Against the Grain

Sometimes in this world it is OK to go against the grain such as when you know that important values such as freedom or dignity are at stake. Sometimes in nature creatures such as fish like salmon go against the grain as part of their maturation process of life. However, for a transgendered person going against the grain is what causes all the stress and turmoil and conflict in our life and is exactly what causes me the greatest challenge next to what I discussed last week about discrimination and male privilege in my post transitional life. See my life started on the wrong track…the wrong path and I must now deal with the consequences of the same and work to correct these defects in my indoctrination into life.
When I was born, some medical staff personal looked down upon my tiny infant body and saw what to them was a male anatomy. No one asked me for my assessment…for my feelings or views and even if they did I could not discuss it at that tiny stage in my life. I did not discover that I felt different than other “boys” until I was six or seven years old when I first acted on what I felt inside of me was that of a girl……but by then it was too late. I had already been tracked into the male camp and the indoctrination of male values and thinking was being crammed into me by society, parents and teachers. It’s like boys and girls early on in childhood are treated relatively the same as we travelled the same road of life. Somewhere along the way the road widens and we are pushed to one side of it based upon our physical gender and not our inner essence. Shortly thereafter the road separates and “boys” are sent to one camp for training and “girls” to the other camp- again all based on outward appearance and not how we feel about who we truly are in life.
Once we are separated into these camps the indoctrination begins in full force and for those of us in the group where our inner spirit and outer shell do not coincide with each other, we are left fighting against the grain. In my case I was told I was a boy and boys do certain things. We do not express emotion except anger, we are tougher and we play physical sports. Later on we are told by our peers that woman are for our pleasure but don’t get too emotionally attached. We are told that the appendage we have down between our legs entitles us to a privilege in society – an inner circle of power and control. We are taught aggression and to lead and be in control and so on so forth. The training and upbringing runs contrary to our inner souls when one is transgendered. We know it does not fit but we try to fit in so we adapt the only teachings we are given – even if they do not fit who we are as people. The conflict, guilt and repression leads to so many problems which we try to resolve by the improper indoctrination we have been given since just after we came into the world. The conflicts create crises we struggle to resolve and this going against the grain only causes more issues and problems for us.
Meanwhile, over in the girls’ camp, the indoctrination is vastly different and if one is transgendered by virtue of being FtoM TS the same conflicts arise but the indoctrination is again an issue. Females are taught different values and concepts than males. Emotions are handled differently and indoctrination is more focused about their bodies and how to use their femininity to get things. Maybe the best learning process came from other woman through the interactions which occur among woman in society through sleepovers as teenagers to close circles of friends that evolve over the course of life’s journey. Unfortunately, I did not get to participate in these groups or the training process that society lays out for those it deems to be female based on physical assessments made at birth and not one’s true essence and spirit.
Now here I am- a post transitional woman whose body now reflects her inner essence and being but who had the wrong training during my formative years. I now live in the world against the grain. It’s like I need to go back to the time the road separated early in my life and this time to take the right route that leads me to where the girls were gathered and taught about life as a female and learned about their bodies and actions as women in life. Almost every bit of indoctrination I received ran contrary and against the grain of what I should have received to match my inner soul and essence of whom I truly was but for the physical defects I came into the world with far too many years ago. Yes I have learned much from my interaction with women over the years and this has helped. However, it cannot replace the early indoctrination that other females received that I was denied by virtue of decisions made for me based on appearances.
I view this path against the grain as well as the issues I discussed last week on male privilege and discrimination to be my greatest challenges as a post transitional woman. I see them as far more daunting and challenging barriers than anything I have done physically and I have done a good deal physically! I intend to enjoy my life, I intend to combat the undeserved male privilege wherever I can in my journey and I plan on continuing my interaction with those of my true gender of a woman absorbing as much as I can to deal with the lack of learning in this area I did not receive as a young person in life. These are the challenges that a post operative transgendered woman faces and they require as much courage and strength if not more than what was needed to come out and be one’s true self and go through the challenges of physical transition. I will with the help of many friends and acquaintances work to unlearn much of what I learned in my younger years and continue to struggle “against the grain”. I know I can be successful in taking on these challenges.

