Against the Grain

Sometimes in this world it is OK to go against the grain such as when you know that important values such as freedom or dignity are at stake. Sometimes in nature creatures such as fish like salmon go against the grain as part of their maturation process of life. However, for a transgendered person going against the grain is what causes all the stress and turmoil and conflict in our life and is exactly what causes me the greatest challenge next to what I discussed last week about discrimination and male privilege in my post transitional life. See my life started on the wrong track…the wrong path and I must now deal with the consequences of the same and work to correct these defects in my indoctrination into life.
When I was born, some medical staff personal looked down upon my tiny infant body and saw what to them was a male anatomy. No one asked me for my assessment…for my feelings or views and even if they did I could not discuss it at that tiny stage in my life. I did not discover that I felt different than other “boys” until I was six or seven years old when I first acted on what I felt inside of me was that of a girl……but by then it was too late. I had already been tracked into the male camp and the indoctrination of male values and thinking was being crammed into me by society, parents and teachers. It’s like boys and girls early on in childhood are treated relatively the same as we travelled the same road of life. Somewhere along the way the road widens and we are pushed to one side of it based upon our physical gender and not our inner essence. Shortly thereafter the road separates and “boys” are sent to one camp for training and “girls” to the other camp- again all based on outward appearance and not how we feel about who we truly are in life.
Once we are separated into these camps the indoctrination begins in full force and for those of us in the group where our inner spirit and outer shell do not coincide with each other, we are left fighting against the grain. In my case I was told I was a boy and boys do certain things. We do not express emotion except anger, we are tougher and we play physical sports. Later on we are told by our peers that woman are for our pleasure but don’t get too emotionally attached. We are told that the appendage we have down between our legs entitles us to a privilege in society – an inner circle of power and control. We are taught aggression and to lead and be in control and so on so forth. The training and upbringing runs contrary to our inner souls when one is transgendered. We know it does not fit but we try to fit in so we adapt the only teachings we are given – even if they do not fit who we are as people. The conflict, guilt and repression leads to so many problems which we try to resolve by the improper indoctrination we have been given since just after we came into the world. The conflicts create crises we struggle to resolve and this going against the grain only causes more issues and problems for us.
Meanwhile, over in the girls’ camp, the indoctrination is vastly different and if one is transgendered by virtue of being FtoM TS the same conflicts arise but the indoctrination is again an issue. Females are taught different values and concepts than males. Emotions are handled differently and indoctrination is more focused about their bodies and how to use their femininity to get things. Maybe the best learning process came from other woman through the interactions which occur among woman in society through sleepovers as teenagers to close circles of friends that evolve over the course of life’s journey. Unfortunately, I did not get to participate in these groups or the training process that society lays out for those it deems to be female based on physical assessments made at birth and not one’s true essence and spirit.
Now here I am- a post transitional woman whose body now reflects her inner essence and being but who had the wrong training during my formative years. I now live in the world against the grain. It’s like I need to go back to the time the road separated early in my life and this time to take the right route that leads me to where the girls were gathered and taught about life as a female and learned about their bodies and actions as women in life. Almost every bit of indoctrination I received ran contrary and against the grain of what I should have received to match my inner soul and essence of whom I truly was but for the physical defects I came into the world with far too many years ago. Yes I have learned much from my interaction with women over the years and this has helped. However, it cannot replace the early indoctrination that other females received that I was denied by virtue of decisions made for me based on appearances.
I view this path against the grain as well as the issues I discussed last week on male privilege and discrimination to be my greatest challenges as a post transitional woman. I see them as far more daunting and challenging barriers than anything I have done physically and I have done a good deal physically! I intend to enjoy my life, I intend to combat the undeserved male privilege wherever I can in my journey and I plan on continuing my interaction with those of my true gender of a woman absorbing as much as I can to deal with the lack of learning in this area I did not receive as a young person in life. These are the challenges that a post operative transgendered woman faces and they require as much courage and strength if not more than what was needed to come out and be one’s true self and go through the challenges of physical transition. I will with the help of many friends and acquaintances work to unlearn much of what I learned in my younger years and continue to struggle “against the grain”. I know I can be successful in taking on these challenges.

