What an emotional day this has been for me! The last twenty- four hours have been a mixture of sun and sky all the way to the falling drops off tears and emotion. Last night I had a wonderful time meeting my sisters in Warren for the monthly GNO where I got to see some old friends and meet some wonderful new sisters. I particularly enjoyed meeting a good friend of my roommate Joann by the name of Sabrina. Sabrina had just returned form Montreal GRS where she had her surgeries to let her live her life as who she always has been- Sabina. I engaged her in conservation for hours on many issues and she answered a lot of my questions about this group that is high on my list for carrying out my surgery in the future. I got a good number of wonderful hugs and had a wonderful evening dancing and chatting.
I got up Sunday morning, albeit a bit sluggishly, in order to get some food and begin my trip home. I only traveled about an hour or so when I got a call from Paula and she informed me of the death by suicide of my friend Barbara Ann. Barbara was a troubled girl and I could tell by our chats she was in tremendous pain over the breakup of her marriage and struggles to emerge as Barbara. I tried to ease her pain and anytime I saw her online or in person or over the phone I tried to cheer her up and make her think positively about her life. Her wife had not supported her and was outright harsh on her over her being transgendered. She had a supportive love and I would tell her she was not doing anything to family. She still could see and be a part of her children’s life as much as she could and build a new life and do some things she always wanted to do in life. She always ended all our conversations with a hug and good wishes and peace. I knew she struggled but I did not think she would choose to end it all and take her own life. It’s a horrible choice but in her troubled mine she saw it as the only choice. I pulled over to the side of the road and balled my eyes out. I felt her pain and anguish and I kept thinking did I do everything I could to help her? This was horrible and I wept and talked to Paula as she dealt with the pain and tears as well.
I gathered myself and drove the rest of way home. I arrived and unpacked my car and began to carry things up to my office. When I got there I found a shock…..a note from my wife that said “We have to talk now!” My heart raced and I tensed as I knew what this was going to be about …judgment day ….the day I knew has been coming for a while and which I have written about in last few weeks. No more hiding everything from wife on my journey and path. I knew she knew many things but her historical perspective on my changes and being out and about where uncanny! She knew about the loss of hair, wearing of panties for years and my polished nails and toes and ear piercings but she did not know it all and I have never revealed it to her and as she freely admitted she had stuck her head in the sand and ignored all the signs just as I said she had done. She launched first and I let her go…there were no raised voices only two women talking and lots of tears. She had found my letter I had written to her and tore up and rewrote a half dozen times. She saw the pics of the real me with my friends and she was most upset about the fact I had not told her sooner and that I had started transition. The discussion lasted nearly two hours and many tears were shed but afterward, and after reading the detailed letter I wrote her she did now know it all. During this discussion where there was no anger and rage we talked about some many things and feelings and all my years of denial and repression and struggles and our finances and kids. Everything but the kitchen sink- actually I think that was mentioned. More tears flowed and during this I asked her if she would at least hug me and I opened my arms and we held each other and we both cried unmercifully. Discussions of lawyers and divorce were also raised and while she was planning initially to ask me to leave immediately we discussed it all and laid out a plan for separation and redirection in our lives. I knew this was the beginning of some hard and painful times. I knew some very hard and ugly choices would have to be made and the kids completely told and even coming out to others in family and friends. She wants me to find a new place to live where I can live out my dream to live my life as who I really am. She cried when I told her about Barbara and although she understands the pain and anguish and wants to talk with my therapist and such, she stated she cannot live with a woman as she is not nor has she ever been a lesbian. Yes some real ugly choices will now have to be made but we have a very initial brief plan and I hope this can be worked out for all and although I know I placed some pain upon her today. I will say this…I feel a whole lot lighter now…like some monkey has been ripped from my back…Judgment day came and I survived and I thank my sisters for all their support and love as that helped me so much in getting this all out in the open and getting through the emotionally traumatic day. I know I could use some hugs!
