The death of an icon can sometime be sad but the demise of ARF is something I have sought for a long time and it cannot come soon enough. Who or what is ARF? Well, that my friends takes a little bit of background except for a small handful of people who know me now. Additionally, only one member of our community has ever met this character and despite the fact she did, she continued to be friends with the person who portrayed this persona although sometimes I never knew why she ever did. You see folks, ARF is me- although not really me and I feel I may be confusing some at this point so I will start at the beginning…….
As many of you that have read my blogs over the years know I lived most of my life with Melissa stuck inside a shell that has held in and concealed my true essence from the world around me but my emergence over the recent years has eroded that once solid shell to a thin layer of shreds which does not hide who I am as much anymore. Several years ago, I changed careers which helped me not only save my soul but also helped my true essence emerge from the captivity of the shell. However, my current work in the hospitality industry is not how my career life began oh so many years ago. When I was in high school, I always thought about going in the hospitality field but I sensed pressure from others around me that this career would not be sufficient for the dreams of others and I eventually abandoned my pursuit of cooking and the hotel and hospitality industry opportunities and pursued a career which would be more “fitting” the ideas of others- but clearly was not one I was cut out for myself.
After college, I attended and successfully completed law school and was admitted to the bar. I joined a corporate law firm after law school and launched a very successful practice of destroying myself and others while practicing law and reaping the benefits of power, prestige and money that the field enjoys. It was not an easy thing to do and eventually I hit a wall and crashed and I began to realize I could not even get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror any more. Eventually, with some new training and experiences, I changed careers and began working in the hospitality field where I also wanted to be so long ago before I veered into the path of being a blood sucking parasite with a briefcase. (Some of you who have had the opportunity to watch Seinfeld’s the “Bee Movie” will remember the scene at end of movie with the Chris Rock mosquito character)
The was one major problem with me ever attempting to practice law for a corporate law firm is that for one to do so successfully, one must be tough, nasty and a hard as nails SOB- even if one is a woman. To be quite honest, I was never such a person and Melissa could not do this job for sure. Deep down I cared way to much about other people and I loved to create and not destroy but I could not do that and be successful as a lawyer in the dog eat dog, cut throat world of corporate law representing companies through the destruction of the workers of the companies I represented. In fact, I could not show weakness, kindness, tenderness, or emotions such as tears. I instead had to be cold and detached and a heartless bastard and work diligently to aggressively represent my corporate clients in their exploitation of the workers they employed as the company’s labor and employment counsel. This was very difficult to do if I was going to be truly honest as to who I was so my ARF persona was created and he thrived directing my lifeless shell for so many years. ARF stands for Anal Retentive Fuck and that my friends was who I played for the many years as I sold my soul to the devil to be successful at what I did by stealing from “widows and orphans” as the old joke goes.
The ARF was nasty and heartless. My friend Stephanie who was the first transgendered person to reach out to me in the 1990’s said I never smiled and had the look of someone who would not give one damn about doing what was necessary to win a case and I was so uptight it was not even funny. Bus drivers in this town used to try to run me over while I was on the streets and steel workers wanted to run a hot metal beam up my rectum because their companies were some of my clients and I had worked so successfully well to screw them all over while I paraded around as ARF in my grey three piece suits, black wing tip shoes and white button down collared shirts.
People at the firm made jokes about me as I operated as ARF as a cold heartless bastard who would take money from his mother if it meant winning a case for my corporate clients. Now the true caring person who was the real me- Melissa could not live up to being this asshole all the time and there would be times I did many good natured things such as helping the staff frequently and giving them bonuses at the holidays when the firm cut back on them- but I dared not tell anyone there I did those things because then I would show weakness that would be attacked by members of my law firm to carve me up! So the ARF persona continued and continued –day after day! After so long, I could not even look myself in the mirror anymore and I dreaded going to work. Melissa was not like this and I needed to stop pretending to be someone I was not and be who I was both as a person as well as being my true gender. ARF was destroying me and keeping Melissa so tightly wound inside I felt I was sometimes going to explode. I had a choice to make and I made it and I changed careers to doing something I love! While I make a whole lot less money, I am much happier in my work. To be honest, I should have gone this route to start but it is not time for any regrets.
Since the time I switched careers, my friend Stephanie has noticed so much change in me. Melissa, my true self began to emerge and grow, the shell began unraveling and I became calmer, happier, less stressed and more creative. ARF was dying and to be quite honest I think it is safe to say the old icon ARF is dead and no more! I feel, I care, I cry, I love and I embrace. I have my friends to thank as well for helping me emerge as Melissa and to be the caring, tender and loving and creative person I always have been but who was buried in the shell and wrapped in a persona know affectionately now by some as ARF. I kid about this character icon now and then although Stephanie has witnessed its disappearance and has remained my friend through it all …maybe she saw the real me all along ……Paula does not like me to talk about this ugly persona any more than I like for her to discuss her being an “old bitch” as she calls herself. She made an offer to me and the deal was simple …..she won’t bring up OB and I don’t mention ARF…..since neither really apply- I think it’s a good deal and I fully accept …..ARF is dead and I will shed no tears over the death of that icon …long live Melissa! May I shine as her and reflect the glow and warmth of the many true and wonderful friends and sisters I have in our community. It’s good to look in the mirror again!
