Life in Transistion

Life is transitional. I am in transition as a transgendered person living life as the woman I always have been but for the wrong equipment at birth. Even our new government is in transition with the inauguration of Barak Obama as our 44th President of the United States. Finally, my face is in transition following the assault on my face in Boston (see previous blog) as part of my FFS procedures performed about two weeks ago and its slow recovery. I read the other day where a poll taken after Barak’s first week in office revealed a 92% approval rating. Of course, I am wondering why a poll need to be taken on the approval rating of a President who has been barely able to have his furniture put in his new home or a cabinet meeting where all the cabinet members are actually present as some have not even been confirmed. As I viewed the poll, I often wonder why 8% of the population already has a negative rating of a man who has barely gotten use to his new digs or his role in office. Are these the same 8% of the people that actually believed George Bush was doing a great job despite the disaster in our economy, the 7 years of war in Iraq, and his insistence on violating or denying rights of people like me or others in the LGBT community. Maybe so- but maybe these same people are the same ones who want instant gratification on everything and expected these massive issues to be resolved within 24 hours of Mr. Obama taking occupancy in the White House. They believe in instant gratification or satisfaction of the first sip of beer or wine or when they play a game or do an activity for the first time. If does not arrive in minutes, the gratification can never occur for them despite how much they paid for the food, drink, activity, appliance or game. These people want it yesterday and patience is not one of their virtues for sure.

When one is in transition as a transgendered person, the same principles apply. Transition involves so many different aspects. Counseling, hormones, laser or electrolysis, hormone therapy as well as surgeries, name changes and simply learning to live in a manner completely contrary to the indoctrination given to the transgendered person because the anatomy we were born with although as we find out- unwontedly! I truly learn new things everyday and I doubt that is going to stop at all after I finish my surgeries and my anatomy finally comes in sync with my soul and spirit. One must welcome the new concepts and give them time to sink in and become functional for themselves just as this country needs to give its new leader a time to learn and work up solutions with a new direction for this country. A transgendered person cannot ever think that he or she has arrived merely because they undergo treatment and surgeries and hormones. A MtoF TS does not wake up the day after GRS and become a woman…..they- like me have been one all their life but faced it with the wrong upbringing and anatomy and it takes time to adapt to new parts and new ideas that will follow them for many, many years. Being in transition is a life-long process and requires one to keep an open mind and adapt and learn …it is growth…it requires patience….it is a never-ending process for a transgendered person and even all people in general.

Having recently undergone my facial feminization surgery I have found my face and head in great transition. Many times when someone undergoes this process they expect to wakeup or over the week post –op to see radical changes to their face and the perfect feminine face smiling back at them when they look in the mirror. I will admit that a few hours last week I expected the same and when I did not see it, I began to get down on myself and my partner Paula. In reality, the changes that take place in one’s face after this radical and complicated procedure occur over a long, slow process requiring one to be patient and adapt as things physically move forward in transition of one’s face. Experts will tell you that it is almost a year before the changes come pretty close to complete and even then there are still minute ones that occur. I radically altered six parts of my face and head to appear more feminine and the parts need to settle and adapt and transition. There will be further changes everyday and each week of the next year or so as things shape into form and place. In a sense, my face is in transition very much like my body, my mind, my attitude and even like our new President.
I could take a poll on my new face and I think it would most likely receive a negative rating –probably with me even voting that way as well. However, I have not given it a fair chance…there will many settlements and changes and nuances to come as my face lives in transition just like me and just like my life and my government and society in general. Life is transition and transition is life and in order to adapt to the changes, one must have patience, persistence, adaptability, perseverance, courage and a willingness to adapt, grow and think outside pre-established boxes.


Now for an update ………….first Paula kicked my bottom from one end of the hotel room to the other in our marathon game of gin rummy during my recovery winning by over five hundred points. She is a card shark for sure. I am sending her to Vegas to win the money for our remaining surgeries.

I finally got to take a complete hot shower for the first time since January 22nd on Sunday February 1st. I had been doing some baths and partial showers but because of the head wrap and stitches real, full showers with shampoo and conditioner had to wait till then and my ole my did it ever feel so very good! Sometime simple pleasures can be a true joy when you have not been able to enjoy them for a while that is for sure!

