It's Simply About Love

Weddings are beautiful and special events in a person’s life. Despite the rise in divorces over the years, for the vast number of people, the event is usually a once in a lifetime thing- a truly special day in one’s life of celebrating your love for another person. In the world of gay and lesbian marriages, we face the complications and struggles with a society that does not allow this union to be legal in most places. This is based on the opposition of religious extremists who continue to interject their interpretation of ancient texts which were written in a different time and translated into so many different languages over time, we have truly no idea what is applicable today and based on some belief that if two woman or two men who love each other marry that somehow their marriage of love is degraded by the act of the two men or two woman joining in a union.
I find it most interesting that the overturning of Prop 8 in California has now entered the federal courts where the federal judge is requesting the state to demonstrate that gay marriages somehow destroy straight marriages which we know can never be shown. Falling out of love, failing to communicate or other similar reasons can generally explain why many marriages fail and that has nothing to do with the gender of either party or the fact the neighbors down the street might be two men or two women who have chosen to unite in love and commitment. I know that my first marriage failed for many reasons but none of them had to do with what others were doing or who else was getting married somewhere else. To even think such defies all logic and reason although I have always suspected the religious right who opposes same sex unions do not use reason and logic but instead rely on religious indoctrination to replace such thinking. Someday society will get it and marriage will be a union of two people who because of their love and commitment to each other and willingness to support and comfort each other and share happiness and sadness together regardless of the gender of those two people or even what it legally use to be for those of us who are transgendered.
However, transgendered people who make a decision to remarry (even if it not yet legal and we call it a “commitment ceremony”) sometimes experience different feelings or issues because if being transgendered. When I got married in 1984, I was young and full of myself and in full blown denial of my true essence. I believed I could live life as a male and marry the girl I loved and raise a family and do all the things a traditional male is suppose to do and that by doing all these things I could make all this go away in my life. It did not work and I should have known this and I accept the blame for the union’s ultimate demise. When I stood there that day in that church in 1984 wearing a tuxedo and pretending to be someone I was not I was only fooling myself and everyone else and setting myself up for the failure that was to come. This failure would cause so much hurt and pain! The whole ceremony I kept thinking that I should have been the one in the gowns and flowers and all made up so wonderfully feminine. Instead I felt like the experience was surreal and I was again perpetrating my lie on all who attended by pretending to be this other person I was not.
This past week I married again. This time it was to someone who I loved who in turn loved me for who I truly am and have always been in life and who I love and accept as who she truly is in life. I married my partner Paula who I love dearly a service that we created and married as two transgendered people and two women despite society’s condemnation of the event. The event was a beautiful one for both Paula and I. First of all we could finally express publically what we felt for each other in our committed relationship and our live together. Secondly, the people who came to the event were not friends of my parents or hers or even those considered our relatives but instead were our “family” as we know it- those who love us for being who we are- Melissa and Paula. This time we would wear the dresses we always wanted to wear for such an event and spend the morning getting hair styled and makeup done with our wedding party. This time both of us walked down the aisle to the music we selected and played so beautifully by our friends. This time we heard music performed by gifted voices of our friends and our wedding party was composed of friends from all walks of the LGBT and straight ally communities we embrace so much. This time Paula and I carried the bouquet of flowers and the vows we spoke to each other were composed by us and not those prepared in some text. This time we could stand before our family of friends who love us and accept us for who we are and declare our love for each other as Paula and Melissa.
I know when we made the toast at the reception we did so from our heart and expressed how we felt in having our “family” present with us to share this beautiful day of love and commitment. I was so happy to see all the beautiful faces of loving people smiling back I nearly cried. This is how I always envisioned my wedding would be……a celebration of love between two people who love each other and accept and support each other for being who we are as people. This time there were no thoughts of perpetrating a lie and hiding my true self to make everyone else happy or to fit in and repress my true self. This time Paula and I could wear the dresses and hold the bouquets and dance and celebrate with our friends being our true selves!
The only thing that was the same between my previous marriage and the marriage to Paula last weekend was the love I had for the person I was marrying. Unfortunately, the previous one was based on a deception I created that I was somebody who I was not to make others in society more comfortable and to try and fool myself. It was doomed to fail because of such deception and lies but that is my own doing. Last week I married my best friend, my partner and my love who I know and accept and embrace as Paula and she married her best friend, partner and love who she knows and embraces as Melissa. We did so in the manner we wanted among our family of friends who love and accept us for who we are as people and who helped us celebrate our love and commitment. It is too bad that it could not be done “legally”. Maybe someday it will be and those of us in the LGBT community can finally be able to “legally consummate” our love and commitments to our partners in a society that will realize that by permitting two people to marry each other who love each other and are committed to each other regardless of their gender or what it legally use to be does not diminish or in any way take away from their love and commitment to each other. Regardless, Paula and I will always have October 10, 2009 as a special day in our lives together. I wish everyone peace and happiness in their lives and that find someone who to love who loves them and accepts them for who they are as people and that someday we all can finally legally celebrate such commitments and love in a society that embraces such for all people!.

