Wow… …..what a week of highs and lows as my coming out and coming clean party continues in wild and wonderful West Virginia and beyond. It has been a week, twists and turns, surprises and joy and also one of frustration, sadness and many tears. Through it all I have had the support and friendship of some of my family and few old friends but it has been the warmth and support and love of my sisters which has pulled me through and pushed me forward to face yet another week. My friend Chloe Prince said it best …… “Welcome to the club honey and you will have to walk through the ring of fire but there will be many waiting on the other side when you do so” These last few weeks I have felt the flames and although I have been burned a few times I know I have much more to walk through to emerge on the other side but as long as my friends help guide me and support me from time to time I know I can make it through and come out on the other side even if I end up a bit “toasty”.
One of Clint Eastwood’s most famous films from his days as the rough riding western hero was entitled The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. That title clearly depicts the week I have experienced as this process has evolved. Let us start with the ‘ugly” first. It’s so ironic that my earlier life as a lawyer has come back to haunt me in a way as my survival as Melissa with enough assets and money to live on is not in the hands of the piranhas who are the respective lawyers of my soon to be ex wife and myself. The other day I received the summons and Petition for Divorce from the law office and found out that West Virginia has a most peculiar practice of having the petitioning party making all sorts of allegations against the respondent in case the respondent does not stipulate to the fact the parties have “irreconcilable differences” which by the way I would have most gladly stipulated to in a heartbeat. My lawyer says not to worry that language is common in every complaint filed for divorce in this state like it makes it all right somehow that I now have a public document on file in this messed up state which asserts that I have engaged in “cruel and inhumane treatment of my wife”. Cruel and inhumane sounds like things you allege against those involved in caging and hurting animals, the torturing of prisoners in prisons and the kind of crap you allege against people like dictators of countries not against a person who took their wife just four years ago to Alaska for our anniversary cruise. These are the charges that are asserted against someone who took care of her when she was sick with a crippling toothache, who helped her to go back to school and get her new degrees so she could change careers to something she enjoyed, who brought her two beautiful children and flowers and gifts and cards and wonderful vacations and I seem to also recall some wonderful nights of intimacy. However, I am now asserted to be in the same boat as every common dictator and prison guard of third world countries and slave owners and every other person who has engaged in acts of severe cruelty and in humane treatment towards their fellow human beings. In short, this document asserts I am less than a human being. I don't claim to have been the perfect husband by any stretch of the imagination and I am not even contending that and I have made many mistakes and had bouts of anger and frustration which sometimes my family got the brunt of most unfortunately and I made my share of mistakes in 24 years but I told her how these allegations hurt me deeply and I cried for most of the afternoon. I asked her for one example of where I had been engaged in such a level of conduct to be cruel and inhumane treatment and she could just muddle something about that being standard language of complaints here and she was “sorry”. Like that means anything. I went out a hired me a piranha to tangle with her piranha so we can piss more money down the toilet. The only thing that is good is that my piranha apparently can eat her piranha for lunch. My friends there has to be a better way to handle the dissolution of a marriage over something like me coming out as who I really am as a person and living life as I was meant to live it than assertions of cruelty and inhumane treatment and the hiring of piranhas. No wonder I got out of this profession…….
Now for the bad ………..the causality reports from my public disclosures continue to pour in but fortunately they are mostly from a few friends who I guess were not really my friends and I have made so many more than I lost in my many years in this wonderful community. The remainder of the bunch were my soon to be ex in-laws which I really could care less about since they were only associated with me through my soon to be ending marriage to their sister or one of her siblings’ spouses. My wife’s mother was a dear lady who loved me and was actually easier to get along with than my own mother and I may very well have been her favorite son in law. All of that ended very quickly and she has been hurt and angry over my dislcosures. My wife feels I should have told her in person and she is right and its just that I am better at writing things down than expressing emotional things in person. It is something I will need to work on in my life very much. I was told my brother in law is really struggling with it…of course he is …he did the same thing with our common friend David when he came out gay because my brother in-law is a homophobe and I know I will miss my time the another brother in law who is a bearded, beer drinking, car racing and brew brewing redneck with a strange resemblance to Charles Mansion. The guy gives me the creeps. Maybe a few of these people will on her side of family will come around and someday I hope they will give Melissa a chance but if they don’t so be it- they are my ex in-laws! The real damage this week was my son who has not spoken to me in several weeks and who left for college this week without even saying goodbye to me despite the pleading of his mother and sister to do so. I will admit I cried hard as I looked out the window and saw him drive away wondering if that will be the last time I ever see him. I dropped to the floor and cried until I had no more tears left. That one hurt and it hurt deeply and it came on the same day my wife alleges I am the next Attila the Hun. Pretty shitty day if I must say and one I will remember for quite a while. I can only hope my son’s experiences at college will open his eyes and mind to the world and that he will grow to see it is not all black and white and Americana of the family of four with Mom, Dad and two kids living in rural West Virginia. It is all I have to hope for and that in time he will want to see and reconnect with me but if he does not I guess I will carry that pain and that memory of that very bad day with me for many years to come…in fact I doubt I will ever forget it!