Second and Third Class Citizenship and the "Male Privilege"

Last week I wrote about the physical changes in my life since my gender conformation surgery and it involved a bit of humorous look at some things but with a very significant conclusion- I am so very happy to have my body and anatomy now reflect my true spirit and my essence and end the conflict which had gone on for much of my life. I welcome the changes openly and with much happiness indeed! However, these are far more serious issues which confront my new life in the female gender which go well beyond my physical changes. The changes worry me a great deal and pose the greatest obstacles to my journey along the path of life as a woman and post op transgendered woman. It is these obstacles and issues that I would like to focus on in this and next week’s blog.
I have faced many in my former life inside the shell who have questioned my decision to come out and let the world know the real me – Melissa Marie Alexander. Some of these people and almost exclusively the males have questioned my decision to live life as the person I truly am instead of continuing to live the lie I perpetrated for so long because they see the move to expose my true gender from the shell as one involving step down the ladder as they and many in society see it. My God why would anyone want to become a woman when they lived the life (even if it was a lie) of a male and a white male at that? Women, as they see it, are second class citizens subservient to men. Let’s face it- women have been seen as second class citizens in this country despite its founding principles because the country was founded by white men. It took another 150 years before woman could even be allowed to cast a vote in this country. Forty-four US Presidents and not a single one of them a woman (and no wonder we still have so many problems here!)
Women face significant challenges in the workplace including many glass ceilings and disparate treatment even when they excel at what they do. I know for example that my old law firm was slow in the hiring of a woman lawyer and the first partner of the female gender in the firm did not occur until the early eighties. When I was recruited to the firm the class of new lawyers was four “men” I put that in quotation only because I was included in that class. Apparently the choice of my slot came down to between me another woman and I was hired instead of her. Because my true identity was hidden deep beneath my shell I was deemed to be accorded the so called “male privilege” that fosters the exclusion or disparate treatment of women in our male dominated society. I recall several instances where the male attorneys in the firm and in the bar at large would refer to female attorneys with statements such as “she is a good female lawyer” instead of she is a good lawyer. We already know her gender so obviously the statement implies that female lawyers are judged by a different standard than of that applied to non female lawyers. Another example was another of my colleagues referring to the fact that “she took the adverse decision like a man” What in the Sam Hell does that mean? Again it simply implies that women are held to different standards than men in our society.
Don’t get me wrong I benefited from the so called “male privilege” despite the fact I did not deserve it but further more why does it exist in the first place? Just because over two hundred years ago white men, based primarily on Biblical influences, which is a document written by men for the benefit and empowerment of men, controlled everything and made the laws does that mean that in the twenty- first century this so called male privilege should continue to exist and women treated as second class citizens? Sure there are differences between men and women however these differences do not relegate women to the second class status many males believe should continue to exist in our society. That is why so many men have trouble with M to F transsexuals. Why (in their mind) would any male want to take the step down the ladder to live life as a female? I am sure that just as I am changing all my legal documents recently to reflect my true gender status as a female I must be getting some papers sent to me somewhere by the “Good ole Boys “ association dismissing me from the group and stripping me of a privilege which has no right to even exist in this society! I recall the jokes that were shared with me by those in this male privilege regarding women which displayed how many men truly felt about the so called softer gender.
I have become a second class citizen in my country by virtue of my transition to live life in my true gender of a woman. Hell, some people can rightfully argue that because I am a transgendered woman as well that I actually fall in the category of third class citizen. That is why many transgendered people and especially transwomen attempt to go stealth after the surgeries so at least they are only discriminated against for being a woman and not a transwomen. I will now face significant and pervasive discrimination that will dramatically impede my ability to find new work. It is tough enough to find work in a difficult economy without being thrown into the jaws of discrimination. Will I be judged on my education, my degrees, my work experiences and skills or even my drive and work ethic when it comes to hiring or promotions? Most likely not if the decision maker is one in the class of the male privilege. In that case, the decision will likely be made on the fact that I either have a vagina or I now have a vagina but did not always have one. Either way- I’m screwed! Another case in point is my current professional group decided they did not want me to serve again on the Board of Directors despite my willingness to do so. Let’s see- this year the incoming President is a male and the chair of the Nominating Committee is a male. I have been told however that there is interest in having me return in 2010-2011 year to the Board. It is interesting to note that the following year the President will be a woman and the chair of the nominating committee will be a woman. Hmmmmm……I don’t think much more be said here on this do you?
