Well its Day Five of the Camp 517 here in cold and snowy Boston –like that matters since I have only been outside the base camp for the ten minute trip to transfer to the camp from Boston Medical Center where I underwent FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) on Thursday January 22nd. It is a procedure that will dramatically change my life- maybe more so than my upcoming GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) in May of this year. The latter will enable me to change the gender marker on such documents as my birth certificate, driver’s license and passport but what I went through last week changes the way I look as well as how others in society will view me. As long as my voice work continues no longer can I be made by those in society simply because my forehead or brows appear to be masculine for they have been redefined through the outstanding skills of Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel to be exceedingly feminine. While the GRS is very important in changing one’s gender to match your inner soul, in reality no one but a few people will ever see my genitalia however tons of people will see my face in public every single day interacting with the world for the remainder of my life.
As a result of the complicated surgery performed the forehead is now smooth and flat through grinding and contouring and packing and plastering and the brows are raised to accentuate my baby blues. My nose was redefined by the surgeon to fit the new forehead and brow, made smaller and turned up at the end a bit to flare the nostrils upward. Dr. Spiegel was happy with all the work but he was particularly pleased with his touches to the nose. At this point it is still hard to tell since it wrapped and shielded. It is the one piece of work I have not fully seen since it is shielded for a few more days. My lips are fuller and turned up toward the nose and my jaw line and neck are smoother and narrower and make my chin more defined and more contoured to that of a woman. Some of this has been difficult to see because of swelling but that will resolve in a couple more weeks. In time, I will be presentable but in months when things really settle down I will see the full effects of the work. Regardless, I will look different than I ever have and not as easily mistaken for the wrong gender anymore. There is no going back now and I did not want to. Despite the extensive pain and aftercare I would need I was so very calm as I walked into that hospital that Thursday morning – as calm as I had ever been for about to something as dramatic as I was about to do considering its consequences-both short and long term on my life. I had been at peace with this decision for months. I have found peace with myself and my life as who I truly am as a person…Melissa. Now I will look far more like the person I always saw myself as but hid away from so many for so long. If there were any of the old “shell fragments left they got clobbered by ball bats for sure. I had never been under anesthesia before in my life so I had no idea what to expect. I laid there in Preparation room as the IV was started and talked with nurse and two med students who were observing. They were curious about transgendered people and wanted to know more and neither had seen this surgery before. We had a wonderful chat about being transgendered, FFS, GRS and all kinds of issues. I remember answering some questions raised by the anesthesiologist and going over final plans with Dr. Spiegel and giving thumbs up after removing my contacts. I never remember even seeing the hallway to the operating room much less the operating room itself or counting or anything..…one minute its 7:45 am and the next I am back in recovery on same bed and its 3:30 PM although I did dream briefly about rainbow colors…..the next thing I know I am being awaked by the voice of the nurse …..”Melissa” ……
The “night of living hell” that followed is a night I shall always remember for as long as I live. That night was the period of time following my surgery and “awaking for the first time in recovering room lying on back with my head wrapped in bandages and a device that felt like my head had been placed in a tight vice. I could see a slit of white light from right eye and nothing from my left. Sounds around me included machines and nurses talking to others and doctors mumbling. My head hurt so much and drugs still dripped in my body. I was finally taken to my patient room and reunited with Paula and the dreadful, long, dreary night began. I would not have made it through that night BUT for the love and patience of my sweet Paula. My sweet, tender girl got me through that dreadfully long night! I slept maybe two hours that night between 4:30 PM and 6:30 AM- the point at which they finally came in to change the bandages. Paula said I fell right to sleep after the removed the binder and changed the dressing for a few more hours. How could I sleep? Wrapped so tightly I felt I would choke on the blood that dripped into my throat and made me gag and the binding so tight it made it hard to even swallow. With my mouth so dry and lips so swollen I could not suck fluids and pouring in anything in while I lay down caused me to spit it up and choke. Tears streamed down my battered face. I could not breathe due to the swelling and clogging of my restructured nose.
I only survived by Paula distracting me with talk, spooning me ice chips into my parched mouth, holding my hand and rubbing my feet with massages. I knew if I could just hold on until 6:30 AM in morning the staff would come and take off the extremely tighter binder. But13-14 hours was a long, dark and painful time. The minutes passed so slowly and I was lost in darkness. I begged for it to be 6:30 AM. It was the longest night of my life for sure. However, Paula’s love and devotion for me saved me that night and in the morning I felt so much better when they removed the restrictive binding I actually ate a good breakfast after dozing back to sleep for a while – a soft one for sure but a good one with eggs, applesauce juice and milk. I had survived the roughest night and each day thereafter was to get a little better. Paula helped get me ready after another round of food at lunch which including cream of chicken soup and pudding. Delicacies for sure !! Now, it was time to head to base camp…otherwise known as “Camp 517” for recovery. I named it in honor of our room number.
