Life in Transistion

Life is transitional. I am in transition as a transgendered person living life as the woman I always have been but for the wrong equipment at birth. Even our new government is in transition with the inauguration of Barak Obama as our 44th President of the United States. Finally, my face is in transition following the assault on my face in Boston (see previous blog) as part of my FFS procedures performed about two weeks ago and its slow recovery. I read the other day where a poll taken after Barak’s first week in office revealed a 92% approval rating. Of course, I am wondering why a poll need to be taken on the approval rating of a President who has been barely able to have his furniture put in his new home or a cabinet meeting where all the cabinet members are actually present as some have not even been confirmed. As I viewed the poll, I often wonder why 8% of the population already has a negative rating of a man who has barely gotten use to his new digs or his role in office. Are these the same 8% of the people that actually believed George Bush was doing a great job despite the disaster in our economy, the 7 years of war in Iraq, and his insistence on violating or denying rights of people like me or others in the LGBT community. Maybe so- but maybe these same people are the same ones who want instant gratification on everything and expected these massive issues to be resolved within 24 hours of Mr. Obama taking occupancy in the White House. They believe in instant gratification or satisfaction of the first sip of beer or wine or when they play a game or do an activity for the first time. If does not arrive in minutes, the gratification can never occur for them despite how much they paid for the food, drink, activity, appliance or game. These people want it yesterday and patience is not one of their virtues for sure.

When one is in transition as a transgendered person, the same principles apply. Transition involves so many different aspects. Counseling, hormones, laser or electrolysis, hormone therapy as well as surgeries, name changes and simply learning to live in a manner completely contrary to the indoctrination given to the transgendered person because the anatomy we were born with although as we find out- unwontedly! I truly learn new things everyday and I doubt that is going to stop at all after I finish my surgeries and my anatomy finally comes in sync with my soul and spirit. One must welcome the new concepts and give them time to sink in and become functional for themselves just as this country needs to give its new leader a time to learn and work up solutions with a new direction for this country. A transgendered person cannot ever think that he or she has arrived merely because they undergo treatment and surgeries and hormones. A MtoF TS does not wake up the day after GRS and become a woman…..they- like me have been one all their life but faced it with the wrong upbringing and anatomy and it takes time to adapt to new parts and new ideas that will follow them for many, many years. Being in transition is a life-long process and requires one to keep an open mind and adapt and learn …it is growth…it requires patience….it is a never-ending process for a transgendered person and even all people in general.

Having recently undergone my facial feminization surgery I have found my face and head in great transition. Many times when someone undergoes this process they expect to wakeup or over the week post –op to see radical changes to their face and the perfect feminine face smiling back at them when they look in the mirror. I will admit that a few hours last week I expected the same and when I did not see it, I began to get down on myself and my partner Paula. In reality, the changes that take place in one’s face after this radical and complicated procedure occur over a long, slow process requiring one to be patient and adapt as things physically move forward in transition of one’s face. Experts will tell you that it is almost a year before the changes come pretty close to complete and even then there are still minute ones that occur. I radically altered six parts of my face and head to appear more feminine and the parts need to settle and adapt and transition. There will be further changes everyday and each week of the next year or so as things shape into form and place. In a sense, my face is in transition very much like my body, my mind, my attitude and even like our new President.
I could take a poll on my new face and I think it would most likely receive a negative rating –probably with me even voting that way as well. However, I have not given it a fair chance…there will many settlements and changes and nuances to come as my face lives in transition just like me and just like my life and my government and society in general. Life is transition and transition is life and in order to adapt to the changes, one must have patience, persistence, adaptability, perseverance, courage and a willingness to adapt, grow and think outside pre-established boxes.


Now for an update ………….first Paula kicked my bottom from one end of the hotel room to the other in our marathon game of gin rummy during my recovery winning by over five hundred points. She is a card shark for sure. I am sending her to Vegas to win the money for our remaining surgeries.

I finally got to take a complete hot shower for the first time since January 22nd on Sunday February 1st. I had been doing some baths and partial showers but because of the head wrap and stitches real, full showers with shampoo and conditioner had to wait till then and my ole my did it ever feel so very good! Sometime simple pleasures can be a true joy when you have not been able to enjoy them for a while that is for sure!

The last couple days in Boston we went out site seeing and taking in sites such as Faneuil Hall, the old North Church, USS Constitution, Bunker Hill, Boston Commons, Lexington and Concord and Salem. I ate my first real substantial meal out on Saturday January 31st at the Union Oyster House- the oldest restaurant in America. The sites are great but I also had forgotten about the attitude of Northeasterners since I had not been here in so long. The people are generally rude and pushy and very impatient. They cannot wait for anything and cut you off driving in heartbeat or even if you are standing in line. They lack many common courtesies. It’s a definite rudeness that purveys their nature that is not found in Midwest, the South or the West coast for sure. I am not sure why this is to be honest but Paula picked up on it right away too and it was her first time in the NE.

The picture taken above is NOT one of me taken after the surgery…that will come in a week or so and maybe by next blog……remember it’s a work in transition as I am still swollen and bruised in places. The picture above is one of Paula and I taken at my last decent meal the night before my surgery at a restaurant entitled Houston’s in Boston. Food after that point until we went out the last couple nights consisted mainly of chopped meat, applesauce, pudding, broths and soups and soft noodles.

