Holiday Cheer and the Christmas Spirit

Those of you that know me pretty well know that my favorite holiday season is Christmas. Always has been and probably always will be. I love the season for many reasons – some very silly reasons and others much more deep and complex. Some of the silly reasons include the fact there is the opportunity to decorate your home and make it much more festive than it usually is during other parts of the year and this year is no different just because Paula and I live in a townhouse apartment. Many people in our church were shocked the other day to find out in a survey our minister did during his sermon that we have four trees up in the “homestead”. Now prey tell were does one put up four trees in an apartment? Well all of them are seven feet and under and the littlest is about a foot tall.

One tree is the main one in our living room and it is red, green and white lights and decorations of ornaments I have collected from everywhere I have travelled around the world. There is a smaller tree in the alcove near our dining area which highlights the Santa’s and elves I have including one wind up Santa which was bought by my grandmother in the 1930’s. Other decorations adorn shelves and tables and some throw pillows for chairs and couches. I put lights in our kitchen window and lighted garland leads the way to the second floor where a small tree appears in our bedroom and another larger one in my office window. That one is done in blue and silver lights and ornaments. Finally, a wreath on the door and small inside door knob decorations finish off the touch along with some candles and a poinsettia. The last touch of course is the hanging of Paula and I’s stockings for the jolly old elf to fill up with goodies!

Another reason I love the season is all the parties and sharing of food, drink and fun with many wonderful friends we are blessed to have in our lives. I love sending and receiving holiday cards and greetings with friends as well. I also love to bake and Christmas means the opportunity to bake delightful treats. I usually bake between 7-9 different kinds of cookies and bars for the holidays. I am even having one of our friends’ daughters come over to help me so I can teach her how to do press cookies. I will admit that all these parties and treats do not do much for one’s waistline but life is short so take a bit of time off and enjoy and stick to diets and exercise the other 11 months of the year. I know the week of Christmas itself Paula and I will be helping prepare the Sunday dinner at the Y family shelter for 150 plus people. We look forward to this and we decided to get some small toy presents for the children there as well. Paula and I decided after some prayerful contemplation to take over the coordinating of this outreach program for 2010. Paula and I also “adopted” Anne and Marie’s children for the Christmas season and we had a blast going out buying them each a present for Christmas and we plan to have them all over with their moms to celebrate together and watch them open their presents. We also plan to take them over to the Columbus Zoo to see the holiday lights display.

That week is also a time off for me and I will relax and watch some holiday movies including Scrooged, A Christmas Story and the mother of all Christmas comedies- Christmas Vacation. I always watch my favorite holiday production- A Christmas Carol performed so admirably by the talents of George C. Scott. Paula and I are going see the production as well at our friend Lyn’s church this weekend. I will cook us a nice holiday dinner that week as well and on Christmas Eve we will go to a friend’s house for a shared meal together for those without blood families to go to on Christmas. I say blood relatives because I have a family here in Columbus but it is not related by blood (those people all rejected me) but one connected by love and friendship. I cherish these people deeply and they are my chosen family! Christmas Eve will also mean a lovely Christmas Eve service at our church and then home for “long winter’s nap” before waking up to celebrate Christmas morning with Paula. Later that day we will gather with more of our extended chosen family for a movie and dinner.

The holidays are a wonderful time also for hope, love and peace which are some mighty wonderful things. It is a time of year when humans are more inclined to “open their hearts to their fellow creatures” and show acts of kindness and love to others who are less fortunate and in need. It is not the fact that we should be doing this everyday of the year but it seems to get done a little better during the holidays. It is a time of year when people laugh a little more and feel more kindness and warmth inside. For one time a year “we become the people we always knew we could be” (again seeing how well people remember these lines from the movies). Peace on earth is a nice saying and I hold out hope that someday this may be a reality for us and not merely a wish but it is going to take a long journey to get there.

