SCC through my Years

In 2006, things were a lot different for me, and so was my experience at the annual gathering in Atlanta know as Southern Comfort Conference (SCC). During that time, I was still very much part time and exploring my feelings and trying to make sense of all that was going on in my emergence as my true self-Melissa. I still believed any solution to my dilemma was not possible or likely and I used the brief times I could express my real self at conferences and weekend trips as simply that- a time to be myself and meet others at these events like me and get to know my community as they say. In 2007, I again attended SCC but by this time I had already decided I had to transition to live my live as Melissa and I had already begun counseling and in a holding pattern because of my children nearly finishing school. I really enjoyed SCC that year because I was a bit more active in doing things and meeting people than I had been the year before although I had grown in confidence and understanding of what was going on inside me and the direction I was headed. I spent more time at the conference attending all sorts of the workshops on the issues I was going to be initially dealing with such as coming out to family and friends, electrolysis and laser and hormone replacement therapy (HRT). The conference really aided in much of this development on these issues.

By the time the SCC 2008 had rolled around, I was now living fulltime with my new legal name and separated from my family and living life with Paula as she travelled to SCC with me. I renewed old acquaintances with friends in my community- some who I only get to see once a year. I watched the sadness in some of the part timers who left the conference going back to a world they lived in but were not really all that happy in while I was living life fulltime and deep in the throngs of transition. Since HRT and electro and such were already well under way, the seminars I attended then focused on those to come – meeting and hearing from presenters who perform the Facial Feminization and gender confirmation surgery or GRS. I left SCC with the selection of Dr. Spiegel to perform my FFS and I had narrowed my choices to two to perform the GRS and a couple months later, I selected and booked the procedures with Dr. McGinn. SCC 2008 was fun filled but educational process for me and for Paula as well.

Last weekend I returned from the fourth such conference- the 2009 SCC. This year I had concluded all of my physical transitional process and was living- the 2009 SCC. This year I had concluded all of my physical transitional process and was living pretty well as Melissa other than the absence of my children who I love dearly. The workshops I attended were focused on post transitional issues such as relationships, finding balance, career development and one really cool one on Post-op organisms! This year, I myself was a presenter of a workshop which I thoroughly enjoyed giving and which was nicely attended and filled with many questions. However, the experience at SCC was more surreal in that I gleaned the best experiences from my interaction with several people and not from the workshops or events and social activities.

On the night of my arrival, I had a very lovely chat with a genetic woman in the lounge of the hotel over dinner and a couple drinks. She paid me a high compliment in her mistaken conceptualization of me as a genetic woman but I quickly set her straight. She and I talked about many things and she was curious as a business traveler in town for the evening as to learn about SCC and my life as a transgendered woman. She asked if I minded answering some personal questions which I did happily for her and she learned about all my surgeries in great detail and we even shared one in both of us had done the breast augmentation. I told her about my journey and life now with my partner Paula and she so enjoyed talking with me on parting she gave me a big hug and wished me well in my life. It was a great start to SCC and it did not involve a participant to the conference. I also spent a good deal of time with my friends Ally and Erica – both of whom have decided to book the GRS procedures with Dr. McGinn. (Ally came to first SCC in 2008 and it was her first time out ever) I even spent a day with Keri- the girl who had her surgery the day after Paula and who through that process I met in New Hope this summer. (Keri attended SCC in 2007 and that also was her first time out in public) The other part of time was hanging with Kate Lynn and Lindsey who I first met during the time of my surgeries back in May. I also had an opportunity to chat again with Chloe about some things happening in her life after the show on ABC Primetime.

I got the chance to chat with a nice transgendered couple from California who shared their life and love together with me and also in discussion of the material covered in the post-op orgasm workshop. A real highlight for me was finally getting to meet an old classmate of mine from law school at WVU who I had not seen in twenty- four years. Dorothy and I connected on Facebook and we had planned the meeting ever since I found out I would be going to present at the conference this year. It was such a pleasure meeting her and her husband and daughter who practices law with her. We went out to eat and had some drinks and she got to meet many of my sisters in the community. I really enjoyed seeing her again and I think she enjoyed seeing and meeting the real me and not the tightly wound soul she knew so long ago. She told me I looked happier than she ever remembered me. I truly enjoyed this delightful experience!

The last day of conference was Sunday which was a travel day and since I had a late flight to the airport I made the poor decision to take the MARTA to the airport and for the first time traveling as a woman and transwoman I was a frightened by the experience of a drunk homeless man who had decided to harass me and insult me and in all honesty made me feel very vulnerable to harassment and physical assault. I could not wait for the subway stop at the airport and he proceeded to follow me to the elevators again shouting at me and embarrassing me and trying to ridicule me – based on his misperceptions of me and his staggering drunkenness! Needless to say I was glad to reach the confines of the airport and it taught me a valuable lesson about traveling as a woman and transwoman for which I have added to my education from SCC. However, it is interesting to note that the best experiences, and one that was the worst- but which provided me an opportunity to learn from, I had in Atlanta at SCC this year had little, if anything, to do with the conference itself which is so vastly different from the years before! The activities of the days this year at SCC left me with a disconnected feeling and a sense of reflection of how far I had come from my early days with SCC a few years back. Education takes on many untraditional forms these days for sure. I have grown and I continue to do so as a person. The question is whether, other than seeing some old friends in my community, will SCC continue to provide me with these learning experiences? Let’s put it this way- SCC 2010 may be first one I miss and I know this- if I do go- I am not taking MARTA!