Chiseling Stone(head)

Have you ever watched an artist take a block of stone and with chisels and hammers he or she is able to carve out a life–like face such as a bust of some President or other famous person? Out of this piece of this stone, the talented artist is able to create something of significance and grace to be viewed by the public. As I sit here in Boston and a couple days away from the FFS procedure that will radically alter my look and make my hard stone-like face into something that is a bit more presentable of a person who now lives their life happily as a woman, I am drawn to think of this analogy. The image of the stone is most appropriate for this lady for many reasons.

When I was back in my college days, which were probably my greatest period of repression of my inner essence and soul in my entire lifetime, I joined a fraternity like many young college males of that period. Fraternities were in a great revival period then following the release of “Animal House” that summer and one nearly got sick of the constant call for Toga parties. Let’s face it, all one needed was plenty of beer and alcohol (bring on the “Purple Jesus”-as the name implies the theory was that if you drank enough of it you would see Jesus) and some bed sheets and plenty of eight tracks (yes I know I am dating myself there) and you had a ready made party! The tradition in the fraternity was that many times you ended up with a nickname just as many of the characters in the movie did like Otter or Pluto. I was one of those fortunate souls who ended up with up one and I did not realize then it would be most appropriate today on the eve of my facial reconstruction. My fraternity nickname was “Stonehead”.

The name fit for many reasons. First, I was bit on the ‘stubborn side” as they say due to my family heritage. (Let’s face it- the Scotch and Germans are not known for their flexibility and a combination of both was indeed a fiery mixture for this young “lad”). Secondly, I was also know for my certain partaking of a substance that resembles oregano and came in baggies and was rolled or stuffed into a pipe. I think you get the drift here. I truly believe that my excessive drinking and partaking of substances during these years was the result of me drowning out the deep dark secret inside of me but that is another story. Finally, the name was also found appropriate one Sunday afternoon during our college fraternity’s intramural football game against our rival. I played middle linebacker on the team and my friend who had been given the name Bonehead played defensive tackle. Again, the rough and tough tumble of the game and the beer drinking that followed it for four years did wonders for covering up my deep dark secret that I hid from the world. On one play, Bonehead and I decided we were going to stick it to the runner from the rival team and we converged on him with full force and vigor. However, he eluded us at the last moment and instead Bonehead and I collided into each other head on and we knocked each other out cold on the field, Hence, the nickname was born in my Freshman year……Stonehead.

Well Stonehead is about to get chiseled by an artist of great skill and stature. Dr. Spiegel is one of the very few in this hemisphere who has perfected an FFS technique that gives femininity to a face especially in the area of contouring of the forehead and brow and my ugly mug is one that cries out for it for sure. I am sure much time will be spent on this area of Stonehead’s reconstruction trying to establish a feminine flow to area that now more closely resembles the young linebacker than the middle aged lady for sure. He plans to bring out my eyes which are one of the few nice features on my face. The extensive work on the brow and forehead also necessitates the reworking of my nose to fit my new brow and forehead. The work on the lower part of the face is not quite as extensive although the lipo on the neck and the mandible jaw contouring are some of the more difficult and painful procedures in this process. The final work will be augmenting and lifting my lips to give them a more feminine look.

All of this extensive work will be done while I am under anesthesia for the first time in my life. I was told I will drift off into sleep and it will seem like that I barely remember closing my eyes and drifting into lala land when I will find myself awaking in the recovery room looking more closely like Frankenstein’s monster than Melissa. For days I will drift in and out of sleep and crying out in a weak pathetic voice that my “nurse maid” Paula either get me more drugs or shoot me- based primarily I guess on whether the gun or the painkillers are closer for her! I will be bruised, swollen, battered, discolored, patched with stitches, wrapped and bound and withering in pain. I know I will test my love’s patience and let’s hope she forgets to pack any gun! Hopefully, some days later, things will calm down some and I will not look quite as bad and more like someone recovering from an attack with a Louisville Slugger than monster. In time, the stitches will be removed and through applications of creams and jells and much ice, I will be able to walk around in public and not scare people. Maybe a few weeks more and with some makeup I will take the form of average middle aged lady instead of Stonehead!

About the time I really getting it to look half way presentable it will be time to start preparing for another trip to another artist surgeon to reconstruct the other end of my body to conform with my inner soul and true essence as a female. Just as I get handle on this process and recovery it will be time for the finishing touch in augmenting my breasts to fit my body and the process completed physically. The spirit and the body will be one-but my journey will just begin again! I knew that the first six to seven months of the year would be a great physical challenge to me and I have been preparing my body for the same. The second half of the year and life beyond as Melissa will be as equaling challenging for me-but from a mental standpoint. I sometimes wonder and I think I am convinced that this test will be even more difficult than the physical changes to occur in the months ahead. I have some time to contemplate such in these recoveries and that is for sure. Get the chisels ready doctor ……….…Stonehead is about to arrive on your operating table and you have your work cut out for sure on this project! I will most definitely test your artistic abilities!!!