It's Simply About Love

Weddings are beautiful and special events in a person’s life. Despite the rise in divorces over the years, for the vast number of people, the event is usually a once in a lifetime thing- a truly special day in one’s life of celebrating your love for another person. In the world of gay and lesbian marriages, we face the complications and struggles with a society that does not allow this union to be legal in most places. This is based on the opposition of religious extremists who continue to interject their interpretation of ancient texts which were written in a different time and translated into so many different languages over time, we have truly no idea what is applicable today and based on some belief that if two woman or two men who love each other marry that somehow their marriage of love is degraded by the act of the two men or two woman joining in a union.
I find it most interesting that the overturning of Prop 8 in California has now entered the federal courts where the federal judge is requesting the state to demonstrate that gay marriages somehow destroy straight marriages which we know can never be shown. Falling out of love, failing to communicate or other similar reasons can generally explain why many marriages fail and that has nothing to do with the gender of either party or the fact the neighbors down the street might be two men or two women who have chosen to unite in love and commitment. I know that my first marriage failed for many reasons but none of them had to do with what others were doing or who else was getting married somewhere else. To even think such defies all logic and reason although I have always suspected the religious right who opposes same sex unions do not use reason and logic but instead rely on religious indoctrination to replace such thinking. Someday society will get it and marriage will be a union of two people who because of their love and commitment to each other and willingness to support and comfort each other and share happiness and sadness together regardless of the gender of those two people or even what it legally use to be for those of us who are transgendered.
However, transgendered people who make a decision to remarry (even if it not yet legal and we call it a “commitment ceremony”) sometimes experience different feelings or issues because if being transgendered. When I got married in 1984, I was young and full of myself and in full blown denial of my true essence. I believed I could live life as a male and marry the girl I loved and raise a family and do all the things a traditional male is suppose to do and that by doing all these things I could make all this go away in my life. It did not work and I should have known this and I accept the blame for the union’s ultimate demise. When I stood there that day in that church in 1984 wearing a tuxedo and pretending to be someone I was not I was only fooling myself and everyone else and setting myself up for the failure that was to come. This failure would cause so much hurt and pain! The whole ceremony I kept thinking that I should have been the one in the gowns and flowers and all made up so wonderfully feminine. Instead I felt like the experience was surreal and I was again perpetrating my lie on all who attended by pretending to be this other person I was not.
This past week I married again. This time it was to someone who I loved who in turn loved me for who I truly am and have always been in life and who I love and accept as who she truly is in life. I married my partner Paula who I love dearly a service that we created and married as two transgendered people and two women despite society’s condemnation of the event. The event was a beautiful one for both Paula and I. First of all we could finally express publically what we felt for each other in our committed relationship and our live together. Secondly, the people who came to the event were not friends of my parents or hers or even those considered our relatives but instead were our “family” as we know it- those who love us for being who we are- Melissa and Paula. This time we would wear the dresses we always wanted to wear for such an event and spend the morning getting hair styled and makeup done with our wedding party. This time both of us walked down the aisle to the music we selected and played so beautifully by our friends. This time we heard music performed by gifted voices of our friends and our wedding party was composed of friends from all walks of the LGBT and straight ally communities we embrace so much. This time Paula and I carried the bouquet of flowers and the vows we spoke to each other were composed by us and not those prepared in some text. This time we could stand before our family of friends who love us and accept us for who we are and declare our love for each other as Paula and Melissa.
I know when we made the toast at the reception we did so from our heart and expressed how we felt in having our “family” present with us to share this beautiful day of love and commitment. I was so happy to see all the beautiful faces of loving people smiling back I nearly cried. This is how I always envisioned my wedding would be……a celebration of love between two people who love each other and accept and support each other for being who we are as people. This time there were no thoughts of perpetrating a lie and hiding my true self to make everyone else happy or to fit in and repress my true self. This time Paula and I could wear the dresses and hold the bouquets and dance and celebrate with our friends being our true selves!
The only thing that was the same between my previous marriage and the marriage to Paula last weekend was the love I had for the person I was marrying. Unfortunately, the previous one was based on a deception I created that I was somebody who I was not to make others in society more comfortable and to try and fool myself. It was doomed to fail because of such deception and lies but that is my own doing. Last week I married my best friend, my partner and my love who I know and accept and embrace as Paula and she married her best friend, partner and love who she knows and embraces as Melissa. We did so in the manner we wanted among our family of friends who love and accept us for who we are as people and who helped us celebrate our love and commitment. It is too bad that it could not be done “legally”. Maybe someday it will be and those of us in the LGBT community can finally be able to “legally consummate” our love and commitments to our partners in a society that will realize that by permitting two people to marry each other who love each other and are committed to each other regardless of their gender or what it legally use to be does not diminish or in any way take away from their love and commitment to each other. Regardless, Paula and I will always have October 10, 2009 as a special day in our lives together. I wish everyone peace and happiness in their lives and that find someone who to love who loves them and accepts them for who they are as people and that someday we all can finally legally celebrate such commitments and love in a society that embraces such for all people!.

