It’s been a while since I discussed the matter of my children. Let me first say that I love my children dearly and I always have from the day they came into this world. Rachael is a bright and beautiful young woman with many talents and a college education although a bit of focus of direction on her part would help her immensely. She is a writer like her father and the limits of what she can do and create are truly unlimited and I hope that someday she finds that calling of hers. My son Ian is also a bright young man who is attending college and performing well in his first year and he was a very talented baseball player as a left- handed pitcher who I enjoyed watching play the game so well for so many wonderful years. I tried to support my kids in their activities. I have helped them both with their college education and bought each of them a car. Maybe I did destroy their image of dad with my coming out and transitioning to live my life in my true essence but does that correspondingly mean that the relationship of “parent” is also likewise at an end?
I miss my children a great deal. I cannot think of them during the week or look at their pictures on my desk without crying. Things are happening with them each day of their Generation Y lives and I am left out of it. Many times transgendered people are told “we abandoned our family members” when, in fact, due to their lack of comfort on their part with our transition and living life as who we really are and it is our families who have abandoned us, shut off communication and cut us out of their lives. Believe me- I would come in a heartbeat if I was invited to a dinner or even to grab a cup of coffee with them. If they called or even texted me and said they wanted me to come to an event I would do so without question. I love them and I always will –even if that invitation never comes and we are not actively part of each other’s lives in the near or distant future.
However, this discussion brings up another interesting point. Why is just because I am not the “dad” they knew that it is written in stone that I cannot be their loving parent. I will always be their father even if I don’t necessarily look like their father. Why cannot I just be a parent of them? Why do we have to celebrate father’s day or mother’s day and why can’t we just have parents’ appreciation day? Society is still stuck in a binary system, as it is with all gender issues, where every child is suppose to have one male parent- “the father” and one female parent –“the mother”. We know however that many children are raised by one parent and in some more progressive minded states and locales a gay or lesbian couple is more accepted to raise children so that the child has two dads or two moms. One of the partners is not even the child’s biological parent although I truly believe parenting is defined by love and Not by genetics. Why then is so difficult for many children to accept their parent if he or she transitions to live life in their true spiritual gender? Does that transition change the way they feel about him or her? Is transition a barrier to love and understanding? I know very well I could continue a loving relationship with my children if they gave me a chance.
Again, although technically I am their father, they can just treat me as a parent without all the gender labels and realize that we can still be a part of each other’s lives. We can still share, still feel, still love and understand and support just the same if only they will let go of the stereotypes and the artificially created gender defined roles that society has placed upon paterfamilias ( Latin for father of family or male head of household ). The parent (me) can stand in place of the person they once knew as their Dad and do pretty much the same things I did for them before and love them all the same. It’s like the old Latin doctrine ….in locos parentis ….”in place of the parent” or in this case- in place of the old dad who lived in the repressive shell. What I could really use on their part is if they would lose the paternophobia (“fear of the father”). I will keep my arms fully extended and my lines of communication open for them and hope someday they find the courage to call, write, e-mail or text me a message and maybe begin the process of opening their heart to their parent who loves and cares for them dearly and whose heart aches from their continued abstinence from my life as Melissa- their parent!
I miss my children a great deal. I cannot think of them during the week or look at their pictures on my desk without crying. Things are happening with them each day of their Generation Y lives and I am left out of it. Many times transgendered people are told “we abandoned our family members” when, in fact, due to their lack of comfort on their part with our transition and living life as who we really are and it is our families who have abandoned us, shut off communication and cut us out of their lives. Believe me- I would come in a heartbeat if I was invited to a dinner or even to grab a cup of coffee with them. If they called or even texted me and said they wanted me to come to an event I would do so without question. I love them and I always will –even if that invitation never comes and we are not actively part of each other’s lives in the near or distant future.
However, this discussion brings up another interesting point. Why is just because I am not the “dad” they knew that it is written in stone that I cannot be their loving parent. I will always be their father even if I don’t necessarily look like their father. Why cannot I just be a parent of them? Why do we have to celebrate father’s day or mother’s day and why can’t we just have parents’ appreciation day? Society is still stuck in a binary system, as it is with all gender issues, where every child is suppose to have one male parent- “the father” and one female parent –“the mother”. We know however that many children are raised by one parent and in some more progressive minded states and locales a gay or lesbian couple is more accepted to raise children so that the child has two dads or two moms. One of the partners is not even the child’s biological parent although I truly believe parenting is defined by love and Not by genetics. Why then is so difficult for many children to accept their parent if he or she transitions to live life in their true spiritual gender? Does that transition change the way they feel about him or her? Is transition a barrier to love and understanding? I know very well I could continue a loving relationship with my children if they gave me a chance.
Again, although technically I am their father, they can just treat me as a parent without all the gender labels and realize that we can still be a part of each other’s lives. We can still share, still feel, still love and understand and support just the same if only they will let go of the stereotypes and the artificially created gender defined roles that society has placed upon paterfamilias ( Latin for father of family or male head of household ). The parent (me) can stand in place of the person they once knew as their Dad and do pretty much the same things I did for them before and love them all the same. It’s like the old Latin doctrine ….in locos parentis ….”in place of the parent” or in this case- in place of the old dad who lived in the repressive shell. What I could really use on their part is if they would lose the paternophobia (“fear of the father”). I will keep my arms fully extended and my lines of communication open for them and hope someday they find the courage to call, write, e-mail or text me a message and maybe begin the process of opening their heart to their parent who loves and cares for them dearly and whose heart aches from their continued abstinence from my life as Melissa- their parent!
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