Where Everyone Knows My Name!

Do you remember the time in elementary school that if you did not like someone in your class you did not say their name and tried to pretend like they did not exist. Well lately I feel I have been thrown back to the second grade and it largely comes at the action and inactions of my soon to be ex wife. My wife sends me some of my old mail as I continue the process of redirecting mail to my new home in Ohio. When she does send anything, it comes in an envelope marked only by my last name and she does not write the word “ Melissa” on it even though that is my name both spiritually as well as legally. How hard would be to write those letters on an envelope and mail it? I guess for her ….pretty damn hard! I write to her to find out things such whether I received something in the mail or to find out how she is doing or how our kids are doing since they have no contact with me at all. I sometimes try to discuss my emotions and feelings and anguish and such with her and I always write her addressing her by her first name and sign off by giving mine. I get no answers to my questions. I receive no response to my queries and usually it is either a one sentence response or a blistering tirade of screaming and ALL CAPS and underlines and exclamation points!!!! Nowhere in any of my communication from her is my name used at all- like I don’t have one…….it just is either short and nonresponsive or a flaming tirade to some unknown entity. I have a name you know and it is customary for one to write you to use it as I think we covered this in letter structure concept back in junior high school.

I have done everything I can to keep the peace on the name thing such as informing the organizations of my new address and such but sometimes they don’t read (guess it is not a requirement for employment) and send the documents to my old address where my wife still resides and then all hell breaks loose as she sees the name of Melissa on something and goes into another tirade. She is mad because I changed my life insurance documents to reflect my new legal name and does not see how this should be allowed to happen since her name is listed as beneficiary or owner of them. Well here is how it works. Those I own have my old name on them so I changed it to reflect new name even though she is listed as beneficiary (a matter which will soon be corrected believe me ) or they are policies she owns but I am named beneficiary and my name was changed to new name. She is also free to kick me off her policies as well and name a new one as it is a free country. However, this could present a dilemma in as much as she will have to write them and tell them she wishes to drop “Melissa” off the policies as named beneficiaries and that means she will have to write the word “Melissa” on a letter.

Earlier this month she held my new social security card with my new name on it because she was made it came to her due to the clerk’s error. My inability to get this document caused me to be unable to verify it to the bank and they locked down my accounts. Then she goes into a tirade about the fact she cannot cash a check I sent her on my account even though the very reason she could not do so is because of her not sending me the document. I tried to my best to direct documents to my new address but some of the companies did not do so and common courtesy is to send them on in envelope addressed to the person. I got another tirade from her about the name change itself as if I had to somehow secure her permission or that of my adult children to change my legal name to reflect who I truly am and how I live my life. I again make reference to the statement above that this is still a free country and one has a right to change their name so long as it is not done for illegal purposes.

Now for her latest antics she is having her lawyer object to the temporary order which my lawyer prepared at the request of the Judge following the temporary hearing. Most people object to court orders based on the contents of the order itself (you know the meat and potatoes of the order discussing terms and monies and such) but not my wife. She is objecting to the caption on the order itself which reads her name as petitioner versus my old name as respondent and placed in parenthesis afterward are the words (now known as Melissa Marie Alexander) which of course, is the truth. I did not ask my counsel to do this but she tells me that it is common for wives who resume their maiden names to have this listed in parenthesis so she saw no difference simply because I legally changed my name as part of my transition and life fulltime as Melissa as a transgendered person. So here we go spending money on lawyers to litigate over the caption on an order to a case. You talk about throwing money down the drain- this, my friends, is clearly the definition of such frivolity.


I hope someday my wife can let go of the hate and anger and we can become friends so we can work together on such things as our beautiful children who I never see or hear from ever. I begged her to seek counseling and get her feelings out on the table and try to move forward. I offered her the opportunity to come to support group or that I would find resources for her to join such as groups of families of transgendered people so she can share and vent and find ways to heal. However, for us to move forward and begin talking again as people like we did the one week in July when all this came out in the full blown open and to communicate about our children, it will take her making the step to address me by my name – Melissa. We cannot move forward unless we get past the second grade antics and junior high English and she addresses me by my true name as well as my legal one- Melissa. What I think changed after that time in July was she got around family and friends who told her she must fight this and despise me because they cannot deal with transgendered issues and believe people like me should be condemned and fought at every turn and not even afforded even the dignity of our name. I hope someday we can move forward and I hope someday she finds great peace and happiness in her life- but clearly this will take much time and the road we have to travel is long and far. We are stuck at a point on that road where she cannot read, write or say the road sign on it that reads “Melissa” We are stuck at a point where everyone knows my name but her. We cannot take steps to move forward without first recognizing who we are as people that is for sure……..

Why I Write

Why do I write these blogs? That is a good question my friends and an even better one is why I write anything at all. Some people on here complain about all the “drama” or ranting that is involved in some of the blogs found on the net, including I am sure, mine from time to time. However, anyone is free to write about what they wish to write about and express and anyone is free to read it or not. Comments are encouraged but not required as well. Blogging is just another form of expression and is a free exchange of ideas and thoughts by individuals which helps the reader understand the author better and is necessary for our interaction as human beings. The moment we stop communicating with each other on this planet is the moment we are all in trouble my friends. Blogging is just another form of communication created by the evolution of internet which has vastly help connect people on this planet.