Pictured above is our Honeymoon Cabin in the Smokie Mountains in Tenn.

Teacher, Teacher

You remember those days when you would walk into the classroom of your first day of class back in school- whether it was high school or college and got your first look sometimes at the person who would be teaching the course that semester. You sometimes wondered who that teacher was and what brought them there to teach you (why in the world would anyone want to teach) but mostly you wondered what kind of teacher they were going to be – interesting, hard, demanding, easy- going? Were they friendly? How much could you get away with in their class? Most of time, however, you never wondered who they use to be. It is a different when you are the one standing behind the podium as the instructor responsible for the teaching process and you are actually wondering in your mind whether any of the students are actually wondering who use to be –at least on the outside by appearance.

Today was a huge day for me to stand in that classroom and present myself to a bunch of young people from Generation Y who think and learn so vastly different and may be missing just a tad bit of the respect factor those of us who were educated as Baby Boomers or early Gen-xers. Today I had to stand in front of a bunch young people who question and challenging everything and wonder if that certain question might come sometime during the class. I love to teach and it is not the first time I have done so. I taught many seminars in my days of practicing law on various topics and I have actually stood behind that podium before for seven years as an Adjunct Faculty teaching. If the students will open their minds and participate and be willing to learn I feel I can offer much to them and maybe help them grow or even spark some drive in them. I can learn a lot from teaching as well as I truly believe interacting with younger people helps keep you young yourself and you too can learn much from them – especially if it involves technology. Most of these students have grown up all their life with technology from time they toddled into preschool. It’s almost scary how much the world has been turned upside down by technology in the last 15-20 years and the young people of the newest generations have absorbed every bit of it. Heck I was happy with touch tone phones and color TVs. Today my “cell phone” has more “apps” on it than I have shoes and I am not entirely convinced that somewhere in the device are not the launch codes for our country’s defenses or the secrets to the mystery of human civilization.

I was interviewed twice for the position and had to do a practice teach and evidently the faculty were impressed with the same and they offered me the position. However, on no fewer than four documents did I have to “out” myself to my new employer during the employment paperwork process. Transgendered people always love those questions that ask “Have you been known by any other name? “ Let’s see…hmmmm….and gees it does not exactly fit my present presentation or any of my legal documents today. But I will give them credit, they hired me anyway. Maybe they see a talent in me that has only seen a glimpse of light here and there over the years but maybe shines a bit more radiantly now that that dreary old shell has been torn away to reveal the real me.

The question of the day however, is whether the students see that light or whether they care that that old shell was once there. Even more frightening is whether I can keep their interest in world where their learning is fragmented and pans way beyond mere lectures. I have sought to invoke technology in my lesson plans in research projects and various A/V aides including power point and such. I also plan to segment the class into different activities such as class discussion and groups and guest speakers and even in-class simulations. I will put my all into this process and hopefully my love of teaching will show and carry the day against the rumblings of questions that may fill their minds about who this teacher is and more importantly who she use to be at least in outward presentation.

Today I stood before this group of young people as my true self without barriers and tried to stimulate them to enjoy and be active in politics and governments. I even had one student already tell me she had failed the class twice and would need my help to pass it. I told I would do so and I plan to keep my word and help anyone who is willing to try so she can succeed in her endeavors. That is what teachers do and I intend to be that type of teacher. I can learn a lot form young people just as they can learn from me and maybe we both will grow. I smiled the whole time I was at the podium and cracked a few jokes and tried to get them excited about the subject. I really did enjoy the experience and feel if given the opportunities I can be successful. Teaching can be stressful and troubling at times but it can be rewarding. I remember when I taught before and it was a good thing when a student came up and said that the class was challenging but interesting or years later if one came up to me and told me that learned a lot in my class and it helped them in their career. The pay is not great in teaching and should be better but that is a whole another blog in itself but money is not everything and there are rewards way beyond monetary ones in the teaching profession.

All I ask is that the school and students give Melissa a chance and do not make judgments about me simply because my spirit once contained itself trapped in another vessel and who I use to be physically. Time will tell and if the paperwork does not bury me alive I may just have found something I enjoy doing with my life and honestly may be pretty good at doing. Well it is time to go prepare some lesson plans and assignments and fill out paperwork. Time will indeed tell for this teacher and whether I will be successful and given that chance and I have already begun preparing myself for the role if it does ……oh teacher… “is that material going to be on the test?” Hmmmm…….I just went over that three times and told you to remember this point and it was in my power point and my handouts and highlighted in the book…..what do you think??

