The Middle Years- Repression,Lies and Living in a Shell

…………………in this second part of my reflections on my life as I draw closer to my GCS next month, I continue the process by reflecting on a dark and ugly period in my life known as my middle years. I was considering doing a slide show on this period as I did last week in my first part of the reflections on my early years, but this so called middle period in my life was not a particularly joyous one. I do not mean to say that my early years were spectacular but they paled in comparison of what was to come. I do offer up a picture of myself at age 24 at the height of my deep repression and denial of my true self. It was one of the few times I actually smiled because I had to- the picture was taken for my class composite for my law school class. It hangs in the hallowed halls of the West Virginia University College of Law. It was taken two months after I married my now ex-wife of 24 plus years and the mustache I spouted during my period of deep repression and denial as depicted in this photograph took me over 7 years to grow. That should have told me that it should have never been there in the first place but it was all part of my attempt to live life as the person everyone thought I was and not who I truly was in life.
I have been told by some in our community that we should not show such pictures to outsiders because that will give them a false image of who we are and that it only leads to their confusion and difficulty in acceptance of our true spirit and essence and how we now present that spirit and essence in our lives in the proper gender. I am not overly thrilled by this picture by any means- but it is reflective of a period in my life that existed and without which I could not be where I am today despite its pain, repression, ugliness and the encasement of my true spirit and essence in a tightly wound cocoon I would affectionately call my shell. The image in the shell and depicted in the photo was not who I truly was- but was how others saw me through their eyes if they could not see my soul! This period of my life was one of repression, denial and entrapment -all built on a mountain of lies and deceit! I don’t have to tell most of you that these are not things to build a life upon by any means! Feel free to print it out and post it up on a dartboard for target practice if you like.
As I mentioned in the last blog I almost told my parents when I was 14 about me being transgendered but, at the last moment, I chickened out and told them a lie. Lying about this secret became easy to do. The first thing one has to do is lie to yourself and the rest of the lying comes easy. High School brought about diminished time for my expression of my true essence and my emersion of myself into typical male activities like sports such as football, baseball and track. Football was the worst. I was small in size anyway and the drudgery of three a day practices and coming off the field grimy and beat up was something my father - but I know I did not. I would sometimes head to the locker room and see the cheerleaders practicing as I did and in my mind I knew I belonged there and not headed to the stinky locker room to hear stories of male conquest of people I connected with as my sisters. I was convinced however, that if I immersed myself in masculine activities I could rid myself of these feelings of femininity and be the person everyone believed I was and I guess also how I physically appeared. I wanted to go to the prom so badly in a beautiful gown and heels with a lovely corsage but ended up in a tuxedo.
After high school I started college with the understanding I would attend law school after my undergraduate work. In all honesty, I wanted to go into culinary arts but felt everyone would grow suspicious of me if I did so somehow I convinced myself that a life as a lawyer would provide a nice cover for me and a pleasant life. While in college I ended all expressions of Melissa, cut my hair and joined a fraternity which would provide me with more cover of my true self and more immersion into masculine activities that would drive this deeply hidden identity from me. I was convinced it could work and Melissa would go away, or at the very least, I could control her and keep everything neatly in check. It was in college I met my ex-wife and I fell in love with her for she was a kind, attractive and intelligent woman. Desd[ite the fact I knew I was a woman born in the wrong body I was still very much attracted to woman- both sexually as well as socially. Additionally, I was convinced that if I settled down and got married and raised a family like “men” were expected to do, that again, I could end once and for all the existence of Melissa and any feelings I had would go away.
In reality, in the back of my mind I knew it would not work for although I had deeply wrapped my true self in a tightly wound shell built on lies and deceit, there was always this little voice there- a tiny seed in the deepest recesses of my mind and soul that told me I was a liar and that I was kidding myself about controlling my true spirit. However, the early years of our marriage were good. I had begun a prosperous legal career for one of the most prominent law firms in the West Virginia, was on my way to owning my first home and in 1985 my first child was a born- a beautiful little girl named Rachael. She was born 9 and ½ weeks early and lived in the NICU for over six weeks but I was on top of the world when we brought her home and I spent much time holding her in my arms. I was a father and I had responsibilities to this beautiful, bright child which I truly wish I could have carried and delivered myself. Melissa was in check and I was becoming a prominent member of the local society involved in many civic activities and charities which occupied my time and helped kept my thoughts away from facing my true self.