I am not going to take discrimination against me – either as a woman or a transgendered woman sitting down that is for sure. I am not going to let a bunch of macho males espousing some claim to “male privilege” stand in my way of achieving my goals in life or from making a living. However this issue is one that concerns me and stands as a great challenge to me and many other transgendered women in our society. I have many so many of my sisters over the years that when I ask them what they do for a living , they tell me what they use to do before they came out and transitioned but sadly their talents are wasted afterward as they are unemployed! It worries me far more any physical change which has occurred as a result of all these procedures over the last several months. Dr. McGinn should have written on my affidavit that Melissa Marie Alexander is fully female …..and therefore must relinquish her entitlement to “male privilege” previously bestowed upon her by virtue of her wonderfully executed façade of pretending to be a male and furthermore subject herself to second class citizenship, discrimination, glass ceilings and misperceptions (and not mention the butt of much male humor)………………….I know that there are some good males out there in society who don’t think in stride with those who exercise their male privilege. Almost all of the gay men I have met in our GBLT community are like this and a few other straight ones as well-but the majority of males in our society cling to this male privilege and reinforce its presence on a daily basis. Maybe someday it will all change and the so called male privilege will end and woman will be treated as true equals in society. Maybe someday a woman might even become President of the United States and get a chance to show that even after over two hundred years of male rule of the country that it takes a woman to come in and clean up the mess which was created by all those other years of leadership by those in the male privilege. Maybe someday transwomen will rise from the status of third class citizens as well in society and that we can be judged on our talents, experiences, training, passions, education and commitment instead of what our bodies use to look like when we were pretending and living life in a shell that afforded us the benefit of a privilege that we did not deserve and which does not even need to exist in our modern society.

First Impressions

Well I have had these new body parts for a few weeks now and there has been some adjustments indeed so I thought I would take the opportunity with this blog to assess my first impressions of this new life with the right anatomy although I have much more to go to learn about it and to continue my journey spiritually as well. The surgical procedures did more than just change my anatomy. Heck they even affected my internal thermometer. My ex- wife would be roaring with ironic laughter right now! I have always been a very warm blooded soul who more likely than not overheated and always felt so warm that I cranked up the AC in the house and in the car to ice box levels. Ice cycles hung from my ceiling of my house and formed on the inside of my car windows! Even at my old office my secretary wore a sweater all summer to keep herself warm while sometimes I still overheated while working at my desk. The raging battle at my old household was for control of the thermostat with my ex seeking to turn up the temp and me turning it down. I operated in the household with shorts and a t- shirt while she wore long pants and used blankets. I remember one time I owned a car with dual climate control and my ex-wife absolutely loved it. Each side of the car differed by twenty degrees in temperature and I am not exaggerating either! They all would be laughing now- my ex and my old secretary watching me shiver in a restaurant and sit in a room without the AC going or putting on a jacket to go into a store to keep warm. I guess I had it coming. Even Paula who is more coldblooded in nature is happy and smirking that my thermostat is now more in line with hers……Somehow I am not seeing the humor in all this!
And just so I can experience what cold really is in contrast to, nothing of course suits postop TS better than those lovely hot flashes which have you ripping off the sheets and wanting to strip naked as your body temp rises to a near boiling level. Yes, post op TS woman experience what post menopausal women experience in terms of hot flashes. Whoooooooooooo Nelly – those are sure fun! I even broke down and got one of those little battery operated fans to blow on me when an episode strikes. I remember my mother having one of those and using it frequently after her hysterectomy. Great- I have further evidence I have become my mother…..This is not funny!
Then of course I did not get to experience the “joys” of using feminine protection during my early years of my life due to my birth defects of being born with the wrong body parts. However, no woman should go through life without such an experience and post operative TS woman get to use this protection every day for about six months and I am changing the pad three to four times a day. If I had known this stuff was going to get used this much I would have invested in stock of these companies long ago! I could be floating in money by now! And let’s not forget those feminine wipes. Let’s see…some for the upstairs bathroom and some for the downstairs bathroom and don’t forget to put some in your purse for travel use. Yeah- I will stick them right next to the extra pad I carry around in my purse- like there was not enough stuff accumulating in the purse already!