The last couple days in Boston we went out site seeing and taking in sites such as Faneuil Hall, the old North Church, USS Constitution, Bunker Hill, Boston Commons, Lexington and Concord and Salem. I ate my first real substantial meal out on Saturday January 31st at the Union Oyster House- the oldest restaurant in America. The sites are great but I also had forgotten about the attitude of Northeasterners since I had not been here in so long. The people are generally rude and pushy and very impatient. They cannot wait for anything and cut you off driving in heartbeat or even if you are standing in line. They lack many common courtesies. It’s a definite rudeness that purveys their nature that is not found in Midwest, the South or the West coast for sure. I am not sure why this is to be honest but Paula picked up on it right away too and it was her first time in the NE.

The picture taken above is NOT one of me taken after the surgery…that will come in a week or so and maybe by next blog……remember it’s a work in transition as I am still swollen and bruised in places. The picture above is one of Paula and I taken at my last decent meal the night before my surgery at a restaurant entitled Houston’s in Boston. Food after that point until we went out the last couple nights consisted mainly of chopped meat, applesauce, pudding, broths and soups and soft noodles.

FFS, the Long Dark Night and Life at Camp 517

Well its Day Five of the Camp 517 here in cold and snowy Boston –like that matters since I have only been outside the base camp for the ten minute trip to transfer to the camp from Boston Medical Center where I underwent FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) on Thursday January 22nd. It is a procedure that will dramatically change my life- maybe more so than my upcoming GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) in May of this year. The latter will enable me to change the gender marker on such documents as my birth certificate, driver’s license and passport but what I went through last week changes the way I look as well as how others in society will view me. As long as my voice work continues no longer can I be made by those in society simply because my forehead or brows appear to be masculine for they have been redefined through the outstanding skills of Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel to be exceedingly feminine. While the GRS is very important in changing one’s gender to match your inner soul, in reality no one but a few people will ever see my genitalia however tons of people will see my face in public every single day interacting with the world for the remainder of my life.
As a result of the complicated surgery performed the forehead is now smooth and flat through grinding and contouring and packing and plastering and the brows are raised to accentuate my baby blues. My nose was redefined by the surgeon to fit the new forehead and brow, made smaller and turned up at the end a bit to flare the nostrils upward. Dr. Spiegel was happy with all the work but he was particularly pleased with his touches to the nose. At this point it is still hard to tell since it wrapped and shielded. It is the one piece of work I have not fully seen since it is shielded for a few more days. My lips are fuller and turned up toward the nose and my jaw line and neck are smoother and narrower and make my chin more defined and more contoured to that of a woman. Some of this has been difficult to see because of swelling but that will resolve in a couple more weeks. In time, I will be presentable but in months when things really settle down I will see the full effects of the work. Regardless, I will look different than I ever have and not as easily mistaken for the wrong gender anymore. There is no going back now and I did not want to. Despite the extensive pain and aftercare I would need I was so very calm as I walked into that hospital that Thursday morning – as calm as I had ever been for about to something as dramatic as I was about to do considering its consequences-both short and long term on my life. I had been at peace with this decision for months. I have found peace with myself and my life as who I truly am as a person…Melissa. Now I will look far more like the person I always saw myself as but hid away from so many for so long. If there were any of the old “shell fragments left they got clobbered by ball bats for sure. I had never been under anesthesia before in my life so I had no idea what to expect. I laid there in Preparation room as the IV was started and talked with nurse and two med students who were observing. They were curious about transgendered people and wanted to know more and neither had seen this surgery before. We had a wonderful chat about being transgendered, FFS, GRS and all kinds of issues. I remember answering some questions raised by the anesthesiologist and going over final plans with Dr. Spiegel and giving thumbs up after removing my contacts. I never remember even seeing the hallway to the operating room much less the operating room itself or counting or anything..…one minute its 7:45 am and the next I am back in recovery on same bed and its 3:30 PM although I did dream briefly about rainbow colors…..the next thing I know I am being awaked by the voice of the nurse …..”Melissa” ……