The Distancing

The act of distancing one’s self from others, a particular person or an idea is a common practice of politicians. Give a politician a way for him or her to place themselves at a point of distance from a controversial issue such as health care reform and they will be running to that point as fast as you can say “I’m up for re-election next year!” Unfortunately, the art of distancing is something transgendered people incur all the time and not merely after one comes out and begins transitioning but sometimes even months or years afterward. The only problem is that this form of distancing involves separating human contact from the transgendered person from those that initially accepted you for who you are and have always really been in life. It generally involves those again you thought were friends or family who did not reject you outright when the “you- know- what” hit the fan with full disclosure. However, in time these individuals become increasingly more distant and begin to pull away from you even considering their initial acceptance and apparent willingness to try to stay connected with you in life.

The disappointment of losing contact with such people is no less disheartening to the transgendered individual than if the person had pulled away quickly upon disclosure. However, I guess it does make the person engaging in such distancing tactics feel a little better because they can say they tried but for the transgendered individual effort is very subjective and the hurt caused by the distancing is really know less painful than the initial rejections. Again, the concept is an all too common occurrence. I know Donna Rose discussed it in her book “Wrapped in Blue” from her experience with some people she considered to be friends but who ultimately played the distancing game.

I don’t mean to cut these people down for that is not my point of all this but I don’t think they realized how much they hurt me by what they did and made me feel so unwelcomed. Recently the father of one of my old friends who had tried to stay connected with me after my transition died. I was upset about the death which I found out after all the funeral arrangements had taken place despite many who could have called and let me know. Instead my friends decided that since he had not told his mother and some others about me and there were other friends of his whom use to be “friends” with me in my old life who find me to be a disgusting and disturbing freak that I would not be told about the death until everything was over with for fear I might come and hug my friend and comfort him in his loss. I understand this loss probably better than most from experience in losing both my parents as well as my bother all in 15 short months. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for his loss but I found out that everyone, with his guidance, conspired not to tell me until it was all over so I would not be able to come and pay my respects and comfort my friend. I at first blamed others for this decision and only found out through a one line e-mail from my ex- her first communication with me in four months. I cried for my friend’s loss, I cried because the lack of information from my ex even about our children who I love so much. I cried because I was not welcome to come and pay my respects and comfort my friend. I blamed others and when I found it was my friend who orchestrated it all I cried again when I received his e-mail.

He told me in his letter that he has trouble seeing me and accepting and adapting to me as Melissa instead of the shell of the other person I pretended to be for so long. Of course, this could be helped by more contact between us and yet he and another friend have cancelled two other trips to come and visit and turned down other opportunities to meet as well. He is not the only one to do this for sure. Many other friends who initially showed some support when I first came out have not followed through with any communication or contact with me in a year. They have learned the distancing game well and maybe they too can give themselves a pat on the back for trying initially and maybe they feel that they are a bit better than those that rejected me outright but really ……haven’t we ended up in the same place anyway? The distance grows wider every day and yet the only answer to this gap is communicating and meeting and talking some things out and learning.

Paula and I went to the performances at Wall Street last night at the conclusion of TransOhio’s Transgender and Ally Symposium. One young talented young man by the name of Adam Apple performed a piece choreographed to the music of One Republic’s “Stop and Stare” which told of his life as a young Transman who loves his family but has been rejected by them, who has loss work and been denied jobs because of who he is as a person and who has been beaten and raped and yet is still so full of love and dignity. It was a powerful piece which brought many including myself and Paula to tears but his sign he held towards the end said it all… “I am human”. Human beings need love and understanding and acceptance for being themselves and distancing is not an act which addresses this need of every human being. I have experienced some of his work discrimination and rejection by family and friends but have not even come close to the pain he has endured in his life with the violence and assaults and suicide attempts but I understood his pain and his work on this production touched me. It also deeply affected Paula who admitted to me this morning she is depressed. I know she longs for contact and communication with her old friends and most importantly her family of children and grandkids she cannot see. It brings her such sadness in a heart full of love. Watching the beautiful performance by Adam only drew her more deeply into this great sadness.

We are not ungrateful for the warm and loving friends we have found here in Columbus. We love you all deeply and you kindness has touched us so profoundly! It is also the hope that you give us that maybe someday some of the people who rejected us in our life for being who we are as people and who have played the distancing game so well will understand our anguish and pain and reach out again. Maybe someday they can even be touched by the pain endured by a young man they have never even met named Adam. Maybe someday they will meet our new and wonderful friends we have here and see the beauty and love that exists in our community! I hope the distances between us as human beings grows shorter!

Waste!

Waste is defined as rubbish, trash, garbage, refuse, junk or other discarded materials by society. Waste is a subjective concept because items that some people discard may have value to others. Human waste is defined as most people as feces which is a nice term for shit. Waste in my scheme of things is the failure of society, through its organizations and entities, to hire or retain transgendered individuals who are out and transitioning or have transitioned merely because of misconceptions and biases which plagued our society. Far too many of my brothers and sisters in the transgendered community, myself included, are treated accordingly by society resulting in one of the highest rates of unemployment or underemployment anywhere in this country. The economy is already in the crapper and unemployment is rampant and when combined with the pervasive and insidious discrimination and prejudices against the transgendered community leaves so many of my brothers and sisters out of work and holding on by threads which get thinner by the day sometimes.