Pictured above is our Honeymoon Cabin in the Smokie Mountains in Tenn.

The Caregiver

This week the roles get reversed and it is time for Paula Katherine Prichard to shine! For much of this year my partner and soul mate Paula has adopted a secondary role as a caretaker of yours truly as I underwent facial reconstruction through FFS in January in Boston and breast augmentation and gender confirmation surgery in May in New Hope Pa with Dr. McGinn. Each time she helped me through some very difficult struggles and way too much time in hospitals and hotel beds in recovery. In Boston, I faced the longest night of my life as I lay in that hospital bed wrapped up so tight around my head I thought I was going to mummified all while unable to see and looking like a freight train had run through my upper body. Paula stayed the night in the room and held my hand, rubbed my feet and talked with me trying to keep me distracted from the pain and darkness. She fed me ice chips- one at a time under my tongue as my only source of fluid or food. Paula drove me back to the hotel and attended to me for a week in the hotel, helping me bathe, applying medicines to my wounds and bruises and getting supplies and food when necessary. It all made my recovery so much less difficult. She also provided for me through her unique way she has in lifting my spirits so much. Paula is a wonderful caregiver!
This past May, I laid in a hospital for five days and nights and there was Paula again providing me with great comfort and tenderness, getting me drinks, helping me eat food for the first few days when I could not move my arms or raise my head. On the day I first stood up and my legs shook and wobbled as I rested on the walker and wanting so badly to just fall back into the bed, she again helped me focus on her and ignore all the light headiness and weakness in my lower extremities. For the next two days she helped me walk as I maneuvered around the hall with a walker visiting my sisters who followed me in surgery making sure I did not fall and helping back into my bed. She helped me freshen up each day and held a mirror before me so I could put in my contacts and do my makeup in my prone position. When we got to the hotel Paula helped me walk the halls, sit down and even get on the toilet and cleaned up some messes which resulted from some early issues with the same as well as some bleeding. Again, she also bought the supplies and went after the food and assisted me in so many ways even if it was just a phone call from my hospital room to her when I could not sleep from the drugs.
Paula even helped out some of the other girls who had surgeries that very week when she discovered they were alone. She did not need to do this but her heart led her to do so and the other girls appreciated her kindness and warmth. All of this up-close exposure to us girls struggling through the process even made her question her own strengths to do this great challenge. However, she found the resolve to do and focused on her goals. In order to do her surgery, Paula had to lose forty pounds and she did so in a manner so focused and all while building her strength and endurance through exercise to help her get through it and recover easier. She did so all while being my caregiver through these past months.
Now it is her time to undergo her lifelong dream of having her body finally matching her soul and essence of who she is with her gender conformation surgery and trachea shave at the skilled hands of Dr. Christine McGinn. And now after all this care and comfort she has provided me over the last six months, it is now my turn to be the caretaker for her. I get to be the chauffer and runner for food and supplies. I get to help her stand up and take her first steps after surgery. The night after her surgery I will be the one feeding her ice chips and cool drinks and holding her hands and rubbing her feet. It is my turn to help her dine during her hospital stay and assist her in freshening up and doing her makeup from the prone position. I get to be the one walking with her as she struggles to walk simple hallways for days and help her get to the bathroom and clean up the messes. I look forward to helping her through all this and letting her moment of rebirth shine. I will be the one calling the friends and letting them know all is well with her.
For the next weeks Paula is the girl of the hour and I am the caregiver. I hope I do this role well but I have had a good deal of experience watching and learning from her as she took so very good care of me!. Paula’s heart is so big and she cares so much about people and our love for each other has grown increasingly from day to day and all through our struggles and the emotions and challenges they bring in this process. I have grown as a person through my interaction with her in our relationship and learned more about love and letting my heart show as I evolved from the years of living in the confinement of the shell that seemed to cut off so much feeling.
Next Monday I will be one pacing the floors waiting on word from her surgeon that all has gone well and that she is recovering. I will spread the good news of her rebirth and the beginning of her healing process. I will walk into her patient room that will look all so familiar to me and hold her hand and smile down at her as she did me on the day of my physical rebirth. When this occurs my responsibilities of her caregiver commence in earnest. I look forward to paying back some of all the depth of kindness and care she provided me these past months as we also still dealt with the emotional losses and devastation of our transitions in the past years as well. I will lower my hand to reach hers and hold it so gently to let her know I am here for her and ready to attend to her needs as her caregiver.
I made a slide show as a tribute to her life, our times together and her work as my caregiver and emotional support and friendships she built over the years. It’s your turn to shine now girl and fulfill all that you dreamed of and never thought even possible a few years ago- with me by your side and in your heart as your best friend, your partner in life, your love and for the next few weeks….your caregiver!
Hugs to all our friends who helped so much in our journeys and being a a wonderful part of our lives