Wouldn’t be nice if someone could make our pain and tears go away? Actually I would settle for better choices. I know sometimes I am emotionally a wreck and it seems that I am managing to somehow hang on each day. I know it is not easy being transgendered and no one ever said it was so. As I have said so many times, I would not wish this on my worse damn enemy! I Know I hurt a good woman today and I still care for her and hate to hurt anyone. I sometimes cry out to make the pain and hurt go away when they do come but the answers to these calls I know lie from within and not from without. Many days I wake up early at the house and go get the paper and sit and read it but some days before I get very far I as I lay on the couch, thoughts of my anguish and fears take over and have me pouring water down my cheeks. Some nights I sit up in my office and do the same. Today I bared it all to the woman who has been my partner for 24 years but she has known for a while I was drifting and I know it was my choice I drifted that way. I know the hormones have really accelerated the intensity of the feelings and emotions. They are real and I so wish I could end this vicious cycle of tears and pain but this cycle is part of the growth and life of a transgendered person in transition. The best one can do is talking your way through these periods and finding support from others as you support them.
Some people in our community don’t like drama but I must speak from my heart and my soul sometimes and ignore the rationalizing of my mind. Some transgendered people are so comfortable in the world of switching back and forth and enjoying their occasional expression of femininity. I truly envy them and wish I could find my peace that way but that is not who I am and any attempts by me to be such person have always failed. It does so because I am a transsexual transgendered person and I know I will never find peace and happiness unless I become who I truly am as a person and live my life fully as Melissa. Why could I have not been born with the right body parts that matched who I am on the inside? What madness in our world creates such a person and throws them out in the world to go through life what society sees as a “misfit” and subjects them to abuse and condemnation for simply being who we are as people. What kind of absurdity is this process I ask you?
Why did I fear doing what I did end up doing today? Let’s see…..could it be I don’t particularly enjoy causing others pain and anguish? I never have and never will. I like people and I genuinely love to meet and interact with people and never been into hurting others. I despise such actions and dread them. There is enough hurt in our society among people. Could it be because I fear hostility rejection and increased loneliness although it is no house of warmth at the moment? It use to be better I know and I know I made it deteriorate when I pulled back on letting them know fully about Melissa. That decision cut me off from them and it was foolish to do so but I spent my time talking not to them- but to others like me in our community who understood. I kept saying to myself … “they will never accept me or understand” I think my wife understands …...she just cannot go along with my journey. I also wanted my children to avoid be picked on and made fun of or ostracized by their friends and school mates simply because their father was someone everyone would see as a freak in the wonderful warmth and cultural understanding of Appalachia West Virginia. I protected them from this by keeping all this away from them and keeping others around here from finding out about me for many years. But in doing so, I furthermore separated myself from them as well and for that I deeply regret the actions …it was a huge mistake on my part and in hindsight, I know that now. It causes me to cry as well. I am separated in my connection from my spouse as well as I knew she would never accept all this so I kept some of it from her but I hated to hurt her. I think there was some peace today as we ended our discussion and we held each other as tears streamed down our faces. However, all I did by separating myself from her was hurt her even more.
I know I must come clean with them all and let them know everything about me and where I must go in my journey– they are owed that much but I know as I do I will only drive them away and I will become the embarrassment and freak to them that they will have to explain to their family and friends. I always kept hoping for success stories in this world of ours but nearly everyone in same scenario has lost so much when they come clean and fully transition. I know my kids will recoil and rally around their wounded mother who I have torn apart. Almost everyone on my side of the family is dead and that leaves only my wife’s large family who I know, and clearly expect, will gather in support around her as I am deemed the tranny freak and ostracized by all. The community? Yeah let’s talk about the wonderfully friendly people of southern West Virginia. They are good people and known to be hard working and generally friendly but they are not known for warmth and friendliness with those that are different and when they find out that I am a transsexual and “what I have done to my family”, I am as good as stamped with the label freak and home wrecker by those around me and their fundamentalist religious upbringing. I already feel alone here anyway –might as well dig my hole deeper and make my life more stressful and hate filled. Who can’t use more stress and hatred??
The other day just as I finished a morning cry when I got online and checked out some blogs I like to read as I mentioned in my previous post and saw that my friend Chloe had written a new one called “No more cake” In it, she explains how she has done so much to make it work with her wife and kids but how her kids have been affected by others response to her being transgendered and fully transitioning. Tears began to flow again as I read it. Her best efforts failed and she is looked down upon, talked through and treated as a non entity by her family members because of her finding her inner peace to become on the outside whom she has always been on the inside-Chloe! She stated the principle that she will never be accepted as Chloe by those who knew her as Ted and I knew that is to be true for me as well. There was too much of my life spent as that “other person” –the shell for them to accept me as whom I truly am.