Love and hope also have special meaning for meaning I as get ready to spend another holiday season away from my children who I love so dearly. I would consider the best gift (even better than a Red Rider B-B gun) I could receive this or any Christmas is for my children to end their silence and rejection of me and to begin reconciliation with me by picking up the phone and calling me or even just sending me a card or e-mail over the holidays. We have to begin somewhere and what better time to begin then over the holidays and I will always hold out hope that I might someday receive this gift from them. If all I ever have is hope then so be it. I will not live without hope and I will work each day to be a better person and promote more love, peace and hope! That is the message of the holiday season and I will share my Christmas Spirit and good cheer with all and especially our warm, loving friends who have made us part of their family!

So all our friends out there I wish you peace, joy, hope, love and good cheer this holiday season and have your selves the “hap-happiest Christmas since Danny Kay tapped danced White Christmas with Bing Crosby” Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy Hanukah! Happy Kwanza! Best wishes for a great New Year filled with much love and hope and peace!

The Distancing

The act of distancing one’s self from others, a particular person or an idea is a common practice of politicians. Give a politician a way for him or her to place themselves at a point of distance from a controversial issue such as health care reform and they will be running to that point as fast as you can say “I’m up for re-election next year!” Unfortunately, the art of distancing is something transgendered people incur all the time and not merely after one comes out and begins transitioning but sometimes even months or years afterward. The only problem is that this form of distancing involves separating human contact from the transgendered person from those that initially accepted you for who you are and have always really been in life. It generally involves those again you thought were friends or family who did not reject you outright when the “you- know- what” hit the fan with full disclosure. However, in time these individuals become increasingly more distant and begin to pull away from you even considering their initial acceptance and apparent willingness to try to stay connected with you in life.

The disappointment of losing contact with such people is no less disheartening to the transgendered individual than if the person had pulled away quickly upon disclosure. However, I guess it does make the person engaging in such distancing tactics feel a little better because they can say they tried but for the transgendered individual effort is very subjective and the hurt caused by the distancing is really know less painful than the initial rejections. Again, the concept is an all too common occurrence. I know Donna Rose discussed it in her book “Wrapped in Blue” from her experience with some people she considered to be friends but who ultimately played the distancing game.

I don’t mean to cut these people down for that is not my point of all this but I don’t think they realized how much they hurt me by what they did and made me feel so unwelcomed. Recently the father of one of my old friends who had tried to stay connected with me after my transition died. I was upset about the death which I found out after all the funeral arrangements had taken place despite many who could have called and let me know. Instead my friends decided that since he had not told his mother and some others about me and there were other friends of his whom use to be “friends” with me in my old life who find me to be a disgusting and disturbing freak that I would not be told about the death until everything was over with for fear I might come and hug my friend and comfort him in his loss. I understand this loss probably better than most from experience in losing both my parents as well as my bother all in 15 short months. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for his loss but I found out that everyone, with his guidance, conspired not to tell me until it was all over so I would not be able to come and pay my respects and comfort my friend. I at first blamed others for this decision and only found out through a one line e-mail from my ex- her first communication with me in four months. I cried for my friend’s loss, I cried because the lack of information from my ex even about our children who I love so much. I cried because I was not welcome to come and pay my respects and comfort my friend. I blamed others and when I found it was my friend who orchestrated it all I cried again when I received his e-mail.

He told me in his letter that he has trouble seeing me and accepting and adapting to me as Melissa instead of the shell of the other person I pretended to be for so long. Of course, this could be helped by more contact between us and yet he and another friend have cancelled two other trips to come and visit and turned down other opportunities to meet as well. He is not the only one to do this for sure. Many other friends who initially showed some support when I first came out have not followed through with any communication or contact with me in a year. They have learned the distancing game well and maybe they too can give themselves a pat on the back for trying initially and maybe they feel that they are a bit better than those that rejected me outright but really ……haven’t we ended up in the same place anyway? The distance grows wider every day and yet the only answer to this gap is communicating and meeting and talking some things out and learning.

