Where Everyone Knows My Name!

Do you remember the time in elementary school that if you did not like someone in your class you did not say their name and tried to pretend like they did not exist. Well lately I feel I have been thrown back to the second grade and it largely comes at the action and inactions of my soon to be ex wife. My wife sends me some of my old mail as I continue the process of redirecting mail to my new home in Ohio. When she does send anything, it comes in an envelope marked only by my last name and she does not write the word “ Melissa” on it even though that is my name both spiritually as well as legally. How hard would be to write those letters on an envelope and mail it? I guess for her ….pretty damn hard! I write to her to find out things such whether I received something in the mail or to find out how she is doing or how our kids are doing since they have no contact with me at all. I sometimes try to discuss my emotions and feelings and anguish and such with her and I always write her addressing her by her first name and sign off by giving mine. I get no answers to my questions. I receive no response to my queries and usually it is either a one sentence response or a blistering tirade of screaming and ALL CAPS and underlines and exclamation points!!!! Nowhere in any of my communication from her is my name used at all- like I don’t have one…….it just is either short and nonresponsive or a flaming tirade to some unknown entity. I have a name you know and it is customary for one to write you to use it as I think we covered this in letter structure concept back in junior high school.

I have done everything I can to keep the peace on the name thing such as informing the organizations of my new address and such but sometimes they don’t read (guess it is not a requirement for employment) and send the documents to my old address where my wife still resides and then all hell breaks loose as she sees the name of Melissa on something and goes into another tirade. She is mad because I changed my life insurance documents to reflect my new legal name and does not see how this should be allowed to happen since her name is listed as beneficiary or owner of them. Well here is how it works. Those I own have my old name on them so I changed it to reflect new name even though she is listed as beneficiary (a matter which will soon be corrected believe me ) or they are policies she owns but I am named beneficiary and my name was changed to new name. She is also free to kick me off her policies as well and name a new one as it is a free country. However, this could present a dilemma in as much as she will have to write them and tell them she wishes to drop “Melissa” off the policies as named beneficiaries and that means she will have to write the word “Melissa” on a letter.

Earlier this month she held my new social security card with my new name on it because she was made it came to her due to the clerk’s error. My inability to get this document caused me to be unable to verify it to the bank and they locked down my accounts. Then she goes into a tirade about the fact she cannot cash a check I sent her on my account even though the very reason she could not do so is because of her not sending me the document. I tried to my best to direct documents to my new address but some of the companies did not do so and common courtesy is to send them on in envelope addressed to the person. I got another tirade from her about the name change itself as if I had to somehow secure her permission or that of my adult children to change my legal name to reflect who I truly am and how I live my life. I again make reference to the statement above that this is still a free country and one has a right to change their name so long as it is not done for illegal purposes.

Now for her latest antics she is having her lawyer object to the temporary order which my lawyer prepared at the request of the Judge following the temporary hearing. Most people object to court orders based on the contents of the order itself (you know the meat and potatoes of the order discussing terms and monies and such) but not my wife. She is objecting to the caption on the order itself which reads her name as petitioner versus my old name as respondent and placed in parenthesis afterward are the words (now known as Melissa Marie Alexander) which of course, is the truth. I did not ask my counsel to do this but she tells me that it is common for wives who resume their maiden names to have this listed in parenthesis so she saw no difference simply because I legally changed my name as part of my transition and life fulltime as Melissa as a transgendered person. So here we go spending money on lawyers to litigate over the caption on an order to a case. You talk about throwing money down the drain- this, my friends, is clearly the definition of such frivolity.


I hope someday my wife can let go of the hate and anger and we can become friends so we can work together on such things as our beautiful children who I never see or hear from ever. I begged her to seek counseling and get her feelings out on the table and try to move forward. I offered her the opportunity to come to support group or that I would find resources for her to join such as groups of families of transgendered people so she can share and vent and find ways to heal. However, for us to move forward and begin talking again as people like we did the one week in July when all this came out in the full blown open and to communicate about our children, it will take her making the step to address me by my name – Melissa. We cannot move forward unless we get past the second grade antics and junior high English and she addresses me by my true name as well as my legal one- Melissa. What I think changed after that time in July was she got around family and friends who told her she must fight this and despise me because they cannot deal with transgendered issues and believe people like me should be condemned and fought at every turn and not even afforded even the dignity of our name. I hope someday we can move forward and I hope someday she finds great peace and happiness in her life- but clearly this will take much time and the road we have to travel is long and far. We are stuck at a point on that road where she cannot read, write or say the road sign on it that reads “Melissa” We are stuck at a point where everyone knows my name but her. We cannot take steps to move forward without first recognizing who we are as people that is for sure……..

Melissa Marie Alexander!!!!!