Dr. McGinn, my surgeon utilizes the most aggressive schedule for dilation of any surgeon in the world. Her strategy is similar to the voting strategy of my old stomping ground in southern West “By God “Virginia where crooked politicians (are there really any not so crooked ones?) encourage you to vote early and vote often and vote even if you are dead! Dr. McGinn follows this approach and requires her patients to dilate six times a day for the first eight weeks. To be quite honest, like that of my good old West Virginians, I am not sure that death is an excuse not to vote or not to dilate. I figure I am spending time preparing to dilate, the dilation time itself and then clean up from the dilation- so easily this occupy a good five hours of my day. Considering I try to get a good night’s sleep that is a good chunk of my waking time indeed. When asked what my occupation is I should just say I am a “dilation specialist.”
Now the bathroom thing is no big deal since I have been using woman’s restrooms ever since I began presenting in my true gender identity and I am very comfortable sitting to pee and even did so at my residences. I actually enjoy sitting down to pee. There was one and only one advantage to the old genitals as I actually saw it and that was when you had to go badly and the only “bathroom” around was some old rusty, stinky, filthy gas station restroom that looked like World War Three had broken out or even worse- a porta potty where thoughtless men have urinated and such all over the “lovely” seats that sit over a hole! That was the time and the only time to revert to the old reliable method in the vertical position with the directional spout.. That is no longer an option however! My friend Anne talked the other day about trying to pee in nature on a camping trip with her Girl Scout Troop and doing the squatting thing…..I can just see it now …how many pairs of shoes do I need to bring with me to try that stunt? My doctor did not let me, or anyone else who just got their catheter out, to leave her office without demonstrating we can pee so after she removed the packing and catheter I sat in her lobby and drank five bottles of water in near chugging fashion until I hurriedly moved to the bathroom to demonstrate I could pee. I will say this however, a few drips on the butt cheeks and down the back of the leg are not uncommon -but it’s no big deal.
Really, I jest a bit with regard to the physical changes I have experienced since this miracle surgery which still blows my mind. So what if there are a few drips in the sitting to pee method and someone has to make some money on pads, panty liners and feminine wipes. I don’t care if I need a jacket or blanket now and then -even in the summer and my little fan is kind of cute. I furthermore don’t care if Dr. McGinn wants me to dilate ten times a day. None of these things matter! For the first time in my life I can look down upon my body and gaze upon the body that I knew all along should have been there and it is so incredibly beautiful to me! Even my panties fit better and my skin grows softer and softer by the day!
It is not the physical changes that concern me at all! However, in the coming weeks I will address the issues that really do concern me -which focus much more on the societal pressures and emotional challenges that now stand in my path of my journey as Melissa. But as for the body, I am so happy that my body now fully reflects my soul, my spirit and essence for the first time in my life! I will however try to avoid tailgate parties that utilize porta potties and decline invitations for long extended hikes in the woods or camping trips but on the other hand maybe all the summer humidity won’t be a so much a problem as it use to be with the old thermostat! I wish again to thank everyone for their kind words and thoughts and prayers during this process and my recovery. Hugs to all my friends and my sisters and brothers in my community and beyond!

Recovery, Sisters and the Greatest Gift

The last day in the hospital and transfer to the hotel after my discharge and instructions from the nurses and Dr. McGinn was a triumphant one for me and one of accomplishment for me in a very beautiful but difficult week. Kiddingly, Dr. McGinn referred to me by Thursday as her senior and three other girls underwent GCS or GCS and BA following my lead on Monday. Terry, the mid fifties lawyer from NJ had her procedures performed on Tuesday and she pretty much operated on her own without support. Barah the 29 year old local gal whose job is best described as “the female Homer Simpson with intelligence” had her surgeries on Wednesday and she had several friends with her for support. She unfortunately needed it as she had the biggest setback of all as she tore a stitch straining to expunge gas and had to have it repaired and the administration of two pints of blood. She cried a lot after it happened and she was depressed understandably. Barah gave me the best compliment on Thursday when I came to see her on my limited walks with a walker and held her hand and tried to comfort her ….she said “ Melissa your hand is so soft and feminine” Paula also visited her as well as Terry since she had no one with her. On Thursday, Marcy from Orlando Florida (the freshman) underwent her procedures and she had only visits from her previously estranged father of 15 years and of course our floor angel Paula as well as myself during my brief walks. We would be the class of the week of May 18th and the last of the month of May for Christine McGinn.