Now I do not mean to contend that my sisters and brothers in the L, G or B communities do not face discrimination in the workplace because they do. However, I think it is also true that many times the L, G or B can be concealed from current or perspective employers who care less and less about what you do after work and who you sleep with each night than they do about things which affect their workplace directly such as a transition of a transgendered person or how hiring transgendered person could be in their mind disruptive to their workforce and that is a major concern of organizations. Let’s face it you can come out as gay or lesbian and not really have to tell your coworkers if you don’t want to and keep the matter private which is your right. Try keeping the fact you are transgendered and transitioning a secret from your employer or its employees. When one is gay or lesbian their physical anatomy and appearance do not change much if at all. However, when one comes out on the workforce as transgendered and goes from being Kathy to being Karl or from being Tom to being Tina it is just a wee bit hard to hide that folks! The employer knows it is looking at time off for surgeries and treatment and headache of questions from other employees – not the least of these is the dreaded “where is so and so going to go to bathroom?”

Additionally, just because one is fully transitioned with all the surgeries and legalities does not make it easier when one is looking for work. I am searching for a new career and have been going to job fairs, applying for positions, sending out resumes and cover letters and filling out job profiles and applications on line. Two of the applications and online profiles ask “whether I have ever gone by another name or had a name change” Hmmmm…let's see….think they may notice that the old name was a male one and vastly different from my true name Melissa? Gees…a six year old can pick that one out- much less a HR person. I am not even to the interview process and here I am outing myself. It’s not the fact I am ashamed of who I am as a person but I know there are many out there who think I should be and I have already laid in their lap a reason not to hire me from the mere profile alone. That my friend is also a bunch of feces!

I meet so many talented transgendered people in my interactions with others through conferences and lobbying efforts or group meetings and the stories I hear are the same. Most of the people I meet are either working part time jobs that do not come near their qualifications. Others work as self- employed individuals struggling to keep their small businesses afloat and many are simply unemployed. It is estimated that unemployment in the “out” transgendered community is running somewhere around 50-60% and even higher. I have met so many out of work but talented computer techs, chefs, teachers, designers, and other professionals I cannot even count them! Many transgendered people I know lost their jobs when they came out and told people who they really were as people. My friend Teri was told that if she transitioned she would be terminated. Another person I know was offered a raise and new position until he came out and transitioned and in six months he went from being highly regarded for promotion as woman but when he transitioned to a man he ended up fired. My friend Debbie was terminated from her franchise dealership for selling log homes when she transitioned because the company felt I guess a transgendered woman could not sell them. Again since transgendered people when they come out and transition cannot hide the fact they are transgendered the ramifications in employment losses and difficulty in finding new work become an all too common scenario. This is such a waste of such talented people all for the reason that society cannot deal with the changing of outward genders even if it is to match the inner one that has been there all the life.

I have heard that the younger members of the transgendered community are a bit tired of all the “drama” of the older transgendered people. Well if I had come out as a teenager and my parents got me on hormones before I left for college and I had studied and earned my degrees in my true gender I would not be as worried about finding work. Transitioning before your mid twenties pretty much ensures you have not built much of a life as the person in the wrong gender. Your college and employment records would only reflect the true identity. Older transgendered people do not have that luxury. We built a life in the wrong gender. Our employment history is riddled with the old life. When potential employers start researching my background they will find another entity besides Melissa Alexander. I know my old law firm will do so because the person who is in charge of such information is a very macho, man’s man ex- military type guy. The number of “he’s” coming forth could not be counted on two hands. God knows what the transcripts from college will look like even though I have notified them and received new degrees from them with my proper name on them. I cannot escape that old life! Again I am not ashamed of w\ho I am- it’s just I am tired of having thrown up against me as I now live the life I was suppose to live all my life. My life is now and in the future but unfortunately it is my past that stands in the way. If one does not have much past because they are very young then they have little which can be used against them in the future.

What bothers me the most in all this is so much wasting of talent that many of my brothers and sisters can offer society if those in the transgendered community are given a chance without the jagged past thrown up in their faces. If employers will look beyond that history and consider that talent when it comes time to hire, promote and not terminate that employment because of the disclosure of the truth as to one’s identity, then the waste of human resources can begin to end and more healing can take place in the transgendered community and maybe a little less drama in this community as well. So many of us have already paid the price when it comes to loss of friends and family and resources which has hurt us emotionally we should be able to keep some dignity in maintaining work, finding new work for our talents and more enjoyment of the new life in the right gender. I know that the passage of the ENDA legislation and enactment of HB 176 in Ohio would go a long way in making this happen. Furthermore, repeal of the intrusive federal acts that violate everyone’s civil liberties and out our past lives would also help in this regard. Some day we may not talk about this absurdly high unemployment rate in our community and we can maybe even talk about the great things transgendered people are doing in society when the waste of talent has ended. Until then, the loss of such talent in society by members our community can only be simply classified as a waste and the pervasive discrimination faced in the same as “human waste!”

