Going Home Again-The Class Reunion

There was a old saying that “you cannot go home again” which meant that if and when you do things will be so different that it is not the “home” you remembered it to be if you have been gone so long and everything changed. This is also because you have also changed since you left and for someone like me that change can be far more significant than most other people. However, I think that sometimes you can go home again in small doses and while there clearly there have been changes they can be put aside for period of time to reconnect with friends from the past. This is particularly true for attending a high school class reunion when one has experienced what I have been through in coming out as transgendered and going through all the changes I have been through over the last few years.

This past weekend I attended my 32nd high school class reunion. Now most of you not associated with my class are probably asking “32nd” class reunion? That seems like a strange number. Well I would have to agree with you on this but our class did not get together on our 25th or 30th so it had been since 1998 since our group had gathered and one of my classmates, Debbie Stith Arlinghaus decided we had waited long enough so she organized the gathering of the BHS Class of 1978. She put a lot work into planning the event and gathering up the gang and the turnout for the reunion was really truly fabulous. Facebook and other internet connections always make this process a bit easier than it used to be that is for sure.

When I first heard about the event I will admit that I did not immediately jump at the idea of “going back”. Things have not always gone well in the past when I have attempted to reconnect or stay connected to others in past periods of my life and I was not sure how this would play out as well. However, after a couple days of thinking about it and some chats with Debbie I decided it was not fair for me to assume anything about my old classmates (yes we are all old as about 99% of us hit 50 this year) and I should give them an opportunity to meet the person they did not know as well as they maybe thought they did in high school. Besides it would only be for a few hours so if it went sour I could always bail and return to my new home here with my partner and friends in Columbus. Despite the bit of trepidation I decided I would go so I reworked some things on my schedule and hopped in my car to head south on I-71. I had a few minutes to kill before heading out to the location of the event so I drove through my old hometown and drove by a few places that were always special to me as well as my high school and my home I was raised in and lived in until I left for WV.

I got out of my car and headed up the hill to where the event was taking place which was a nice bar with a great outdoor venue area and patio owned and operated by another classmate of mine Pam Reeves Caudill and her husband who also graduated from our school but not in the same class. I was immediately welcomed and hugged by Debbie and Pam and a host of other women from my class. Some like Kelly had had some experiences with peoplefrom the LGBT community. No- not those kinds of “experiences” but conversations and such but the fact she had been around others did not surprise me as Kelly was always the adventurous one in school!) The questions began and I answered all of them and kidded with them about the whole process and what had gone on over the last few years in my life and my journey. It was great to see everyone again and talk about our lives and even the past.

The internet is sometimes a double edged sword. While it clearly helped me connect with other people like me and learn more about events, community support and groups and such, it is also a source for vast information about someone or the aspects of one’s life that become revealed to others. My high school is in a large metro area of Cincinnati but the town itself is a small one and just like what had happened in my town where I lived in WV for over twenty years, the “news” of my life and transition and the fact I was transgendered did not stay under wraps for long. Apparently, just like the firestorm which hit my old town in WV, word spread like wildfire through my old hometown and place of birth just as fast. Evidently, many discovered a website I had created on my struggles and journey and my “secret life” but in all honesty I sometimes forget how easy it is to do so. I had become Facebook friends with some of them over the last year as well. So they all knew a lot more about me and what had on gone on my life over the last few years. A few out of town people obviously did not know what had transpired so that called for a bit more explaining.

Despite all this I think it was important that they got to meet the real me- the one they never even knew existed and who lived deeply buried in a tightly wrapped shell for a good part of my life. Maybe in the deep recesses of the back of my mind I thought maybe one day they might get that opportunity if I could find my way through the entanglements that could lead me to the other side and letting people see me for who I am and always really have been in this life- Melissa.

I still of course got a lot of questions and I answered them all the best I could and I do not consider anything to off limits. The learning process requires openness and honesty. I answered questions about my surgeries and transition both physically and legally. While I enjoyed catching up on what has gone on in their lives and work (it is hard to believe some of my classmates have grand kids!) I have to admit I did get a few “different” questions during the evening. Some of these included wondering whether “pink was my signature color” or “how I took the name Melissa” to the best one of the night which came after I explained the surgery and the fact I have a vagina now when I was asked “does it work?” Yes- it does work quite well thank you!

Most of my chats that evening were with the women in my class who I will say were just a bit more overall comfortable with me than some of the men but I kind of just expect that will occur in these situations. I usually get one or two of the men who still insist on addressing me in the wrong gender pronoun but that is expected. I had a nice chat with Jeff. Jack also listened as I tried to explain all this in a few minutes to him but at least his last question was right on point when he said “I don’t understand all this but are you happy with your life now?” and after answering affirmatively , he said , “I guess that is all that really matters”.