It would not matter if the hormones and electrolysis and surgeries did their work to convert myself on the outside flawlessly to who I am and have always been on the inside. People who have known me only as Russell will only always see me that way- treat me that way and no pleas for understanding and respect as Melissa will ever change that- ever! So what is the answer? Unfortunately, for many of us the answer is that which Chloe and many others including my wife ( she wants to leave the area and not be seen here as Melissa) have suggested- its time to leave and begin a new life somewhere where they never knew your past and only can know you and see you as you really are with no past images to reflect upon. My friend Jane did that, and in doing so, moved form West Virginia to Florida primarily because she was never accepted by those who knew her from her past life here as John. I will miss her dearly as I always enjoyed our chats over a cup of coffee or tea. A kindred soul in my home state gave me hope- her decision to leave only rattled me even more. Furthermore, I know she will miss her kids and grandkids. A clean slate or as close to one as one can find? Is that the answer? It’s an awful dreadful one but the alternative may be more dreadful. One pretty ugly and disgusting choice if I must say. Will it end the pain? Will it end the tears? I do not seek pity and I want no sympathy and I doubt Chloe or Jane does either. In fact, I doubt anyone in our community facing this dilemma really does. Sympathy or pity will not solve the problem.
What we need are more choices and solutions or alternatives between living where we will never be accepted as much more than a freak, a nuisance and be viewed as the person who hid our true essence from the world and the other alternative of cutting ties to all and starting fresh in new life as our real outward selves but cut off from the past and all that is in it including our loved ones and families. And people actually think we chose to be transgendered? If they could only see and feel the pain and anguish we experience and the choices we are faced with they would surely know this is nothing anyone would ever choose to endure in life. Like I said, if given the freedom to impose it, even my worst enemies would have nothing to fear. I am not ashamed of being transgendered –it is who I am and I am proud of that and I consider it a cherish gift but I am ashamed of the choices we are left with in this world as transgendered people. Choices that only bring about more pain and anguish and way too many tears my friends! What day this has been for sure! Sadness, tears, anguish and death and disclosure all have taken place. Hmmmm….some nice choices huh??
I got up Sunday morning, albeit a bit sluggishly, in order to get some food and begin my trip home. I only traveled about an hour or so when I got a call from Paula and she informed me of the death by suicide of my friend Barbara Ann. Barbara was a troubled girl and I could tell by our chats she was in tremendous pain over the breakup of her marriage and struggles to emerge as Barbara. I tried to ease her pain and anytime I saw her online or in person or over the phone I tried to cheer her up and make her think positively about her life. Her wife had not supported her and was outright harsh on her over her being transgendered. She had a supportive love and I would tell her she was not doing anything to family. She still could see and be a part of her children’s life as much as she could and build a new life and do some things she always wanted to do in life. She always ended all our conversations with a hug and good wishes and peace. I knew she struggled but I did not think she would choose to end it all and take her own life. It’s a horrible choice but in her troubled mine she saw it as the only choice. I pulled over to the side of the road and balled my eyes out. I felt her pain and anguish and I kept thinking did I do everything I could to help her? This was horrible and I wept and talked to Paula as she dealt with the pain and tears as well.
I gathered myself and drove the rest of way home. I arrived and unpacked my car and began to carry things up to my office. When I got there I found a shock…..a note from my wife that said “We have to talk now!” My heart raced and I tensed as I knew what this was going to be about …judgment day ….the day I knew has been coming for a while and which I have written about in last few weeks. No more hiding everything from wife on my journey and path. I knew she knew many things but her historical perspective on my changes and being out and about where uncanny! She knew about the loss of hair, wearing of panties for years and my polished nails and toes and ear piercings but she did not know it all and I have never revealed it to her and as she freely admitted she had stuck her head in the sand and ignored all the signs just as I said she had done. She launched first and I let her go…there were no raised voices only two women talking and lots of tears. She had found my letter I had written to her and tore up and rewrote a half dozen times. She saw the pics of the real me with my friends and she was most upset about the fact I had not told her sooner and that I had started transition. The discussion lasted nearly two hours and many tears were shed but afterward, and after reading the detailed letter I wrote her she did now know it all. During this discussion where there was no anger and rage we talked about some many things and feelings and all my years of denial and repression and struggles and our finances and kids. Everything but the kitchen sink- actually I think that was mentioned. More tears flowed and during this I asked her if she would at least hug me and I opened my arms and we held each other and we both cried unmercifully. Discussions of lawyers and divorce were also raised and while she was planning initially to ask me to leave immediately we discussed it all and laid out a plan for separation and redirection in our lives. I knew this was the beginning of some hard and painful times. I knew some very hard and ugly choices would have to be made and the kids completely told and even coming out to others in family and friends. She wants me to find a new place to live where I can live out my dream to live my life as who I really am. She cried when I told her about Barbara and although she understands the pain and anguish and wants to talk with my therapist and such, she stated she cannot live with a woman as she is not nor has she ever been a lesbian. Yes some real ugly choices will now have to be made but we have a very initial brief plan and I hope this can be worked out for all and although I know I placed some pain upon her today. I will say this…I feel a whole lot lighter now…like some monkey has been ripped from my back…Judgment day came and I survived and I thank my sisters for all their support and love as that helped me so much in getting this all out in the open and getting through the emotionally traumatic day. I know I could use some hugs!
