire Mara in her leadership of NCTE, her remaining staff members are mostly transmen and the first two openly transgendered people to serve as Congressional aides on the Hill are transmen. Yet- I see so many of my sisters having trouble finding work and very few of us if any in organizations that work for transgendered rights and equality in general. I admire so much the work that Equality Ohio does in fighting for rights and dignity yet I do not believe a single staff person there is transgendered much less a transwomen. Let’s not even talk about the HRC which has no transgendered people on staff locally and nationally has no transgendered people on its board and I still remember two years ago when the group sold me and others in our community down the drain on ENDA! Where are the role models for me as a transwoman and where is the involvement of transgendered people in organizations that fight for our rights? Many talented people in the transgendered community do not have their talents recognized and again, as a transwomen, I still am looking for my leaders and role models.
The Columbus Pride festival was a huge success in 2009. More people came out for the festival and parade this year than any time in history with estimates hovering around 200,000 people. I enjoyed marching in the parade and demonstrating my pride in being who I am as a human being in society. I felt free to be who I am and always have been and lets others know I am proud to be a transwoman and member of the LGBTQ community (I actually claim a couple letters there). The weather was pretty good and everyone attending had a wonderful time and the large turnout was a sign of slowly changing times for our communities. However, I will be honest in saying more progress is needed in many different directions in our state, our nation and society if we are all to be free of hatred and discrimination and able to pursue our happiness in life. To the extent I am so able I willing to continue the fight for such rights and dignity and to build that happiness in my life and the lives of others here with me and in the future generations to come. For that is what Pride is all about in the struggle of the LGBTQ community! Happy Pride and Happy Fourth of July!

Hope, Thanks and Final Thoughts

Wow…is it really going to happen? This is the question I have asked myself a few times this week as I tick off the hours till my scheduled gender confirmation surgery next Monday. I keep thinking they might call and cancel it or something strange will happen – not that I want anything to happen or for them to call it off but sometimes it all just seems so surreal. It sort of dawned on me that this would be the last blog written by me as a pre-op TS woman but I will have much more to say on the “other side” as they say. The day of a transgendered person’s GCS is a very special day in the life of a transgendered person…the day of new birth…the day I am born again- this time with the right body parts. It is the physical completion of my transition to live life in my true gender as a woman.
After Monday, no longer will my physical gender be in conflict with my inner gender, my soul and essence as a woman. Does it scare me? Not really ……I have confidence in both my decision to undergo the surgeries because I am and always have been -a woman. I have undergone complex surgery before with the facial surgery a few months ago (to which I owe much thanks and appreciation to Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel in Boston MA for his care and exceptional work and vision) and finally I have all the faith in the world in the skills, hands, talent, caring passion and dedication of my surgeon- Dr. Christine McGinn. I feel I will be pretty calm and comfortable as I lie on the gurney as they wheel me to the OR to begin the work of creating what should have always been there on my body as a woman.
The surgery will not make me woman….I already am one and have been all my life- but my life was screwed up because I was indoctrinated as a male due to my physical characteristics when I was born and not the characteristics of the woman I was spiritually on the inside. I have been working to undo much of the “bad “training and learn the things I should have known all my life but was not told. It’s like I have to join the female gender parade after it has already marched twenty blocks and I am suppose to know what was in those twenty blocks and what was seen and learned in those twenty blocks will be needed to march the next twenty. I know I have much to learn still about living life as woman and my journey will continue long after the surgeries in a few days. Heck I have to learn a few physical things too. To be quite honest…..my anatomy will be vastly different come next Monday and I will have to take the time to learn about it! In all honesty it’s something I should have learned when I went through puberty but for the incorrect physical parts. I am excited and I am very much at peace with what is to come- just as I have been in living my life as my true essence and gender since last summer. Although I have much to learn about the new anatomy as well as the intellectual aspects of living life as Melissa, I fully embrace the journey and the growth as a person and a woman.