Binary Thinking: the aftermath of Chloe Prince and ABC Primetime

Last week ABC News did a Primetime feature on the life and transition of one of my friends Chloe Prince. I will admit it was pretty cool to see someone I have known fairly well for years in my community on primetime television. I have spent time talking with her wife and with her adorable children. I have sat many times in the house where most of the interviews were filmed. I thought overall it was a good program although I know from talking with Chloe afterward that there were many hours of footage that ended up on the cutting room floor and there were several things which could have been documented because they were done so but not included by ABC in the program. The program showed some of the points and issues raised by Chloe, her wife and even some by her children. The children may have understood what was going on better than most of the adults …… “she has a girl inside her that needs to get out”. Children often are more intelligent than we give them credit for and they see things easier and simpler than many adults do after years of life and all of its indoctrination. I know Chloe plans a blog on this topic and I hope everyone takes the time to view her work as she has a lot to say and is always worth the visit to her blogs! I know Chloe has received some flack as well as praise over the program from those within as well as outside the transgendered community. I know many people have weighed in with comments to her and at various sites hailing her as everything from a super hero to a dark villain.

There are always those they see things in the binary world where there must be a clear winner in any issue just as they always see things as black and white, male and female and are unable to see the world or any issue as having the grey areas which is vast in its nature. However, most people are not comfortable in that world and struggle with such concepts. To them, there must always be one side prevailing on an issue, there can only be one side of any controversy as they see it and any notion of any world in which gender is defined as female or male beyond the anatomical parts one is born with is not acceptable because to them it cannot exist. These are the same people who say that Chloe must be wrong and vilified for what she has done and therefore one must side with her spouse and children.

I understand the needs of her children- they are the same needs all children need- love and support as they make their way in this world. I have children myself and I know many others in my community with children of various ages- some older like me and others younger like Chloe’s. Her children need this love and support from their parents and they get it. So what if the parents now happen to be both women. I know many lesbian couples who have raised their own or adopted children just fine based on giving them love and support. So what is the big deal? I also understand her wife’s positions and feelings- they are pretty much the same as those expressed by my now ex-wife when I came out and transitioned to be who I was called to be as a person. I sympathize with these feelings and I realize the pain and embarrassment transition causes a spouse or loved one.

However, just because I understand the anguish, pain and frustration of the spouse does not mean I or any other person should condemn Chloe or myself or countless other transgendered people for deciding we could no longer live a life of lies and deceptions as to who we are and always have been in this life as people. Until society realizes that these decisions to come out and transition to be the person we have always been inside and make our outer shell fit our inner soul and essence is not a choice but a necessity actions such as those undertaken by Chloe in her life or thousands of us transgendered souls, there will always be condemnation of those of us with the courage to risk it all to come out and tell the world who we really are as people and transition our anatomy to fit that of the person we have always been in life.

Could the story presented on ABC been a better one? Yes of course it could have been. Maybe some things which were deleted should have been aired and maybe it could have been longer to show more depth and broader views and documentation. However, I felt no need after viewing it to chose sides or condemn anyone. I understand the views and needs of all the participants and realize there not always simple answers to complex issues. Likewise, I know the majority of the world cannot see things such way because there must be always these clearly defined concepts of right and wrong, black and white, male and female and everything else that is defined by the binary system that has held our society’s advancement back for generations!

Do I necessarily agree with everything Chloe stated or presented on the program? Again the answer is that I may have done or said things differently. That however does not make either of us right or wrong- just a little different as we all are in this world despite the binary concepts that hold us back in our thinking. I will say I was impressed with the statements made by her father. Could he have been better? Probably so- but I also know how he use to feel and I gave him all the credit in the world for being on the show and speaking his mind and I think his love for Chloe as parent was obvious- just as Chloe’s love was for her children who were fabulous in their presentations for sure. Again, the issues raised in this show, as with many other shows and books which have been produced in our community about transgendered people, are complex and full of lots of grey but most people cannot deal with that because it rocks their rigid binary world.

I understood the views expressed by all the participants of the program and thought they all did a pretty good job. There were no winners and losers and there is no need to take sides or be critical of anyone. I feel sorry for those that do because they continue to be plagued by the same binary thought patterns that define our society and inhibit its progress. I applaud those that did not take any sides but could see all the views and understand the complexities of the issues presented. I do want to say this as someone who knows Chloe and has spent considerable time with her over the years I am proud of you girl! You did good girl as did all the others in the show and I hope the program will serve to facilitate the need for society to get out of its binary thinking and see the complexity of issues and the field of grey that lies in between the absolutes our society thrives on- although to our detriment.

For those of you who have not seen the program you can go to the ABC site and watch the rebroadcast of the show…….hopefully with an open mind and the absence of the binary thinking!