As I mentioned all of us struggled with the pressure of gas due to the fact we had purged for days and only slowly had regained appetites. I know I did not pass gas until the nurses stood me to stand on Wednesday morning and I was embarrassed as I did so in front of them but they said “Don’t worry Melissa…let her rip”. By Thursday night I was expunging the gas pressure buildup so frequently that when my physician asked about it I responded by saying that “ I have not passed so much gas since when I was in my college days and went to White Castle after a night of beer drinking at the clubs” . Dr. McGinn who always tries to maintain friendliness but decorum almost lost it with my reply and instead said on that note; she would see me in the morning.
Paula and I showed up at the hotel on Friday night and she got me to the room where I collapsed on the bed. I would be still wearing the catheter and have my packing in from the surgery. I was weak and had trouble bending, pulling myself out of bed or getting myself onto the toilet and walking or standing were only tolerable. Despite the pain and discomfort as I mentioned in the first part of this discussion last week I had made a conscious effort to wean myself from all the drug so I took my last pain pill on Friday night and never touched them again. The other girls including several twenty years my junior kept pounding them like candy for many more than the five days I took them and one took hers every four hours regularly. They did not understand how I tolerated the pain and discomfort without the pain medications. I am not sure how I did it myself except I am notorious for going down hard early and then coming back strong and dealing with the pain. Secondly, I pushed myself to walk everyday and many chose not to do so – choosing instead to stay in their hotel room because they did not look the best (like that was even possible after what we all had just undergone. Also many did not like getting out and about with all the packing in or catheter attached but I did not let these things stop me.
Three times a day I walked the floors of the hotel, I bought several long stretch cotton flowing peasant skirts which I use to conceal the catheter. As for the walk well it was not very lady like as they say and more resembled a cowboy after a long hard ride but you try walking with 12 feet of packing shoved up your cavity and we will see how you do indeed! Walking and resting and taking my vitamins and antibiotics began my daily course for several days. By Monday night I wanted to tear the packing out myself and remove the catheter and I could not wait for Tuesday morning and my first post op visit to Dr. McGinn’s office. The first thing I learned to do when arrived there was, even with some soreness and stiffness, to get into the stirrup chair. I will have to say that really does put one in a very open and vulnerable position for sure. Dr. McGinn then removed about twelve feet of packing from my new vagina and Paula counted the feet as they came out. Do you remember the old magic trick where the magician pulls out the scarf that never seems to end out of the hat? That trick pales in comparison to what my surgeon did in the removal of the packing. Then came the separation of my catheter which had been my restroom for eight days by my physician. After all the removals had been accomplished the moment of truth was upon us as she lowered a mirror down to reflect her work and my new anatomy – one that would finally reflect my true essence of a woman. I was stunned and overcome with emotion as she did this ….there it was …my vagina. She told me about all the swelling and scars and bruising but despite all those things it was the most beautiful reflection to ever come from that area of my body. I almost cried and Paula said I begin to glow radiantly. I could not believe the ugly parts that never felt right on my body were gone and they were replaced by a beautiful vagina. Dr. McGinn then conducted neew anatomy 101 and went through all the specs on my new correct genitalia. This was followed by first gift……....a package containing two dilators that I soon would become my new “best friends”. The smaller one was pinkish color and I later nicknamed it “The Pink Lady” and the larger powder blue one I nicknamed affectionately “Mistress Blue” I suspect Mistress Blue was going to hurt a bit ….LOL. Dr. McGinn demonstrated the process of dilating and then had me do it under her supervision. Everything went smoothly and I was now on her rigorous schedule of dilation as Dr. McGinn requires dilation six times a day for the for the first eight weeks before dropping to four and so forth over time. No other physician performing this surgery requires this level of frequency but she believes optimal results are obtained with a very rigorous dilation schedule and so my life over the initial 8 weeks will be spent largely in recovery and in cycle of regular and frequent dilations! After we left Dr. McGinn’s office I returned to the hotel and enjoyed the pleasures of a hot steamy shower- the first one in eight days. Oh My God did it feel so good…real body wash, hot water, shampoo and conditioner ….it was like heaven and I will admit I was not good with water conservation on that use but after eight long days I needed it badly!!! After freshening up I got comfortable on the bed and did my first dilation on my own. In time, I knew I would grow far more comfortable with the process.