Well before the actual surgery takes place Monday I will have an “interesting weekend” in preparation for the procedures. I know those who have already gone through the process or read about it can skip this part but for those of you not familiar with what happens ……here it is. First of all this week I had to buy all my supplies I will need for the process and many of them make sense. I need new vitamins to deal with my new anatomy including calcium because apparently I will now have the same risk of developing osteoporosis as any other woman. I will also admit that first time in my life I had to visit and purchase from the feminine protection aisle. Genetic woman have visited this aisle so many times since their youth they would be rich if they got a dollar every time they had to do so. I would have gladly done this even with all the discomfort or PMS it brings because I would have loved to have been able to carry a tiny life inside my body and bring that little child into the world. It is a part of femininity I will never get to experience. I also had to purchase supplies needed for the regimen of dilation that I will be under for most of the next six months following the surgery.
Two days prior to the surgery I will commence a “liquid” diet. Sounds like a delicious menu of protein shakes and soups and drinks which by the way cannot contain alcohol. On Sunday it gets even better as I switch over to a “clear liquid” diet which means for two meals I can have water, clear broths, certain juices and clear sodas and popsicles. Whoa…Nelly! This sounds so incredibly delicious I am surprised this diet has not hit the markets! Then we have the crème de crème of the day at 4:00 PM with the administration of the ever popular “Magnesium Citrate Bowel Prep” (yummy), followed by another delicious dose of the stuff at 8:00 PM and oh about 6- 7 hours of making increasingly hurried trips to the bathroom. I still remember the scene in Donna Rose’s book “Wrapped in Blue” where she is reminiscing about her life as she crawls back from the bathroom from the repeated visits to the bathroom during this process and crawls into a ball on the bed from the cramps. Assuming I can somehow fall asleep after this delightful process I will have to be up and at it early on Monday with the administration of a delightful early morning enema- an awesome way to start a day if I must say! After I clean up and get dressed it’s off to the hospital for check in which means sitting in a giant room of people as I am in absolute starvation and filling out paperwork. When the bureaucracy has decided it has enough paperwork completed I will get to go up to the preparation room. There, of course, you get to strip and get into those delightfully stylish hospital gowns. I am so surprised New York and Co hasn’t created a line of clothes based on these gowns for sure. It will, I guess, give me one final glance at the soon to be departed, expanded or reconfigured parts…… Soon thereafter the nurses will start my final preparation and the attachment of my IV which will serve as my food and pain killer for the next few days. But with that comes the best treat of all …..the administration of anesthesia which will soon have me out cold to the world. This is the cool part -as it is truly like a time warp. One minute you are looking at the clock and its 7:30 AM and the next minute- which literally seems no more than one minute of complete darkness and you are awake and the clock says 2:00 PM. I know Paula will be pacing the floors and worrying and some of you may even ponder during that time period and it will seem like hours for Paula and others-but for me- it will seem like only a few minutes have lapsed.
Suddenly, I will awake from the procedures with my vagina and enhanced breasts. I am sure I will be sore and it will take much healing and recovery will be slow and cautious. However, I will probably ask the stupid question almost everyone who does the process asks … “Did it really happen?” When they confirm its successful completion I know I will be smiling and soon I will be feeling the warm and tender touch of Paula’s hand on my hand. Finally, I will no longer have a body that does not fit my soul and spirit and I will know that my rebirth has begun and I will be at peace! I must use that peace and rebirth as a means to live even a better life even more filled with love and understanding. Jenny Boylan who wrote the book “She’s Not There” also subtitled this book “A life in Two Genders”. I know that I will be one of the few that people that will have such opportunity….first to live life as the person I was defined as by my anatomy at birth and then to live life as the person I always was on the inside emotionally and spiritually but with the corrected anatomy to go with it. I have stated many times that I know not why I am transgendered and while I would not wish this on my worst enemy, I have embraced it as a gift I received. God did not make a mistake….God made me transgendered and knew I would find my path in my journey and use this gift as a means to increase understanding, compassion and dignity among people.