Dave Fessler was one of my good friends from high school and I received a warm hug from him and his lovely wife, Jill. He also sent me several messages before the event and after which I clearly enjoyed as well. In the one before he stated “Hello old friend. While this new you is taking some getting used to, you are as much a friend as always. Forgive me in advance though if I ever use your "old" name! Take care. In the one to follow the reunion he stated “Great to see you (and all our classmates) at the reunion. Hope all went well and you enjoyed yourself. Jill and I had a great time and I enjoyed seeing everyone.Beyond that, I wanted to share a quote with you that I often think about and which I think you will also appreciate. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that ‘What lies before us, and what lies behind us are small matters when compared to what lies within us.’ Take care, and God's grace be with you.”

Yes Dave I appreciate that quote very much and I think it is quite appropriate for me in my journey. I had a blast at the reunion and it was indeed so much fun to see everyone again and let them get acquainted with the person they did not know as well back in the old days but who by their actions and expressions have proven that form time to time you can go “home” again and always will be welcome when you do!

The Winter Blues

I dislike winter a great deal and seem to do so more and more each and every winter season. Sure a little snow and cold is nice in December to celebrate the holidays but it quickly grows old by the time it is time to put the Christmas Tree away for season. Particularly harsh winters like the one we have experienced here in central Ohio these past few months seems to only make my distain of winter even more intense. It seems like I cannot remember looking out the window of my dwelling and not seeing piles of snow everywhere. I have broken a windshield wiper and an ice scraper already this season with the removal of snow from my car. I have driven home from work after a 14 hour day with 10 inches of snow on the ground and the interstate reduced to system with two tire tracks on an icy, snow-packed nightmare where top speeds are 20-25 miles per hour! That was, of course after I spent twenty minutes just digging my car out of the parking lot to even begin driving. That mess had barely settled when another storm dumped ten more ….enough is enough already!.

When I was a child winters never better me much at all. Wintery days full of snow and ice meant the ever precious “Snow Day” from school and that the ice and snow conditions were great for sledding with my friends in my neighborhood. The cold invigorated me and winter seemed liked fun. Today, I find it disgusting. Even when it is not snowing, it is spewing another of my least favorite weather conditions- cold rain. Let me state this for a fact, nothing cuts through your body to chill and ache your aging bones like cold rain! Even when it is not snowing or raining, it stays cold, dark and grey and always overcast. My sinuses hate the effects of winter. My car hates driving in it and the effects of snow and ice and salt do nothing but damage its frame and push it to survive. My body is deprived of the warmth of the sun. Each year that we finally experience that nice warm sunny spring day I bask in the warmth the sun and breeze on my body like my entire body is renewed with life.

Some people ask why I don’t move somewhere where it is warm even in the winter. First of all, those places those places are near my group of friends here. Secondly, they are usually in places where the cost of living is three to four times that of the Midwest. I realized the other day I have lived in only four cities in my life and all four are drivable from the other by a five hour drive or less. All the cities have experienced the seasons full cycle. Each year, it seems to me that winter last longer. I know it doesn’t actually but it sure feels like it does. The winter of 09-10 has been one of the worst and I have struggled with its wrath and effects much more than in winters past. The absence of the sun affects me emotionally as well. Each winter seems to have a cumulative effect on my body and spirit. I don’t think Paula has enjoyed much of this winter as well. So I for one cannot await the arrival of spring. I will sing and dance with great joy and let the sun’s warm rays cast down upon my body. I will take great joy in celebrating the demise of the cold, dark wet winter and sing of spring’s sweet arrival!

Pictured above is my friend Lana and I at my birthday dinner celebration last month.

Politics of Change and Focus

Politics is a very dirty word and not just figuratively any more. We have all seen the polls out there that show that Republicans and conservatives are the favorite darlings in Americana and in the state of Ohio where I live. Just a little over a year ago the landscape looked vastly different and liberals, progressives and Democrats (myself included in this "mix") were celebrating the gains in the U.s. Senate and House and President’s historic election as this country’s first non white President. In Ohio seats were gained that shifted control of the house to a more progressive view. There was talk of HB 176 in Ohio which provides protections to those in the LGBT community against discrimination at work, in loans, in housing and public accommodations. At the national level excitement grew that we could realistically see serious reform to a health care system which is designed not to take care of people but to see that insurance companies makes billions of dollars. The largest turnout ever for NCTE’s lobby days occurred last spring on the belief that ENDA legislation was a real possibility. DADT could become history and we even thought we might see a few wins on the issue of same gender unions in some states although it was not going to be Ohio due to George W. Bush’s campaign team putting a constitutional issue on the ballot in 2004 so he could win re-election. All in all, it looked like some real progress for social justice and reform might actually be accomplished- something that has not happened since the 1960’s.

