The "L" Word

Shooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhh……….…….Say the letter softly when you are transgendered woman- even if the letter applies to you. You know what letter I am talking about ……………….the infamous “L” word. For you see, I am a part of that community as well even if the other genetic born members of the community don’t always see it that way. Too often when those of us in the transgendered community speak to people about who we are and our life we get many questions focused not on our gender identity issues but wrapped up in our sexuality. Most of us try to explain that one’s gender identity and one’s sexuality are separate and distinct subjects and the mere fact that one is transgendered does not define whether they will be straight, bi, gay or part of the “L” community. Gender identity is just that – how one self identifies themselves as to their gender even if vastly different than the physical parts provided at birth based on the inner soul and essence of being. I always identified as female. I transitioned my outer appearance and body through, presentation, hormones, laser, electro and three surgical procedures to get it to fit my inner self and present myself as the woman I always knew I was in my heart, soul and mind. Sexual orientation is a separate entity based on who I am attracted to as woman.

So as a woman in my heart, soul and mind and now my body to match it, my attraction sexually has been to other women. Even when I lived the other life inside the shell I always imaged myself as a woman making love and intimate with other woman. To me, nothing can come close to the touch, passion and intimacy that is experienced in being with another woman- even if I am one myself. However, that makes me part of the “L” word. I am now involved in a loving beautiful and committed relationship with my partner Paula who like me is also woman and a transwoman. She always felt inside her misfit body that she was a woman in heart mind and soul and she has spent her time transitioning her body to fit this essence as well much in the same manner as I did over the years. When we met and began our friendship which blossomed over a year or so into a wonderful romance we always saw the other for whom we really were and the shells as merely work in progress. Our love for each other blossomed and grew and we helped each other through the last parts of the physical transitional process. We are committed to each other and although we have our disagreements from time to time like any couple does we work through them as two women who care and love each other. Next month we will celebrate our love in a union/ commitment ceremony at our church with our wonderful friends. Two women in love with each other and wanting to be together as partners in this life together makes us part of the “L” community as it should be.

However, both of us have encountered some “less than understanding” members of the “L” word who have looked down upon us and even a few that have been outright hostile to us and clearly do not see us as members of the “L” community- although I am not always sure where they see us as being. We have developed many friends who are part of the “L” community and many of whom are helping us celebrate our wedding and many of whom I could not imagine my life without them being a part of it. I know many who were curious about Paula and I and our life as transgendered woman and our love for each other as women. We always have been open with anyone who asks about it. We have shared our stories, our transition and our surgeries with many in the “L” as we believe that only by sharing and discussing it with others can growth and understanding take place. We have also shared with many of our sisters our love for each other and at least in our assessment our feelings about being part of the “L’ word.

I am sure that many in the “L” scene long ago believed that you are “born woman” and being part of the “L” community meant that you must be a genetic born woman which left many of us in the transgendered community scratching our head sometimes. As we see it, we were “born woman” but somebody put the wrong body parts on us as if playing a sick and cruel joke on us which we struggle with, deal with and finally come to grips with in our transitions to adjust this mix up at the beginning. Many in the “L” community have long since left that old way of thinking anyway and have themselves grown and many are our friends today who have enriched our lives so very deeply!

However, there are some old school thinkers still among the “L” scene. The Ohio “L” Festival welcomes all womym including those who are transgendered. So does the Women’s Music Festival (Wimfest) and we find that so refreshing and enlightened. In contrast in Michigan for example, at the woman’s music festival, transgendered woman are not welcome at all. Right here in Columbus there is a group known as the Lavender Sisters which even ironically meets at our church each month which is a group in the “L” community which does not accept those of us unfortunate enough to be born with the wrong body parts despite the inner essence of who we are as woman. With these groups and other hardliners in the “L” word it is as if judgment is to be made on genetics or physical things instead of the soul and spirit and heart of the person. Should we judge someone with a birth defect on their body as not being worthwhile and look past their soul, their spirit and value as a being because of this? Of course not, but we sometimes do and it does not make it right.

This weekend Paula and I will venture to the Ohio festival where we will be exhibiting on behalf of TransOhio and conducting workshop about our lives, our transitions and our love for each other as two women and the belief in our view at least that we are part of the “L” community. We will welcome and address any and all questions as part of a dialog and exchange that we hope will further help those sisters in the “L” community understand more about transgendered women and our lives together as two women who love each other and explaining why we believe that we are part of the “L” word and hoping that our presence and sharing may open the hearts and minds of a few of our sisters about us and our presence in this “L” community. We look forward to being at the festival and meeting our sisters and experiencing a festival that celebrates womanhood!

