Against the Grain

Sometimes in this world it is OK to go against the grain such as when you know that important values such as freedom or dignity are at stake. Sometimes in nature creatures such as fish like salmon go against the grain as part of their maturation process of life. However, for a transgendered person going against the grain is what causes all the stress and turmoil and conflict in our life and is exactly what causes me the greatest challenge next to what I discussed last week about discrimination and male privilege in my post transitional life. See my life started on the wrong track…the wrong path and I must now deal with the consequences of the same and work to correct these defects in my indoctrination into life.
When I was born, some medical staff personal looked down upon my tiny infant body and saw what to them was a male anatomy. No one asked me for my assessment…for my feelings or views and even if they did I could not discuss it at that tiny stage in my life. I did not discover that I felt different than other “boys” until I was six or seven years old when I first acted on what I felt inside of me was that of a girl……but by then it was too late. I had already been tracked into the male camp and the indoctrination of male values and thinking was being crammed into me by society, parents and teachers. It’s like boys and girls early on in childhood are treated relatively the same as we travelled the same road of life. Somewhere along the way the road widens and we are pushed to one side of it based upon our physical gender and not our inner essence. Shortly thereafter the road separates and “boys” are sent to one camp for training and “girls” to the other camp- again all based on outward appearance and not how we feel about who we truly are in life.
Once we are separated into these camps the indoctrination begins in full force and for those of us in the group where our inner spirit and outer shell do not coincide with each other, we are left fighting against the grain. In my case I was told I was a boy and boys do certain things. We do not express emotion except anger, we are tougher and we play physical sports. Later on we are told by our peers that woman are for our pleasure but don’t get too emotionally attached. We are told that the appendage we have down between our legs entitles us to a privilege in society – an inner circle of power and control. We are taught aggression and to lead and be in control and so on so forth. The training and upbringing runs contrary to our inner souls when one is transgendered. We know it does not fit but we try to fit in so we adapt the only teachings we are given – even if they do not fit who we are as people. The conflict, guilt and repression leads to so many problems which we try to resolve by the improper indoctrination we have been given since just after we came into the world. The conflicts create crises we struggle to resolve and this going against the grain only causes more issues and problems for us.
Meanwhile, over in the girls’ camp, the indoctrination is vastly different and if one is transgendered by virtue of being FtoM TS the same conflicts arise but the indoctrination is again an issue. Females are taught different values and concepts than males. Emotions are handled differently and indoctrination is more focused about their bodies and how to use their femininity to get things. Maybe the best learning process came from other woman through the interactions which occur among woman in society through sleepovers as teenagers to close circles of friends that evolve over the course of life’s journey. Unfortunately, I did not get to participate in these groups or the training process that society lays out for those it deems to be female based on physical assessments made at birth and not one’s true essence and spirit.
Now here I am- a post transitional woman whose body now reflects her inner essence and being but who had the wrong training during my formative years. I now live in the world against the grain. It’s like I need to go back to the time the road separated early in my life and this time to take the right route that leads me to where the girls were gathered and taught about life as a female and learned about their bodies and actions as women in life. Almost every bit of indoctrination I received ran contrary and against the grain of what I should have received to match my inner soul and essence of whom I truly was but for the physical defects I came into the world with far too many years ago. Yes I have learned much from my interaction with women over the years and this has helped. However, it cannot replace the early indoctrination that other females received that I was denied by virtue of decisions made for me based on appearances.
I view this path against the grain as well as the issues I discussed last week on male privilege and discrimination to be my greatest challenges as a post transitional woman. I see them as far more daunting and challenging barriers than anything I have done physically and I have done a good deal physically! I intend to enjoy my life, I intend to combat the undeserved male privilege wherever I can in my journey and I plan on continuing my interaction with those of my true gender of a woman absorbing as much as I can to deal with the lack of learning in this area I did not receive as a young person in life. These are the challenges that a post operative transgendered woman faces and they require as much courage and strength if not more than what was needed to come out and be one’s true self and go through the challenges of physical transition. I will with the help of many friends and acquaintances work to unlearn much of what I learned in my younger years and continue to struggle “against the grain”. I know I can be successful in taking on these challenges.

One More Time...........with feeling!

When I was a child I remember my father explaining to me that men were not suppose to cry or show their emotions and always were to keep their feelings pretty much to themselves. Of course, since I was raised as a male due to my genetic defects, this seemed contrary to my way of thinking. I always was a sensitive child but as I got in college and my early years in my career, I was a tightly wound individual and deeply repressive of my true self and I learned to not show much emotion beyond anger. This really was a not a really good one to display. However, there were times that, despite my best efforts, I felt my true emotions of who I really was and my feelings and the warmth that they brought shined through the ugly shell. I would have to look away so others could not see I was crying or feeling emotional so I could keep up the “rough exterior façade”. Sometimes I might read a story or see a movie or show on TV which was emotional powerful and I would find tears streaming down my face. Since that did not fit my “image” I was desperately trying to portray I always hoped these episodes occurred when no one was around to see them.
The words spoken to me by the indoctrination of my father always rung out in my head….. “Men don’t show their emotions and they don’t cry”. Even my father lost sight of his own directives at the end of his life as he displayed many more emotions. I still remember shortly before his death in the nursing home we held each other and told each other how much we loved each other. Tears streamed own our faces as we did. Just prior to that I had to tell him my brother and his son had been killed in an accident and we cried for hours together and the night mom died shortly before that, I saw a man in a wheelchair broken down with tears streaming down his tired face. I buried each of them and wrote their eulogies in succession. I cried as I delivered each one. However, I also decided that feeling emotions and displaying them freely should not have to wait until deathbeds and funerals!
My decision to stop lying to myself and everyone else and to live life as Melissa- my true essence of being and to rid myself of the ugly shell and façade was made not only made so I could stop living a lie and find peace as a woman trapped in a male shell, but also with the understanding that I would be able to feel and express emotions as woman. Emotions and feelings can be a scary item but only if you try to hide them or fight them or repress them instead of embracing them! Even before I began living fulltime as Melissa this began to occur as I let my true self be seen and feel. The ingestion of estrogen into my body during my transition has only heightened the feelings that were already there but repressed from years of living in a shell and pretending and living by my father’s directives. I love the emotions and I love feeling alive. I cry at almost anything (it could be a poem, an article about a child dying of cancer, a TV show, a commercial or even a hymn I hear in church on Sunday) and I simply don’t care who sees me express the emotions anymore. I look at pictures of my children on my desk of my office and I simply break down and cry. When I think of how much I love and care for Paula and how much she loves me I cannot hold back the tears of joy of finding a soul mate in life as Melissa. The tears flow like a river but the river leads to my soul and they cleanse my heart.
I feel so deeply and passionately and the emotions roll over me like a wave does for one who stands in the ocean. Each successive wave brings more feeling and warmth and depth of emotion I always knew was there. I can feel again completely and I express my emotions like any other woman does with both tears of joy as well as sadness! I love to cry and I do my fair share of it for sure! The feelings take root inside of me and seem to connect pathways that were always there but forgotten. I love the feelings …I love the passion…I love the emotion and depth of feeling…let the tears flow freely whenever and wherever they may need to flow. No longer does my father’s adage apply as if it ever really did anyway. Maybe it is suppose to applicable to men today although I really think most men could use more good cries and many more feelings and emotions than they normally display. However, as Melissa- my true essence, it has no meaning at all. Let the waves of emotions and feelings swarm over my body and soul and renew me as a woman. God does it ever feel so good!