The wife was right……although not on everything. My wife, through the assistance of my young, tech savvy college educated daughter, found my blog last week and did not like what she read. She was hurt and in tears and apparently my sister in law and brother in law (the one I labeled homophobic) were also snooping around reading it and perusing the pics as well. My daughter was upset as well about my comments on some of them about members of my wife’s family. Last week’s blog had sharp pain in it and it was written on a day I cried for two hours after I get alleged of being Attila the Hun and son drives off to be seen maybe someday down the road. I was hurt and it showed. I revised it after I had time to calm down but not before the wife had written to me a comment. I could tell she was under the same hurt when she wrote hers. I think both cried a lot last weekend. Now I did disagree with some things she raised about my “lifestyle” and the fact she contended my letter to her mother was “flippant” as it was similar to one I wrote other members of the family. She felt I needed to talk with her mother in person. But I know I would not have made it through that one. I love her mother and as I mentioned I got along better with her than I did my own mother and my mother-in-law loved me like a “son”.
However, I am a better writer than an orator and if I had tried to explain details to people in person from the beginning I probably would have failed I tried to put great detail in my letters- far more than I could ever explain in initial conversation. I always ended each letter by telling them they could feel free to contact me and I would try to explain more and talk with them but at least they would have the knowledge set forth in the letter before we started. No one called me although I did call a couple relatives and friends myself. No one really knows what to say so they don’t. The other part of wife’s reply which was cruel was her addressing me as “him” and “he” throughout after writing the letter to Melissa. But I hope that was due to her well founded anger and hurt and maybe some old habits.
The rest of the reply to me was basically true. I was not always the best person in my old life living under the shell. Although I know why, that does not justify any of my actions. I never physically assaulted anyone but I was filled with anger and frustration many of times and unfortunately my family got some of that venting and that was wrong. My anger stemmed from three sources I believe. First was my family heritage. My father was known to blow his cork now and then and my mother could fire pitch forks with the best of them and dealt with anger issues. My family heritage was that of the feisty German and Scotch – a mix that is considered lethal in some places. My brother dealt with many of these same issues himself. I remember once he lost a tennis match and went into such a rage he broke his racket into tiny pieces and screamed and cursed. He warned me about the fiery mix but I did not head the warning well. The next problem for me was my work. I hated it. I have no idea what drove me to go into a high demanding pressured- filled job with a lot of stress but that is something no one with my family heritage ought to get into and all that playing hardball did was make me feel like crap and feed my anger even more. Now I had two strikes against me through my lineage and my work stressors and then we throw in this little “transgender problem” and all that guilt, repression, denial, secrecy, frustration and pretending in my shell and I have now added a third strike from which most people would have exploded into violent rage considering all these factors. But I never reached that point. Sure there was anger in my voice and some yelling and tossing a few items, although not at anyone, but I am surprised I did not explode into pieces. As I said, my wife was right – she and sometimes the kids caught the blunt of this anger and frustration and I was wrong to do that and I can only ask that they forgive me and understand someday.
Those stressors have been reduced. I cannot ever change my family history but like my brother did before me, I will have to work hard to address that family background and work to keep calmer like he did so much more in his years after college and marriage. Secondly, I changed jobs and now do something I truly love and should have gone into when I was young like I originally wanted to before someone or something pulled me into another path. I cannot undue the years but I can enjoy my remaining ones by doing something I love and something which gives me great joy and satisfaction. I did a good deal of community work and volunteering like my father did all through my life and I need to continue that as well. It is good to help others and if everyone actually did some things to help others in life no one really would have to do a lot. Finally, I ripped through my shell and left it in pieces. I am out to so many people now and everyday I feel better and better about myself because of all these disclosures. The hormones have reshaped me emotionally as the testosterone is slowly contained and estrogen pumps its way into my body. This action has allowed me to fully tap into my feminine feelings and emotions that were always there but tucked away for many years only to occur mostly in private moments. Instead of much anger, I now feel sadness and I cry. Freedom did come with a price such as the loss of many in extended family and most importantly my immediate family and wife. My wife is a gentle, caring, loving, compassionate person with a warm heart and she did not deserve what she dealt with over the years although there were many good points as well in my own defense. It’s too bad she never really got to know the real me very often. The full emergence of Melissa- my true soul and identity and my career change into one I so enjoy all came in recent years after we have drifted too far apart. I wish her much peace and happiness in her new life…. I truly do. I hope she wishes it for me as well.
As for me, I much work to do on my new life. Hormones and surgeries do not change your core person or change whether you will be a better person. All too often those of us who are TS think that simply changing one’s body to fit one’s inner essence of gender and identity is the answer to all our problems. Believe me it does help when you no longer struggle with presenting your true identity and gender- but regardless of what gender organs you have you still have to be a good person. You have to strive to care about others, work well with those around you in your job, your families and people in general. You still have to learn and practice patience and kindness and living a calmer, more peaceful life as short as it is in this world. Although my continued transition will occupy my agenda for the near future and I will remain focused on the same, I must remember that although I now live my life fulltime as Melissa. I must still strive to make Melissa a better person -full of love and kindness and passion and tenderness and caring and live my life far better out of the shell than I ever did in it. My wife was mostly right- she usually is …she is an intelligent person and in her are many of the qualities I desire to live by as I live my life as who I really am. When that occurs peace will be found and life more enjoyable not only for myself but all who interact and know Melissa!