However, when President Obama entered office last January the winds of force began to change and change quickly. There are several factors for this phenomenon-not the least of which is the fact he is black and the boys with the white privilege began to feel threatened by the fact the President was not among “their crowd”. Secondly, the economy- thanks largely to the ineptitude and design of his predecessor, President Obama entered office with the fragile economy at its lowest point in a very long time and a bank crises and faltering stock market to boot. The Republicans, who under “W’ took the surplus that Clinton had left and spent it and then some to the tune of 6 million dollars then tried to blame it all on the “liberal Democrats” as they always sing that tune. When Obama added one million more through the stimulus bill all of a sudden he is the coming of the Antichrist! Tea baggers and religious right wing extremists bolstered by their win on Prop 8 and other states began chomping at the bit to take him apart. Since then the polls for Obama and Democrats at the national level as well as state level began spiraling into the abyss and with their downfall came any hope of passing progressive legislation or correcting a healthcare mess that leaves forty million people uninsured. Healthcare, my friends, is not a luxury – it is a necessity of life to sustain one’s self. The economy is sluggishly improving but no one expected it to turn around over night- not with the biggest downfall since nearly the great depression. Bottom line is that many people have no jobs, no healthcare and no rights. This is particularly important to those of us in the LGBT community who are swimming at the bottom of the cesspool. It is downright depressing and I am not very hopeful.

Can Obama and the Dems salvage the situation? Possibly but it would take a near miracle. I mean let’s face it, a beefcake boy from the Republicans wins the seat that six months ago was held in Massachusetts by one of the most progressive and liberal U.S. Senators in history for the past forty years! A year ago that would have been laughed at if anyone even suggested it. Obama must change his direction if he has any chance of minimizing the damage this fall across the country. Here is what I would do to try and salvage the mess.

First of all, embrace the progressives and liberals who helped get you elected in the first place Mr. President. Unless you energize this base the Dems stand no real chance of averting disaster.
Second, pack up all the troops in the Middle East and come home. We have wasted billions of dollars of taxpayer money engaged in two wars we cannot win in countries with culture we cannot understand. Divert the troops to two main purposes such as helping the nation and countries such as Haiti rebuild from disasters. The balance of the forces should be used to protect our borders from threats to our country by people who misuse Islam as a front to afflict hatred and terror on the people of this country. The money we have spent fighting wars in Iraq and Afghanistan over the past nine years could have financed the finest healthcare imaginable for every citizen of this nation.

Third – fire your advisers and some of your staff Mr. President. These people have aided in the financial mess this country is in and they are also giving you so much bad advice
Fourth- stand up fiercely to the opposition and show leadership.
Fifth- the economy is on everyone’s mind and is the only way you can get back in the public’s good graces so come after it and put in an aggressive policy that includes not just stimulus money but tax breaks and incentives. Reward business which expand, those that start and those that hire Americans and punish the cheaters and those that shift jobs overseas. Create opportunities and incentives for starting businesses in deeply economic depressed areas. Think outside the box and hammer the opposition if they fail to step up to the plate and contribute.

Next- get the healthcare reform bill through Congress by simplifying it. Reform things like pre-existing exclusions and insist on public option for the forty million Americans without any healthcare. Healthcare is not a luxury but a necessity. The public option would bring the carriers more in line and provide option for those unable to procure insurance through private means. Keep the plan simple and focused on prevention as well.

Finally, pass ENDA. Civil rights are just that- ensuring that all people are judged by their work and character and not who they once were anatomically or who they sleep with or wish to be with as a partner. The same was true for gender and color and race and age and disability and everything which has come before. Basic rights cost the government little out of the treasury. Every citizen is entitled to them – period – end of issue! If people want to discriminate in who they let come into their church or synagogue or masque so be it but every citizen is to be free of discrimination in necessities like a place to sleep and eat and a job to pay for the basic necessities of life. Get out there and explain it in terms of civil rights.

There you have it Mr. President- keep it focused and simple -push and explain and don’t wait to do something until it is too late. Show the fight and spirit you showed in running for office and promising change. Demonstrate leadership and vision and reassure Americans. It’s what politics is really all about and not the system of stalemate and posturing that only gets us further in the whole in this country!