Pater........in loco parentis

It’s been a while since I discussed the matter of my children. Let me first say that I love my children dearly and I always have from the day they came into this world. Rachael is a bright and beautiful young woman with many talents and a college education although a bit of focus of direction on her part would help her immensely. She is a writer like her father and the limits of what she can do and create are truly unlimited and I hope that someday she finds that calling of hers. My son Ian is also a bright young man who is attending college and performing well in his first year and he was a very talented baseball player as a left- handed pitcher who I enjoyed watching play the game so well for so many wonderful years. I tried to support my kids in their activities. I have helped them both with their college education and bought each of them a car. Maybe I did destroy their image of dad with my coming out and transitioning to live my life in my true essence but does that correspondingly mean that the relationship of “parent” is also likewise at an end?
I miss my children a great deal. I cannot think of them during the week or look at their pictures on my desk without crying. Things are happening with them each day of their Generation Y lives and I am left out of it. Many times transgendered people are told “we abandoned our family members” when, in fact, due to their lack of comfort on their part with our transition and living life as who we really are and it is our families who have abandoned us, shut off communication and cut us out of their lives. Believe me- I would come in a heartbeat if I was invited to a dinner or even to grab a cup of coffee with them. If they called or even texted me and said they wanted me to come to an event I would do so without question. I love them and I always will –even if that invitation never comes and we are not actively part of each other’s lives in the near or distant future.
However, this discussion brings up another interesting point. Why is just because I am not the “dad” they knew that it is written in stone that I cannot be their loving parent. I will always be their father even if I don’t necessarily look like their father. Why cannot I just be a parent of them? Why do we have to celebrate father’s day or mother’s day and why can’t we just have parents’ appreciation day? Society is still stuck in a binary system, as it is with all gender issues, where every child is suppose to have one male parent- “the father” and one female parent –“the mother”. We know however that many children are raised by one parent and in some more progressive minded states and locales a gay or lesbian couple is more accepted to raise children so that the child has two dads or two moms. One of the partners is not even the child’s biological parent although I truly believe parenting is defined by love and Not by genetics. Why then is so difficult for many children to accept their parent if he or she transitions to live life in their true spiritual gender? Does that transition change the way they feel about him or her? Is transition a barrier to love and understanding? I know very well I could continue a loving relationship with my children if they gave me a chance.
Again, although technically I am their father, they can just treat me as a parent without all the gender labels and realize that we can still be a part of each other’s lives. We can still share, still feel, still love and understand and support just the same if only they will let go of the stereotypes and the artificially created gender defined roles that society has placed upon paterfamilias ( Latin for father of family or male head of household ). The parent (me) can stand in place of the person they once knew as their Dad and do pretty much the same things I did for them before and love them all the same. It’s like the old Latin doctrine ….in locos parentis ….”in place of the parent” or in this case- in place of the old dad who lived in the repressive shell. What I could really use on their part is if they would lose the paternophobia (“fear of the father”). I will keep my arms fully extended and my lines of communication open for them and hope someday they find the courage to call, write, e-mail or text me a message and maybe begin the process of opening their heart to their parent who loves and cares for them dearly and whose heart aches from their continued abstinence from my life as Melissa- their parent!

Harvey Milk, Closets, Fear and Transgendered Power

Paula and I just got back from viewing an evening out in which we dined at an Irish pub near the OSU campus and took in a movie. The diner was delightful as always love good food and Irish ale and Paula and I chatted about many things in our lives currently. However, despite the fact I love her company and good food and drink, all of that paled in comparison to the movie which we saw- MILK! If you have not seen this film you need to do so my friends! It is an extraordinary and powerful film about the life of Harvey Milk, the first gay man elected to a prominent position when he took office in 1978 in San Francisco. Sean Penn is fabulous in the role of Harvey Milk and clearly captures his essence as a human being. The film is sad at the end because of his tragic, premature death as the result of a man tormented by his own demons (It was suspected Milk’s killer who held the same elected position as that of Milk was a deeply closeted homosexual who tried to live a life of a traditional Irish catholic and “moral” life as a married man with children). The end is a perfect example of the dangers of putting handguns in the hands of mentally disturbed individuals filled with anger and repression and way too much testosterone!

Harvey Milk could have done so much more for the rights and dignity of people if he had not been tragically killed that morning in his own office along with the mayor of San Francisco at that time. The event came shortly after two major victories won by Milk and his allies- the defeat of proposition six which would have made it permissible to fire any school employee in California for being gay or simply supporting the rights of gays as well as the enactment of city wide ordinance protecting individuals from housing and employment discrimination based on one’s sexual orientation. This ordinance has since been amended to include and protect those of the transgendered community. Harvey Milk left a great legacy in the world and many have followed in his footsteps but most importantly he set the example for leadership and changes in our struggle for dignity and human rights.

What I admired most about him was his courage and there is part of the movie where in order to win the tide to defeat proposition six against the likes of a right wing religious zealot and “Nazi” Senator at that time supported, of course, by the likes of Anita Bryant and her “Godly inspired” crusade against rights for gay people. In order to win the vote against the tide of money and power displayed by the so called “Christians” Harvey Milk encouraged his friends and supporters to break down the doors of their own closets and come out to their families and friends as well as their employers so that people could know and connect with a gay person and find out that their sons and daughters and employees were simply people who were gay. According to Harvey Milk the greatest thing holding back the community was the fact that many lived in the closet and only by coming out and coming clean could the movement grow. Power ONLY comes from being free and without power nothing important can ever be accomplished. It takes great courage to let people who you work for and love and care about know who you really are as a person. That courage is what gives you power and with that power much can be accomplished. But courage is what brought about Harvey’s accomplishments personally as well in his movements and causes. It gave him and those that followed and supported him power. I will state this as bluntly as I can put it …… if the transgendered community does not show the same courage we will be left behind in the struggle for dignity and human rights that all people deserve!