However, by 1988 the shell which had built up for the past 12 years or so began to shed a few thin layers. No matter how much I tried I could not stop thinking about my true identity and expression of her. I shaved off the ridiculous mustache and removed some of the scant body hair on my body and soon I began presenting Melissa again in the privacy of my own home or in a hotel room when I was out traveling for work. Still, I believed I could control this and a few more lies to myself and others would take care of this “problem”. Four years into my marriage I decided I needed to tell my wife something for I knew it was only a matter of time before I was discovered. However, just like with my parents fourteen years earlier, I did not tell her the truth and I simply told I was a cross dresser -although I knew deep down that was not true but maybe I could control it that way and move on with my life. She took it pretty well after some struggles but why not – she thought it was some sort of a fad. A year later, I presented myself to her as Melissa for the first time thinking we could move further on the issue but that would be the last time in my life until our separation and divorce she would see my true essence. She cried and stated she never wanted to see me again that way. I was disappointed but I saw the pain in her face and knew that she would not even discuss going beyond what had already been discussed the year earlier and I did not want to hurt her further. From that point on, all of my activities as Melissa would be done under a policy best defined by Donna Rose in her book “Wrapped in Blue” as the period of “Don’t Ask- Don’t Tell”. I expressed Melissa whenever I could, chatted with others online and researched everything I could on being transgendered and dressed at home when she was gone and when I was alone out on the road. All I did was build more lies and deceit that years later would be thrown at me by my wife and many others.
In 1990, my second child was born- a son named Ian. That same year I became a partner in the law firm, helped my wife go back to school and begin work on new college degrees so she could do something she had a gift and passion for in her life. She graduated years later and began her new career in speech language communications working with my challenged children with special needs. I admired her for her work and she was very talented and had a gift for helping children. We moved to a bigger home, bought more cars and lived life in comfort. I spent much time involved with my children’s activities at school, scouts, sports and church. By age five my son had taken a great interest in the game of baseball and he was exceptionally good at it. He went onto play Minor league, Little League, Babe Ruth and High School baseball for thirteen years as a left-handed pitcher with good control and many accomplishments behind him including a near no hitter in his Freshman year. I followed his career with great interest and loved watching him play the game he was so talented at and excelled in for so many years. This afforded me more opportunities to be involved in things that kept my mind off the issues that had confronted me all my life in denial, repression and wrapping the shell so tightly such as coach, umpire, League President and Vice-president . Now I did accomplish some wonderful things which benefited the boys and girls who were involved in the programs-, but my involvement, while meritorious, did little to resolve the core issue that had haunted me since I was six. Both my children were very bright like their mother and excelled in school. I was very proud of they accomplished in their lives but I know I constantly wondered how they would act and how they would respond to learning the deeply hidden truth about their father. I was to find that out later in my journey as well.
By the mid 1990’s I was living the “American dream”, all while living the great lie which seemed, for a time, to go away for a bit when I spent hours pouring liquor down me in large quantities to kill some pain. Some around me I think sensed my excessive alcohol intake when I indulged was too excess but they said nothing. I had created a persona that was contrary to my real self and feelings and soon everyone had adopted it. I came off as the “the anal retentive you know what” who was a successful employment and labor lawyer for companies, a young Republican who everyone assumed was “somewhat to the right of Attila the Hun” to quote several of my colleagues. I was also known as the baseball guy for my work over the years as outlined above. All of these images would hide the real me deep inside my shell and perpetrate the lies and images which would one day come back to haunt me. Lies have a way of doing that you know!
I was traveling a good deal for work which enabled me to get away and spend a few hours in my true gender presentation. Still, I had not ever ventured outside the boundaries of my hotel room or home. I longed to do so and one trip to New Orleans during this period provided this opportunity for me. I was convinced by a transgendered girl named Carla to use the weekend I had free after my conference had ended to come out in public for the first time as Melissa in 1995. I was scared to death to do so but she helped me overcome my fears, set up a makeover for me and agreed to meet me for a night on the town. I remember that night vividly. I took my first steps outside the door of my hotel room after a brief pause at the door to walk to the place we would meet down the street for a drink and then off to a party in the French Quarter. It was a wonderful high for me.