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Newhart, Dreams and Life with Paula

Are any of you fans of the Bob Newhart shows on television? Both his old where he was working as a psychologist in Chicago and his newer one where he was an innkeeper in Vermont are seen many nights on Nick at Night and will likely live on in syndication for some time. If any of you remember on this last episode of the newer series in Vermont, Bob rolls over in bed and finds his old wife Suzanne Pleshette from the old show next to him and apparently he dreamed the entire seven seasons of the new show and it never really happened. Of course, the episode was absolutely hilarious and was a spoof on the series “Dallas” in which the entire season without Bobby was suppose to have been a dream and never really happened to explain his absence from the show.
Sometimes I feel like those episodes of the old TV shows. I sometimes wonder if I wake up one morning and find myself in my old body and deeply imbedded in my old shell and lying next to my ex-wife in my old bed in my old house we shared for so many years and all that has happened since I left has been a dream. My wonderful life with Paula and my transition, surgeries and hormone changes and all that has happened to me since I left to live life as who I truly am- Melissa was all a wonderful dream and I am still living the lie. Don’t get me wrong and with no insult to my ex-wife who was and remains a sweet loving and intelligent woman who I dearly hope finds some equally special person to fill her life with happiness, but if all that has happened has been a dream, the taste of what my life as Melissa would be like through the dream would only serve to compel me to move forward and end up transitioning and living life as I was meant to live it- as Melissa! Hopefully, the new life would also involve Paula who I enjoy waking up next to each day as we talk or cuddle or hold hands and listen to the sounds of the world awaking outside or the bird singing in the room next door. She is such an important part of my life and my journey and I truly realize how much I am a very big part of hers too.
The question came up the other day between us about where we would be in our lives without each other- if we had never met in May of 2007 on that night in Toledo when we talked for two hours. As you know from my earlier blogs, Paula fell in love with me that night. She carried the torch silently and never let on about it as we became great friends. A year later when I realized that I had fallen in love with her we began our relationship as soul mates, best friends and partners in life and love. Next week we plan to celebrate our one year anniversary together. However, I agree with her in that it was fate that brought us together that night and through our meeting and friendship and evolution into a deep caring love we found each other as soul mates. Paula thinks neither of us would be where we are today in our transitions if it was not for our meeting that warm spring night two years ago and she is probably right. We both might still be living in our old lives pretending to be someone we were not or maybe we would be early on in transition but struggling alone as many in our community do. I feel so fortunate to have met her, to have become friends with her and to found Melissa’s soul mate and partner in life and to have my love around each day and night with me as we move forward together.
We support each other as we have struggled or continue to struggle with divorces and loss of contact with those we love deeply as well as through our transitions involving so many new emotions, feelings and difficult trials including our surgeries. Somehow I know we will both make it being together supporting each other and helping bring the true essence of ourselves to life and continue to grow as Paula and Melissa. I know that our love will grow even deeper as we enrich each other’s spirit and lift each other’s soul-even in our darkest hours. Together we will grow as both ourselves and as soul mates in life and love. I shudder to think where I would be in my journey without her and I know she feels likewise. That is why I know I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night or early morning hours just to make sure she is still there and make sure I have not been dreaming this life. No Bob Newhart or Dallas episodes for me please!

