After Monday, no longer will my physical gender be in conflict with my inner gender, my soul and essence as a woman. Does it scare me? Not really ……I have confidence in both my decision to undergo the surgeries because I am and always have been -a woman. I have undergone complex surgery before with the facial surgery a few months ago (to which I owe much thanks and appreciation to Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel in Boston MA for his care and exceptional work and vision) and finally I have all the faith in the world in the skills, hands, talent, caring passion and dedication of my surgeon- Dr. Christine McGinn. I feel I will be pretty calm and comfortable as I lie on the gurney as they wheel me to the OR to begin the work of creating what should have always been there on my body as a woman.
The surgery will not make me woman….I already am one and have been all my life- but my life was screwed up because I was indoctrinated as a male due to my physical characteristics when I was born and not the characteristics of the woman I was spiritually on the inside. I have been working to undo much of the “bad “training and learn the things I should have known all my life but was not told. It’s like I have to join the female gender parade after it has already marched twenty blocks and I am suppose to know what was in those twenty blocks and what was seen and learned in those twenty blocks will be needed to march the next twenty. I know I have much to learn still about living life as woman and my journey will continue long after the surgeries in a few days. Heck I have to learn a few physical things too. To be quite honest…..my anatomy will be vastly different come next Monday and I will have to take the time to learn about it! In all honesty it’s something I should have learned when I went through puberty but for the incorrect physical parts. I am excited and I am very much at peace with what is to come- just as I have been in living my life as my true essence and gender since last summer. Although I have much to learn about the new anatomy as well as the intellectual aspects of living life as Melissa, I fully embrace the journey and the growth as a person and a woman.
Well before the actual surgery takes place Monday I will have an “interesting weekend” in preparation for the procedures. I know those who have already gone through the process or read about it can skip this part but for those of you not familiar with what happens ……here it is. First of all this week I had to buy all my supplies I will need for the process and many of them make sense. I need new vitamins to deal with my new anatomy including calcium because apparently I will now have the same risk of developing osteoporosis as any other woman. I will also admit that first time in my life I had to visit and purchase from the feminine protection aisle. Genetic woman have visited this aisle so many times since their youth they would be rich if they got a dollar every time they had to do so. I would have gladly done this even with all the discomfort or PMS it brings because I would have loved to have been able to carry a tiny life inside my body and bring that little child into the world. It is a part of femininity I will never get to experience. I also had to purchase supplies needed for the regimen of dilation that I will be under for most of the next six months following the surgery.
Two days prior to the surgery I will commence a “liquid” diet. Sounds like a delicious menu of protein shakes and soups and drinks which by the way cannot contain alcohol. On Sunday it gets even better as I switch over to a “clear liquid” diet which means for two meals I can have water, clear broths, certain juices and clear sodas and popsicles. Whoa…Nelly! This sounds so incredibly delicious I am surprised this diet has not hit the markets! Then we have the crème de crème of the day at 4:00 PM with the administration of the ever popular “Magnesium Citrate Bowel Prep” (yummy), followed by another delicious dose of the stuff at 8:00 PM and oh about 6- 7 hours of making increasingly hurried trips to the bathroom. I still remember the scene in Donna Rose’s book “Wrapped in Blue” where she is reminiscing about her life as she crawls back from the bathroom from the repeated visits to the bathroom during this process and crawls into a ball on the bed from the cramps. Assuming I can somehow fall asleep after this delightful process I will have to be up and at it early on Monday with the administration of a delightful early morning enema- an awesome way to start a day if I must say! After I clean up and get dressed it’s off to the hospital for check in which means sitting in a giant room of people as I am in absolute starvation and filling out paperwork. When the bureaucracy has decided it has enough paperwork completed I will get to go up to the preparation room. There, of course, you get to strip and get into those delightfully stylish hospital gowns. I am so surprised New York and Co hasn’t created a line of clothes based on these gowns for sure. It will, I guess, give me one final glance at the soon to be departed, expanded or reconfigured parts…… Soon thereafter the nurses will start my final preparation and the attachment of my IV which will serve as my food and pain killer for the next few days. But with that comes the best treat of all …..the administration of anesthesia which will soon have me out cold to the world. This is the cool part -as it is truly like a time warp. One minute you are looking at the clock and its 7:30 AM and the next minute- which literally seems no more than one minute of complete darkness and you are awake and the clock says 2:00 PM. I know Paula will be pacing the floors and worrying and some of you may even ponder during that time period and it will seem like hours for Paula and others-but for me- it will seem like only a few minutes have lapsed.