While my journey, as I mentioned, will continue long after the procedure is finished and I have been released to return home, I have many people I need to thank for helping me reach this point- whether some knew it or not. And so- here are my thoughts and thanks to many who have so profoundly helped me along in my journey I have written about in the past few weeks
To my Parents ……..Mom and Dad I miss you both dearly and wish you could have met the real me before you both died and seen how my life turned out but maybe you saw through my shell all along. Your guidance and love helped me find my path in life and you sacrificed so much to give me a better life. Mom you always wanted a girl and I guess you really did get one but never knew it because she was hidden in the shell. I hope you like your daughter Melissa. Dad, I know you might have been embarrassed by all this at first but you taught me important values about community and helping others and I think you would have proud of Melissa in time as I have carried forward this thinking.
To My Brother Richard……Your life was cut short and just at a time when we were beginning to reconnect after years of distance caused by our vast age differences and the dealings with our parents’ demise before our eyes. Unfortunately you died only days before I was tell you on your visit in for the holidays about my life as a transgendered person and about Melissa. I knew you would have accepted me and loved me as your sister.
To Karen….my former wife of twenty-four years. I owe you the biggest apology of all for hurting you in all this and causing you so much pain. I hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the pain I caused you. I am truly sorry and wish it could have happened differently. I admire your passions for life and the gift you have with children and for the love and support you provided me and your patience with me. With each other we created two beautiful children as well! Thank you also for confronting me when you did and for reminding of all that I needed to work on to be a better person. I hope someday you find peace and happiness and hope someday you can call me Melissa.
To my children ……..I miss you both so much I cry nearly every day thinking of you. I am very proud of all you have accomplished and I know you have so much to offer this world and hope someday you will let me back into your lives again to see and share with you your love, your passion, your successes and the fulfillment of your dreams. I know that you both have been hurt by all this and I also hope you someday can forgive and that we can be part of each other’s lives again. I have much more love to offer you! Thank you for all the beautiful memories you gave me. I will always cherish them even if we have no others together. I love you both so much!
To my old friends including those you no longer speak to me or who have tossed me out of your life. I miss our friendship but I guess it was not as strong as I thought it was. I will always remember the good times we shared. To the couple of friends who have hung on through this thanks for staying with me and remaining my friend as I know it has been difficult on you to try and understand and to accept when others failed to do so.
To my niece and nephew and sister-in-law who have been kind to me and supported me during this process all I can say is thank you so much and thanks for opening the door for hospitality over the holidays last fall. It warmed my heart. I wish you much happiness in your lives.
To my new friends such as Lana, Shane, Karen, Richelle, Alice Laura, Cindy, Diane, Marilyn, Laura, Cheryl, Carol, Skylar and Angie and so many others who have enriched my life including many who never have known me but as Melissa……. thanks for accepting me and being my friend. I love you all dearly for your kindness and warmth you have extended to me! I have met so many in our community and the LGBT community at large who I have shared so much with including our stories, advice and guidance and all of this helped me so much in my journey and helped me grow. I have learned something from almost everyone I have ever met in my journey. I hope I have enriched the understanding of those outside the transgendered community as I have freely answered all the questions you have asked about my life and journey with the hope that it will help you grow and understand more.
To the loving and accepting people of North Church such as Jo Ann, Di, Pam, Eric, David and Becky, Maree and Anne, David and Roy, Linda , Ellen, Louise, Lisa and Laurie, Deb, Ken, Catherine and so many countless others…………….. all I can say is this …...I wish the world operated like North Church. I have never seen such a loving, warm and accepting place anywhere. The hugs and greetings each week have touched me deeply and the opening of your doors to our community warmly has brought such joy to my heart! I am glad to have a place to call my home and my extended family! Your prayers and support for me in my journey have strengthened me so deeply.
To my dear friend and sister Joann Carter……..we have spent so much time together over the years and like you said one time last fall on our cruise we pretty much have shared everything through our thoughts and lives throughout our wonderful friendship. I know your soul girl and I hope someday you can also find that courage to break through your shell. Your thoughts and prayers for me have always warmed and touched my heart my dear friend.