Paula and I went to the performances at Wall Street last night at the conclusion of TransOhio’s Transgender and Ally Symposium. One young talented young man by the name of Adam Apple performed a piece choreographed to the music of One Republic’s “Stop and Stare” which told of his life as a young Transman who loves his family but has been rejected by them, who has loss work and been denied jobs because of who he is as a person and who has been beaten and raped and yet is still so full of love and dignity. It was a powerful piece which brought many including myself and Paula to tears but his sign he held towards the end said it all… “I am human”. Human beings need love and understanding and acceptance for being themselves and distancing is not an act which addresses this need of every human being. I have experienced some of his work discrimination and rejection by family and friends but have not even come close to the pain he has endured in his life with the violence and assaults and suicide attempts but I understood his pain and his work on this production touched me. It also deeply affected Paula who admitted to me this morning she is depressed. I know she longs for contact and communication with her old friends and most importantly her family of children and grandkids she cannot see. It brings her such sadness in a heart full of love. Watching the beautiful performance by Adam only drew her more deeply into this great sadness.

We are not ungrateful for the warm and loving friends we have found here in Columbus. We love you all deeply and you kindness has touched us so profoundly! It is also the hope that you give us that maybe someday some of the people who rejected us in our life for being who we are as people and who have played the distancing game so well will understand our anguish and pain and reach out again. Maybe someday they can even be touched by the pain endured by a young man they have never even met named Adam. Maybe someday they will meet our new and wonderful friends we have here and see the beauty and love that exists in our community! I hope the distances between us as human beings grows shorter!