FFS, the Long Dark Night and Life at Camp 517

Well its Day Five of the Camp 517 here in cold and snowy Boston –like that matters since I have only been outside the base camp for the ten minute trip to transfer to the camp from Boston Medical Center where I underwent FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) on Thursday January 22nd. It is a procedure that will dramatically change my life- maybe more so than my upcoming GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) in May of this year. The latter will enable me to change the gender marker on such documents as my birth certificate, driver’s license and passport but what I went through last week changes the way I look as well as how others in society will view me. As long as my voice work continues no longer can I be made by those in society simply because my forehead or brows appear to be masculine for they have been redefined through the outstanding skills of Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel to be exceedingly feminine. While the GRS is very important in changing one’s gender to match your inner soul, in reality no one but a few people will ever see my genitalia however tons of people will see my face in public every single day interacting with the world for the remainder of my life.
As a result of the complicated surgery performed the forehead is now smooth and flat through grinding and contouring and packing and plastering and the brows are raised to accentuate my baby blues. My nose was redefined by the surgeon to fit the new forehead and brow, made smaller and turned up at the end a bit to flare the nostrils upward. Dr. Spiegel was happy with all the work but he was particularly pleased with his touches to the nose. At this point it is still hard to tell since it wrapped and shielded. It is the one piece of work I have not fully seen since it is shielded for a few more days. My lips are fuller and turned up toward the nose and my jaw line and neck are smoother and narrower and make my chin more defined and more contoured to that of a woman. Some of this has been difficult to see because of swelling but that will resolve in a couple more weeks. In time, I will be presentable but in months when things really settle down I will see the full effects of the work. Regardless, I will look different than I ever have and not as easily mistaken for the wrong gender anymore. There is no going back now and I did not want to. Despite the extensive pain and aftercare I would need I was so very calm as I walked into that hospital that Thursday morning – as calm as I had ever been for about to something as dramatic as I was about to do considering its consequences-both short and long term on my life. I had been at peace with this decision for months. I have found peace with myself and my life as who I truly am as a person…Melissa. Now I will look far more like the person I always saw myself as but hid away from so many for so long. If there were any of the old “shell fragments left they got clobbered by ball bats for sure. I had never been under anesthesia before in my life so I had no idea what to expect. I laid there in Preparation room as the IV was started and talked with nurse and two med students who were observing. They were curious about transgendered people and wanted to know more and neither had seen this surgery before. We had a wonderful chat about being transgendered, FFS, GRS and all kinds of issues. I remember answering some questions raised by the anesthesiologist and going over final plans with Dr. Spiegel and giving thumbs up after removing my contacts. I never remember even seeing the hallway to the operating room much less the operating room itself or counting or anything..…one minute its 7:45 am and the next I am back in recovery on same bed and its 3:30 PM although I did dream briefly about rainbow colors…..the next thing I know I am being awaked by the voice of the nurse …..”Melissa” ……
The “night of living hell” that followed is a night I shall always remember for as long as I live. That night was the period of time following my surgery and “awaking for the first time in recovering room lying on back with my head wrapped in bandages and a device that felt like my head had been placed in a tight vice. I could see a slit of white light from right eye and nothing from my left. Sounds around me included machines and nurses talking to others and doctors mumbling. My head hurt so much and drugs still dripped in my body. I was finally taken to my patient room and reunited with Paula and the dreadful, long, dreary night began. I would not have made it through that night BUT for the love and patience of my sweet Paula. My sweet, tender girl got me through that dreadfully long night! I slept maybe two hours that night between 4:30 PM and 6:30 AM- the point at which they finally came in to change the bandages. Paula said I fell right to sleep after the removed the binder and changed the dressing for a few more hours. How could I sleep? Wrapped so tightly I felt I would choke on the blood that dripped into my throat and made me gag and the binding so tight it made it hard to even swallow. With my mouth so dry and lips so swollen I could not suck fluids and pouring in anything in while I lay down caused me to spit it up and choke. Tears streamed down my battered face. I could not breathe due to the swelling and clogging of my restructured nose.
I only survived by Paula distracting me with talk, spooning me ice chips into my parched mouth, holding my hand and rubbing my feet with massages. I knew if I could just hold on until 6:30 AM in morning the staff would come and take off the extremely tighter binder. But13-14 hours was a long, dark and painful time. The minutes passed so slowly and I was lost in darkness. I begged for it to be 6:30 AM. It was the longest night of my life for sure. However, Paula’s love and devotion for me saved me that night and in the morning I felt so much better when they removed the restrictive binding I actually ate a good breakfast after dozing back to sleep for a while – a soft one for sure but a good one with eggs, applesauce juice and milk. I had survived the roughest night and each day thereafter was to get a little better. Paula helped get me ready after another round of food at lunch which including cream of chicken soup and pudding. Delicacies for sure !! Now, it was time to head to base camp…otherwise known as “Camp 517” for recovery. I named it in honor of our room number.
The recovery has been difficult though as I have not left the confines of “Camp 517” as I have affectionately renamed the fortress Paula and I have built here in our hotel suite nearby the hospital. I feel like some criminals on the run hiding out and holing up in some room somewhere to escape the search of law enforcement officials. Paula and I have built base camp here. We have food and water and our supplies seem to be holding up well. I have a vaporizer going 24/7 which keeps my passages open and after a few days I stop spitting up blood. By day three following the surgery I was even back to drinking my java which helped get me “regular” again along with some pills. One of the “great” side effects of anesthesia is that it produces a bit of clogging of the old pipes and I was under the stuff for about seven hours of work on the operating table. Food is cooked as needed as my hours have been irregular for sure as I slipped in and out of drug induced comas all through the days and nights sometimes sleeping at 2:00PM and wide awake at 3:30 AM. We occupy our time by reading books, magazines and playing cards (Paula and I have the longest running Gin Rummy game going in history) We watch TV or we catch up a bit on the computer or listen to music. I live a life this week of regular icings, soft foods, struggling with stitches in places you usually don’t find them, applying creams and lotions and resting. My schedule is so out of whack I am usually up by 3:30 in morning each night and walking around in my wrapped bruised and swollen head I look like I am in the walk of the zombies from some cheap horror B-movie. I hope each day I slowly spin out of this and feel better as the new face takes shape. It seems like that is happening but slowly…..
I also want to thank all my friends who have called and wished me well or left messages for me on the computer or e-mail or who have sent me cards and flowers. I have many wonderful friends and a few remnants of my old family who have supported me. There are others in my family I wish would call to wish me well but that is not to happen. Paula has been a wonderful nursemaid, getting ice from the ice machine, changing the dressings and helping me bathe and cooking some of the food as well as going out for some supplies. . She is the most loving person and her love is endless. Paula loves her friends, her family and she loves her girl Melissa and I know I would not have survived this process without her. She not only provided assistance but also her love and comfort. Time will heal the wounds and each day I get a little better. More ice, more rest, more medicine and another visit to the doctor await. Swelling and bruising dissipate and scars fade over time. Soon the world will see the “new” Melissa for the first time….. ..…however, she is the same girl that has always been there ….but now the world will see her more easily and the shell that once covered and hid her for so long was chiseled away at BMC at the hands of Dr. Spiegel and all the wonderful staff there, through the long, slow recovery at Camp 517 and the caring warmth of my love Paula.