The “night of living hell” that followed is a night I shall always remember for as long as I live. That night was the period of time following my surgery and “awaking for the first time in recovering room lying on back with my head wrapped in bandages and a device that felt like my head had been placed in a tight vice. I could see a slit of white light from right eye and nothing from my left. Sounds around me included machines and nurses talking to others and doctors mumbling. My head hurt so much and drugs still dripped in my body. I was finally taken to my patient room and reunited with Paula and the dreadful, long, dreary night began. I would not have made it through that night BUT for the love and patience of my sweet Paula. My sweet, tender girl got me through that dreadfully long night! I slept maybe two hours that night between 4:30 PM and 6:30 AM- the point at which they finally came in to change the bandages. Paula said I fell right to sleep after the removed the binder and changed the dressing for a few more hours. How could I sleep? Wrapped so tightly I felt I would choke on the blood that dripped into my throat and made me gag and the binding so tight it made it hard to even swallow. With my mouth so dry and lips so swollen I could not suck fluids and pouring in anything in while I lay down caused me to spit it up and choke. Tears streamed down my battered face. I could not breathe due to the swelling and clogging of my restructured nose.
I only survived by Paula distracting me with talk, spooning me ice chips into my parched mouth, holding my hand and rubbing my feet with massages. I knew if I could just hold on until 6:30 AM in morning the staff would come and take off the extremely tighter binder. But13-14 hours was a long, dark and painful time. The minutes passed so slowly and I was lost in darkness. I begged for it to be 6:30 AM. It was the longest night of my life for sure. However, Paula’s love and devotion for me saved me that night and in the morning I felt so much better when they removed the restrictive binding I actually ate a good breakfast after dozing back to sleep for a while – a soft one for sure but a good one with eggs, applesauce juice and milk. I had survived the roughest night and each day thereafter was to get a little better. Paula helped get me ready after another round of food at lunch which including cream of chicken soup and pudding. Delicacies for sure !! Now, it was time to head to base camp…otherwise known as “Camp 517” for recovery. I named it in honor of our room number.
The recovery has been difficult though as I have not left the confines of “Camp 517” as I have affectionately renamed the fortress Paula and I have built here in our hotel suite nearby the hospital. I feel like some criminals on the run hiding out and holing up in some room somewhere to escape the search of law enforcement officials. Paula and I have built base camp here. We have food and water and our supplies seem to be holding up well. I have a vaporizer going 24/7 which keeps my passages open and after a few days I stop spitting up blood. By day three following the surgery I was even back to drinking my java which helped get me “regular” again along with some pills. One of the “great” side effects of anesthesia is that it produces a bit of clogging of the old pipes and I was under the stuff for about seven hours of work on the operating table. Food is cooked as needed as my hours have been irregular for sure as I slipped in and out of drug induced comas all through the days and nights sometimes sleeping at 2:00PM and wide awake at 3:30 AM. We occupy our time by reading books, magazines and playing cards (Paula and I have the longest running Gin Rummy game going in history) We watch TV or we catch up a bit on the computer or listen to music. I live a life this week of regular icings, soft foods, struggling with stitches in places you usually don’t find them, applying creams and lotions and resting. My schedule is so out of whack I am usually up by 3:30 in morning each night and walking around in my wrapped bruised and swollen head I look like I am in the walk of the zombies from some cheap horror B-movie. I hope each day I slowly spin out of this and feel better as the new face takes shape. It seems like that is happening but slowly…..
I also want to thank all my friends who have called and wished me well or left messages for me on the computer or e-mail or who have sent me cards and flowers. I have many wonderful friends and a few remnants of my old family who have supported me. There are others in my family I wish would call to wish me well but that is not to happen. Paula has been a wonderful nursemaid, getting ice from the ice machine, changing the dressings and helping me bathe and cooking some of the food as well as going out for some supplies. . She is the most loving person and her love is endless. Paula loves her friends, her family and she loves her girl Melissa and I know I would not have survived this process without her. She not only provided assistance but also her love and comfort. Time will heal the wounds and each day I get a little better. More ice, more rest, more medicine and another visit to the doctor await. Swelling and bruising dissipate and scars fade over time. Soon the world will see the “new” Melissa for the first time….. ..…however, she is the same girl that has always been there ….but now the world will see her more easily and the shell that once covered and hid her for so long was chiseled away at BMC at the hands of Dr. Spiegel and all the wonderful staff there, through the long, slow recovery at Camp 517 and the caring warmth of my love Paula.

Pictured above is me taken by Paula three hours after my long stint on the OR Table ..........thoughts include ..."how many rounds did she go with the champ?"..........."who awoke the mummies?" ............"Did anyone get the license of the semi, truck, train or bus that hit that poor girl?"....

Chiseling Stone(head)

Have you ever watched an artist take a block of stone and with chisels and hammers he or she is able to carve out a life–like face such as a bust of some President or other famous person? Out of this piece of this stone, the talented artist is able to create something of significance and grace to be viewed by the public. As I sit here in Boston and a couple days away from the FFS procedure that will radically alter my look and make my hard stone-like face into something that is a bit more presentable of a person who now lives their life happily as a woman, I am drawn to think of this analogy. The image of the stone is most appropriate for this lady for many reasons.