Suddenly, I will awake from the procedures with my vagina and enhanced breasts. I am sure I will be sore and it will take much healing and recovery will be slow and cautious. However, I will probably ask the stupid question almost everyone who does the process asks … “Did it really happen?” When they confirm its successful completion I know I will be smiling and soon I will be feeling the warm and tender touch of Paula’s hand on my hand. Finally, I will no longer have a body that does not fit my soul and spirit and I will know that my rebirth has begun and I will be at peace! I must use that peace and rebirth as a means to live even a better life even more filled with love and understanding. Jenny Boylan who wrote the book “She’s Not There” also subtitled this book “A life in Two Genders”. I know that I will be one of the few that people that will have such opportunity….first to live life as the person I was defined as by my anatomy at birth and then to live life as the person I always was on the inside emotionally and spiritually but with the corrected anatomy to go with it. I have stated many times that I know not why I am transgendered and while I would not wish this on my worst enemy, I have embraced it as a gift I received. God did not make a mistake….God made me transgendered and knew I would find my path in my journey and use this gift as a means to increase understanding, compassion and dignity among people.
While my journey, as I mentioned, will continue long after the procedure is finished and I have been released to return home, I have many people I need to thank for helping me reach this point- whether some knew it or not. And so- here are my thoughts and thanks to many who have so profoundly helped me along in my journey I have written about in the past few weeks
To my Parents ……..Mom and Dad I miss you both dearly and wish you could have met the real me before you both died and seen how my life turned out but maybe you saw through my shell all along. Your guidance and love helped me find my path in life and you sacrificed so much to give me a better life. Mom you always wanted a girl and I guess you really did get one but never knew it because she was hidden in the shell. I hope you like your daughter Melissa. Dad, I know you might have been embarrassed by all this at first but you taught me important values about community and helping others and I think you would have proud of Melissa in time as I have carried forward this thinking.
To My Brother Richard……Your life was cut short and just at a time when we were beginning to reconnect after years of distance caused by our vast age differences and the dealings with our parents’ demise before our eyes. Unfortunately you died only days before I was tell you on your visit in for the holidays about my life as a transgendered person and about Melissa. I knew you would have accepted me and loved me as your sister.
To Karen….my former wife of twenty-four years. I owe you the biggest apology of all for hurting you in all this and causing you so much pain. I hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the pain I caused you. I am truly sorry and wish it could have happened differently. I admire your passions for life and the gift you have with children and for the love and support you provided me and your patience with me. With each other we created two beautiful children as well! Thank you also for confronting me when you did and for reminding of all that I needed to work on to be a better person. I hope someday you find peace and happiness and hope someday you can call me Melissa.
To my children ……..I miss you both so much I cry nearly every day thinking of you. I am very proud of all you have accomplished and I know you have so much to offer this world and hope someday you will let me back into your lives again to see and share with you your love, your passion, your successes and the fulfillment of your dreams. I know that you both have been hurt by all this and I also hope you someday can forgive and that we can be part of each other’s lives again. I have much more love to offer you! Thank you for all the beautiful memories you gave me. I will always cherish them even if we have no others together. I love you both so much!
To my old friends including those you no longer speak to me or who have tossed me out of your life. I miss our friendship but I guess it was not as strong as I thought it was. I will always remember the good times we shared. To the couple of friends who have hung on through this thanks for staying with me and remaining my friend as I know it has been difficult on you to try and understand and to accept when others failed to do so.
To my niece and nephew and sister-in-law who have been kind to me and supported me during this process all I can say is thank you so much and thanks for opening the door for hospitality over the holidays last fall. It warmed my heart. I wish you much happiness in your lives.
To my new friends such as Lana, Shane, Karen, Richelle, Alice Laura, Cindy, Diane, Marilyn, Laura, Cheryl, Carol, Skylar and Angie and so many others who have enriched my life including many who never have known me but as Melissa……. thanks for accepting me and being my friend. I love you all dearly for your kindness and warmth you have extended to me! I have met so many in our community and the LGBT community at large who I have shared so much with including our stories, advice and guidance and all of this helped me so much in my journey and helped me grow. I have learned something from almost everyone I have ever met in my journey. I hope I have enriched the understanding of those outside the transgendered community as I have freely answered all the questions you have asked about my life and journey with the hope that it will help you grow and understand more.