Pictured above is me taken by Paula three hours after my long stint on the OR Table ..........thoughts include ..."how many rounds did she go with the champ?"..........."who awoke the mummies?" ............"Did anyone get the license of the semi, truck, train or bus that hit that poor girl?"....

Resolve This!

Normally I would have posted this one last week but was so moved by the impact and significance of MILK and activism in our transgendered community, I delayed this one a week to post my thoughts and feelings on the film MILK. However, the turning of the New Year brings me to a point where I should evaluate my life and make some adjustments for the upcoming year. So here it goes …….my New Year’s resolutions for 2009 and they are not in any particular order but more just as they come to my mind.

1. I resolve to be more active in my community and supporting the movement of greater rights and dignity for those in the LGBT communities. I have been involved in the past but not to the extent I could be by any stretch. I want to be more supportive of the NCTE who works so diligently to promote the rights of transgendered community. I want to get involved with Trans Ohio beyond attending some events and writing an article or two. I would like to help in planning of the Trans Ohio Symposium this August, assist in lobbying legislators in Ohio to change the archaic laws regarding changing the birth certificates and gender marker on them even though I thankfully escaped this mess by being born one mile below the Ohio Rover in Kentucky. I also plan to attend with Paula in April the Transgendered Right Lobby Day sponsored by NCTE in Washington where I will work to lobby US Congressman and Senators to support the Hate Crimes bill, ENDA and other legislation to benefit the LGBT community. I am already in progress of setting up a meeting with my US Congressman (a conservative Republican from rural central Ohio) to try and sell him on this legislation I am sure his narrow mind and religious right wing upbringing will lead him to oppose with vigor. That shall not deter me one bit! I also plan to attend rallies where I can and stand with my sisters and brothers in the struggle for rights and dignity of the LGBT community.