The moment I left the confines of my room and ventured into the streets I felt alive and the memories of the first experience in my neighbor’s basement so long ago came rushing back to me. I was free and when we entered the party at the house I realized for the first time I truly was not alone or among the handful of scattered misfits- as the room had over sixty people in it like me there -all welcoming and accepting. I was indeed so happy. After the party many of us went out to the clubs and had more fun dancing and partying being my true self. When the night was over I remember my friend Carla dropping me off at the hotel and I strolled into the lobby knowing that I would never again hide Melissa from the world and that I loved getting out in the world as her. After that night, I began using my travels as opportunities to get out in public, doing things I loved to as Melissa and make contact with others like me. I went shopping, met others for dinner or even ventured out to day at the lake or beach. I could not wait for these opportunities to come and loved presenting my true self to the world but still- there was my life back in West Virginia with my wife and two children and the suits and ties. This false life was built on the respect of the community as a lawyer and partner for a prominent law firm, the baseball guy and image of Mr. Republican (although people never knew how I had really voted in the privacy of my voting booth!) Everyone just sort of assumed things although I did really nothing to deter their false image because it kept the shell on with a few more layers.
However, each venture out as Melissa all over the country brought me renewed hope and joy and each time I had to go back to the image I had spent years creating- living in my shell, I spent hours crying and living in a secret depression- all covered up by my the consumption of lots of alcohol on a more frequent and excessive basis. I was full of anger and repression and many times my family, friends, colleagues and legal opponents were the witnesses of or the victims of this anger and shouting - all while unknowing of the deep, dark secret that clouded my life for so long and created so much pressure upon me along with the effects of a very stressful job with many demands. Each venture out living life as Melissa brought me so much happiness but it also brought me guilt over my family’s lack of knowledge of what I was doing and who I really was I as a person. The guilt fed the anger and depression and both of these fed the need to express my true self as if I was caught up in a loop all while be hidden inside my shell. I woke up many days wondering whether the nightmare would ever end and I could find peace in my work…my life and my family and live my life as who I truly am and have always been.
The shell had taken a few hits and thrown off a few shreds but it was still very much intact as I moved into the new decade of the millennium. Its very existence, however, was threatened from a spirit blossoming inside of me as well as those “forces” on the outside in the form of the many people I continued to meet from my troubled community as well as some family issues lurking on the horizon. I knew my journey and healing was a long way from being complete but the path would grow shorter from all the forces about to converge upon me……………

Courage and Dignity against theTransgendered Blues

Well my world got rocked this week and the wounds really dug in deep because my smug little you –know –what thought it would not happen to me in my profession. I faced and lost a battle with transgendered discrimination and the loss of revenue associated with it hurt-but what hurt even more was the indignity in the manner it was presented so underhandedly and that I did not see it coming. Several years ago when I started into my new profession I began doing some independent contract work for various companies in which you can go onto their job boards to find work in your geographic areas. I did so as a means to get more experience and bring in some income. One of the groups assigned me to a project in which the main planner had screwed up immensely and I commented on the same but offense was taken to my comments to the logistics. A week or two latter the organization that had contracted with me contacted me and said client did not want me working on her projects anymore. The organization said it was no big deal and that she was a difficult client and there were plenty of other clients to work for and I later found out the client subsequently fired the organization I contracted with because the client had troubles working with its staff.
This incident occurred three and half years ago and nothing more was ever said about this matter. In fact, I was told not to worry about it as they knew the client was touchy and difficult to work with on projects. I continued to do work for the organization without any further complaints or problems on a regular basis during remainder of 2005, all of 2006 and 2007 and first half of 2008. Of course, I was working at that time as my male persona hiding the real me beneath the shell. After I came out fully, I informed the organization and others that I was transgendered and was in transition and would be working as Melissa –who I really was and I sent them documentation of name change and other information. I did the same for other contract organizations as well as clients. One client chose to end any relationship and another had to cut back because of economy even before I told them. However, the three other organizations initially said they had no problem with it and changed the information. The one who I had experienced the minor incident with in 2005 assigned me work last fall which I did for their client without incident as had been practice for years and all paperwork was completed and filed in timely manner and as usual I was dressed professionally- albeit as Melissa and pleasant and helpful throughout the functions. No complaints were noted but evidently some of the male reps of client I did the work for figured out who I use to be and expressed some “discomfort” with me doing their projects. The organization did not tell me this but decided to handle it another way. A few weeks after the projects I was no longer finding any jobs posted on their board. I knew the economy was not great so I gave it sometime but after a couple months I wrote to the organization and inquired about this weird phenomenon. Two days later, in February of 2009, I received a letter which had been sent overnight to me stating my contract with them had been terminated because of the incident which happened in 2005. Now I am no rocket scientist for sure but I am also not stupid and know that something that was not important for three years does not suddenly become important three and half years later only after I announce my transition and do work for them as Melissa. The indignity is that they should have told me the truth and not played the silly game of first altering their website so I could not see positions available and then sending me a letter indicating termination based upon that something no one thought was that big a deal back in 2005! Terminate me for being transgendered for God’s sake- it’s not like we have any protections in this country beyond a few state and local laws. They accomplished their goal…get rid of the “freak” who makes some of their people “uncomfortable” but they did it without being upfront and honest about it.
