Courage and Dignity against theTransgendered Blues

Well my world got rocked this week and the wounds really dug in deep because my smug little you –know –what thought it would not happen to me in my profession. I faced and lost a battle with transgendered discrimination and the loss of revenue associated with it hurt-but what hurt even more was the indignity in the manner it was presented so underhandedly and that I did not see it coming. Several years ago when I started into my new profession I began doing some independent contract work for various companies in which you can go onto their job boards to find work in your geographic areas. I did so as a means to get more experience and bring in some income. One of the groups assigned me to a project in which the main planner had screwed up immensely and I commented on the same but offense was taken to my comments to the logistics. A week or two latter the organization that had contracted with me contacted me and said client did not want me working on her projects anymore. The organization said it was no big deal and that she was a difficult client and there were plenty of other clients to work for and I later found out the client subsequently fired the organization I contracted with because the client had troubles working with its staff.
This incident occurred three and half years ago and nothing more was ever said about this matter. In fact, I was told not to worry about it as they knew the client was touchy and difficult to work with on projects. I continued to do work for the organization without any further complaints or problems on a regular basis during remainder of 2005, all of 2006 and 2007 and first half of 2008. Of course, I was working at that time as my male persona hiding the real me beneath the shell. After I came out fully, I informed the organization and others that I was transgendered and was in transition and would be working as Melissa –who I really was and I sent them documentation of name change and other information. I did the same for other contract organizations as well as clients. One client chose to end any relationship and another had to cut back because of economy even before I told them. However, the three other organizations initially said they had no problem with it and changed the information. The one who I had experienced the minor incident with in 2005 assigned me work last fall which I did for their client without incident as had been practice for years and all paperwork was completed and filed in timely manner and as usual I was dressed professionally- albeit as Melissa and pleasant and helpful throughout the functions. No complaints were noted but evidently some of the male reps of client I did the work for figured out who I use to be and expressed some “discomfort” with me doing their projects. The organization did not tell me this but decided to handle it another way. A few weeks after the projects I was no longer finding any jobs posted on their board. I knew the economy was not great so I gave it sometime but after a couple months I wrote to the organization and inquired about this weird phenomenon. Two days later, in February of 2009, I received a letter which had been sent overnight to me stating my contract with them had been terminated because of the incident which happened in 2005. Now I am no rocket scientist for sure but I am also not stupid and know that something that was not important for three years does not suddenly become important three and half years later only after I announce my transition and do work for them as Melissa. The indignity is that they should have told me the truth and not played the silly game of first altering their website so I could not see positions available and then sending me a letter indicating termination based upon that something no one thought was that big a deal back in 2005! Terminate me for being transgendered for God’s sake- it’s not like we have any protections in this country beyond a few state and local laws. They accomplished their goal…get rid of the “freak” who makes some of their people “uncomfortable” but they did it without being upfront and honest about it.
I may have not been so taken back by their egregious actions which cost me income if I did not begin to sense some others acting in same way. I received a job assignment from another organization last week on one day and then in 24 hours suddenly the work assignment was no longer needed by the client. Then my professional organization chapter which I have served on the Board of Directors for two years acts very strangely and was sort of surprised I wanted to remain on the Board next year because they thought I needed time away from the Board to deal with my transition and surgeries which have not interfered at all with my duties and responsibilities. What really bothers me the most is I thought my profession, being nearly 90 % women, would be an easier one to transition in than most. I was wrong indeed! I was a bit smug thinking I was above the fray of the common industrial workplace and office settings and dealing with so many educated professionals as a professional -but I forgot that the organizations are still run by men and in reality discrimination against those of us in the transgendered community is so prevalent that many so called “open minded” people just can’t deal with a concept that many see as so radical such as changing one’s physical anatomy to fit one’s inner soul and essence and men in particular – in fear and sometimes in questioning of their own masculinity issues, cannot see why another “man” would “chose” to not be masculine and actually want to step down the ladder as they see it and live and work as a woman who earns less than a man. All of this comes on the heels of my desperate attempt to find health insurance after facing three rejections because I was transgendered. I finally found one on the fourth try but they refuse to cover anything and now seem content on tearing apart my medical history for last three years because I asked them to pay for a routine doctor’s office visit. Additionally, they also proffer the indignity of addressing all my correspondence to me as “Mr.” How indignant and rude and insulting is this?