The Ominous Birthday!

I remember the day I turned 16 and headed off to take my driver’s test so I could have that coveted driver’s license which would give me so much more freedom, or at least I thought. I still even remember my birthdays as a child with two parties- one for the adults and one for my friends from the neighborhood and school. My mother, who, like me, loved to bake, would always make cupcakes and take them into my grade school on my birthdays as well. The kids would all sing Happy Birthday to me on my special day. I did not mind my birthdays at all-for who would not like cake and ice cream and presents! It was my special day! As I grew older the celebrations diminished but it was my special day and one cannot ever outgrow cake and ice cream not matter what age!

When I turned 18 I remember the wild party that ensued with my high school classmates for I had reached adulthood and was now able to vote, work without restrictions, own my car and other property and for most things treated as an adult. When I turned 21and was able to legally drink everywhere and I remember my friends taking me out for a wild celebration that included each one taking turns buying me shots of their choice (and each trying to be more “creative”) with the expectation that I was to make it to 21 shots in addition to all the other alcohol I had consumed. I remember 17 shots but nothing afterward until about 5 AM in the morning when I was eating at some 24 hour diner with the few survivors. It did not matter- I was young and I was invincible. I did not need sleep and I partied like there was no tomorrow- what did I care I was young and my whole life was ahead of me!

Each birthday after that was a nice celebration of cake and ice cream and each birthday morning in my old life began with the playing on the stereo of the Beatle’s classic hit “Birthday” followed that evening by presents and cards from my family. My ex always took me out to dinner to celebrate as I did for her birthday. When I turned 30, I still felt so young and invincible and still carrying deeply buried secret so immersed in side me- but I still had so much of my life left. My daughter was only four and my son had just been born two weeks earlier. I made more money than I knew what do with as a young partner in a law firm of much prestige.

On the day I turned forty I took the day of work to spend the day with my son and daughter who were off school for some reason. By this time the secret I had been carrying had long since emerged and I had long begun struggling with my identity of who I really was underneath that shell that hid me so well for so long and my career was began to unravel as well. But I still believed I could control it- I was invincible! The day started as usual with the blaring of the Beatle’s tune and that weekend would be presents and cake and dinner with my family. My staff at the office had decided to decorate my office with tombstones and black streamers and all sorts of decorations insinuating that I was “over the hill”! I laughed at the spectacle. I was forty- I was still young and I had my whole life ahead of me and I was still a partner in a law firm and making more money in year than my father made in six or seven years! I did not give one thought to the decade that was ahead of me.

The past decade did many things to shake me from my feeling of youth and invincibility. My true self continued to emerge from the layers I had poured on her and made me feel so much more alive but also so much more vulnerable. A few years into the decade I would be faced with dealing with Alzheimer’s which had ravished my mother and the advanced age of my parents as well as the ultimate deaths of my mother and my father and the untimely death of my brother. I began to realize that I was not invincible and someday my time would come. I did not want people to remember me as the person I was not and as a coward who hid the real me from the world. The decade would bring about the decision to transition to live my life as who I really was and not someone I pretended to be. I left the law firm and began another career and then yet another. My transition brought about many changes in me and the disintegration of my family relations and rejection of my children. I met Paula and over a year fell in love with this beautiful loving woman who accepted me and embraced me for who I truly was and we began a life together but that only added more pain to others. I would be challenged physically with medications, hormones, laser and electrolysis and, of course, several difficult and physically challenging surgeries to bring my anatomy in line with my soul and essence!

Now in a couple weeks I will hit another milestone- my fiftieth birthday! 50- For God sakes that is old! I really don’t feel that old and hopefully I don’t look it either but just saying it makes me feel old. Thirty was young and forty sounded kind of young-BUT 50 is old. I face this coming birthday with some trepidation! I don’t care what you say about some of you hitting 50 or even 60 or 70 already ……turning fifty really hits you right smack in the face with a taunting message that says…”Just how invincible are you now girl!!!”I can no longer tell myself I am in my forties and still “sort of young”. No – I am about to embark on the fifties and that my friends is no longer young- no matter how you look it. I am a middle-aged woman……

Although I will enter this birthday landmark with some trepidation; I cannot stop it from coming anymore than I could all the rest of them that have come before …..it will come just like the rest of them came, with a little fanfare, some well wishes and cards, some presents from my love Paula, a nice dinner out and some cake and ice cream. It will come and I will enter a new decade of life but this decade will be at least one of living it as who I truly am and always have been! Maybe it will also include a blaring of a little Beatles tune as well….I guess I should be glad it is not “When I’m sixty-four” huh?