I may have not been so taken back by their egregious actions which cost me income if I did not begin to sense some others acting in same way. I received a job assignment from another organization last week on one day and then in 24 hours suddenly the work assignment was no longer needed by the client. Then my professional organization chapter which I have served on the Board of Directors for two years acts very strangely and was sort of surprised I wanted to remain on the Board next year because they thought I needed time away from the Board to deal with my transition and surgeries which have not interfered at all with my duties and responsibilities. What really bothers me the most is I thought my profession, being nearly 90 % women, would be an easier one to transition in than most. I was wrong indeed! I was a bit smug thinking I was above the fray of the common industrial workplace and office settings and dealing with so many educated professionals as a professional -but I forgot that the organizations are still run by men and in reality discrimination against those of us in the transgendered community is so prevalent that many so called “open minded” people just can’t deal with a concept that many see as so radical such as changing one’s physical anatomy to fit one’s inner soul and essence and men in particular – in fear and sometimes in questioning of their own masculinity issues, cannot see why another “man” would “chose” to not be masculine and actually want to step down the ladder as they see it and live and work as a woman who earns less than a man. All of this comes on the heels of my desperate attempt to find health insurance after facing three rejections because I was transgendered. I finally found one on the fourth try but they refuse to cover anything and now seem content on tearing apart my medical history for last three years because I asked them to pay for a routine doctor’s office visit. Additionally, they also proffer the indignity of addressing all my correspondence to me as “Mr.” How indignant and rude and insulting is this?
The enactment of the ENDA legislation would help the situation immensely but I fear that somehow –someway, the transgendered community will find itself excluded from the bill in the end and left alone to defend itself with only few people to continue the struggle for dignity, rights and respect that all human beings are entitled to in this country as many in community run and scatter and stay hidden in their shells in fear and others trying desperately to life in cloak that is not truly possible and pretending like they have always been known as a woman without any other life before the transition. I don’t blame them considering that nearly 70% of the fulltime transitional transgendered community is unemployed. Some of my friends out there may say I chose this life and that I and others like me knew we were going to face consistent discrimination and that we should have stayed hidden in our shells and appeared only part time in the comfort of functions with other transgendered people. I gave up the comforts of living the life of a male with a family and a job and welcomed in society to be who I truly am but someone that most people don’t want to have to deal with. In other words, for me – keep pretending I am someone else I am not –living a life as a lie and working in the male-dominated society as a male. First of all, I did not “choose” this life any more than I chose being transgendered. I decided I would rather live life as I truly was instead of frustrated in a shell and pretending I was someone I was not to make others happy while I suffered great pain and anguish. If I somehow lose it all and have no income to live on whatsoever in my life after I transition fully, I will never go back to the lies and live my life in any shell pretending I am someone I am not- ever! Frankly, I would rather die living on the street as Melissa than ever go back to living the lie inside the shell just to make everyone else happy including those who run our society and many of its organizations or even my family who has tossed me away like some unwanted piece of garbage!
I have my dignity…I have my soul…I have someone who loves me for who I am in Paula and I have my friends, sisters and brothers in the community and the LGBT community at large and a few that found the courage to accept me for who I am from my old life inside the shell. I would not trade that for any job at any salary if I had to live my live as a lie and pretend I am someone I am not just to make others in society happy and “comfortable”. I decided I will either make it as Melissa who I really am with Paula by my side or I will go down swinging as Melissa living my life with dignity as my true essence and face whatever discrimination, hatred and prejudice await me in whatever life I have left! Courage and dignity requires nothing more or nothing less and courage and dignity may not pay the bills but they clearly free the soul!