We have some very talented writers in our transgendered community and I do not consider myself among them but I write anyway for reasons I will explain in a bit. I absolutely love to read Jamie’s blogs and was very disappointed when she stopped publishing them a while ago. Although I don’t always agree with her, and it would be surprising for any human being to always do so, she is an extremely intelligent person who writes thought provoking blogs that facilitate the free exchange of ideas. I also adore reading Cyndy’s blogs as she has a wit and humor not found in too many places and it is always delightful to read her thoughts and ideas. Although slowed by her travels, surgeries and recovery physically and emotionally, I have always enjoyed reading Chloe’s blogs as she journeyed toward the completion of her transition and some of the best stuff was her and Jamie’s exchanges and banter which sometimes had me rolling on the floor with laughter. Others I particularly enjoy who have talent include Zelda Rose from Texas, Monique Monet from Cincinnati and Diane Darcy from Chicago. There many others I read. Of course, I always read the blogs of my girl Paula. Paula is not the most eloquent writer- as it is not her forte. However, I will tell you this she writes straight up and straight from her heart as any good writer should do.

So why do I write? I have always loved to write ever since I was a young child. I started writing about the same time Melissa was emerging in my life around age 10-11. I wrote many short stories and essays throughout middle and high school years which I still have today in journals stored up in the attic. My teachers loved my work except for the grammar and spelling errors but I almost always got an A for the creativity and imagination portions of the grade (thank heavens for the creation of spell and grammar checks huh?)
I even wrote a novella and a novel in high school and one of them was read by the teacher to my classmates as she took a few minutes each day and read from the chapters. For some reason, I stopped writing when I got to college except for term papers and exams and work took up too much time for me to think about my writing. My daughter has always enjoyed writing and took several creative writing classes in school where teachers found her work to be talented and imaginative. She was encouraged and to write and still does so today.

One day my daughter gave her teacher some of the compilations of my writings from when I was age 12-18. Her creative writing teacher told her “After seeing your father’s work, you write with a similar style and creativity that is expressed in his work” This incident occurred a few years ago when Melissa’s re-emergence (among the many) was taking place and I began to feel the need to express my thoughts once again. So I began to write again and this time it was in the form of blogs. The blogs let me do several things. First, it provides a method of letting me write again and that brings me great joy. Some people like to fish or play racquetball or sew..….I enjoy writing! Secondly, it works like a journal and lets me express my feelings and thoughts about life in general and life as a transgendered person. I find it very peaceful. I don’t know if I have anything extraordinary to say or whether I ever invoke thoughts or ideas in others or not. I have been fortunate to have a few of my pieces published in some transgendered magazines and newsletters and that has been very nice of them do so. Maybe from time to time I strike a cord somewhere or offer a small tidbit on a new way to look at things but the important thing is that I am writing again and I thoroughly and truly enjoy it. That is all that really matters anyway. I throw my two cents out there in the vast pot of ideas and thoughts we exchange and maybe somewhere it lands and finds a place to grow. The free exchange of ideas is a very good thing in our society and is truly necessary if we are to continue to advance as a society and co-exist with others who are here with us on our life journeys. Meanwhile, I am back doing something I truly enjoy in this life which by the way, is way too short!

Above pic is me taking a break form writing to get my ears pierced!

Frankly my dear....Communicate! (NEW)

I think movies have an enormous impact on our lives and many times these movies produce wonderful lines which are integrated into our language and culture over time and many of which have significant meanings for us as human beings on this planet larger and deeper than the movie itself. I have been thinking about many of these movie lines recently because either I have seen the movie on television (Thank God for the movie channels because most of programming TV really sucks!), or the certain lines have meaning to the situation at hand. In either regard, I have complied for discussion my top ten movie lines which I feel have had significant impact on us or which have meanings far greater than the circumstances in the depicted in the film itself.

No 10. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”. This famous line was uttered of course by Clarke Cable as Rhett Butler in response to the maniacal whining of Scarlet O’Hara who kept saying “But what will I do?” First this film was the earliest film to produce a famous movie line when it was produced in 1939. Second, it provoked serious outrage when the film was released as patrons walked out of movie theatres in protest of the utterance of this “cuss word”. Can you imagine the how these people would have reacted to today’s films and just for the “heck of it” I envisioned how this line would be reworked today if a remake was undertaken and I sense it going something like this ….. “Listen Bitch…..Go F@@k yourself …Hmmm…anyone heard that recently?

No 9. “I’ll be Back” …....the famous words spoken by then actor and now Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in the original terminator movie. Now Arnold at that time was more know for his brut strength than his acting talents and I believe he only had about a total of 15 words in the entire movie but that was a catchy one indeed. It was repeated often by society and became synonymous with the fact we were not finished with our work, our task or our pursuits and while we may be gone for a while we would return to complete them and pursue them with a vengeance!

