It's Simply About Love

Weddings are beautiful and special events in a person’s life. Despite the rise in divorces over the years, for the vast number of people, the event is usually a once in a lifetime thing- a truly special day in one’s life of celebrating your love for another person. In the world of gay and lesbian marriages, we face the complications and struggles with a society that does not allow this union to be legal in most places. This is based on the opposition of religious extremists who continue to interject their interpretation of ancient texts which were written in a different time and translated into so many different languages over time, we have truly no idea what is applicable today and based on some belief that if two woman or two men who love each other marry that somehow their marriage of love is degraded by the act of the two men or two woman joining in a union.
I find it most interesting that the overturning of Prop 8 in California has now entered the federal courts where the federal judge is requesting the state to demonstrate that gay marriages somehow destroy straight marriages which we know can never be shown. Falling out of love, failing to communicate or other similar reasons can generally explain why many marriages fail and that has nothing to do with the gender of either party or the fact the neighbors down the street might be two men or two women who have chosen to unite in love and commitment. I know that my first marriage failed for many reasons but none of them had to do with what others were doing or who else was getting married somewhere else. To even think such defies all logic and reason although I have always suspected the religious right who opposes same sex unions do not use reason and logic but instead rely on religious indoctrination to replace such thinking. Someday society will get it and marriage will be a union of two people who because of their love and commitment to each other and willingness to support and comfort each other and share happiness and sadness together regardless of the gender of those two people or even what it legally use to be for those of us who are transgendered.
However, transgendered people who make a decision to remarry (even if it not yet legal and we call it a “commitment ceremony”) sometimes experience different feelings or issues because if being transgendered. When I got married in 1984, I was young and full of myself and in full blown denial of my true essence. I believed I could live life as a male and marry the girl I loved and raise a family and do all the things a traditional male is suppose to do and that by doing all these things I could make all this go away in my life. It did not work and I should have known this and I accept the blame for the union’s ultimate demise. When I stood there that day in that church in 1984 wearing a tuxedo and pretending to be someone I was not I was only fooling myself and everyone else and setting myself up for the failure that was to come. This failure would cause so much hurt and pain! The whole ceremony I kept thinking that I should have been the one in the gowns and flowers and all made up so wonderfully feminine. Instead I felt like the experience was surreal and I was again perpetrating my lie on all who attended by pretending to be this other person I was not.
This past week I married again. This time it was to someone who I loved who in turn loved me for who I truly am and have always been in life and who I love and accept as who she truly is in life. I married my partner Paula who I love dearly a service that we created and married as two transgendered people and two women despite society’s condemnation of the event. The event was a beautiful one for both Paula and I. First of all we could finally express publically what we felt for each other in our committed relationship and our live together. Secondly, the people who came to the event were not friends of my parents or hers or even those considered our relatives but instead were our “family” as we know it- those who love us for being who we are- Melissa and Paula. This time we would wear the dresses we always wanted to wear for such an event and spend the morning getting hair styled and makeup done with our wedding party. This time both of us walked down the aisle to the music we selected and played so beautifully by our friends. This time we heard music performed by gifted voices of our friends and our wedding party was composed of friends from all walks of the LGBT and straight ally communities we embrace so much. This time Paula and I carried the bouquet of flowers and the vows we spoke to each other were composed by us and not those prepared in some text. This time we could stand before our family of friends who love us and accept us for who we are and declare our love for each other as Paula and Melissa.
I know when we made the toast at the reception we did so from our heart and expressed how we felt in having our “family” present with us to share this beautiful day of love and commitment. I was so happy to see all the beautiful faces of loving people smiling back I nearly cried. This is how I always envisioned my wedding would be……a celebration of love between two people who love each other and accept and support each other for being who we are as people. This time there were no thoughts of perpetrating a lie and hiding my true self to make everyone else happy or to fit in and repress my true self. This time Paula and I could wear the dresses and hold the bouquets and dance and celebrate with our friends being our true selves!
The only thing that was the same between my previous marriage and the marriage to Paula last weekend was the love I had for the person I was marrying. Unfortunately, the previous one was based on a deception I created that I was somebody who I was not to make others in society more comfortable and to try and fool myself. It was doomed to fail because of such deception and lies but that is my own doing. Last week I married my best friend, my partner and my love who I know and accept and embrace as Paula and she married her best friend, partner and love who she knows and embraces as Melissa. We did so in the manner we wanted among our family of friends who love and accept us for who we are as people and who helped us celebrate our love and commitment. It is too bad that it could not be done “legally”. Maybe someday it will be and those of us in the LGBT community can finally be able to “legally consummate” our love and commitments to our partners in a society that will realize that by permitting two people to marry each other who love each other and are committed to each other regardless of their gender or what it legally use to be does not diminish or in any way take away from their love and commitment to each other. Regardless, Paula and I will always have October 10, 2009 as a special day in our lives together. I wish everyone peace and happiness in their lives and that find someone who to love who loves them and accepts them for who they are as people and that someday we all can finally legally celebrate such commitments and love in a society that embraces such for all people!.

Pictured above is our Honeymoon Cabin in the Smokie Mountains in Tenn.