2. I resolve to find a career that I love and that makes me want to spring out of bed each day and head off to work and one that provides some benefits and is more full time than I can do now in my piece meal contract work. I know the next six months will be a time of strive and trials for me as I push through two major operations that will radically alter my body to finally conform to my inner soul as a woman. The surgeries and recoveries will put a test on me as well helping Paula get through hers, but when all is done, I will no longer be trying to find work while needing all this time off for surgeries and recoveries. I can emerge as a stronger woman now focused on finding the position that brings joy as well as challenges for me and a steadier stream of income for sure. I have some talents and education as well as passion and with it will be a renewed vigor for new challenges in a career. Hopefully this year will see a recovery from some of the economic mess the current government regime has led our country into these past eight years. The man will go down as one of the worst Presidents to ever hold the office for sure.

3. I resolve to try to repair my relationships with my family who has tossed me into the wind for sure. Often those of us in the transgendered community are made to feel that we “abandoned our families” when in fact it is them who abandoned us. I can understand some anger and confusion and some time to search things out but being ostracized by our families simply because we came out after years of conflict and raging internal battles and told them who we really are as people is not right at all. I use to some conversation with my ex-wife although it was mostly bitter tirades by her but since the day of our divorce my e-mails have gone without response. I have never been told my children’s e-mail addresses and my written cards and letters go to them without any response. Gifts I send are never acknowledged. I am sometimes at a loss over what to do. I feel as if pieces of my heart have been torn out ….in a span of few short years I lost my father, mother and brother to deaths and my children and ex-wife to being cast aside like the past never happened. I must find a way to let time heal some things but I must find a way to reconnect with them for sure. They will find a different person both physically as well as emotionally and spiritually when they do in Melissa. However, the pieces belong back in my heart without question and we belong in each other’s lives.

4. I resolve to continue my spiritual journey. I have struggled for some time on this issue and now that I am out as transgendered it has become even more complex. I am a very open minded liberal thinking humanist/ Christian blend that seeks a place where friendship and love abounds and no one preaches at you but only makes you think out spirituality and the concepts of the Creator and Creation. I seek a place where all are welcomed even those with grave doubts. I seek a church that actively, openly and lovingly welcomes those of us from the LGBT communities and accepts us for who we are as people without condemning us for being such. Paula and I have begun the search and we have found some success. We were particularly impressed by the those at North Congregational UCC in Columbus which opens its doors freely to us and even has a special large exhibit in their hallway to the transgendered community featuring local and national people in the community and a tribute to those who have been victims of death and violence. I was very touched by this indeed.

5. I resolve to strengthen my love and relationship with Paula. I love waking up to her each day and the time we share together. We support each other and accept each other openly. Sometime this year we plan to celebrate our love in a commitment ceremony we hope to share with our friends. By the middle of the year both of us will have some new body parts that will clearly impact our intimacy and will take great patience and love to explore. She is my life and my love and we grow closer together each day. However, I believe we can never stop growing in our relationship for it to continue and I resolve to become more open to exploring and new ideas and to continue to share our thoughts and feelings and we move forward in our lives together.
Well there it is ….a big chunk of resolutions if I must say but all good ones in my quest to live my life to the fullest and with dignity, love, passion and a commitment to my community I am very much a part of in this life. I hope each of you find some things to strive for in this year and beyond and I wish all the peace and happiness to each of you in 2009 and for the many years to come afterward!

What is Love? (Revisited)

Back in April of this year I wrote a blog entitled “What is Love “about the relationship which developed between myself and my love and partner Paula Katherine Prichard. The relationship was a unique one in that it involved two transgendered people who were going through transition while on the end threads of failed marriages. My now ex-wife I know has had serious uncomfortableness and anger over this relationship despite the fact she knew our marriage was critically flawed and that we had fallen out of love sometime way before I even met Paula. It happened because my ex-wife married a person she fell in love with who was not really the person she thought I was and this concealment and anguish and guilt I suffered for many years boiled over into our marriage when combined with my nature and the intense frustrations of work that nearly buried me. (See previous blog back in August entitled “The Wife was Right”) As Melissa began to emerge more intensely over the last few years, my ex-wife and I drifted apart because she never had any connection to Melissa –only the ugly shell which had covered her and kept her hidden away for far too long!