The Caregiver

This week the roles get reversed and it is time for Paula Katherine Prichard to shine! For much of this year my partner and soul mate Paula has adopted a secondary role as a caretaker of yours truly as I underwent facial reconstruction through FFS in January in Boston and breast augmentation and gender confirmation surgery in May in New Hope Pa with Dr. McGinn. Each time she helped me through some very difficult struggles and way too much time in hospitals and hotel beds in recovery. In Boston, I faced the longest night of my life as I lay in that hospital bed wrapped up so tight around my head I thought I was going to mummified all while unable to see and looking like a freight train had run through my upper body. Paula stayed the night in the room and held my hand, rubbed my feet and talked with me trying to keep me distracted from the pain and darkness. She fed me ice chips- one at a time under my tongue as my only source of fluid or food. Paula drove me back to the hotel and attended to me for a week in the hotel, helping me bathe, applying medicines to my wounds and bruises and getting supplies and food when necessary. It all made my recovery so much less difficult. She also provided for me through her unique way she has in lifting my spirits so much. Paula is a wonderful caregiver!
This past May, I laid in a hospital for five days and nights and there was Paula again providing me with great comfort and tenderness, getting me drinks, helping me eat food for the first few days when I could not move my arms or raise my head. On the day I first stood up and my legs shook and wobbled as I rested on the walker and wanting so badly to just fall back into the bed, she again helped me focus on her and ignore all the light headiness and weakness in my lower extremities. For the next two days she helped me walk as I maneuvered around the hall with a walker visiting my sisters who followed me in surgery making sure I did not fall and helping back into my bed. She helped me freshen up each day and held a mirror before me so I could put in my contacts and do my makeup in my prone position. When we got to the hotel Paula helped me walk the halls, sit down and even get on the toilet and cleaned up some messes which resulted from some early issues with the same as well as some bleeding. Again, she also bought the supplies and went after the food and assisted me in so many ways even if it was just a phone call from my hospital room to her when I could not sleep from the drugs.
Paula even helped out some of the other girls who had surgeries that very week when she discovered they were alone. She did not need to do this but her heart led her to do so and the other girls appreciated her kindness and warmth. All of this up-close exposure to us girls struggling through the process even made her question her own strengths to do this great challenge. However, she found the resolve to do and focused on her goals. In order to do her surgery, Paula had to lose forty pounds and she did so in a manner so focused and all while building her strength and endurance through exercise to help her get through it and recover easier. She did so all while being my caregiver through these past months.
Now it is her time to undergo her lifelong dream of having her body finally matching her soul and essence of who she is with her gender conformation surgery and trachea shave at the skilled hands of Dr. Christine McGinn. And now after all this care and comfort she has provided me over the last six months, it is now my turn to be the caretaker for her. I get to be the chauffer and runner for food and supplies. I get to help her stand up and take her first steps after surgery. The night after her surgery I will be the one feeding her ice chips and cool drinks and holding her hands and rubbing her feet. It is my turn to help her dine during her hospital stay and assist her in freshening up and doing her makeup from the prone position. I get to be the one walking with her as she struggles to walk simple hallways for days and help her get to the bathroom and clean up the messes. I look forward to helping her through all this and letting her moment of rebirth shine. I will be the one calling the friends and letting them know all is well with her.
For the next weeks Paula is the girl of the hour and I am the caregiver. I hope I do this role well but I have had a good deal of experience watching and learning from her as she took so very good care of me!. Paula’s heart is so big and she cares so much about people and our love for each other has grown increasingly from day to day and all through our struggles and the emotions and challenges they bring in this process. I have grown as a person through my interaction with her in our relationship and learned more about love and letting my heart show as I evolved from the years of living in the confinement of the shell that seemed to cut off so much feeling.
Next Monday I will be one pacing the floors waiting on word from her surgeon that all has gone well and that she is recovering. I will spread the good news of her rebirth and the beginning of her healing process. I will walk into her patient room that will look all so familiar to me and hold her hand and smile down at her as she did me on the day of my physical rebirth. When this occurs my responsibilities of her caregiver commence in earnest. I look forward to paying back some of all the depth of kindness and care she provided me these past months as we also still dealt with the emotional losses and devastation of our transitions in the past years as well. I will lower my hand to reach hers and hold it so gently to let her know I am here for her and ready to attend to her needs as her caregiver.
I made a slide show as a tribute to her life, our times together and her work as my caregiver and emotional support and friendships she built over the years. It’s your turn to shine now girl and fulfill all that you dreamed of and never thought even possible a few years ago- with me by your side and in your heart as your best friend, your partner in life, your love and for the next few weeks….your caregiver!
Hugs to all our friends who helped so much in our journeys and being a a wonderful part of our lives