As many of you that have read my blogs over the years know I lived most of my life with Melissa stuck inside a shell that has held in and concealed my true essence from the world around me but my emergence over the recent years has eroded that once solid shell to a thin layer of shreds which does not hide who I am as much anymore. Several years ago, I changed careers which helped me not only save my soul but also helped my true essence emerge from the captivity of the shell. However, my current work in the hospitality industry is not how my career life began oh so many years ago. When I was in high school, I always thought about going in the hospitality field but I sensed pressure from others around me that this career would not be sufficient for the dreams of others and I eventually abandoned my pursuit of cooking and the hotel and hospitality industry opportunities and pursued a career which would be more “fitting” the ideas of others- but clearly was not one I was cut out for myself.
After college, I attended and successfully completed law school and was admitted to the bar. I joined a corporate law firm after law school and launched a very successful practice of destroying myself and others while practicing law and reaping the benefits of power, prestige and money that the field enjoys. It was not an easy thing to do and eventually I hit a wall and crashed and I began to realize I could not even get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror any more. Eventually, with some new training and experiences, I changed careers and began working in the hospitality field where I also wanted to be so long ago before I veered into the path of being a blood sucking parasite with a briefcase. (Some of you who have had the opportunity to watch Seinfeld’s the “Bee Movie” will remember the scene at end of movie with the Chris Rock mosquito character)
The was one major problem with me ever attempting to practice law for a corporate law firm is that for one to do so successfully, one must be tough, nasty and a hard as nails SOB- even if one is a woman. To be quite honest, I was never such a person and Melissa could not do this job for sure. Deep down I cared way to much about other people and I loved to create and not destroy but I could not do that and be successful as a lawyer in the dog eat dog, cut throat world of corporate law representing companies through the destruction of the workers of the companies I represented. In fact, I could not show weakness, kindness, tenderness, or emotions such as tears. I instead had to be cold and detached and a heartless bastard and work diligently to aggressively represent my corporate clients in their exploitation of the workers they employed as the company’s labor and employment counsel. This was very difficult to do if I was going to be truly honest as to who I was so my ARF persona was created and he thrived directing my lifeless shell for so many years. ARF stands for Anal Retentive Fuck and that my friends was who I played for the many years as I sold my soul to the devil to be successful at what I did by stealing from “widows and orphans” as the old joke goes.
The ARF was nasty and heartless. My friend Stephanie who was the first transgendered person to reach out to me in the 1990’s said I never smiled and had the look of someone who would not give one damn about doing what was necessary to win a case and I was so uptight it was not even funny. Bus drivers in this town used to try to run me over while I was on the streets and steel workers wanted to run a hot metal beam up my rectum because their companies were some of my clients and I had worked so successfully well to screw them all over while I paraded around as ARF in my grey three piece suits, black wing tip shoes and white button down collared shirts.
People at the firm made jokes about me as I operated as ARF as a cold heartless bastard who would take money from his mother if it meant winning a case for my corporate clients. Now the true caring person who was the real me- Melissa could not live up to being this asshole all the time and there would be times I did many good natured things such as helping the staff frequently and giving them bonuses at the holidays when the firm cut back on them- but I dared not tell anyone there I did those things because then I would show weakness that would be attacked by members of my law firm to carve me up! So the ARF persona continued and continued –day after day! After so long, I could not even look myself in the mirror anymore and I dreaded going to work. Melissa was not like this and I needed to stop pretending to be someone I was not and be who I was both as a person as well as being my true gender. ARF was destroying me and keeping Melissa so tightly wound inside I felt I was sometimes going to explode. I had a choice to make and I made it and I changed careers to doing something I love! While I make a whole lot less money, I am much happier in my work. To be honest, I should have gone this route to start but it is not time for any regrets.
Since the time I switched careers, my friend Stephanie has noticed so much change in me. Melissa, my true self began to emerge and grow, the shell began unraveling and I became calmer, happier, less stressed and more creative. ARF was dying and to be quite honest I think it is safe to say the old icon ARF is dead and no more! I feel, I care, I cry, I love and I embrace. I have my friends to thank as well for helping me emerge as Melissa and to be the caring, tender and loving and creative person I always have been but who was buried in the shell and wrapped in a persona know affectionately now by some as ARF. I kid about this character icon now and then although Stephanie has witnessed its disappearance and has remained my friend through it all …maybe she saw the real me all along ……Paula does not like me to talk about this ugly persona any more than I like for her to discuss her being an “old bitch” as she calls herself. She made an offer to me and the deal was simple …..she won’t bring up OB and I don’t mention ARF…..since neither really apply- I think it’s a good deal and I fully accept …..ARF is dead and I will shed no tears over the death of that icon …long live Melissa! May I shine as her and reflect the glow and warmth of the many true and wonderful friends and sisters I have in our community. It’s good to look in the mirror again!
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