To the loving and accepting people of North Church such as Jo Ann, Di, Pam, Eric, David and Becky, Maree and Anne, David and Roy, Linda , Ellen, Louise, Lisa and Laurie, Deb, Ken, Catherine and so many countless others…………….. all I can say is this …...I wish the world operated like North Church. I have never seen such a loving, warm and accepting place anywhere. The hugs and greetings each week have touched me deeply and the opening of your doors to our community warmly has brought such joy to my heart! I am glad to have a place to call my home and my extended family! Your prayers and support for me in my journey have strengthened me so deeply.
To my dear friend and sister Joann Carter……..we have spent so much time together over the years and like you said one time last fall on our cruise we pretty much have shared everything through our thoughts and lives throughout our wonderful friendship. I know your soul girl and I hope someday you can also find that courage to break through your shell. Your thoughts and prayers for me have always warmed and touched my heart my dear friend.
To my good friends and sisters Chloe and Debbie……. I have know you both for quite a while but that trip we spent together in Virginia was a significant part of my journey to complete my unraveling. The long talks by the fireplace over glasses of wine and while we drove around sightseeing in which I learned so much from and about you both as you were approaching what I am about to do next week was a turning point in my journey as Melissa. Thank you both for your kindness and friendship and all the wonderful times we have had over the years!
To my therapist and friend Meral Crane……..I found you when I was lost in the depths of depression over the deaths of my loved ones and trying to sort out all the issues of my gender and you responded with much understanding and compassion. I have enjoyed the group meetings you have lead as well and they brought me in contact with so many others like me and I have grown as a result of your work and my interaction with my sisters and brothers and you have helped bring me to this point in my journey for my surgery.
To my surgeon Dr. Christine McGinn ……..I chose you after months and months of research and investigation to find the physician I would be comfortable having performing the surgeries of my GCS and BA. It came down to a choice of two surgeons among the twelve or so I started with initially on my list. In the end, I chose you for your skills, your passion and your understanding which comes from the fact you have been down this path yourself and know what I seek. I enjoyed our discussions and feel comfortable with you to perform the challenging work on one of the biggest days in my life! Your follow up care is unmatched and I promise I will listen to you and all your instructions afterward.
To my love, my best friend, my partner and my soul mate Paula…………I don’t know where I would ever be without you coming into my life when you did. It was fate we met that night and destiny that we became best friends and then soul mates and life partners. I am so happy to live each day with you and your warmth and passion and love for me and your acceptance of me for who I am and have always been brought me to this point of my journey. You steady me when I falter. You comfort me when I am sad. Waking up each day with you by my side is so wonderful. I will grow old with you girl and I will soon help guide you through your surgery and recovery in only weeks as you will be helping me through mine next week. Together we will accomplish much in our lives that we failed on in our former lives and together we shall face the challenges that await us in our journey. I love you girl and I know with you at my side next week I will be alright.
Well I probably missed someone here but it definitely was not intention by any means. It is time for my closing thoughts. I know there are many outside my community who do not understand all there is about being transgendered and transitioning one’s life to live in the correct gender but that is OK. Heck- I don’t always understand all of it myself. I know this is my journey and after next week my body will reflect my soul and essence of who I always have been – even when I lived trapped in a tightly wound shell. My day of rebirth is almost here and I go peacefully and calmly and with the knowledge that this is part of my journey in life. As I have said repeatedly it will not make me a woman –that I always have been- but denied and hid for far too long. Now it is time for me to get ready to undertake the next step in my journey that will continue for me I believe until I am laid to rest someday…..it is nearing time for me to close my eyes and drift off into a deep sleep and awake knowing that this time the doctors will look down upon me and say “it’s a girl”.
One of my favorite if not my absolute favorite movies of all time is Shawshank Redemption”. I own the film and have seen it at least twenty times. It is a story of an innocent person trapped and confined in a place he did not belong and who ultimately finds redemption on the other side and is cleansed in a river of rain. I have always associated with this character and the redemption he finds on the other side of his walls. In it there are several classic lines but one of them is a saying “ get busy living or get busy dying” It is time for me to get busy living again but this time in the right gender- being who I truly am and finding my redemption. The main character has many faults but one of them is not the crimes he is charged with doing and I too have many faults but I am not guilty of anything in this matter other than being who I truly am as a human being- Melissa. Just before the main character escapes he tells his friend… “Hope is a good thing”. Hope is a good thing indeed! I hoped someday I could find my redemption and my cleansing, and for me – what will happen next week will be a start on that process. I never gave up hope although a few years ago I did not think this would be even possible. Thanks to all those you hold me in their prayers and thoughts as I go through these procedures and during my recovery- for I love you all!….I will see you all on the “other side” ………Hugs, Melissa
I hope you enjoy the slideshow of my journey and my friends and family who led me to the path of my hope and redemption……..
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