The enactment of the ENDA legislation would help the situation immensely but I fear that somehow –someway, the transgendered community will find itself excluded from the bill in the end and left alone to defend itself with only few people to continue the struggle for dignity, rights and respect that all human beings are entitled to in this country as many in community run and scatter and stay hidden in their shells in fear and others trying desperately to life in cloak that is not truly possible and pretending like they have always been known as a woman without any other life before the transition. I don’t blame them considering that nearly 70% of the fulltime transitional transgendered community is unemployed. Some of my friends out there may say I chose this life and that I and others like me knew we were going to face consistent discrimination and that we should have stayed hidden in our shells and appeared only part time in the comfort of functions with other transgendered people. I gave up the comforts of living the life of a male with a family and a job and welcomed in society to be who I truly am but someone that most people don’t want to have to deal with. In other words, for me – keep pretending I am someone else I am not –living a life as a lie and working in the male-dominated society as a male. First of all, I did not “choose” this life any more than I chose being transgendered. I decided I would rather live life as I truly was instead of frustrated in a shell and pretending I was someone I was not to make others happy while I suffered great pain and anguish. If I somehow lose it all and have no income to live on whatsoever in my life after I transition fully, I will never go back to the lies and live my life in any shell pretending I am someone I am not- ever! Frankly, I would rather die living on the street as Melissa than ever go back to living the lie inside the shell just to make everyone else happy including those who run our society and many of its organizations or even my family who has tossed me away like some unwanted piece of garbage!
I have my dignity…I have my soul…I have someone who loves me for who I am in Paula and I have my friends, sisters and brothers in the community and the LGBT community at large and a few that found the courage to accept me for who I am from my old life inside the shell. I would not trade that for any job at any salary if I had to live my live as a lie and pretend I am someone I am not just to make others in society happy and “comfortable”. I decided I will either make it as Melissa who I really am with Paula by my side or I will go down swinging as Melissa living my life with dignity as my true essence and face whatever discrimination, hatred and prejudice await me in whatever life I have left! Courage and dignity requires nothing more or nothing less and courage and dignity may not pay the bills but they clearly free the soul!

The time is now for our community!

The world is made up of many different people with many different cultures and backgrounds and here in the good old US of A we have always referred to our heritage of bringing people together in our country in a “melting pot”.
We have watched groups struggle as they came here at first until another group came and took there place on the bottom of the chain. The Irish, the Italians, the Japanese, the Eastern Europeans African –Americans although clearly not by choice- they all came and after some struggles integrated into our society. Black people, particularly by virtue of the fact they were brought here by a vile institution known as human slavery, suffered through great hardship and struggles for human rights through the civil rights periods of protests, marches and legislation finally achieved many of the goals of equality. Recently, this country elected a black man as President – something most of the people of my father’s generation swore would never happen- but it did! The victory has given hope to many formally shut out or disadvantaged people that dreams can be achieved and success found despite the color of one’s skin or the makeup of his or her ancestors. Woman suffered as second class citizens based on a patriarchal society that rewarded men and held woman down. Woman fought for the right to vote and then hold office and more and more women enter careers everyday that were once held exclusively by men. Two women have been nominated for Vice- President of the country although the wage differential is still there, legislation such as Title VII and others have helped woman success and rightfully so! Legislation existing today protects someone based on sex, race, national origin, age, color, or disability. There remains only a few groups in this country that seem to be at a distinct disadvantage and one of them my friends is people like me – transgendered people. Now I am not looking for the “poor little me” response I am merely stating a fact.
Now is the time for our community, as small and “hidden” sometimes as it is, to forge ahead in our struggles for our rights and protections. I do not seek special help and I doubt most if any of my brothers and sisters in this community do either- just the right to be who we are and not be denied employment or housing or a continuation of either merely because we are transgendered people. We seek the same rights as others in society. We seek to find housing and services and to work a career we enjoy which also helps pay the bills and such and to do all of this without harassment or discrimination Now I have always said you cannot legislate prejudice for that is something learned but you can legislate against that prejudice being used as a basis for discrimination against transgendered people. We have much to accomplish but I believe our time is coming in the next five to six years and it will take all of our efforts to make this happen. I am excited to be a part of this change which can occur in the eventual enactment of the ENDA and Hate Crimes bill legislation which now has a greater chance of passing in the increasingly Democratic Congress and the election of Barak Obama. It will not come easy my friends and it will take the efforts of many of us to make this a reality and a forging of a relationship with others in the LGBT community. Herein lies our problem!