And now for a bit of work update. I came out to my Board of Directors and they were all supportive and are very happy I will stay on as Melissa. They will change all the printed materials, magazine, slideshow and website to reflect my new name and new picture. They look forward to seeing me at the next Board and Chapter meeting in September as Melissa. It will be my first venture out professionally as Melissa. My groups I do work for on contract basis are fine with it as well and love my work and will assign work to Melissa just like they did as Russell. There is still a long road to go but the seeds are there and I am anxious to roll up my blouse sleeves and get to work on these career developments. Doing work I enjoy doing as who I truly am …that is definitely a good thing for sure!
However, I am a better writer than an orator and if I had tried to explain details to people in person from the beginning I probably would have failed I tried to put great detail in my letters- far more than I could ever explain in initial conversation. I always ended each letter by telling them they could feel free to contact me and I would try to explain more and talk with them but at least they would have the knowledge set forth in the letter before we started. No one called me although I did call a couple relatives and friends myself. No one really knows what to say so they don’t. The other part of wife’s reply which was cruel was her addressing me as “him” and “he” throughout after writing the letter to Melissa. But I hope that was due to her well founded anger and hurt and maybe some old habits.
The rest of the reply to me was basically true. I was not always the best person in my old life living under the shell. Although I know why, that does not justify any of my actions. I never physically assaulted anyone but I was filled with anger and frustration many of times and unfortunately my family got some of that venting and that was wrong. My anger stemmed from three sources I believe. First was my family heritage. My father was known to blow his cork now and then and my mother could fire pitch forks with the best of them and dealt with anger issues. My family heritage was that of the feisty German and Scotch – a mix that is considered lethal in some places. My brother dealt with many of these same issues himself. I remember once he lost a tennis match and went into such a rage he broke his racket into tiny pieces and screamed and cursed. He warned me about the fiery mix but I did not head the warning well. The next problem for me was my work. I hated it. I have no idea what drove me to go into a high demanding pressured- filled job with a lot of stress but that is something no one with my family heritage ought to get into and all that playing hardball did was make me feel like crap and feed my anger even more. Now I had two strikes against me through my lineage and my work stressors and then we throw in this little “transgender problem” and all that guilt, repression, denial, secrecy, frustration and pretending in my shell and I have now added a third strike from which most people would have exploded into violent rage considering all these factors. But I never reached that point. Sure there was anger in my voice and some yelling and tossing a few items, although not at anyone, but I am surprised I did not explode into pieces. As I said, my wife was right – she and sometimes the kids caught the blunt of this anger and frustration and I was wrong to do that and I can only ask that they forgive me and understand someday.
Those stressors have been reduced. I cannot ever change my family history but like my brother did before me, I will have to work hard to address that family background and work to keep calmer like he did so much more in his years after college and marriage. Secondly, I changed jobs and now do something I truly love and should have gone into when I was young like I originally wanted to before someone or something pulled me into another path. I cannot undue the years but I can enjoy my remaining ones by doing something I love and something which gives me great joy and satisfaction. I did a good deal of community work and volunteering like my father did all through my life and I need to continue that as well. It is good to help others and if everyone actually did some things to help others in life no one really would have to do a lot. Finally, I ripped through my shell and left it in pieces. I am out to so many people now and everyday I feel better and better about myself because of all these disclosures. The hormones have reshaped me emotionally as the testosterone is slowly contained and estrogen pumps its way into my body. This action has allowed me to fully tap into my feminine feelings and emotions that were always there but tucked away for many years only to occur mostly in private moments. Instead of much anger, I now feel sadness and I cry. Freedom did come with a price such as the loss of many in extended family and most importantly my immediate family and wife. My wife is a gentle, caring, loving, compassionate person with a warm heart and she did not deserve what she dealt with over the years although there were many good points as well in my own defense. It’s too bad she never really got to know the real me very often. The full emergence of Melissa- my true soul and identity and my career change into one I so enjoy all came in recent years after we have drifted too far apart. I wish her much peace and happiness in her new life…. I truly do. I hope she wishes it for me as well.
As for me, I much work to do on my new life. Hormones and surgeries do not change your core person or change whether you will be a better person. All too often those of us who are TS think that simply changing one’s body to fit one’s inner essence of gender and identity is the answer to all our problems. Believe me it does help when you no longer struggle with presenting your true identity and gender- but regardless of what gender organs you have you still have to be a good person. You have to strive to care about others, work well with those around you in your job, your families and people in general. You still have to learn and practice patience and kindness and living a calmer, more peaceful life as short as it is in this world. Although my continued transition will occupy my agenda for the near future and I will remain focused on the same, I must remember that although I now live my life fulltime as Melissa. I must still strive to make Melissa a better person -full of love and kindness and passion and tenderness and caring and live my life far better out of the shell than I ever did in it. My wife was mostly right- she usually is …she is an intelligent person and in her are many of the qualities I desire to live by as I live my life as who I really am. When that occurs peace will be found and life more enjoyable not only for myself but all who interact and know Melissa!
And now for a bit of work update. I came out to my Board of Directors and they were all supportive and are very happy I will stay on as Melissa. They will change all the printed materials, magazine, slideshow and website to reflect my new name and new picture. They look forward to seeing me at the next Board and Chapter meeting in September as Melissa. It will be my first venture out professionally as Melissa. My groups I do work for on contract basis are fine with it as well and love my work and will assign work to Melissa just like they did as Russell. There is still a long road to go but the seeds are there and I am anxious to roll up my blouse sleeves and get to work on these career developments. Doing work I enjoy doing as who I truly am …that is definitely a good thing for sure!
1 comment:
Melissa,
You are a beautiful person, the courage to open your life that way you have will only help to dislodge all those little splinters working their way out from under the skin.
I admire your courage and applaud your company for welcoming Melissa as a valued person. You Go Girl!!!
Sarah
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