When I was back in my college days, which were probably my greatest period of repression of my inner essence and soul in my entire lifetime, I joined a fraternity like many young college males of that period. Fraternities were in a great revival period then following the release of “Animal House” that summer and one nearly got sick of the constant call for Toga parties. Let’s face it, all one needed was plenty of beer and alcohol (bring on the “Purple Jesus”-as the name implies the theory was that if you drank enough of it you would see Jesus) and some bed sheets and plenty of eight tracks (yes I know I am dating myself there) and you had a ready made party! The tradition in the fraternity was that many times you ended up with a nickname just as many of the characters in the movie did like Otter or Pluto. I was one of those fortunate souls who ended up with up one and I did not realize then it would be most appropriate today on the eve of my facial reconstruction. My fraternity nickname was “Stonehead”.

The name fit for many reasons. First, I was bit on the ‘stubborn side” as they say due to my family heritage. (Let’s face it- the Scotch and Germans are not known for their flexibility and a combination of both was indeed a fiery mixture for this young “lad”). Secondly, I was also know for my certain partaking of a substance that resembles oregano and came in baggies and was rolled or stuffed into a pipe. I think you get the drift here. I truly believe that my excessive drinking and partaking of substances during these years was the result of me drowning out the deep dark secret inside of me but that is another story. Finally, the name was also found appropriate one Sunday afternoon during our college fraternity’s intramural football game against our rival. I played middle linebacker on the team and my friend who had been given the name Bonehead played defensive tackle. Again, the rough and tough tumble of the game and the beer drinking that followed it for four years did wonders for covering up my deep dark secret that I hid from the world. On one play, Bonehead and I decided we were going to stick it to the runner from the rival team and we converged on him with full force and vigor. However, he eluded us at the last moment and instead Bonehead and I collided into each other head on and we knocked each other out cold on the field, Hence, the nickname was born in my Freshman year……Stonehead.

Well Stonehead is about to get chiseled by an artist of great skill and stature. Dr. Spiegel is one of the very few in this hemisphere who has perfected an FFS technique that gives femininity to a face especially in the area of contouring of the forehead and brow and my ugly mug is one that cries out for it for sure. I am sure much time will be spent on this area of Stonehead’s reconstruction trying to establish a feminine flow to area that now more closely resembles the young linebacker than the middle aged lady for sure. He plans to bring out my eyes which are one of the few nice features on my face. The extensive work on the brow and forehead also necessitates the reworking of my nose to fit my new brow and forehead. The work on the lower part of the face is not quite as extensive although the lipo on the neck and the mandible jaw contouring are some of the more difficult and painful procedures in this process. The final work will be augmenting and lifting my lips to give them a more feminine look.

All of this extensive work will be done while I am under anesthesia for the first time in my life. I was told I will drift off into sleep and it will seem like that I barely remember closing my eyes and drifting into lala land when I will find myself awaking in the recovery room looking more closely like Frankenstein’s monster than Melissa. For days I will drift in and out of sleep and crying out in a weak pathetic voice that my “nurse maid” Paula either get me more drugs or shoot me- based primarily I guess on whether the gun or the painkillers are closer for her! I will be bruised, swollen, battered, discolored, patched with stitches, wrapped and bound and withering in pain. I know I will test my love’s patience and let’s hope she forgets to pack any gun! Hopefully, some days later, things will calm down some and I will not look quite as bad and more like someone recovering from an attack with a Louisville Slugger than monster. In time, the stitches will be removed and through applications of creams and jells and much ice, I will be able to walk around in public and not scare people. Maybe a few weeks more and with some makeup I will take the form of average middle aged lady instead of Stonehead!

About the time I really getting it to look half way presentable it will be time to start preparing for another trip to another artist surgeon to reconstruct the other end of my body to conform with my inner soul and true essence as a female. Just as I get handle on this process and recovery it will be time for the finishing touch in augmenting my breasts to fit my body and the process completed physically. The spirit and the body will be one-but my journey will just begin again! I knew that the first six to seven months of the year would be a great physical challenge to me and I have been preparing my body for the same. The second half of the year and life beyond as Melissa will be as equaling challenging for me-but from a mental standpoint. I sometimes wonder and I think I am convinced that this test will be even more difficult than the physical changes to occur in the months ahead. I have some time to contemplate such in these recoveries and that is for sure. Get the chisels ready doctor ……….…Stonehead is about to arrive on your operating table and you have your work cut out for sure on this project! I will most definitely test your artistic abilities!!!