So those of us who are transgendered in any way (crossdresser, transvestite, undefined transgendered, pre-op transsexual as well as post- op TS better heed the warning and get out of their damn closets and show some courage and take a voice in our community if we ever want to be able to accomplish anything in this society, achieve power and find ourselves victorious as Harvey and his followers did thirty years ago. The main problem is so many people in the transgendered community live in the closet, fearful of letting other human beings who supposedly love and care about them know about their true selves. So what if your friends desert you and so what if your family casts you aside like some weird freak. As Harvey Milk talks about in the movie….if your friends reject you- they were NOT really your friends and if your family rejects you THEY don’t deserve you! Some of them may later come around and that is great if they do- but do not let the fear of them rejecting you paralyze you and don’t let your family blackmail you into silence because they will cut you off if you come out and come clean. I know I was guilty of the same for so long. The day my ex-wife confronted me she awoke something in me and I decided I needed to come clean. She does not realize the long dormant activist she awoke inside me. Every person I told thereafter gave me more courage and more freedom. I lost friends and family like they were going out of style, BUT I hide from no one and I am truly free. With this freedom, power can come. Fear captures us as humans and the courage found deep inside all of us can overcome that fear and free our soul and our determination to bring about change.

As I have pointed out before transgendered people live in closets both prior to and after transition if they are TS. Cloak and stealth are just more ways to define closets and they keep us from moving forward in achieving rights and dignity for our community. Running and hiding from your past will only leave you without strength and courage and to be quite honest, true stealth and cloak are not really possible in today’s technology driven society. It is a myth! Just for shits and giggles, I used the internet to track down the past history and such for three of my transgendered friends who have transitioned and live fulltime as the men or women they are in their souls. It was done with little effort and almost zero cost. People you are only fooling yourself and no one else if you truly believe you can live in cloak or stealth. The problem in our community and why we will not likely prevail in achieving many of the goals that those in the lesbian and gay communities have and will achieve, is that society only sees a tip of the iceberg of our community and thinks we are a very small, minute group of freaks. Most of the community lies under the water- afraid to emerge from the comfort of the closet, stealth or cloak they have attempted to create in the murky waters below.

We are already a much smaller group than those of the gay and lesbian communities as it is and if most of our community remains hidden, then plain and simply we will find ourselves left out of society and existing with few if any rights and we will have no one to blame but ourselves! Someday someone will tear down your closet and you will be outed but when that day happens and you find yourself with little protections or rights don’t come crying to those who have come clean and let the world know who they really are- whether that be a man who likes to dress and express his feminine side on occasion or a post operative TS who lives life as a man or woman in a gender opposite that of their birth. I am not advocating running around and always announcing yourself to everyone but don’t play the game of denial to those who confront you. We have nothing to be ashamed of as transgendered people. So get out your closets and get living life without fear and with courage. You will feel empowered! Give up your stealth and cloak and be proud of who you are-even your past.

I know many post operative TS who try to pretend they have always been living life in their true gender despite transition. Everyone one of us in the TS community was born either male or female in our outer, genetic gender and we lived life for sometime this way as difficult as it may have been. We transitioned and now life in our true gender but we should not be ashamed of who we are or our past life. I will never be a genetic female no matter how much surgery I incur or hormone compounds I ingest. The very fact I was born genetically male and transitioned to live life as female because it is who I am as a human being means exactly this- I am a transgendered person! I am and always will be transgendered! If I deny who I am as a human being or the existence of part of my life in another gender, even as improper as that past life was to my soul, then I live in shame of who I am as human being. If we act like that in our community then how are we ever to achieve anything in our community or even individually. How are we ever going obtain power? Just as Harvey Milk did in encouraging his community to come out and be open we must do the same to let others know WE EXIST and that we are just people like everyone else: fathers, mothers, spouses, sons and daughters, lawyers, architects, doctors, teachers, bartenders, carpenters, truck drivers and every other profession under the sun- but people who just happen to be transgendered. When we do this we will not only find our personal freedom and power but we will find ourselves accomplishing so much more as a community. “Milk” is about a man’s accomplishments in life when he found his courage and passion for what he believed in and left the confines of his closet at age 40 to live a life without fear and even in his death his work and legacy carried on long afterward. Let’s hope we all find our courage as Harvey Milk did and get involved in moving our push for human rights and dignity forward as transgendered people. Tear down the closet doors and turn off the stealth and our power awaits us!