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Against the Grain

Sometimes in this world it is OK to go against the grain such as when you know that important values such as freedom or dignity are at stake. Sometimes in nature creatures such as fish like salmon go against the grain as part of their maturation process of life. However, for a transgendered person going against the grain is what causes all the stress and turmoil and conflict in our life and is exactly what causes me the greatest challenge next to what I discussed last week about discrimination and male privilege in my post transitional life. See my life started on the wrong track…the wrong path and I must now deal with the consequences of the same and work to correct these defects in my indoctrination into life.
When I was born, some medical staff personal looked down upon my tiny infant body and saw what to them was a male anatomy. No one asked me for my assessment…for my feelings or views and even if they did I could not discuss it at that tiny stage in my life. I did not discover that I felt different than other “boys” until I was six or seven years old when I first acted on what I felt inside of me was that of a girl……but by then it was too late. I had already been tracked into the male camp and the indoctrination of male values and thinking was being crammed into me by society, parents and teachers. It’s like boys and girls early on in childhood are treated relatively the same as we travelled the same road of life. Somewhere along the way the road widens and we are pushed to one side of it based upon our physical gender and not our inner essence. Shortly thereafter the road separates and “boys” are sent to one camp for training and “girls” to the other camp- again all based on outward appearance and not how we feel about who we truly are in life.
Once we are separated into these camps the indoctrination begins in full force and for those of us in the group where our inner spirit and outer shell do not coincide with each other, we are left fighting against the grain. In my case I was told I was a boy and boys do certain things. We do not express emotion except anger, we are tougher and we play physical sports. Later on we are told by our peers that woman are for our pleasure but don’t get too emotionally attached. We are told that the appendage we have down between our legs entitles us to a privilege in society – an inner circle of power and control. We are taught aggression and to lead and be in control and so on so forth. The training and upbringing runs contrary to our inner souls when one is transgendered. We know it does not fit but we try to fit in so we adapt the only teachings we are given – even if they do not fit who we are as people. The conflict, guilt and repression leads to so many problems which we try to resolve by the improper indoctrination we have been given since just after we came into the world. The conflicts create crises we struggle to resolve and this going against the grain only causes more issues and problems for us.
Meanwhile, over in the girls’ camp, the indoctrination is vastly different and if one is transgendered by virtue of being FtoM TS the same conflicts arise but the indoctrination is again an issue. Females are taught different values and concepts than males. Emotions are handled differently and indoctrination is more focused about their bodies and how to use their femininity to get things. Maybe the best learning process came from other woman through the interactions which occur among woman in society through sleepovers as teenagers to close circles of friends that evolve over the course of life’s journey. Unfortunately, I did not get to participate in these groups or the training process that society lays out for those it deems to be female based on physical assessments made at birth and not one’s true essence and spirit.
Now here I am- a post transitional woman whose body now reflects her inner essence and being but who had the wrong training during my formative years. I now live in the world against the grain. It’s like I need to go back to the time the road separated early in my life and this time to take the right route that leads me to where the girls were gathered and taught about life as a female and learned about their bodies and actions as women in life. Almost every bit of indoctrination I received ran contrary and against the grain of what I should have received to match my inner soul and essence of whom I truly was but for the physical defects I came into the world with far too many years ago. Yes I have learned much from my interaction with women over the years and this has helped. However, it cannot replace the early indoctrination that other females received that I was denied by virtue of decisions made for me based on appearances.
I view this path against the grain as well as the issues I discussed last week on male privilege and discrimination to be my greatest challenges as a post transitional woman. I see them as far more daunting and challenging barriers than anything I have done physically and I have done a good deal physically! I intend to enjoy my life, I intend to combat the undeserved male privilege wherever I can in my journey and I plan on continuing my interaction with those of my true gender of a woman absorbing as much as I can to deal with the lack of learning in this area I did not receive as a young person in life. These are the challenges that a post operative transgendered woman faces and they require as much courage and strength if not more than what was needed to come out and be one’s true self and go through the challenges of physical transition. I will with the help of many friends and acquaintances work to unlearn much of what I learned in my younger years and continue to struggle “against the grain”. I know I can be successful in taking on these challenges.

Second and Third Class Citizenship and the "Male Privilege"