Mirrors, ARF and the death of an Icon

The death of an icon can sometime be sad but the demise of ARF is something I have sought for a long time and it cannot come soon enough. Who or what is ARF? Well, that my friends takes a little bit of background except for a small handful of people who know me now. Additionally, only one member of our community has ever met this character and despite the fact she did, she continued to be friends with the person who portrayed this persona although sometimes I never knew why she ever did. You see folks, ARF is me- although not really me and I feel I may be confusing some at this point so I will start at the beginning…….

As many of you that have read my blogs over the years know I lived most of my life with Melissa stuck inside a shell that has held in and concealed my true essence from the world around me but my emergence over the recent years has eroded that once solid shell to a thin layer of shreds which does not hide who I am as much anymore. Several years ago, I changed careers which helped me not only save my soul but also helped my true essence emerge from the captivity of the shell. However, my current work in the hospitality industry is not how my career life began oh so many years ago. When I was in high school, I always thought about going in the hospitality field but I sensed pressure from others around me that this career would not be sufficient for the dreams of others and I eventually abandoned my pursuit of cooking and the hotel and hospitality industry opportunities and pursued a career which would be more “fitting” the ideas of others- but clearly was not one I was cut out for myself.

After college, I attended and successfully completed law school and was admitted to the bar. I joined a corporate law firm after law school and launched a very successful practice of destroying myself and others while practicing law and reaping the benefits of power, prestige and money that the field enjoys. It was not an easy thing to do and eventually I hit a wall and crashed and I began to realize I could not even get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror any more. Eventually, with some new training and experiences, I changed careers and began working in the hospitality field where I also wanted to be so long ago before I veered into the path of being a blood sucking parasite with a briefcase. (Some of you who have had the opportunity to watch Seinfeld’s the “Bee Movie” will remember the scene at end of movie with the Chris Rock mosquito character)

The was one major problem with me ever attempting to practice law for a corporate law firm is that for one to do so successfully, one must be tough, nasty and a hard as nails SOB- even if one is a woman. To be quite honest, I was never such a person and Melissa could not do this job for sure. Deep down I cared way to much about other people and I loved to create and not destroy but I could not do that and be successful as a lawyer in the dog eat dog, cut throat world of corporate law representing companies through the destruction of the workers of the companies I represented. In fact, I could not show weakness, kindness, tenderness, or emotions such as tears. I instead had to be cold and detached and a heartless bastard and work diligently to aggressively represent my corporate clients in their exploitation of the workers they employed as the company’s labor and employment counsel. This was very difficult to do if I was going to be truly honest as to who I was so my ARF persona was created and he thrived directing my lifeless shell for so many years. ARF stands for Anal Retentive Fuck and that my friends was who I played for the many years as I sold my soul to the devil to be successful at what I did by stealing from “widows and orphans” as the old joke goes.

The ARF was nasty and heartless. My friend Stephanie who was the first transgendered person to reach out to me in the 1990’s said I never smiled and had the look of someone who would not give one damn about doing what was necessary to win a case and I was so uptight it was not even funny. Bus drivers in this town used to try to run me over while I was on the streets and steel workers wanted to run a hot metal beam up my rectum because their companies were some of my clients and I had worked so successfully well to screw them all over while I paraded around as ARF in my grey three piece suits, black wing tip shoes and white button down collared shirts.

People at the firm made jokes about me as I operated as ARF as a cold heartless bastard who would take money from his mother if it meant winning a case for my corporate clients. Now the true caring person who was the real me- Melissa could not live up to being this asshole all the time and there would be times I did many good natured things such as helping the staff frequently and giving them bonuses at the holidays when the firm cut back on them- but I dared not tell anyone there I did those things because then I would show weakness that would be attacked by members of my law firm to carve me up! So the ARF persona continued and continued –day after day! After so long, I could not even look myself in the mirror anymore and I dreaded going to work. Melissa was not like this and I needed to stop pretending to be someone I was not and be who I was both as a person as well as being my true gender. ARF was destroying me and keeping Melissa so tightly wound inside I felt I was sometimes going to explode. I had a choice to make and I made it and I changed careers to doing something I love! While I make a whole lot less money, I am much happier in my work. To be honest, I should have gone this route to start but it is not time for any regrets.

Since the time I switched careers, my friend Stephanie has noticed so much change in me. Melissa, my true self began to emerge and grow, the shell began unraveling and I became calmer, happier, less stressed and more creative. ARF was dying and to be quite honest I think it is safe to say the old icon ARF is dead and no more! I feel, I care, I cry, I love and I embrace. I have my friends to thank as well for helping me emerge as Melissa and to be the caring, tender and loving and creative person I always have been but who was buried in the shell and wrapped in a persona know affectionately now by some as ARF. I kid about this character icon now and then although Stephanie has witnessed its disappearance and has remained my friend through it all …maybe she saw the real me all along ……Paula does not like me to talk about this ugly persona any more than I like for her to discuss her being an “old bitch” as she calls herself. She made an offer to me and the deal was simple …..she won’t bring up OB and I don’t mention ARF…..since neither really apply- I think it’s a good deal and I fully accept …..ARF is dead and I will shed no tears over the death of that icon …long live Melissa! May I shine as her and reflect the glow and warmth of the many true and wonderful friends and sisters I have in our community. It’s good to look in the mirror again!