Wouldn’t be nice if someone could make our pain and tears go away? Actually I would settle for better choices. I know sometimes I am emotionally a wreck and it seems that I am managing to somehow hang on each day. I know it is not easy being transgendered and no one ever said it was so. As I have said so many times, I would not wish this on my worse damn enemy! I Know I hurt a good woman today and I still care for her and hate to hurt anyone. I sometimes cry out to make the pain and hurt go away when they do come but the answers to these calls I know lie from within and not from without. Many days I wake up early at the house and go get the paper and sit and read it but some days before I get very far I as I lay on the couch, thoughts of my anguish and fears take over and have me pouring water down my cheeks. Some nights I sit up in my office and do the same. Today I bared it all to the woman who has been my partner for 24 years but she has known for a while I was drifting and I know it was my choice I drifted that way. I know the hormones have really accelerated the intensity of the feelings and emotions. They are real and I so wish I could end this vicious cycle of tears and pain but this cycle is part of the growth and life of a transgendered person in transition. The best one can do is talking your way through these periods and finding support from others as you support them.
Some people in our community don’t like drama but I must speak from my heart and my soul sometimes and ignore the rationalizing of my mind. Some transgendered people are so comfortable in the world of switching back and forth and enjoying their occasional expression of femininity. I truly envy them and wish I could find my peace that way but that is not who I am and any attempts by me to be such person have always failed. It does so because I am a transsexual transgendered person and I know I will never find peace and happiness unless I become who I truly am as a person and live my life fully as Melissa. Why could I have not been born with the right body parts that matched who I am on the inside? What madness in our world creates such a person and throws them out in the world to go through life what society sees as a “misfit” and subjects them to abuse and condemnation for simply being who we are as people. What kind of absurdity is this process I ask you?
Why did I fear doing what I did end up doing today? Let’s see…..could it be I don’t particularly enjoy causing others pain and anguish? I never have and never will. I like people and I genuinely love to meet and interact with people and never been into hurting others. I despise such actions and dread them. There is enough hurt in our society among people. Could it be because I fear hostility rejection and increased loneliness although it is no house of warmth at the moment? It use to be better I know and I know I made it deteriorate when I pulled back on letting them know fully about Melissa. That decision cut me off from them and it was foolish to do so but I spent my time talking not to them- but to others like me in our community who understood. I kept saying to myself … “they will never accept me or understand” I think my wife understands …...she just cannot go along with my journey. I also wanted my children to avoid be picked on and made fun of or ostracized by their friends and school mates simply because their father was someone everyone would see as a freak in the wonderful warmth and cultural understanding of Appalachia West Virginia. I protected them from this by keeping all this away from them and keeping others around here from finding out about me for many years. But in doing so, I furthermore separated myself from them as well and for that I deeply regret the actions …it was a huge mistake on my part and in hindsight, I know that now. It causes me to cry as well. I am separated in my connection from my spouse as well as I knew she would never accept all this so I kept some of it from her but I hated to hurt her. I think there was some peace today as we ended our discussion and we held each other as tears streamed down our faces. However, all I did by separating myself from her was hurt her even more.
