What is Love? (Revisited)

Back in April of this year I wrote a blog entitled “What is Love “about the relationship which developed between myself and my love and partner Paula Katherine Prichard. The relationship was a unique one in that it involved two transgendered people who were going through transition while on the end threads of failed marriages. My now ex-wife I know has had serious uncomfortableness and anger over this relationship despite the fact she knew our marriage was critically flawed and that we had fallen out of love sometime way before I even met Paula. It happened because my ex-wife married a person she fell in love with who was not really the person she thought I was and this concealment and anguish and guilt I suffered for many years boiled over into our marriage when combined with my nature and the intense frustrations of work that nearly buried me. (See previous blog back in August entitled “The Wife was Right”) As Melissa began to emerge more intensely over the last few years, my ex-wife and I drifted apart because she never had any connection to Melissa –only the ugly shell which had covered her and kept her hidden away for far too long!

I first met Paula in May of 2007 at a GNO event and we talked out on the deck of the club for nearly two hours that night. I instantly connected to her as someone I loved talking with and that night we discussed many subjects. I hoped she would become a good friend over time. Paula on the other hand will tell you she fell in love with me that night and that she had no intention of doing so- it just happened. We would see each other now and then at events and would always talk and both of felt we could share anything about our lives and our past with the other without any reservation. We talked online a good deal as well as on the phone and I liked her a lot. She has a big caring heart that is so sweet and sensitive and we many things in common. Our talks included politics, history, our work, our marriages and our struggles as transgendered people. Paula never tipped her hand about falling in love with me that night in May throughout our summer and fall chats online, in person or over the phone. In time Paula became my best friend in the world and I wrote about that in early winter of 2008 entitled “Friendship in a TG World”. Still, despite the fact Paula had been in love with me for nearly eleven months and I loved talking with her every chance I could in the summer of 2007 and fall of 2007 and early on in 2008, and could hare anything with her, I still held out some hope that my ex-wife and I could sustain our marriage even as I transitioned to be who I truly was and always had been – Melissa Marie Alexander. By late in the spring of 2008 I knew I was kidding myself on this point. I knew I needed to transition and live life as Melissa- my true soul and essence but I also knew my marriage was at an end. I knew my wife felt the same way and we were only holding on for the kids- my son who was almost to graduation form high school and my daughter through college. In fact, my wife had already set up a meeting with a lawyer even before the “day of reckoning and full disclosure came in July and the reading my letter to her. We were not going to stay together and that had been evident for some time. The disclosure only brought it all to a head. We had held on as long as we could and I concealed my transition as long as I could and the inevitable separation and divorce was but forgone conclusion. Last week, my ex-wife and I worked out an agreement and I think we can both move forward. Someday, maybe we can even be friends. I hope so. She is a sweet loving and good person and I hope she finds the peace and happiness she deserves- for this year has been living hell on her for sure.

Late this spring Paula and I took our relationship to beyond great friendship – although she remains my best friend in the world even today. I fell in love with my best friend and knew we were meant to be together. We had connected in so many ways including spiritually and emotionally and on a level I did not know even existed. Paula always saw me for who I was – Melissa and this did not matter despite my “appearance”. I still recall the night I looked in her eyes back in April and I saw the depths of her heart and soul. I remember our first kiss vividly. It awakened my soul and spirit like no other kiss ever had – it was sweet and tender and a wonderful feeling came over me that night. Melissa- the person I truly was- had fallen in love and it was so different from the time Russell did with my ex-wife so long ago. I had fallen in love with Paula Katherine Prichard.

Although both mine and Paula’s marriages were done and we were both moving ahead in our transitions, even as the summer began to lead to the “day of reckoning” I still did not believe it was possible that Paula and I could end up together despite our love and so many things in common. Some of this was form logistical standpoints and part of it was from our hanging by thread marriages but mostly it was the belief by many even those in our very community that two transgended people cannot survive in a relationship. However, this is actually a gross misconception. Some transgendered woman who transition are attracted to men and which to consummate a straight relationship with someone form the opposite sex. This is very hard to do since most men will not likely be too cool with finding out that that their love interest use to be a genetic male and God help you if you try to fool them and get caught later. Some horrific things have happened to girls who try this stealth methodology. I have never really had any feelings for men and despite being Melissa and transitioning to live the remainder of my life as a woman – men are not my cup of tea. I always felt feminine but at the same time remain attracted to women. Melissa is a lesbian. Relationships with other genetic woman are possible and I know many of my friends who have these relationships including steady girlfriends and even marriages. I always hope they will prosper. Still some genetic women have some issues with transgendered women even if they are lesbians and the attraction is there partly because they cannot always see us for who we are spiritually and get caught up on what the anatomy that once was there – albeit unwanted on our part.