To my good friends and sisters Chloe and Debbie……. I have know you both for quite a while but that trip we spent together in Virginia was a significant part of my journey to complete my unraveling. The long talks by the fireplace over glasses of wine and while we drove around sightseeing in which I learned so much from and about you both as you were approaching what I am about to do next week was a turning point in my journey as Melissa. Thank you both for your kindness and friendship and all the wonderful times we have had over the years!
To my therapist and friend Meral Crane……..I found you when I was lost in the depths of depression over the deaths of my loved ones and trying to sort out all the issues of my gender and you responded with much understanding and compassion. I have enjoyed the group meetings you have lead as well and they brought me in contact with so many others like me and I have grown as a result of your work and my interaction with my sisters and brothers and you have helped bring me to this point in my journey for my surgery.
To my surgeon Dr. Christine McGinn ……..I chose you after months and months of research and investigation to find the physician I would be comfortable having performing the surgeries of my GCS and BA. It came down to a choice of two surgeons among the twelve or so I started with initially on my list. In the end, I chose you for your skills, your passion and your understanding which comes from the fact you have been down this path yourself and know what I seek. I enjoyed our discussions and feel comfortable with you to perform the challenging work on one of the biggest days in my life! Your follow up care is unmatched and I promise I will listen to you and all your instructions afterward.
To my love, my best friend, my partner and my soul mate Paula…………I don’t know where I would ever be without you coming into my life when you did. It was fate we met that night and destiny that we became best friends and then soul mates and life partners. I am so happy to live each day with you and your warmth and passion and love for me and your acceptance of me for who I am and have always been brought me to this point of my journey. You steady me when I falter. You comfort me when I am sad. Waking up each day with you by my side is so wonderful. I will grow old with you girl and I will soon help guide you through your surgery and recovery in only weeks as you will be helping me through mine next week. Together we will accomplish much in our lives that we failed on in our former lives and together we shall face the challenges that await us in our journey. I love you girl and I know with you at my side next week I will be alright.
Well I probably missed someone here but it definitely was not intention by any means. It is time for my closing thoughts. I know there are many outside my community who do not understand all there is about being transgendered and transitioning one’s life to live in the correct gender but that is OK. Heck- I don’t always understand all of it myself. I know this is my journey and after next week my body will reflect my soul and essence of who I always have been – even when I lived trapped in a tightly wound shell. My day of rebirth is almost here and I go peacefully and calmly and with the knowledge that this is part of my journey in life. As I have said repeatedly it will not make me a woman –that I always have been- but denied and hid for far too long. Now it is time for me to get ready to undertake the next step in my journey that will continue for me I believe until I am laid to rest someday…..it is nearing time for me to close my eyes and drift off into a deep sleep and awake knowing that this time the doctors will look down upon me and say “it’s a girl”.
One of my favorite if not my absolute favorite movies of all time is Shawshank Redemption”. I own the film and have seen it at least twenty times. It is a story of an innocent person trapped and confined in a place he did not belong and who ultimately finds redemption on the other side and is cleansed in a river of rain. I have always associated with this character and the redemption he finds on the other side of his walls. In it there are several classic lines but one of them is a saying “ get busy living or get busy dying” It is time for me to get busy living again but this time in the right gender- being who I truly am and finding my redemption. The main character has many faults but one of them is not the crimes he is charged with doing and I too have many faults but I am not guilty of anything in this matter other than being who I truly am as a human being- Melissa. Just before the main character escapes he tells his friend… “Hope is a good thing”. Hope is a good thing indeed! I hoped someday I could find my redemption and my cleansing, and for me – what will happen next week will be a start on that process. I never gave up hope although a few years ago I did not think this would be even possible. Thanks to all those you hold me in their prayers and thoughts as I go through these procedures and during my recovery- for I love you all!….I will see you all on the “other side” ………Hugs, Melissa
I hope you enjoy the slideshow of my journey and my friends and family who led me to the path of my hope and redemption……..

Make a Smilebox slideshow