I know I must come clean with them all and let them know everything about me and where I must go in my journey– they are owed that much but I know as I do I will only drive them away and I will become the embarrassment and freak to them that they will have to explain to their family and friends. I always kept hoping for success stories in this world of ours but nearly everyone in same scenario has lost so much when they come clean and fully transition. I know my kids will recoil and rally around their wounded mother who I have torn apart. Almost everyone on my side of the family is dead and that leaves only my wife’s large family who I know, and clearly expect, will gather in support around her as I am deemed the tranny freak and ostracized by all. The community? Yeah let’s talk about the wonderfully friendly people of southern West Virginia. They are good people and known to be hard working and generally friendly but they are not known for warmth and friendliness with those that are different and when they find out that I am a transsexual and “what I have done to my family”, I am as good as stamped with the label freak and home wrecker by those around me and their fundamentalist religious upbringing. I already feel alone here anyway –might as well dig my hole deeper and make my life more stressful and hate filled. Who can’t use more stress and hatred??
The other day just as I finished a morning cry when I got online and checked out some blogs I like to read as I mentioned in my previous post and saw that my friend Chloe had written a new one called “No more cake” In it, she explains how she has done so much to make it work with her wife and kids but how her kids have been affected by others response to her being transgendered and fully transitioning. Tears began to flow again as I read it. Her best efforts failed and she is looked down upon, talked through and treated as a non entity by her family members because of her finding her inner peace to become on the outside whom she has always been on the inside-Chloe! She stated the principle that she will never be accepted as Chloe by those who knew her as Ted and I knew that is to be true for me as well. There was too much of my life spent as that “other person” –the shell for them to accept me as whom I truly am.
It would not matter if the hormones and electrolysis and surgeries did their work to convert myself on the outside flawlessly to who I am and have always been on the inside. People who have known me only as Russell will only always see me that way- treat me that way and no pleas for understanding and respect as Melissa will ever change that- ever! So what is the answer? Unfortunately, for many of us the answer is that which Chloe and many others including my wife ( she wants to leave the area and not be seen here as Melissa) have suggested- its time to leave and begin a new life somewhere where they never knew your past and only can know you and see you as you really are with no past images to reflect upon. My friend Jane did that, and in doing so, moved form West Virginia to Florida primarily because she was never accepted by those who knew her from her past life here as John. I will miss her dearly as I always enjoyed our chats over a cup of coffee or tea. A kindred soul in my home state gave me hope- her decision to leave only rattled me even more. Furthermore, I know she will miss her kids and grandkids. A clean slate or as close to one as one can find? Is that the answer? It’s an awful dreadful one but the alternative may be more dreadful. One pretty ugly and disgusting choice if I must say. Will it end the pain? Will it end the tears? I do not seek pity and I want no sympathy and I doubt Chloe or Jane does either. In fact, I doubt anyone in our community facing this dilemma really does. Sympathy or pity will not solve the problem.
What we need are more choices and solutions or alternatives between living where we will never be accepted as much more than a freak, a nuisance and be viewed as the person who hid our true essence from the world and the other alternative of cutting ties to all and starting fresh in new life as our real outward selves but cut off from the past and all that is in it including our loved ones and families. And people actually think we chose to be transgendered? If they could only see and feel the pain and anguish we experience and the choices we are faced with they would surely know this is nothing anyone would ever choose to endure in life. Like I said, if given the freedom to impose it, even my worst enemies would have nothing to fear. I am not ashamed of being transgendered –it is who I am and I am proud of that and I consider it a cherish gift but I am ashamed of the choices we are left with in this world as transgendered people. Choices that only bring about more pain and anguish and way too many tears my friends! What day this has been for sure! Sadness, tears, anguish and death and disclosure all have taken place. Hmmmm….some nice choices huh??
1 comment:
Melissa,
Each story that is told by a sister who has transitioned is very much the same. It is the same drama played out at a kitchen table time and time again. The story you have told in this post could be my story with a few minor details. My ex found copies of my poetry about my transitioning and that my children's friends had seen me out and about town.
I am so saddened by the story of Barbara's death; it just means that we have so much more work to do to raise people acceptance of us as normal people. When my ex finally sat me down at the kitchen table and handed me the divorce papers, my children were grown and my daughter was a senior in college. My daughter and her boyfriend had a long visit before she left for Wyoming. People who knew 'John' before has accepted Sarah and we have moved forward in our shared activities. So you might find that that for some it really doesn't matter that you are now Melissa.
You can't really change your ex's mind; she has to wrap her head around what has happen and come to some terms.
Sarah
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