No. 8 “I’m mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore” …the famous lines uttered in the film the 1970’s classic movie Network. This line has been parodied by many in recent years and is even the subject the of a stupid TV commercial now for consolidation of annuities and structured settlements. Most of us in this world get upset about things in life which we seem to not even have control over in our life. We grow frustrated and everyone has their breaking point and we just to run and scream. I have this weird felling sometimes that when I am frustrated about things and I am driving I just want to stop the car and start running around a yard or field somewhere screaming my head off ……A close analogy to this quote is also from a movie… “Stop the madness!”

No.7. “We need a bigger boat”. At the time it seemed like a small little unimportant line for a movie that involved silly mechanical shark that was determined to destroy its attackers in the famous thriller Jaws which is more known for its famous eerie tune when the shark was about to attack than any lines. However, if you really think about it has many practical applications in today’s world. How many times have we approached a task in life or work and found we did not have the right tools or enough manpower or determination to accomplish this task and have to go get that “bigger boat” to accomplish what is needed to move forward.

No. 6 “I love the smell of napalm in the morning!” This line was uttered by actor Robert Duvall on the beaches of Vietnam in the long but entertaining movie Apocalypse Now. There are many famous lines which have been spoken in movies dealing with war as America has fought many wars in its life time and Hollywood has filmed all these wars form every perspective possible. I chose this on for the every reason it was uttered in a film about the Vietnam War which was the beginning of a time when America also began to question why we needed to be involved in every conflict around the world and the frivolity of war which took the lives of many innocent young people which continues today in the mess our boy George has this country in Iraq proving when it comes to wars we just don’t seem to learn …...maybe we are to busy smelling the napalm to see what has happened to us!

No.5 “You’ve got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk….Go ahead, make my day” These words were spoken by Dirty Harry actor and latter director and producer and even mayor Clint Eastwood. Well we ask our self that very question almost every day we get up and set out in our world and adventures. Do we feel lucky? Is this the day something good will happen or will we face consequences that seem out of our control or did we calculate something incorrectly leading to serious consequences and even possible death Go ahead …...make your day!

No 4. “Life is like a Box of Chocolates” Ok I will admit this film was a bit corny but it was also a good and provide a humorous look at our world over the last fifty years through the eyes of a very simple man played exceedingly well by actor Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. We truly do not know what the world will bring us each day we wake up and start that pot of coffee. Will this be the day we find love? Will this day the day the world realizes it failures and advances our society? What new event, meeting or person will come into our lives and how will affect us? What is in store for us this day, this week, this month, and this year? We don’t know what lies ahead and we must take each thing that does with understanding that tomorrow will bring even more changes and events …..Life is truly like a Box of Chocolates …you never know what you are going to get…..and we don’t! Eat the damn thing and find out…..


No. 3 “ Well, nobody’s perfect” These words were first stated in the classic film Some Like It Hot and nothing could be closer to the truth for us as human beings. We are imperfect beings and we make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them except if we are the government in which we repeat them if it involves and armed conflict and we codify them if they are a policy to govern our lives. But we know that is bullshit! WE are imperfect beings and we always will be….. ..We strive to achieve perfection which will always eludes us and always will as long as we remain humans. Stop to make someone perfect ….stop trying to be perfect …stop striving for a goal which cannot be humanly achieved …just accept what comes and strive to do your best !

No2.” Get busy living or get busy dying” Now I will have to admit this movie is one of my favorite movies of all time and I love the symbolism in it as a man suffers injustice and loss of freedom for something he did not do but finds redemption after wadding through shit to be washed clean in a river and rain that soaks his body and frees his soul to pursue his life long dream and the companionship of a dear and good friend! I have always seen myself in the role of that person played so well by Tim Robbins. We have really two choices in life ….we can either spend it living each day to its fullest or we can spend it trapped and preparing for our impending demise. Get busy living people …..The alternative is not really a good option in my book!

No. 1 “What we‘ve got here is a failure to communicate” I have no idea how many times I have uttered this line in my life but it has been a many I would say. These important words were stated by the warden in the classic film “Cool Hand Luke” …..Pink Floyd used this quote for the basis of its song “Keep Talking” “then something happened…….man learned to communicate”…..It defines our entire world in a nutshell. Why do relationships fail? Why to problems occur at work? Why do countries war and live in conflict in a constant cycle? It’s simple we just don’t communicate! Communication is the key to any success and accomplishment in our society. It is the foundation by which our society advanced and will continue to advance. We have so many devices for communication in this world and more seem to arrive each day. Phones, cell phones, computers, letters, e-mails, I pods, faxes and the list goes on and goes on…..yet we are still plagued by the failure to communicate with each other and many times it is the root of why we have so many problems….I know I fail in this regard many times…but I am trying …hopefully I communicated something worth while in this blog you might take to improve your life my friends!!!

Hugs, Melissa