The recovery has been difficult though as I have not left the confines of “Camp 517” as I have affectionately renamed the fortress Paula and I have built here in our hotel suite nearby the hospital. I feel like some criminals on the run hiding out and holing up in some room somewhere to escape the search of law enforcement officials. Paula and I have built base camp here. We have food and water and our supplies seem to be holding up well. I have a vaporizer going 24/7 which keeps my passages open and after a few days I stop spitting up blood. By day three following the surgery I was even back to drinking my java which helped get me “regular” again along with some pills. One of the “great” side effects of anesthesia is that it produces a bit of clogging of the old pipes and I was under the stuff for about seven hours of work on the operating table. Food is cooked as needed as my hours have been irregular for sure as I slipped in and out of drug induced comas all through the days and nights sometimes sleeping at 2:00PM and wide awake at 3:30 AM. We occupy our time by reading books, magazines and playing cards (Paula and I have the longest running Gin Rummy game going in history) We watch TV or we catch up a bit on the computer or listen to music. I live a life this week of regular icings, soft foods, struggling with stitches in places you usually don’t find them, applying creams and lotions and resting. My schedule is so out of whack I am usually up by 3:30 in morning each night and walking around in my wrapped bruised and swollen head I look like I am in the walk of the zombies from some cheap horror B-movie. I hope each day I slowly spin out of this and feel better as the new face takes shape. It seems like that is happening but slowly…..
I also want to thank all my friends who have called and wished me well or left messages for me on the computer or e-mail or who have sent me cards and flowers. I have many wonderful friends and a few remnants of my old family who have supported me. There are others in my family I wish would call to wish me well but that is not to happen. Paula has been a wonderful nursemaid, getting ice from the ice machine, changing the dressings and helping me bathe and cooking some of the food as well as going out for some supplies. . She is the most loving person and her love is endless. Paula loves her friends, her family and she loves her girl Melissa and I know I would not have survived this process without her. She not only provided assistance but also her love and comfort. Time will heal the wounds and each day I get a little better. More ice, more rest, more medicine and another visit to the doctor await. Swelling and bruising dissipate and scars fade over time. Soon the world will see the “new” Melissa for the first time….. ..…however, she is the same girl that has always been there ….but now the world will see her more easily and the shell that once covered and hid her for so long was chiseled away at BMC at the hands of Dr. Spiegel and all the wonderful staff there, through the long, slow recovery at Camp 517 and the caring warmth of my love Paula.
As a result of the complicated surgery performed the forehead is now smooth and flat through grinding and contouring and packing and plastering and the brows are raised to accentuate my baby blues. My nose was redefined by the surgeon to fit the new forehead and brow, made smaller and turned up at the end a bit to flare the nostrils upward. Dr. Spiegel was happy with all the work but he was particularly pleased with his touches to the nose. At this point it is still hard to tell since it wrapped and shielded. It is the one piece of work I have not fully seen since it is shielded for a few more days. My lips are fuller and turned up toward the nose and my jaw line and neck are smoother and narrower and make my chin more defined and more contoured to that of a woman. Some of this has been difficult to see because of swelling but that will resolve in a couple more weeks. In time, I will be presentable but in months when things really settle down I will see the full effects of the work. Regardless, I will look different than I ever have and not as easily mistaken for the wrong gender anymore. There is no going back now and I did not want to. Despite the extensive pain and aftercare I would need I was so very calm as I walked into that hospital that Thursday morning – as calm as I had ever been for about to something as dramatic as I was about to do considering its consequences-both short and long term on my life. I had been at peace with this decision for months. I have found peace with myself and my life as who I truly am as a person…Melissa. Now I will look far more like the person I always saw myself as but hid away from so many for so long. If there were any of the old “shell fragments left they got clobbered by ball bats for sure. I had never been under anesthesia before in my life so I had no idea what to expect. I laid there in Preparation room as the IV was started and talked with nurse and two med students who were observing. They were curious about transgendered people and wanted to know more and neither had seen this surgery before. We had a wonderful chat about being transgendered, FFS, GRS and all kinds of issues. I remember answering some questions raised by the anesthesiologist and going over final plans with Dr. Spiegel and giving thumbs up after removing my contacts. I never remember even seeing the hallway to the operating room much less the operating room itself or counting or anything..…one minute its 7:45 am and the next I am back in recovery on same bed and its 3:30 PM although I did dream briefly about rainbow colors…..the next thing I know I am being awaked by the voice of the nurse …..”Melissa” ……
The “night of living hell” that followed is a night I shall always remember for as long as I live. That night was the period of time following my surgery and “awaking for the first time in recovering room lying on back with my head wrapped in bandages and a device that felt like my head had been placed in a tight vice. I could see a slit of white light from right eye and nothing from my left. Sounds around me included machines and nurses talking to others and doctors mumbling. My head hurt so much and drugs still dripped in my body. I was finally taken to my patient room and reunited with Paula and the dreadful, long, dreary night began. I would not have made it through that night BUT for the love and patience of my sweet Paula. My sweet, tender girl got me through that dreadfully long night! I slept maybe two hours that night between 4:30 PM and 6:30 AM- the point at which they finally came in to change the bandages. Paula said I fell right to sleep after the removed the binder and changed the dressing for a few more hours. How could I sleep? Wrapped so tightly I felt I would choke on the blood that dripped into my throat and made me gag and the binding so tight it made it hard to even swallow. With my mouth so dry and lips so swollen I could not suck fluids and pouring in anything in while I lay down caused me to spit it up and choke. Tears streamed down my battered face. I could not breathe due to the swelling and clogging of my restructured nose.