Hope, Thanks and Final Thoughts

Wow…is it really going to happen? This is the question I have asked myself a few times this week as I tick off the hours till my scheduled gender confirmation surgery next Monday. I keep thinking they might call and cancel it or something strange will happen – not that I want anything to happen or for them to call it off but sometimes it all just seems so surreal. It sort of dawned on me that this would be the last blog written by me as a pre-op TS woman but I will have much more to say on the “other side” as they say. The day of a transgendered person’s GCS is a very special day in the life of a transgendered person…the day of new birth…the day I am born again- this time with the right body parts. It is the physical completion of my transition to live life in my true gender as a woman.
After Monday, no longer will my physical gender be in conflict with my inner gender, my soul and essence as a woman. Does it scare me? Not really ……I have confidence in both my decision to undergo the surgeries because I am and always have been -a woman. I have undergone complex surgery before with the facial surgery a few months ago (to which I owe much thanks and appreciation to Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel in Boston MA for his care and exceptional work and vision) and finally I have all the faith in the world in the skills, hands, talent, caring passion and dedication of my surgeon- Dr. Christine McGinn. I feel I will be pretty calm and comfortable as I lie on the gurney as they wheel me to the OR to begin the work of creating what should have always been there on my body as a woman.
The surgery will not make me woman….I already am one and have been all my life- but my life was screwed up because I was indoctrinated as a male due to my physical characteristics when I was born and not the characteristics of the woman I was spiritually on the inside. I have been working to undo much of the “bad “training and learn the things I should have known all my life but was not told. It’s like I have to join the female gender parade after it has already marched twenty blocks and I am suppose to know what was in those twenty blocks and what was seen and learned in those twenty blocks will be needed to march the next twenty. I know I have much to learn still about living life as woman and my journey will continue long after the surgeries in a few days. Heck I have to learn a few physical things too. To be quite honest…..my anatomy will be vastly different come next Monday and I will have to take the time to learn about it! In all honesty it’s something I should have learned when I went through puberty but for the incorrect physical parts. I am excited and I am very much at peace with what is to come- just as I have been in living my life as my true essence and gender since last summer. Although I have much to learn about the new anatomy as well as the intellectual aspects of living life as Melissa, I fully embrace the journey and the growth as a person and a woman.
Well before the actual surgery takes place Monday I will have an “interesting weekend” in preparation for the procedures. I know those who have already gone through the process or read about it can skip this part but for those of you not familiar with what happens ……here it is. First of all this week I had to buy all my supplies I will need for the process and many of them make sense. I need new vitamins to deal with my new anatomy including calcium because apparently I will now have the same risk of developing osteoporosis as any other woman. I will also admit that first time in my life I had to visit and purchase from the feminine protection aisle. Genetic woman have visited this aisle so many times since their youth they would be rich if they got a dollar every time they had to do so. I would have gladly done this even with all the discomfort or PMS it brings because I would have loved to have been able to carry a tiny life inside my body and bring that little child into the world. It is a part of femininity I will never get to experience. I also had to purchase supplies needed for the regimen of dilation that I will be under for most of the next six months following the surgery.
Two days prior to the surgery I will commence a “liquid” diet. Sounds like a delicious menu of protein shakes and soups and drinks which by the way cannot contain alcohol. On Sunday it gets even better as I switch over to a “clear liquid” diet which means for two meals I can have water, clear broths, certain juices and clear sodas and popsicles. Whoa…Nelly! This sounds so incredibly delicious I am surprised this diet has not hit the markets! Then we have the crème de crème of the day at 4:00 PM with the administration of the ever popular “Magnesium Citrate Bowel Prep” (yummy), followed by another delicious dose of the stuff at 8:00 PM and oh about 6- 7 hours of making increasingly hurried trips to the bathroom. I still remember the scene in Donna Rose’s book “Wrapped in Blue” where she is reminiscing about her life as she crawls back from the bathroom from the repeated visits to the bathroom during this process and crawls into a ball on the bed from the cramps. Assuming I can somehow fall asleep after this delightful process I will have to be up and at it early on Monday with the administration of a delightful early morning enema- an awesome way to start a day if I must say! After I clean up and get dressed it’s off to the hospital for check in which means sitting in a giant room of people as I am in absolute starvation and filling out paperwork. When the bureaucracy has decided it has enough paperwork completed I will get to go up to the preparation room. There, of course, you get to strip and get into those delightfully stylish hospital gowns. I am so surprised New York and Co hasn’t created a line of clothes based on these gowns for sure. It will, I guess, give me one final glance at the soon to be departed, expanded or reconfigured parts…… Soon thereafter the nurses will start my final preparation and the attachment of my IV which will serve as my food and pain killer for the next few days. But with that comes the best treat of all …..the administration of anesthesia which will soon have me out cold to the world. This is the cool part -as it is truly like a time warp. One minute you are looking at the clock and its 7:30 AM and the next minute- which literally seems no more than one minute of complete darkness and you are awake and the clock says 2:00 PM. I know Paula will be pacing the floors and worrying and some of you may even ponder during that time period and it will seem like hours for Paula and others-but for me- it will seem like only a few minutes have lapsed.