I first met Paula in May of 2007 at a GNO event and we talked out on the deck of the club for nearly two hours that night. I instantly connected to her as someone I loved talking with and that night we discussed many subjects. I hoped she would become a good friend over time. Paula on the other hand will tell you she fell in love with me that night and that she had no intention of doing so- it just happened. We would see each other now and then at events and would always talk and both of felt we could share anything about our lives and our past with the other without any reservation. We talked online a good deal as well as on the phone and I liked her a lot. She has a big caring heart that is so sweet and sensitive and we many things in common. Our talks included politics, history, our work, our marriages and our struggles as transgendered people. Paula never tipped her hand about falling in love with me that night in May throughout our summer and fall chats online, in person or over the phone. In time Paula became my best friend in the world and I wrote about that in early winter of 2008 entitled “Friendship in a TG World”. Still, despite the fact Paula had been in love with me for nearly eleven months and I loved talking with her every chance I could in the summer of 2007 and fall of 2007 and early on in 2008, and could hare anything with her, I still held out some hope that my ex-wife and I could sustain our marriage even as I transitioned to be who I truly was and always had been – Melissa Marie Alexander. By late in the spring of 2008 I knew I was kidding myself on this point. I knew I needed to transition and live life as Melissa- my true soul and essence but I also knew my marriage was at an end. I knew my wife felt the same way and we were only holding on for the kids- my son who was almost to graduation form high school and my daughter through college. In fact, my wife had already set up a meeting with a lawyer even before the “day of reckoning and full disclosure came in July and the reading my letter to her. We were not going to stay together and that had been evident for some time. The disclosure only brought it all to a head. We had held on as long as we could and I concealed my transition as long as I could and the inevitable separation and divorce was but forgone conclusion. Last week, my ex-wife and I worked out an agreement and I think we can both move forward. Someday, maybe we can even be friends. I hope so. She is a sweet loving and good person and I hope she finds the peace and happiness she deserves- for this year has been living hell on her for sure.

Late this spring Paula and I took our relationship to beyond great friendship – although she remains my best friend in the world even today. I fell in love with my best friend and knew we were meant to be together. We had connected in so many ways including spiritually and emotionally and on a level I did not know even existed. Paula always saw me for who I was – Melissa and this did not matter despite my “appearance”. I still recall the night I looked in her eyes back in April and I saw the depths of her heart and soul. I remember our first kiss vividly. It awakened my soul and spirit like no other kiss ever had – it was sweet and tender and a wonderful feeling came over me that night. Melissa- the person I truly was- had fallen in love and it was so different from the time Russell did with my ex-wife so long ago. I had fallen in love with Paula Katherine Prichard.

Although both mine and Paula’s marriages were done and we were both moving ahead in our transitions, even as the summer began to lead to the “day of reckoning” I still did not believe it was possible that Paula and I could end up together despite our love and so many things in common. Some of this was form logistical standpoints and part of it was from our hanging by thread marriages but mostly it was the belief by many even those in our very community that two transgended people cannot survive in a relationship. However, this is actually a gross misconception. Some transgendered woman who transition are attracted to men and which to consummate a straight relationship with someone form the opposite sex. This is very hard to do since most men will not likely be too cool with finding out that that their love interest use to be a genetic male and God help you if you try to fool them and get caught later. Some horrific things have happened to girls who try this stealth methodology. I have never really had any feelings for men and despite being Melissa and transitioning to live the remainder of my life as a woman – men are not my cup of tea. I always felt feminine but at the same time remain attracted to women. Melissa is a lesbian. Relationships with other genetic woman are possible and I know many of my friends who have these relationships including steady girlfriends and even marriages. I always hope they will prosper. Still some genetic women have some issues with transgendered women even if they are lesbians and the attraction is there partly because they cannot always see us for who we are spiritually and get caught up on what the anatomy that once was there – albeit unwanted on our part.

Therefore a relationship with another lesbian who is transgendered is the answer. Both people are transitioning and will eventually each have the right body parts to match the spirit but unlike other possible relationships transgendered people understand each other like no one else who is not transgendered ever could do so. You can be yourself and be comfortable with each other and heart and soul are connected you can find a relationship like no other ever found. I did so when I met and fell in love with Paula. Our relationship continues to grow and prosper and only 6-7 months after I thought it was not likely, Paula and I live together…growing, transitioning and loving each other so deeply and with such passion and tenderness and warmth and understanding this girl had never seen before. We are getting ready to celebrate our first Christmas together as a couple. Our lives are richer and deeper and we seek no others- we are happy to be together and whatever time we have left we will spend it together. We are soul mates and companions on this journey in life and we are both happy we found each other and support each other during our transitions and beyond! I love Paula Katherine Prichard with my heart and soul and I always will. I still don’t know if I can say with clarity “what is love” exactly but I know that I, as Melissa Marie Alexander, found it in Paula. I often wonder what my life would be like if our paths had not crossed that night we talked for two hours nearly 18 months ago …….I know it would not be as rich or full and filled with strength and love and support that we provide for each other and always will ………………..I wish each of you peace and happiness and much love and joy in your life…