I only survived by Paula distracting me with talk, spooning me ice chips into my parched mouth, holding my hand and rubbing my feet with massages. I knew if I could just hold on until 6:30 AM in morning the staff would come and take off the extremely tighter binder. But13-14 hours was a long, dark and painful time. The minutes passed so slowly and I was lost in darkness. I begged for it to be 6:30 AM. It was the longest night of my life for sure. However, Paula’s love and devotion for me saved me that night and in the morning I felt so much better when they removed the restrictive binding I actually ate a good breakfast after dozing back to sleep for a while – a soft one for sure but a good one with eggs, applesauce juice and milk. I had survived the roughest night and each day thereafter was to get a little better. Paula helped get me ready after another round of food at lunch which including cream of chicken soup and pudding. Delicacies for sure !! Now, it was time to head to base camp…otherwise known as “Camp 517” for recovery. I named it in honor of our room number.
The recovery has been difficult though as I have not left the confines of “Camp 517” as I have affectionately renamed the fortress Paula and I have built here in our hotel suite nearby the hospital. I feel like some criminals on the run hiding out and holing up in some room somewhere to escape the search of law enforcement officials. Paula and I have built base camp here. We have food and water and our supplies seem to be holding up well. I have a vaporizer going 24/7 which keeps my passages open and after a few days I stop spitting up blood. By day three following the surgery I was even back to drinking my java which helped get me “regular” again along with some pills. One of the “great” side effects of anesthesia is that it produces a bit of clogging of the old pipes and I was under the stuff for about seven hours of work on the operating table. Food is cooked as needed as my hours have been irregular for sure as I slipped in and out of drug induced comas all through the days and nights sometimes sleeping at 2:00PM and wide awake at 3:30 AM. We occupy our time by reading books, magazines and playing cards (Paula and I have the longest running Gin Rummy game going in history) We watch TV or we catch up a bit on the computer or listen to music. I live a life this week of regular icings, soft foods, struggling with stitches in places you usually don’t find them, applying creams and lotions and resting. My schedule is so out of whack I am usually up by 3:30 in morning each night and walking around in my wrapped bruised and swollen head I look like I am in the walk of the zombies from some cheap horror B-movie. I hope each day I slowly spin out of this and feel better as the new face takes shape. It seems like that is happening but slowly…..
I also want to thank all my friends who have called and wished me well or left messages for me on the computer or e-mail or who have sent me cards and flowers. I have many wonderful friends and a few remnants of my old family who have supported me. There are others in my family I wish would call to wish me well but that is not to happen. Paula has been a wonderful nursemaid, getting ice from the ice machine, changing the dressings and helping me bathe and cooking some of the food as well as going out for some supplies. . She is the most loving person and her love is endless. Paula loves her friends, her family and she loves her girl Melissa and I know I would not have survived this process without her. She not only provided assistance but also her love and comfort. Time will heal the wounds and each day I get a little better. More ice, more rest, more medicine and another visit to the doctor await. Swelling and bruising dissipate and scars fade over time. Soon the world will see the “new” Melissa for the first time….. ..…however, she is the same girl that has always been there ….but now the world will see her more easily and the shell that once covered and hid her for so long was chiseled away at BMC at the hands of Dr. Spiegel and all the wonderful staff there, through the long, slow recovery at Camp 517 and the caring warmth of my love Paula.
Pictured above is me taken by Paula three hours after my long stint on the OR Table ..........thoughts include ..."how many rounds did she go with the champ?"..........."who awoke the mummies?" ............"Did anyone get the license of the semi, truck, train or bus that hit that poor girl?"....
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