Suddenly, I will awake from the procedures with my vagina and enhanced breasts. I am sure I will be sore and it will take much healing and recovery will be slow and cautious. However, I will probably ask the stupid question almost everyone who does the process asks … “Did it really happen?” When they confirm its successful completion I know I will be smiling and soon I will be feeling the warm and tender touch of Paula’s hand on my hand. Finally, I will no longer have a body that does not fit my soul and spirit and I will know that my rebirth has begun and I will be at peace! I must use that peace and rebirth as a means to live even a better life even more filled with love and understanding. Jenny Boylan who wrote the book “She’s Not There” also subtitled this book “A life in Two Genders”. I know that I will be one of the few that people that will have such opportunity….first to live life as the person I was defined as by my anatomy at birth and then to live life as the person I always was on the inside emotionally and spiritually but with the corrected anatomy to go with it. I have stated many times that I know not why I am transgendered and while I would not wish this on my worst enemy, I have embraced it as a gift I received. God did not make a mistake….God made me transgendered and knew I would find my path in my journey and use this gift as a means to increase understanding, compassion and dignity among people.
While my journey, as I mentioned, will continue long after the procedure is finished and I have been released to return home, I have many people I need to thank for helping me reach this point- whether some knew it or not. And so- here are my thoughts and thanks to many who have so profoundly helped me along in my journey I have written about in the past few weeks
To my Parents ……..Mom and Dad I miss you both dearly and wish you could have met the real me before you both died and seen how my life turned out but maybe you saw through my shell all along. Your guidance and love helped me find my path in life and you sacrificed so much to give me a better life. Mom you always wanted a girl and I guess you really did get one but never knew it because she was hidden in the shell. I hope you like your daughter Melissa. Dad, I know you might have been embarrassed by all this at first but you taught me important values about community and helping others and I think you would have proud of Melissa in time as I have carried forward this thinking.
To My Brother Richard……Your life was cut short and just at a time when we were beginning to reconnect after years of distance caused by our vast age differences and the dealings with our parents’ demise before our eyes. Unfortunately you died only days before I was tell you on your visit in for the holidays about my life as a transgendered person and about Melissa. I knew you would have accepted me and loved me as your sister.
To Karen….my former wife of twenty-four years. I owe you the biggest apology of all for hurting you in all this and causing you so much pain. I hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the pain I caused you. I am truly sorry and wish it could have happened differently. I admire your passions for life and the gift you have with children and for the love and support you provided me and your patience with me. With each other we created two beautiful children as well! Thank you also for confronting me when you did and for reminding of all that I needed to work on to be a better person. I hope someday you find peace and happiness and hope someday you can call me Melissa.
To my children ……..I miss you both so much I cry nearly every day thinking of you. I am very proud of all you have accomplished and I know you have so much to offer this world and hope someday you will let me back into your lives again to see and share with you your love, your passion, your successes and the fulfillment of your dreams. I know that you both have been hurt by all this and I also hope you someday can forgive and that we can be part of each other’s lives again. I have much more love to offer you! Thank you for all the beautiful memories you gave me. I will always cherish them even if we have no others together. I love you both so much!
To my old friends including those you no longer speak to me or who have tossed me out of your life. I miss our friendship but I guess it was not as strong as I thought it was. I will always remember the good times we shared. To the couple of friends who have hung on through this thanks for staying with me and remaining my friend as I know it has been difficult on you to try and understand and to accept when others failed to do so.
To my niece and nephew and sister-in-law who have been kind to me and supported me during this process all I can say is thank you so much and thanks for opening the door for hospitality over the holidays last fall. It warmed my heart. I wish you much happiness in your lives.
To my new friends such as Lana, Shane, Karen, Richelle, Alice Laura, Cindy, Diane, Marilyn, Laura, Cheryl, Carol, Skylar and Angie and so many others who have enriched my life including many who never have known me but as Melissa……. thanks for accepting me and being my friend. I love you all dearly for your kindness and warmth you have extended to me! I have met so many in our community and the LGBT community at large who I have shared so much with including our stories, advice and guidance and all of this helped me so much in my journey and helped me grow. I have learned something from almost everyone I have ever met in my journey. I hope I have enriched the understanding of those outside the transgendered community as I have freely answered all the questions you have asked about my life and journey with the hope that it will help you grow and understand more.