“Russ I have known you for a very long time, and you know what you ask me to do is permanent, are you absolutely sure you want this? ( Judge O’Hanlon on last question from bench to me at hearing) …….Yes your honor, I very much want this Sir (me)……Ok… your petition is GRANTED and here are your certified copies of the order (Judge O’Hanlon)……. “With these simple words Judge Dan O’Hanlon executed my Court Order in the Circuit Court of Cabell County West Virginia and granted my long sought desire to have the government officially recognize me for who I always have been and to begin to bring me peace in my life as I live fulltime as Melissa. With that order, my life can begin anew as Melissa Marie Alexander. I can move forward with the knowledge that my identification now reflects who I always have been despite my old shell’s best attempt to hide her away for so long. I had the biggest smile on my face I have ever had in so long in a courtroom and I thought some of my sisters who came to witness it were going to have to peal me off the ceiling of the hallway as I exited the courtroom following hugs of joy and much happiness!! Paula even got a picture of me outside the Courthouse with my order to mark the occasion. I did not have much time to dawdle though as I quickly sped off to Social Security Administration for a new Social Security Card and to DMV for a new driver’s license. Only this time….the picture and name now reflect who I truly am and really always have been! I will freely admit I pulled it out a few times that day just to look at it in order to make sure I was not dreaming!! When the waitress asked us for ID last night at our celebration party I whip my new ID out so fast I nearly tore the plastic off it…I dropped off my passport application in the mail to get my new passport as Melissa as I proceeded about the day. I don’t think I could have been any higher than I was that day. September 26, 2008…….Melissa Marie Alexander becomes recognized by the government as real person. I am so very excited and so very happy!! I mailed off letters with certified copies to my creditors so they too can share my joy (actually so they can find me and my credit cards and accounts will have my proper name and address.)

Many people have asked me how I came to be named Melissa or why I chose Melissa as the name of my true identity. I know many times transgendered girls identify their feminine name by feminizing their given name at birth. For example, Paula feminized Paul; a Tony can become a Tonya or Carl becomes Carla. Others are not able to do so without their name sounding a bit silly so they pick a name that is feminine but it at least begins with the same letter. For example, George becomes Gina or Jim becomes Jane. However, I could only think of one name which would be a feminizing version of my birth name and that was Rochelle but I never connected with that name even in the slightest. Other “R” names were eliminated as well such as Ruth (my mother) and Renee or Rose since they never connected with me as well. For as far back as I can recall I have been Melissa. The first time I ever presented myself fully (head to toe) in my mother’s bedroom as a woman at the age of 14, I looked in her full length mirror and the name sort of came to me …….I saw Melissa ….I whispered “Melissa” back at the reflection. It seemed to come from within me and the name stuck with me always and from that point forward, I knew who I really was but then spent many years trying to drive her out of my shell. She was resilient and she endured much in many years of repression, struggle and secrecy but she hung on and now she has been recognized by the government! Now some people wondered why I did not chose to keep “Pink” as my last name and even today, I know some in our community only know me as Melissa Pink- my persona I operated under for many years in my cloak and secrecy so people would not find out who I am. Although my friend Chloe calls me Melissa Alexander when she tells someone she is coming to visit me, she will say Melissa Alexander and others will say “who” and she says …you know “Melissa Pink”. Now I hope the whole world knows me for whom I truly am and many people I have known over the years know -so a made up name such as” Pink” did not seem appropriate at all.

Alexander is my given last name and it should stay that way. I am proud to be a member of my family and even if all my family is not so thrilled with me transitioning and probably my parents, if alive, would have been not as enthralled with me as Melissa, Alexander is my last name and I will use it proudly. Now the middle name has been something in flux for me for sometime now. I was seriously considering using “Ann” which was associated with Melissa Ann Pink but I did not like the flow of it with Melissa Alexander. I even toyed briefly with the idea of using the initial “P” with my name but I wanted a real name there and not imply a middle initial. I had already gone through life living with one of those already in my first name. (I still remember my daughter when she was young telling her teacher that “my Daddy’s first name is” R.” – said as “R period”) I chose Marie because it was the middle name of my mother, grandmother and great grandmother. It was the middle name given to the girls in my family and had I been born in the proper gender to begin with I found out my mother would have given me Marie as my middle name. So I think it is entirely appropriate that I am named Marie as well!

So there it is…… …..my new legal name ……………Melissa Marie Alexander. I love it so very much! Now my name matches my true identity….the girl I have always been and always will be and I have moved forward in my life. I have much to travel to undergo in my journey. But at least now along my journey I can carry all my documents and such which actually match my true self and my true identity……

Melisa Marie Alexander (2008- )…………….Long live the girl!!!!

R. Russell Alexander (1960-2008)……. Rest in Peace ………Today, the shell got buried!

Pictured above is me taken on the day of my name change hearing. Wooooooohoooooooooooo!!