Love and the Wedding Planner

It is something that a few years ago I would never have convinced myself that I would be doing for something that I am personally involved in that is for sure. I have training and education in meeting and event planning which did include wedding planning but in my previous experience of running my meeting and event planning company I can honestly say I did not have any clients requesting wedding planning services and my areas of work focused on conventions and conferences, exhibitions, meetings and business development functions. It’s not that I would not have enjoyed doing wedding planning it’s just that I was never asked to do so and probably for some very stereotypical reasons which really weren’t applicable anyway!

However, ever since Paula and I decided that we would do a commitment ceremony/ union to consummate our love publicly among our wonderful friends I have been engaged full throttle in the wedding planning process. Although we cannot by current law in the state of Ohio which has a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage legally marry each other and receive the same legal benefits as any other wedded couple, we felt that the ceremony is something we wanted to do for ourselves because of our love and commitment to each other and part of building our lives together as Paula and Melissa. I know that we treat it like a marriage and while we struggle in many ways that legally married couples do and we face many of the challenges of the same, we also face a few more being in a same gender relationship and then again having undergone a physical and legal changes in the latter to bring it in line with the essence of who we always were on the inside of us! There are many who questioned why we even bother doing this since it is not legal but we always figured that if it ever became legal here we could do a simple “legal” ceremony to afford ourselves the legal benefits of marriage but for us the marriage and commitment and union of two people, among those who love us and accept us for who we are as people, is an act which exceeds the legalities of the process and tells the community a simple concept…if you find someone who loves and accepts you for who you are as a person and who you want to share life with together you should do so despite the vessel that person is contained in or even if that vessel changes to reflect the soul of who you truly as a person. So with that said, the wedding planning commenced and it has truly been an eye opener for us that is for sure. The first thing we had to decide is where to do it and who would be in it. The “where” was easy in that our church is founded upon love and acceptance and is very open and affirming. Our minister embraced this proposal with open heart and mind and he was very excited about it. The persons to be in this wedding were a bit more difficult to decide since we have so many wonderful loving friends who love us and who we care about. We also wanted it to reflect the diversity of this union ceremony as well. We feel we accomplished that and are so happy that our friends can be there to celebrate our special day with us!

Once we had the date and church following meetings with our minister and the wedding party in place, the fun got started. First we had to decide on a location for the reception and that came fairly easy with the selection of a venue across the street from our church that had the date available. One truly can spend a small fortune, which neither of us has, on putting together a wedding reception. We tried to provide a nice atmosphere and some good food so people could enjoy themselves and have some fun celebrating with us. Unfortunately an open bar would have been nice but to pull that off the food and music would have to be cancelled or Paula and I would have to rob a bank to pull that one off. I sought DJs to provide the music for the evening and upon selecting one you receive forms to complete for announcing the wedding party and special songs you want played at certain times. We have been compiling the list of music but the first thing I had to correct on the form was the fact we have no groom but two brides. White out I found works well in this case.
Paula and I spent a few days searching for dresses for our attendants to wear and we needed to find a store that had branches all over the region since we have girls from four different states. The Color is a stunning beautiful Verizon blue. Some of the girls doodled a bit in getting their gowns ordered and we may be do some alterations on them as they walk down the aisle but it will all work out. Next came the fun for Paula and I in the search for our wedding dresses. The elderly lady with the glasses at the counter of the bridal boutique got a bit of a shock when I stepped to the counter to register and she asked for the name of the groom to which I replied “there isn’t one” and just then my partner Paula stepped up to the counter and I stated “and this is the other bride”. The look on her face was truly priceless! The little gal who took care of showing and fitting us in gowns was a bit flustered but a very good sport as well. Her primary concern was that she had never taken care of two ladies at the same time for bridal fittings. Paula and I loved every minute of it and each of us selected our separate gowns- each different in style, material type and design but both white of course! (Ahem….No questions needed). We are bringing our entourage with us for the final fittings which should make the elderly lady at the counter loose her glasses for sure.

I have found two professions in this process which I should have explored for sure which have to be making some small fortunes. The first is florists and the other is wedding cake designers. I had no idea what these skilled artisans can charge for their services but we almost had to cancel the food and hire an organ grinder for the music at the reception to compensate these entities. The cake is gorgeous and colorful and I actually had fun designing it with baker. I truly did not know that twenty something flavors could be available to someone creating cake. The list of fillings was even longer! The flowers cost even more although we do have two bridal bouquets and our selection of two flower girls and a ring bearer from the Warren-Bednar clan added a few more but the flowers we selected are so beautiful and we incorporated the color scheme of all the gowns and our favor colors of pink and purple!

Other “minute” details included the invitations’ and the writing of our ceremony in its entirety along with music to be performed by wonderfully talented organist and horn player. Several of our truly talented friends with voices of angels have agreed to perform special pieces during the service. Paula and I are indeed so happy that are offering us their special gifts. We even broke down and “registered” as many other couples approaching such an event do although I am still amazed the computer did not implode with the insertion of two brides and no groom into the system. It probably would have if it had found out the two brides once could have registered the other way in another part of their life although just by outward appearance. The real fun of the planning has been the selection and booking of our honeymoon following our wonderful ceremony and a reception of fun, friends and food and drink! Paula and I have enjoyed putting this all together although sometimes we question our sanity in doing so. However, I am sure on our special day it will all be worth it in the joy on our faces and in the hearts of our friends who love us for being who we are and supporting our love for each other!