And now because I think this blog should end on a high note…..here is the good! I did receive a phone call form my sister in law on my side-my deceased brother’s wife who offered her love and support and kindness to me and told me I would be welcome at her home any time and that I am most welcome to come and be part of the holidays with them. Then I got letters from my nephew and niece…....my brother’s children and wonderful loving caring young people they are. My nephew is 32 and my niece is 28 and they warmed my heart with their letters:
Aunt Melissa, Let me first say that I'm really glad you felt comfortable sharing this news with my mother, Denise and I (I got the letter you sent to Jeannie this evening). I cannot even begin to imagine everything you have been going through for however long you've been keeping this inside. I do know how difficult the past few years have been for external reasons with the passing of both your parents and your brother. It was no small feat taking care of many logistics, paperwork, etc...during the passing of all these family members, and we certainly appreciated your effort and support during these tough times. In any case, let me say that I am here now to support you in this life change in whatever capacity I can (I can speak for Denise and my mother as well, but I know they will be in further contact with you too). I do like to consider myself as open and accepting as I hope anyone can possibly be. I am a bleeding-heart liberal after all ;-). I do not have any experience in this type of situation and I will apologize in advance for anything I say or do that is not correct or deemed inappropriate. I do have several good friends who are openly gay which gives me a little perspective on some of the struggles associated with sexual identity, and I can only imagine some of the unique "challenges" (not sure if that's appropriate either) of a transgender. I guess the most important thing is that you should feel comfortable contacting me whenever via email, phone, etc... to talk about anything at all. The same should be said to Karen, Rachael and Ian if they ever want to talk to me as well. I know I am not the best at keeping in touch with other members of the family, and I should do better at that myself. I am very happy to hear about your existing support network, and I hope that between those you interact with now and family members such as myself, that we can be there in case you ever need anything. I do not like to hear about suicide statistics associated with transgender persons, and I care for your well being above all else. One final note, I should point out that you're certainly more than welcome to come visit Anneliese and I here in Colorado if you ever decide you want to come out this way. Take care and hopefully we can talk again soon (perhaps a phone call is in order), Curtis
My letter from my niece was equally as supportive and loving and addressed me in the same manner. It was full of love and kindness and words of support for all. My brother raised some wonderful children and I have been told by all three people he would have accepted and embraced me as Melissa and supported me throughout my transition and life. I miss him now more than ever!
Finally my week ended with one of those curveballs you get during the coming out period. I know I was told to expect some surprises and they go both ways – some people you think will be ok with it reject you outright and some you thought would actually embrace you and want to remain friends. My friend Stu is such a person. To be quite honest I suspected he would not be so comfortable with this and would likely fade away. He is a conservative Republican type and I kind of figured he may not be so cool with all this. I was wrong and badly wrong as his letter to me warmed my heart on the same day my son left and my wife alleges I am the kin of Marque de Sade. Here was the letter I received
Dear Melissa,
I have read your letter several times and by far you have redefined the meaning of a mid-life crisis! Am I shocked? No! Am I surprised? Well, Yes! Of course a million questions are going through my mind, many are just questions of curiosity since you are the only close FRIEND that I know of, that is a transgender person. I guess our friendship goes back to the fall of 1978 when you pledged the Pikes. Over the years, we have seen many fraternity parties, WVU football games, Christmas and New Year’s Eve parties, and vacations together. Frankly, I do not see that changing. We have been friends for 30 years and I hope we are friends for the next 30 years. (I will be 81 or have daisies growing above me).
I realize that you will be going through a great deal of transformation in the upcoming months. If there is anything I can help you with, please call me. And of course if you are in town, please call me so we can get together! You are always welcome to stay at my place.
My thoughts go out to you, Karen, Rachael, and Ian in these difficult times. I assume Ian will be attending WVU this fall, while Rachael is looking for gainful employment, and of course I assume Karen will remain in Huntington and continue teaching.
Keep in touch as events transpire and that you feel comfortable disclosing to me.