Most of our community is underground in one form or another and the numbers we have to work with and achieve our goals like others have in the past two hundred years of American society is quite small. The problem is we only have the “middle” and the other sides of that middle are many times either cloaked or in stealth mode. Those that are not out of the closet yet operate in a cloaked mode in which they are out limitedly if at all and so they are not willing to risk exposure to be involved in our efforts to achieve these important goals. Most of our community lies in this so called cloaked group. I remember I use to be there although after time it became more of protection for my children than for me. That all came to a screeching halt when I tore down the cloak of secrecy and came out to the entire world! It was a great feeling and it has brought me peace and happiness I did not know could exist! There is the group in the middle like me who are undergoing transition in which w are living life fulltime in our desired gender and undergoing all sorts of procedures like electrolysis, hormones, surgeries and the like. We generally take very active roles in the community. We are not afraid to be out and about and known as transgendered people. We have not reached that point where “stealth” is even under possible consideration. A substantial amount of activism in our community comes from this so called middle group. The third part of our community is those who are post transitional and who operate in a world of stealth. Having fully transitioned and looking the part and carrying all the right documentation they go about lives as woman and act like they never even had the organs or hormones of the other gender. They seek to seamlessly blend into the world of their true gender and let no one be the wiser. This works real well if you are able to move jobs and to another part of the country. However, stealth also means severing one’s self from the transgendered community and thus they are not likely to be an active supporter of our community and its needs and goals for equality. Although there are some fully transitional members of our community like my friends Debbie, Chloe and Barbie or of course our national leaders like Mara and others at the NCTE, I also know of some in the so called middle group who attempt to operate in stealth mode even before fully transitioning. This leaves us with only a handful of people to fight our struggle for dignity and equality. Why is stealth even a consideration for those in our community? As Donna Rose stated in her wonderful speech at SCC this year, can one truly ever reach “stealth”. As she so eloquently pointed out “the internet has changed one’s ability to go stealth as some simple searches can reveal most everyone’s past” so don’t fool yourself into thinking you can hide from anyone “who wants to take the time to find out your past- ever!” Therefore, true stealth is not really obtainable in our modern world. Accordingly, post transitional members of community should be in the forefront our leadership and activism for our rights and dignity as people. Now I am not advocating that post transitional people should not try to lead a normal life in the proper gender following transition. I will try to do so I know and I don’t advocate running around in t-shirts that say “Hi – I am a transgendered person” all the time and I know I will not be doing so. However, abandoning our community for me after full transition is NOT an option for me. I know that I am spiritually and emotionally a woman and that it is my true essence of who I am as a human being. I will live my life as a woman and enjoy the fact that my outward appearance and body will finally reflect who I truly and have always been in this world- a woman. However, I was born genetically a male and thus I am, by nature, a transgendered person and will always be such regardless of how much I spend on surgeries or how my hormone levels read. Nothing will ever change that and I am fine with that indeed! I am not ashamed to be a part of this community. I also believe that if others find out I am transgendered- so be it. I will use that as an opportunity to show others in society that I am just a human being and that transgendered people are just people too. Use these opportunities to educate people not excuses to run and hide! Never be ashamed of who you are as a person because you are transgendered. The community is my transgendered family and I feel compelled to be involved in it and be active in it and work with my sisters and brothers in achieving the goals we can achieve as our turn in history comes into fold in our fight for our dignity and rights as human beings -just as others have in other communities throughout our history.
There is much work to do such as lobbying members of Congress and writing letters and attending events and activities which serves to promote our community and its efforts to achieve our goals. Money can be contributed to the NCTE and your time can be volunteered to assist in these efforts. Now is the time for our community to get behind these efforts and work for the rights and dignity of all members of our community so that those who come behind us may find an easier path and one filled with more dignity and understanding. I can only hope that many who are cloaked will find courage to come out and those who do will chose a course of being involved and active in our community and when the time comes, that they remain active in our community and not chose to lead life in stealth but one with the courage and pride of being a wonderful human being who just happens to be transgendered. Remember some of the ten affirmations for LGBT spirituality:
1. We celebrate the unity we create in the midst of our diversity.
2. We affirm the inherent beauty, worth and dignity of every LGBT and straight person.
4. The choice is not whether to be LGBT or straight but whether or not to lead an authentic life.
5. Coming out is a courageous and spiritual act.
And most importantly………10. No one is free when others are oppressed!