Thanks to all our wonderful friends who have grown with us in this belief and thanks to those who have asked and shared and accepted us as part of the “L” community” and to those of you who have not yet done so, we ask that you keep the possibility open and engage us in discussion about it and hopefully with an open mind. Maybe sometime down the road we can work some things out and reach a meeting of the minds. In the meantime, Paula and I will enjoy being part of the “L” word ……. But we will just keep “L” hushed for now.

What is Love? (Revisited)

Back in April of this year I wrote a blog entitled “What is Love “about the relationship which developed between myself and my love and partner Paula Katherine Prichard. The relationship was a unique one in that it involved two transgendered people who were going through transition while on the end threads of failed marriages. My now ex-wife I know has had serious uncomfortableness and anger over this relationship despite the fact she knew our marriage was critically flawed and that we had fallen out of love sometime way before I even met Paula. It happened because my ex-wife married a person she fell in love with who was not really the person she thought I was and this concealment and anguish and guilt I suffered for many years boiled over into our marriage when combined with my nature and the intense frustrations of work that nearly buried me. (See previous blog back in August entitled “The Wife was Right”) As Melissa began to emerge more intensely over the last few years, my ex-wife and I drifted apart because she never had any connection to Melissa –only the ugly shell which had covered her and kept her hidden away for far too long!

I first met Paula in May of 2007 at a GNO event and we talked out on the deck of the club for nearly two hours that night. I instantly connected to her as someone I loved talking with and that night we discussed many subjects. I hoped she would become a good friend over time. Paula on the other hand will tell you she fell in love with me that night and that she had no intention of doing so- it just happened. We would see each other now and then at events and would always talk and both of felt we could share anything about our lives and our past with the other without any reservation. We talked online a good deal as well as on the phone and I liked her a lot. She has a big caring heart that is so sweet and sensitive and we many things in common. Our talks included politics, history, our work, our marriages and our struggles as transgendered people. Paula never tipped her hand about falling in love with me that night in May throughout our summer and fall chats online, in person or over the phone. In time Paula became my best friend in the world and I wrote about that in early winter of 2008 entitled “Friendship in a TG World”. Still, despite the fact Paula had been in love with me for nearly eleven months and I loved talking with her every chance I could in the summer of 2007 and fall of 2007 and early on in 2008, and could hare anything with her, I still held out some hope that my ex-wife and I could sustain our marriage even as I transitioned to be who I truly was and always had been – Melissa Marie Alexander. By late in the spring of 2008 I knew I was kidding myself on this point. I knew I needed to transition and live life as Melissa- my true soul and essence but I also knew my marriage was at an end. I knew my wife felt the same way and we were only holding on for the kids- my son who was almost to graduation form high school and my daughter through college. In fact, my wife had already set up a meeting with a lawyer even before the “day of reckoning and full disclosure came in July and the reading my letter to her. We were not going to stay together and that had been evident for some time. The disclosure only brought it all to a head. We had held on as long as we could and I concealed my transition as long as I could and the inevitable separation and divorce was but forgone conclusion. Last week, my ex-wife and I worked out an agreement and I think we can both move forward. Someday, maybe we can even be friends. I hope so. She is a sweet loving and good person and I hope she finds the peace and happiness she deserves- for this year has been living hell on her for sure.

Late this spring Paula and I took our relationship to beyond great friendship – although she remains my best friend in the world even today. I fell in love with my best friend and knew we were meant to be together. We had connected in so many ways including spiritually and emotionally and on a level I did not know even existed. Paula always saw me for who I was – Melissa and this did not matter despite my “appearance”. I still recall the night I looked in her eyes back in April and I saw the depths of her heart and soul. I remember our first kiss vividly. It awakened my soul and spirit like no other kiss ever had – it was sweet and tender and a wonderful feeling came over me that night. Melissa- the person I truly was- had fallen in love and it was so different from the time Russell did with my ex-wife so long ago. I had fallen in love with Paula Katherine Prichard.

Although both mine and Paula’s marriages were done and we were both moving ahead in our transitions, even as the summer began to lead to the “day of reckoning” I still did not believe it was possible that Paula and I could end up together despite our love and so many things in common. Some of this was form logistical standpoints and part of it was from our hanging by thread marriages but mostly it was the belief by many even those in our very community that two transgended people cannot survive in a relationship. However, this is actually a gross misconception. Some transgendered woman who transition are attracted to men and which to consummate a straight relationship with someone form the opposite sex. This is very hard to do since most men will not likely be too cool with finding out that that their love interest use to be a genetic male and God help you if you try to fool them and get caught later. Some horrific things have happened to girls who try this stealth methodology. I have never really had any feelings for men and despite being Melissa and transitioning to live the remainder of my life as a woman – men are not my cup of tea. I always felt feminine but at the same time remain attracted to women. Melissa is a lesbian. Relationships with other genetic woman are possible and I know many of my friends who have these relationships including steady girlfriends and even marriages. I always hope they will prosper. Still some genetic women have some issues with transgendered women even if they are lesbians and the attraction is there partly because they cannot always see us for who we are spiritually and get caught up on what the anatomy that once was there – albeit unwanted on our part.