Stu
We have already made plans to get together for lunch in September. I guess one has to learn to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly in life but I always hope for more good than bad and ugly but my journey through the rings of fire will continue and I will count on my many friends and family in this community as well as those of my past life to pull me through without too much burn damage! Thank you all for your loving kindness and support! I also ask that you support and pray and think of my family in this most difficult time and that we all can find peace someday in our lives. Hugs, Melissa
One of Clint Eastwood’s most famous films from his days as the rough riding western hero was entitled The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. That title clearly depicts the week I have experienced as this process has evolved. Let us start with the ‘ugly” first. It’s so ironic that my earlier life as a lawyer has come back to haunt me in a way as my survival as Melissa with enough assets and money to live on is not in the hands of the piranhas who are the respective lawyers of my soon to be ex wife and myself. The other day I received the summons and Petition for Divorce from the law office and found out that West Virginia has a most peculiar practice of having the petitioning party making all sorts of allegations against the respondent in case the respondent does not stipulate to the fact the parties have “irreconcilable differences” which by the way I would have most gladly stipulated to in a heartbeat. My lawyer says not to worry that language is common in every complaint filed for divorce in this state like it makes it all right somehow that I now have a public document on file in this messed up state which asserts that I have engaged in “cruel and inhumane treatment of my wife”. Cruel and inhumane sounds like things you allege against those involved in caging and hurting animals, the torturing of prisoners in prisons and the kind of crap you allege against people like dictators of countries not against a person who took their wife just four years ago to Alaska for our anniversary cruise. These are the charges that are asserted against someone who took care of her when she was sick with a crippling toothache, who helped her to go back to school and get her new degrees so she could change careers to something she enjoyed, who brought her two beautiful children and flowers and gifts and cards and wonderful vacations and I seem to also recall some wonderful nights of intimacy. However, I am now asserted to be in the same boat as every common dictator and prison guard of third world countries and slave owners and every other person who has engaged in acts of severe cruelty and in humane treatment towards their fellow human beings. In short, this document asserts I am less than a human being. I don't claim to have been the perfect husband by any stretch of the imagination and I am not even contending that and I have made many mistakes and had bouts of anger and frustration which sometimes my family got the brunt of most unfortunately and I made my share of mistakes in 24 years but I told her how these allegations hurt me deeply and I cried for most of the afternoon. I asked her for one example of where I had been engaged in such a level of conduct to be cruel and inhumane treatment and she could just muddle something about that being standard language of complaints here and she was “sorry”. Like that means anything. I went out a hired me a piranha to tangle with her piranha so we can piss more money down the toilet. The only thing that is good is that my piranha apparently can eat her piranha for lunch. My friends there has to be a better way to handle the dissolution of a marriage over something like me coming out as who I really am as a person and living life as I was meant to live it than assertions of cruelty and inhumane treatment and the hiring of piranhas. No wonder I got out of this profession…….
Now for the bad ………..the causality reports from my public disclosures continue to pour in but fortunately they are mostly from a few friends who I guess were not really my friends and I have made so many more than I lost in my many years in this wonderful community. The remainder of the bunch were my soon to be ex in-laws which I really could care less about since they were only associated with me through my soon to be ending marriage to their sister or one of her siblings’ spouses. My wife’s mother was a dear lady who loved me and was actually easier to get along with than my own mother and I may very well have been her favorite son in law. All of that ended very quickly and she has been hurt and angry over my dislcosures. My wife feels I should have told her in person and she is right and its just that I am better at writing things down than expressing emotional things in person. It is something I will need to work on in my life very much. I was told my brother in law is really struggling with it…of course he is …he did the same thing with our common friend David when he came out gay because my brother in-law is a homophobe and I know I will miss my time the another brother in law who is a bearded, beer drinking, car racing and brew brewing redneck with a strange resemblance to Charles Mansion. The guy gives me the creeps. Maybe a few of these people will on her side of family will come around and someday I hope they will give Melissa a chance but if they don’t so be it- they are my ex in-laws! The real damage this week was my son who has not spoken to me in several weeks and who left for college this week without even saying goodbye to me despite the pleading of his mother and sister to do so. I will admit I cried hard as I looked out the window and saw him drive away wondering if that will be the last time I ever see him. I dropped to the floor and cried until I had no more tears left. That one hurt and it hurt deeply and it came on the same day my wife alleges I am the next Attila the Hun. Pretty shitty day if I must say and one I will remember for quite a while. I can only hope my son’s experiences at college will open his eyes and mind to the world and that he will grow to see it is not all black and white and Americana of the family of four with Mom, Dad and two kids living in rural West Virginia. It is all I have to hope for and that in time he will want to see and reconnect with me but if he does not I guess I will carry that pain and that memory of that very bad day with me for many years to come…in fact I doubt I will ever forget it!