Last week I wrote about the physical changes in my life since my gender conformation surgery and it involved a bit of humorous look at some things but with a very significant conclusion- I am so very happy to have my body and anatomy now reflect my true spirit and my essence and end the conflict which had gone on for much of my life. I welcome the changes openly and with much happiness indeed! However, these are far more serious issues which confront my new life in the female gender which go well beyond my physical changes. The changes worry me a great deal and pose the greatest obstacles to my journey along the path of life as a woman and post op transgendered woman. It is these obstacles and issues that I would like to focus on in this and next week’s blog.
I have faced many in my former life inside the shell who have questioned my decision to come out and let the world know the real me – Melissa Marie Alexander. Some of these people and almost exclusively the males have questioned my decision to live life as the person I truly am instead of continuing to live the lie I perpetrated for so long because they see the move to expose my true gender from the shell as one involving step down the ladder as they and many in society see it. My God why would anyone want to become a woman when they lived the life (even if it was a lie) of a male and a white male at that? Women, as they see it, are second class citizens subservient to men. Let’s face it- women have been seen as second class citizens in this country despite its founding principles because the country was founded by white men. It took another 150 years before woman could even be allowed to cast a vote in this country. Forty-four US Presidents and not a single one of them a woman (and no wonder we still have so many problems here!)
Women face significant challenges in the workplace including many glass ceilings and disparate treatment even when they excel at what they do. I know for example that my old law firm was slow in the hiring of a woman lawyer and the first partner of the female gender in the firm did not occur until the early eighties. When I was recruited to the firm the class of new lawyers was four “men” I put that in quotation only because I was included in that class. Apparently the choice of my slot came down to between me another woman and I was hired instead of her. Because my true identity was hidden deep beneath my shell I was deemed to be accorded the so called “male privilege” that fosters the exclusion or disparate treatment of women in our male dominated society. I recall several instances where the male attorneys in the firm and in the bar at large would refer to female attorneys with statements such as “she is a good female lawyer” instead of she is a good lawyer. We already know her gender so obviously the statement implies that female lawyers are judged by a different standard than of that applied to non female lawyers. Another example was another of my colleagues referring to the fact that “she took the adverse decision like a man” What in the Sam Hell does that mean? Again it simply implies that women are held to different standards than men in our society.
Don’t get me wrong I benefited from the so called “male privilege” despite the fact I did not deserve it but further more why does it exist in the first place? Just because over two hundred years ago white men, based primarily on Biblical influences, which is a document written by men for the benefit and empowerment of men, controlled everything and made the laws does that mean that in the twenty- first century this so called male privilege should continue to exist and women treated as second class citizens? Sure there are differences between men and women however these differences do not relegate women to the second class status many males believe should continue to exist in our society. That is why so many men have trouble with M to F transsexuals. Why (in their mind) would any male want to take the step down the ladder to live life as a female? I am sure that just as I am changing all my legal documents recently to reflect my true gender status as a female I must be getting some papers sent to me somewhere by the “Good ole Boys “ association dismissing me from the group and stripping me of a privilege which has no right to even exist in this society! I recall the jokes that were shared with me by those in this male privilege regarding women which displayed how many men truly felt about the so called softer gender.
I have become a second class citizen in my country by virtue of my transition to live life in my true gender of a woman. Hell, some people can rightfully argue that because I am a transgendered woman as well that I actually fall in the category of third class citizen. That is why many transgendered people and especially transwomen attempt to go stealth after the surgeries so at least they are only discriminated against for being a woman and not a transwomen. I will now face significant and pervasive discrimination that will dramatically impede my ability to find new work. It is tough enough to find work in a difficult economy without being thrown into the jaws of discrimination. Will I be judged on my education, my degrees, my work experiences and skills or even my drive and work ethic when it comes to hiring or promotions? Most likely not if the decision maker is one in the class of the male privilege. In that case, the decision will likely be made on the fact that I either have a vagina or I now have a vagina but did not always have one. Either way- I’m screwed! Another case in point is my current professional group decided they did not want me to serve again on the Board of Directors despite my willingness to do so. Let’s see- this year the incoming President is a male and the chair of the Nominating Committee is a male. I have been told however that there is interest in having me return in 2010-2011 year to the Board. It is interesting to note that the following year the President will be a woman and the chair of the nominating committee will be a woman. Hmmmmm……I don’t think much more be said here on this do you?
I am not going to take discrimination against me – either as a woman or a transgendered woman sitting down that is for sure. I am not going to let a bunch of macho males espousing some claim to “male privilege” stand in my way of achieving my goals in life or from making a living. However this issue is one that concerns me and stands as a great challenge to me and many other transgendered women in our society. I have many so many of my sisters over the years that when I ask them what they do for a living , they tell me what they use to do before they came out and transitioned but sadly their talents are wasted afterward as they are unemployed! It worries me far more any physical change which has occurred as a result of all these procedures over the last several months. Dr. McGinn should have written on my affidavit that Melissa Marie Alexander is fully female …..and therefore must relinquish her entitlement to “male privilege” previously bestowed upon her by virtue of her wonderfully executed façade of pretending to be a male and furthermore subject herself to second class citizenship, discrimination, glass ceilings and misperceptions (and not mention the butt of much male humor)………………….I know that there are some good males out there in society who don’t think in stride with those who exercise their male privilege. Almost all of the gay men I have met in our GBLT community are like this and a few other straight ones as well-but the majority of males in our society cling to this male privilege and reinforce its presence on a daily basis. Maybe someday it will all change and the so called male privilege will end and woman will be treated as true equals in society. Maybe someday a woman might even become President of the United States and get a chance to show that even after over two hundred years of male rule of the country that it takes a woman to come in and clean up the mess which was created by all those other years of leadership by those in the male privilege. Maybe someday transwomen will rise from the status of third class citizens as well in society and that we can be judged on our talents, experiences, training, passions, education and commitment instead of what our bodies use to look like when we were pretending and living life in a shell that afforded us the benefit of a privilege that we did not deserve and which does not even need to exist in our modern society.