Therefore a relationship with another lesbian who is transgendered is the answer. Both people are transitioning and will eventually each have the right body parts to match the spirit but unlike other possible relationships transgendered people understand each other like no one else who is not transgendered ever could do so. You can be yourself and be comfortable with each other and heart and soul are connected you can find a relationship like no other ever found. I did so when I met and fell in love with Paula. Our relationship continues to grow and prosper and only 6-7 months after I thought it was not likely, Paula and I live together…growing, transitioning and loving each other so deeply and with such passion and tenderness and warmth and understanding this girl had never seen before. We are getting ready to celebrate our first Christmas together as a couple. Our lives are richer and deeper and we seek no others- we are happy to be together and whatever time we have left we will spend it together. We are soul mates and companions on this journey in life and we are both happy we found each other and support each other during our transitions and beyond! I love Paula Katherine Prichard with my heart and soul and I always will. I still don’t know if I can say with clarity “what is love” exactly but I know that I, as Melissa Marie Alexander, found it in Paula. I often wonder what my life would be like if our paths had not crossed that night we talked for two hours nearly 18 months ago …….I know it would not be as rich or full and filled with strength and love and support that we provide for each other and always will ………………..I wish each of you peace and happiness and much love and joy in your life…

What is love?

This should be an easy blog to write for all I do normally is express my thoughts and feelings and post them to my blog sites. The words usually flow easily and I take great joy in writing as I always have most of my life and I apparently passed this passion and creativity to my daughter. However, in this blog the words don’t flow as easily as they normally should or do and it’s not because I don’t feel or the words aren’t there, it is because the words are so inadequate to describe my feelings and the feelings I have are so intense they almost interfere with their expression. For the first time in my life as Melissa (I say “Melissa” because the shell has felt love but I am not talking about the shell here ......I am ONLY talking about Melissa) I am deeply totally and passionately in love with someone who only sees the real me and embraces the real me and nurtures and comforts the real me who is busting out more and more every day as the shell crumbles to its demise and ruin!
This is not something which began overnight, on one night or even over one period of time of the last year- but I know some of you saw it coming maybe even before I ever did. About a year ago, I met a lovely transgendered lady by the name of Paula Katherine White. Recently, she confessed to me that she fell in love with me the night we met for the first time and we talked out on a patio one evening for hours. I will say truthfully I did not have the initial feelings for her that she obviously did for me but I loved talking with her more than anyone else I have ever met as Melissa although I love chatting with my sisters and brothers in the trans community very much and like to keep in touch when I can. However, I walked away that night after we met and hoped we would talk again and we did. Soon over months after that we began chatting frequently online and when we saw each other in person. Months later we began talking on the phone and over time that occurrence became a regular and even a daily occurrence. I could share anything with her…my entire soul …my horrible past…..the humor, the sadness, thoughts and feelings, happiness …there was absolutely nothing I would not share with her- ever. She grew to know more about me than any other person on this planet. I wanted her to know everything and I let it all flow. She told me everything about her and shared her thoughts and feelings and bared her soul to me. We talked and we talked for hours upon hours upon hours ……Paula is my best friend in the world and the strong base work of such let us take our feelings deeper and deeper. We never rushed into anything and we built a foundation of open and free communication which carried us to heights unknown to both of us before.
Now believe me we had opportunities to be together in the times we spent rooming together over the last year but until recently we never let anything initiate between us. Last fall we slept in the same bed together but instead of this turning into some night of passion we laid in bed talking to each other until we both fell asleep. I began to feel this girl was my soul mate and I was right of course as our souls seem to be intertwined …we somehow seemed to belong together and we continued to talk and support and share deep and even troubling feelings with each other …there was nothing we could not talk about with each other ever…when she had a crises or two I was there for her and God only knows she has pulled me out of some low points as well. I did not know there could be someone who was as perfect for me as Melissa as I found in Paula. The more we began to talk- the longer we talked …….we have talked for four hours or more on occasion…day after day we talked and shared. We found out we have so much in common and so many things we both love to do and see. Where o where has this girl been all my life I kept asking myself.
After nearly a year of talking and sharing we have had the opportunities to spend some weekend together shopping, sightseeing, dinning, and dancing and of course more talking and sharing. We also discovered we both have a sense of humor and we make each other laugh so much! Recently, one of these nights we lay in bed and held each other and gazed into each other’s eyes where we saw each other’s soul in a manner that escapes the proper description of words. I have never felt anything like this in my life. We kissed passionately and our love for each other flowed so wonderfully. We spent most of the two nights together caressing and touching and kissing and talking in the closest of intimacy that I have ever experienced and again it was without what most people would describe as physical sex. I simply loved being in her arms, I loved looking into her eyes…...I loved sharing myself freely with her and communicating without any restraints. We knew after that weekend that we cared and loved each other so deeply…....so intensely that wanted to spend more and more time together.
This past weekend we met again and it was the most weekend of my life. We talked, we shopped, we danced and we dinned and even went to a program together on transgendered rights. Paula has helped me grow so much as Melissa and I have her as well. We spent the night in each others arms…we fed each other dessert; we talked and talked and shared our deepest feelings. We kissed and caressed and walked hand in hand and so much in love with each other we even talked about a future together. It will not be easy for easy of us and there will be great anguish and hardship but we know one thing …no matter what happens- ever, we will always be there for the other and our love grows deeper and deeper by the hour! I have never felt, as Melissa, anything such as I have felt with her in my life. I feel whole …..I feel alive…I feel passion and tenderness like I have never ever experienced and it has touched my soul so very deeply!
What is love? I don’t know if we can ever fully describe what love is ……..but I believe we can sense when we have reached that pinnacle of relationship with another human being and I know I have in my life with Paula. In all honesty, I want to spend the remainder of my life on this planet with Paula and I hope everyone is able to someday, if you already have not done so, find someone that you love so deeply and passionately that your souls touch and who you want to spent whatever time you have here on this world together as we have.......Paula….I love you and I always will!