On Wednesday, Paula and I went out to pick up some supplies after dining Tuesday evening with Terry the woman who had her surgery the day after mine. She is a practicing lawyer in New York and NJ. She immigrated from England and still carries the English accent. She is a delightful gal and hopes to find a nice gentleman to spend her time with after she recovers from all this we went through. Paula looked in on her a great deal during the week while she recovered at the hotel. Paula and I also decided on Wednesday to pick up some pies and a thank you card for the nursing staff who took such good care of me during my stay. It was good to see the ladies again and they were so surprised to see me and talked about how wonderful I looked and clearly appreciated the gesture of our gifts and cards. I truly could not believe how these people provided such outstanding care and each one of them before they left their last shift before I left came up to me and held my hand and wished me well in my future. I was deeply touched by their warmth and the outstanding care they provided! .
We ate dinner that night with the young friends of the girl who had her surgery two days after me named Barah. Barah had had a bit of a rough time and was now cautious and did not join us. She is a beautiful young girl who was the local gal living only thirty minutes away. She is a control operator at a nuclear power plant. Yes- she is the female Homer Simpson although with a wee bit more intelligence than that of the bumbling cartoon character. Her friends Kate and Lindsey were great company. Barah like Terry also is interested in finding a guy to date now that her physical transition is complete. She got her catheter and packing out on Thursday shortly after my second visit to Dr. McGinn. At this visit,Dr. McGinn did some revisions, rechecked the depth and approved my departure. She also gave me two wonderful gifts. The first was my affidavits that I would be able to use to change my gender marker on my legal documents. I loved reading it. The second gift was a butterfly necklace made from a wing of butterfly that had died naturally. It was beautiful and it represented my freedom to soar as my true self- Melissa. I had now emerged fully from the shell that trapped me for so long to soar as the beautiful butterfly I am and always have been in my life!
We dined with Barah and Terry and Barah’s good friend Kate on Thursday and we all hugged one another and promised to stay in touch. On Friday Paula and I spent several hours visiting the girl who had her surgery four days after me and she was still in some pain. She was a young beautiful girl who does hard outdoor work despite her petite frame and stature. She spoke Spanish fluently and had immigrated to Florida from Uruguay. Marcy had only recently reconnected with her father who was obviously struggling with her child being transgendered. Marcy also would like to find a nice man to date. Yes- I was the only lesbian in the girls of week of May 18th. Sometimes I wonder why but more and more girls seem to seek men as their partner after transition either because of society’s pressures to fit in after an already stressful life or sometimes maybe the need to validate themselves as woman with the traditional fare of a man. I am glad they will find happiness in their partners following transition. The softness and sweetness and passion of another woman somehow escape these girls but I am not sure why this occurs. I hope each of my sisters who shared my time with as we went through the surgery and recovery together find peace and happiness in their journey. To each their own, of course and each must find their own path in this journey. I wish them nothing but sheer happiness for life is best filled with happiness than with misery for sure!
After packing few things and getting some dinner, Paula and I prepared for our return trip home where I would continue my recovery. I feel stronger each day and getting more strength back as I exercise by walking and resting in between the frequent dilations. Just about the time I get myself back to a good comfort level with my strength and recovery it will be time to do this all again – albeit with the roles reversed and Paula undergoing the process. She knows what to expect and I know what she will be feeling. I will need to find my strength to be her supportive loving partner and help her get through all of this surgery and recovery. It is her time to shine and the focus must be all on her and her needs! I hope I can be as good in this role as she was for me in mine. I wonder whether any other girls will be undergoing their surgery that week with her and if so I wonder whether any will have partners or even be lesbians. I know she will be happy to gaze down upon the work of Dr. McGinn and see the reflection she always felt should have been reflected back in the mirror. In the meantime …..I think it is either time for me to walk, take some vitamins and supplements or dilate again so I bid you all a farewell till next time …..Thanks again for all your loving support and kindness during my surgery and recovery! Hugs, Melissa
I hope you enjoy the slide show of my journey in New Hope and if you want to read the sptions for the pics you will need to keep the curser in play so the film strip shows on the side which pics advance…….

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