Thanksgiving 2008

Thanksgiving is a delightful holiday and one of my favorites. I respect the concept of giving thanks for all that I have and all that is good in our world and I am one of the many who respect it and do not try to jump to the Christmas season and disregard the importance of the day of gathering of family and friends for feasting and celebration for the joys of life and comforts of family and friends we have made in life! Furthermore, I love hot turkey and gravy and delicious seasoned stuffing and all the delightful fixins such as potatoes and casseroles and of course one of my favorite all time pies- Pumpkin Pie! I usually eat another slice of pie for breakfast the next morning and who doesn’t love Thanksgiving leftovers? I remember so vividly the Thanksgiving days at my grandmother’s as a child filled with so many family members I could never keep them all straight and sometimes the gatherings required three tables. I could smell Grandma’s turkey and stuffing cooking even now!
This year’s Thanksgiving festivities will be vastly different than the last twenty or so for sure. In the past, my wife, daughter and son would travel in on the day before for the holidays and my wife and I would meet friends for drinks and then celebrate Thanksgiving dinner with one of our sets of parents- alternating each year. If we ate dinner at my parents then we would stop in for desert and gathering of the clan for desert at my wife’s mother’s place. My wife’s family is large and I mean very large since she had four siblings and each of them as well as us had two to three children plus some aunts and uncles. Two recent Thanksgivings come to mind for me. The last Thanksgiving I spent with my parents in 2005 shortly before my mother’s death from the dreadful disease which stole her mind and soul! We arrived that day to take my parents out for dinner since my father’s physical health prevented him for doing anything and my mother’s Alzheimer’s had stolen her faculties to prepare the culinary delights she was so famous for and which I try to carry on today. However, when we arrived that day we found them unable to go anywhere and my son and I had to hurry out to the store and find what we could to cook and we all dined together for the last time. My mother died a few months later. In 2006, we returned to dine with my wife’s family but what made this special was the fact that with some help from my son and a few of my brother-in-laws I was able to get my father out if the nursing home and bring him there to dine with my wife’s family. I know he enjoyed that so much and I did too for later that next spring he died and just before Christmas after the Thanksgiving in 2006 year my only brother was killed in an accident. Telling my father at Christmas was one of the toughest things I have ever done in my entire life. I felt like I had reached in and tore out a piece of his heart! In 2007, we again celebrated Thanksgiving with my wife’s family as I had none left but, by late November of 2007, I knew that would likely be the last one I would ever celebrate with my wife, children and her family as I was barely holding on for the sake of my children from emerging fully as Melissa and living the life I was meant to live as a women and fully out transgendered person I truly believe I was suppose to lead. This year’s Thanksgiving is vastly different than the ones from recent past. I am no longer welcome at my mother-in-laws and expectedly so. My wife and I are now entangled in a angry, bitter divorce that seems to get worse by the day and she is embarrassed of me and by me. My daughter, despite her education and training in psychology and cultural liberalism and open-mindedness and maturity has abandoned me to support her mother as if one has to choose sides and my son has not spoken to me since July. Thanksgiving 2008 is the most different Thanksgiving I will ever experience. I have Paula of course and for that I am most grateful and, if she was the only one I had to celebrate this day with along with others in the LGBT community at the Thanksgiving Day celebration at the LGBT community center for those who do not have families to go to I would be also joyful!! For the community is my family! I would also give thankful for and I would be happy for Paula is my life and I am so thankful we found each other and will live our lives together celebrating many wonderful holidays.
However, this year my sister in- law (brother’s wife) and my niece and her fiancé and my nephew and his new wife have invited me as well as Paula who has also lost the ability to dine with her mother and father and children and such at the request of those family members, to come and spend the holiday with them. I will admit I am a bit nervous for this will be the first time any of them has seen me as Melissa-my true essence and spirit and will also be introducing them to my soul mate Paula. I worry about things not going as well since they are all the family I have left now. Part of the problem is that my brother and I were not very close because of our ages (14 years apart) and my time with them has been very limited –yet they were the only ones to reach out and accept me as Melissa and support me and now they have invited me as well as my love Paula to come and be with them for this holiday. If all goes well however, then clearly 2008 will go down on my list as one of my favorite Thanksgivings ever along with the ones I discussed above. Well here’s to hoping it does and that all of you in out there in our community have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with family and joy even if that family is defined solely by members of our community –for that is a wonderful family to have indeed and one to give thanks for as you gorge yourself on the feast! Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and I wish you all the peace and joy in the world! Hugs, Melissa
Pictured above is me with my good friend Joann for whom I am also thankful!