The Distancing

The act of distancing one’s self from others, a particular person or an idea is a common practice of politicians. Give a politician a way for him or her to place themselves at a point of distance from a controversial issue such as health care reform and they will be running to that point as fast as you can say “I’m up for re-election next year!” Unfortunately, the art of distancing is something transgendered people incur all the time and not merely after one comes out and begins transitioning but sometimes even months or years afterward. The only problem is that this form of distancing involves separating human contact from the transgendered person from those that initially accepted you for who you are and have always really been in life. It generally involves those again you thought were friends or family who did not reject you outright when the “you- know- what” hit the fan with full disclosure. However, in time these individuals become increasingly more distant and begin to pull away from you even considering their initial acceptance and apparent willingness to try to stay connected with you in life.

The disappointment of losing contact with such people is no less disheartening to the transgendered individual than if the person had pulled away quickly upon disclosure. However, I guess it does make the person engaging in such distancing tactics feel a little better because they can say they tried but for the transgendered individual effort is very subjective and the hurt caused by the distancing is really know less painful than the initial rejections. Again, the concept is an all too common occurrence. I know Donna Rose discussed it in her book “Wrapped in Blue” from her experience with some people she considered to be friends but who ultimately played the distancing game.

I don’t mean to cut these people down for that is not my point of all this but I don’t think they realized how much they hurt me by what they did and made me feel so unwelcomed. Recently the father of one of my old friends who had tried to stay connected with me after my transition died. I was upset about the death which I found out after all the funeral arrangements had taken place despite many who could have called and let me know. Instead my friends decided that since he had not told his mother and some others about me and there were other friends of his whom use to be “friends” with me in my old life who find me to be a disgusting and disturbing freak that I would not be told about the death until everything was over with for fear I might come and hug my friend and comfort him in his loss. I understand this loss probably better than most from experience in losing both my parents as well as my bother all in 15 short months. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for his loss but I found out that everyone, with his guidance, conspired not to tell me until it was all over so I would not be able to come and pay my respects and comfort my friend. I at first blamed others for this decision and only found out through a one line e-mail from my ex- her first communication with me in four months. I cried for my friend’s loss, I cried because the lack of information from my ex even about our children who I love so much. I cried because I was not welcome to come and pay my respects and comfort my friend. I blamed others and when I found it was my friend who orchestrated it all I cried again when I received his e-mail.

He told me in his letter that he has trouble seeing me and accepting and adapting to me as Melissa instead of the shell of the other person I pretended to be for so long. Of course, this could be helped by more contact between us and yet he and another friend have cancelled two other trips to come and visit and turned down other opportunities to meet as well. He is not the only one to do this for sure. Many other friends who initially showed some support when I first came out have not followed through with any communication or contact with me in a year. They have learned the distancing game well and maybe they too can give themselves a pat on the back for trying initially and maybe they feel that they are a bit better than those that rejected me outright but really ……haven’t we ended up in the same place anyway? The distance grows wider every day and yet the only answer to this gap is communicating and meeting and talking some things out and learning.

Paula and I went to the performances at Wall Street last night at the conclusion of TransOhio’s Transgender and Ally Symposium. One young talented young man by the name of Adam Apple performed a piece choreographed to the music of One Republic’s “Stop and Stare” which told of his life as a young Transman who loves his family but has been rejected by them, who has loss work and been denied jobs because of who he is as a person and who has been beaten and raped and yet is still so full of love and dignity. It was a powerful piece which brought many including myself and Paula to tears but his sign he held towards the end said it all… “I am human”. Human beings need love and understanding and acceptance for being themselves and distancing is not an act which addresses this need of every human being. I have experienced some of his work discrimination and rejection by family and friends but have not even come close to the pain he has endured in his life with the violence and assaults and suicide attempts but I understood his pain and his work on this production touched me. It also deeply affected Paula who admitted to me this morning she is depressed. I know she longs for contact and communication with her old friends and most importantly her family of children and grandkids she cannot see. It brings her such sadness in a heart full of love. Watching the beautiful performance by Adam only drew her more deeply into this great sadness.

We are not ungrateful for the warm and loving friends we have found here in Columbus. We love you all deeply and you kindness has touched us so profoundly! It is also the hope that you give us that maybe someday some of the people who rejected us in our life for being who we are as people and who have played the distancing game so well will understand our anguish and pain and reach out again. Maybe someday they can even be touched by the pain endured by a young man they have never even met named Adam. Maybe someday they will meet our new and wonderful friends we have here and see the beauty and love that exists in our community! I hope the distances between us as human beings grows shorter!