And now because I think this blog should end on a high note…..here is the good! I did receive a phone call form my sister in law on my side-my deceased brother’s wife who offered her love and support and kindness to me and told me I would be welcome at her home any time and that I am most welcome to come and be part of the holidays with them. Then I got letters from my nephew and niece…....my brother’s children and wonderful loving caring young people they are. My nephew is 32 and my niece is 28 and they warmed my heart with their letters:
Aunt Melissa, Let me first say that I'm really glad you felt comfortable sharing this news with my mother, Denise and I (I got the letter you sent to Jeannie this evening). I cannot even begin to imagine everything you have been going through for however long you've been keeping this inside. I do know how difficult the past few years have been for external reasons with the passing of both your parents and your brother. It was no small feat taking care of many logistics, paperwork, etc...during the passing of all these family members, and we certainly appreciated your effort and support during these tough times. In any case, let me say that I am here now to support you in this life change in whatever capacity I can (I can speak for Denise and my mother as well, but I know they will be in further contact with you too). I do like to consider myself as open and accepting as I hope anyone can possibly be. I am a bleeding-heart liberal after all ;-). I do not have any experience in this type of situation and I will apologize in advance for anything I say or do that is not correct or deemed inappropriate. I do have several good friends who are openly gay which gives me a little perspective on some of the struggles associated with sexual identity, and I can only imagine some of the unique "challenges" (not sure if that's appropriate either) of a transgender. I guess the most important thing is that you should feel comfortable contacting me whenever via email, phone, etc... to talk about anything at all. The same should be said to Karen, Rachael and Ian if they ever want to talk to me as well. I know I am not the best at keeping in touch with other members of the family, and I should do better at that myself. I am very happy to hear about your existing support network, and I hope that between those you interact with now and family members such as myself, that we can be there in case you ever need anything. I do not like to hear about suicide statistics associated with transgender persons, and I care for your well being above all else. One final note, I should point out that you're certainly more than welcome to come visit Anneliese and I here in Colorado if you ever decide you want to come out this way. Take care and hopefully we can talk again soon (perhaps a phone call is in order), Curtis
My letter from my niece was equally as supportive and loving and addressed me in the same manner. It was full of love and kindness and words of support for all. My brother raised some wonderful children and I have been told by all three people he would have accepted and embraced me as Melissa and supported me throughout my transition and life. I miss him now more than ever!
Finally my week ended with one of those curveballs you get during the coming out period. I know I was told to expect some surprises and they go both ways – some people you think will be ok with it reject you outright and some you thought would actually embrace you and want to remain friends. My friend Stu is such a person. To be quite honest I suspected he would not be so comfortable with this and would likely fade away. He is a conservative Republican type and I kind of figured he may not be so cool with all this. I was wrong and badly wrong as his letter to me warmed my heart on the same day my son left and my wife alleges I am the kin of Marque de Sade. Here was the letter I received
Dear Melissa,
I have read your letter several times and by far you have redefined the meaning of a mid-life crisis! Am I shocked? No! Am I surprised? Well, Yes! Of course a million questions are going through my mind, many are just questions of curiosity since you are the only close FRIEND that I know of, that is a transgender person. I guess our friendship goes back to the fall of 1978 when you pledged the Pikes. Over the years, we have seen many fraternity parties, WVU football games, Christmas and New Year’s Eve parties, and vacations together. Frankly, I do not see that changing. We have been friends for 30 years and I hope we are friends for the next 30 years. (I will be 81 or have daisies growing above me).
I realize that you will be going through a great deal of transformation in the upcoming months. If there is anything I can help you with, please call me. And of course if you are in town, please call me so we can get together! You are always welcome to stay at my place.
My thoughts go out to you, Karen, Rachael, and Ian in these difficult times. I assume Ian will be attending WVU this fall, while Rachael is looking for gainful employment, and of course I assume Karen will remain in Huntington and continue teaching.
Keep in touch as events transpire and that you feel comfortable disclosing to me.
Stu
We have already made plans to get together for lunch in September. I guess one has to learn to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly in life but I always hope for more good than bad and ugly but my journey through the rings of fire will continue and I will count on my many friends and family in this community as well as those of my past life to pull me through without too much burn damage! Thank you all for your loving kindness and support! I also ask that you support and pray and think of my family in this most difficult time and that we all can find peace someday in our lives. Hugs, Melissa
1 comment:
Melissa,
I worked with you years ago and don't know if you'll remember me. Just wanted to let you know that I admire your courage and your wish to live your life as a happy and ocmplete person. Not saying I fully understand, but it's your choice and I applaud it. Hopefully your family, once the hurt, anger and confusion go away, will embrace you as the person who has loved and cherished them. Good luck in your new life!
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