Therefore a relationship with another lesbian who is transgendered is the answer. Both people are transitioning and will eventually each have the right body parts to match the spirit but unlike other possible relationships transgendered people understand each other like no one else who is not transgendered ever could do so. You can be yourself and be comfortable with each other and heart and soul are connected you can find a relationship like no other ever found. I did so when I met and fell in love with Paula. Our relationship continues to grow and prosper and only 6-7 months after I thought it was not likely, Paula and I live together…growing, transitioning and loving each other so deeply and with such passion and tenderness and warmth and understanding this girl had never seen before. We are getting ready to celebrate our first Christmas together as a couple. Our lives are richer and deeper and we seek no others- we are happy to be together and whatever time we have left we will spend it together. We are soul mates and companions on this journey in life and we are both happy we found each other and support each other during our transitions and beyond! I love Paula Katherine Prichard with my heart and soul and I always will. I still don’t know if I can say with clarity “what is love” exactly but I know that I, as Melissa Marie Alexander, found it in Paula. I often wonder what my life would be like if our paths had not crossed that night we talked for two hours nearly 18 months ago …….I know it would not be as rich or full and filled with strength and love and support that we provide for each other and always will ………………..I wish each of you peace and happiness and much love and joy in your life…

Lesbians, Interviews and Appalachia (Fall 07)

It was definitely an interesting and intriguing week for Melissa although I am sure it was a whole lot more interesting for others I know. Thanksgiving week has come on gone and it brought some interesting situations for a few members of my transgendered support group who announced at our last meeting that they were planning to come out to their families on their Thanksgiving gatherings (bet that made for some interesting discussion over the turkey and pumpkin pie for sure!) I look forward to hearing these reports at our next group meeting. I spent the week, besides Thanksgiving with the family members where I decided not to disrupt the food consumption process with any such similar disclosure although I suspect a few of the outlaws( in-laws) have a few suspicions for sure, with a social outing where I was among a group of lesbians who were great company and much fun. The other part of my week was spent with a another member of such community doing an interview with her on growing up and being transgendered in Appalachia for graduate research paper she is doing on the subject.

The social outing was fun and I had a blast and spent a good amount of time discussing points with the bartender whose name consequently was also Melissa. I think for the most part lesbians and transgendered (MtoF) people get along pretty well. I think this because most MtoF transgendered people would be considered lesbians since many are attracted to ggs or other tgs and therefore it is essentially two women together (kind of like the welcome to the “male bashing” club). I learned that Melissa at one time had such long flowing beautiful hair that I would die to have but she shaved it off to a thin crew cut haircut and she now mostly wears caps. I also met her former lover who she still gets along pretty well with as well. Melissa took good care of me at the bar serving me some nice drinks that actually contained some alcohol as opposed to the water downed versions one usually gets. She also included me in her occasional intriguing and unusual shots she poured for all the girls including me. I really enjoyed spending time and having some fun with these girls and learning more about them and most were very open about discussing their sexuality which defiantly kept the conversation more livelily for sure.

On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving I met Lori who is also part of the “L” community to discuss my life as a transgendered person growing up in what our nation defines as Appalachia. Appalachia is an area of land of rural mountains mostly inhabited sparsely by a group of lower educated people who also tend to be more conservative in their social values driven by their more fundamental religious upbringing. This topic has also fascinated me and so after some exchange of e-mails I agreed to meet Lori for an interview which was recorded and is put to be put on reserve at her university library to document along with others out transgendered histories. She is planning to use these interviews as a source of reference along with her research to formulate a research paper and ultimately her Master’s thesis on this subject. I am definitely interested in reading her research paper on this process. Growing up and being transgendered in Appalachia is not easy for sure. Contact with others like me was not common and still is not common today. Most of us here grew up in towns so small and rural that everyone knows everything about everyone (I bet you most people in this town could tell you what you had to eat for breakfast before you even get it digested). Appalachian people are good natured people for the most part but they do not understand or deal with people part of the LGBT community well. They see us as freaks, deviants and “sinners” who need “redemption”! Obviously growing up and living in such areas as a member of the LGBT community is not easy and I am sure Lori’s studies will verify all of this in her comparisons with those who grew up in more metropolitan areas of this nation. I really enjoyed chatting with Lori and getting to know her as well. She is really cool person with a big heart and warm smile and I wish her all the success she dreams of and maybe one day we will both find that Appalachia and being part of the LGBT community do not have to be so mutually exclusive but we have a long way to go in that regard for sure!