To the loving and accepting people of North Church such as Jo Ann, Di, Pam, Eric, David and Becky, Maree and Anne, David and Roy, Linda , Ellen, Louise, Lisa and Laurie, Deb, Ken, Catherine and so many countless others…………….. all I can say is this …...I wish the world operated like North Church. I have never seen such a loving, warm and accepting place anywhere. The hugs and greetings each week have touched me deeply and the opening of your doors to our community warmly has brought such joy to my heart! I am glad to have a place to call my home and my extended family! Your prayers and support for me in my journey have strengthened me so deeply.
To my dear friend and sister Joann Carter……..we have spent so much time together over the years and like you said one time last fall on our cruise we pretty much have shared everything through our thoughts and lives throughout our wonderful friendship. I know your soul girl and I hope someday you can also find that courage to break through your shell. Your thoughts and prayers for me have always warmed and touched my heart my dear friend.
To my good friends and sisters Chloe and Debbie……. I have know you both for quite a while but that trip we spent together in Virginia was a significant part of my journey to complete my unraveling. The long talks by the fireplace over glasses of wine and while we drove around sightseeing in which I learned so much from and about you both as you were approaching what I am about to do next week was a turning point in my journey as Melissa. Thank you both for your kindness and friendship and all the wonderful times we have had over the years!
To my therapist and friend Meral Crane……..I found you when I was lost in the depths of depression over the deaths of my loved ones and trying to sort out all the issues of my gender and you responded with much understanding and compassion. I have enjoyed the group meetings you have lead as well and they brought me in contact with so many others like me and I have grown as a result of your work and my interaction with my sisters and brothers and you have helped bring me to this point in my journey for my surgery.
To my surgeon Dr. Christine McGinn ……..I chose you after months and months of research and investigation to find the physician I would be comfortable having performing the surgeries of my GCS and BA. It came down to a choice of two surgeons among the twelve or so I started with initially on my list. In the end, I chose you for your skills, your passion and your understanding which comes from the fact you have been down this path yourself and know what I seek. I enjoyed our discussions and feel comfortable with you to perform the challenging work on one of the biggest days in my life! Your follow up care is unmatched and I promise I will listen to you and all your instructions afterward.
To my love, my best friend, my partner and my soul mate Paula…………I don’t know where I would ever be without you coming into my life when you did. It was fate we met that night and destiny that we became best friends and then soul mates and life partners. I am so happy to live each day with you and your warmth and passion and love for me and your acceptance of me for who I am and have always been brought me to this point of my journey. You steady me when I falter. You comfort me when I am sad. Waking up each day with you by my side is so wonderful. I will grow old with you girl and I will soon help guide you through your surgery and recovery in only weeks as you will be helping me through mine next week. Together we will accomplish much in our lives that we failed on in our former lives and together we shall face the challenges that await us in our journey. I love you girl and I know with you at my side next week I will be alright.
Well I probably missed someone here but it definitely was not intention by any means. It is time for my closing thoughts. I know there are many outside my community who do not understand all there is about being transgendered and transitioning one’s life to live in the correct gender but that is OK. Heck- I don’t always understand all of it myself. I know this is my journey and after next week my body will reflect my soul and essence of who I always have been – even when I lived trapped in a tightly wound shell. My day of rebirth is almost here and I go peacefully and calmly and with the knowledge that this is part of my journey in life. As I have said repeatedly it will not make me a woman –that I always have been- but denied and hid for far too long. Now it is time for me to get ready to undertake the next step in my journey that will continue for me I believe until I am laid to rest someday…..it is nearing time for me to close my eyes and drift off into a deep sleep and awake knowing that this time the doctors will look down upon me and say “it’s a girl”.
One of my favorite if not my absolute favorite movies of all time is Shawshank Redemption”. I own the film and have seen it at least twenty times. It is a story of an innocent person trapped and confined in a place he did not belong and who ultimately finds redemption on the other side and is cleansed in a river of rain. I have always associated with this character and the redemption he finds on the other side of his walls. In it there are several classic lines but one of them is a saying “ get busy living or get busy dying” It is time for me to get busy living again but this time in the right gender- being who I truly am and finding my redemption. The main character has many faults but one of them is not the crimes he is charged with doing and I too have many faults but I am not guilty of anything in this matter other than being who I truly am as a human being- Melissa. Just before the main character escapes he tells his friend… “Hope is a good thing”. Hope is a good thing indeed! I hoped someday I could find my redemption and my cleansing, and for me – what will happen next week will be a start on that process. I never gave up hope although a few years ago I did not think this would be even possible. Thanks to all those you hold me in their prayers and thoughts as I go through these procedures and during my recovery- for I love you all!….I will see you all on the “other side” ………Hugs, Melissa
I hope you enjoy the slideshow of my journey and my friends and family who led me to the path of my hope and redemption……..

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