Stream of consciousness.......... (NEW)

So much to talk about but nothing that merits whole blog so I will call this one my Hodge Podge of thoughts or maybe better yet a stream of consciousness I have spent several days now chatting on the phone periodically with my good friend and sister Debbie Dunkle and her beautiful wife Sandy who is a truly a gem for all spouses of transgendered people. Debbie underwent GRS on Friday under the hands of Dr. Marci Bowers and now her body is one that reflects who she truly is as a person and has been inside where it counts all her life. I am so happy for her and I am glad all went well for her and at the same time, I am no closer to answering the question which even my own personal physician asked me this week …do you plan to go all the way and have it yourself.? I simply do not know…...it is something I will contemplate for quite a while I think. ………

As I begin this blog I am stuck in Ohio in one of the biggest snow storms in years once again reaffirming why I am growing increasingly tired of winter, Seasons…smeasons …..the heck with it…. ..I am fine with spring and summer and fall but I am not a fan of winter in the slightest ( I do not like winter with a coat or with a moat ..I do not even like winter at the mall said Melissa to all … paraphrasing the teachings of Theodore Geisel) ………..all the snow, the bitter cold, the cold rain, the grey dark skies, the short days, the loss of sunlight….I hate winter and I am sick of it now !!…I demand warm sunny spring days when the sun feels good on your skin and your smile brightens a bit…….The only thing good about winter is I like wearing boots and sweaters but heck I can do that in late fall and early spring and we can still skip this whole winter thing……………….

I am seeing a lot of changes in Melissa these days. I have been only doing 100 mgs of spiro and 2 mgs of estrofem for seven weeks but the results have been surprising. My breasts are growing at what seems to be an alarming rate and they have grown quite sensitive. I keep inadvertently bumping them on things like counters and exercise bikes and I am jumping like a cricket out of my shoes. I think the hotel clerk was a bit taken back when I pumped them on counter and jumped like that…LOL…..The changes are scary as all are but they are also welcomed . I looked in the mirror this morning while standing in my panties as I applied my regimen of skin softening lotion to my body and I liked what I saw back in the mirror ..the skin smooth and soft and the impact of all the electrolysis on my face and the budding development of my breasts on my chest …More and more my body on the outside reflects who I am on the inside.

I had the opportunity to spend the evening with a friend of mine who has two small boys who are full of energy and zest which comes from being young and their whole life in front of them. I thought back to a time when mine were that age and then even more so to the time I was their age. Two things occurred to me as I did. One, their life should either of them be “different” in anyway, will find a future that is more open and accepting to people who are than either my children or I ever did and that makes me smile and feel good about the future. The future lies with the children and I sense it will be a more receptive one than most of us ever experienced and that is a good start to moving society forward. The second thing I wished was that I was their age again in today’s changing society in this more receptive world- but I retained all I know now about who I am and what this life is about and all my experiences thoughts and discussions. I know my life would have progressed vastly different than it did for sure.

Finally, I found a new trick out there girls for those of you like me that are attempting to grow their nails longer and maintain them even those of you like me who still work more extensively in the boi “shell mode” . Mine are coming along well and I really like how they look and make my hands be more feminine. I have regular manicures. In between, I file and apply both oil- to keep them soft so they have some give and won’t break, as well as nail hardener to keep them stronger so they won’t break. Despite these efforts, I usually still end up snagging one and having nine good nails and one messed up one. A solution to the problem is this simple. Remember the glue guns that melt a stick of off white glue Apply a tiny bit to the split nail and then smooth it out covering the area beginning to tear then apply and top coat over the entire nail. This holds the nail in place and mends its split until it can grow out further and bet rimmed and filed to shape….. I knew that glue gun would come in handy someday!

Friendship in a Tg World (Feb 08)

Friendship among our sisters is a wonderful thing and it has been on my mind a lot lately. When I was growing up as a young “boy” I had a few friends I went to school with and interacted with on a regular basis for activities and such and maybe a few I would consider close friends, although not close enough to tell them my deepest secret and that while I may play baseball with them in the daytime, I was slipping into my mothers clothes at night and living in guilt and shame and confusion. I was considered personable in high school and generally got along with most people and made a few more acquaintances over the years but again there was no one I called a really close friend and again no one that I could ever explain the deep dark secret that hovered inside me. I wanted to be friends with the girls in my class and do some girl things with them but I could not do so for either I would be viewed as a freak by them or a queer to the boys or I would be viewed as attempting to get close to the girls so I could date them and get inside their panties (little did they know I just wanted to wear them!) After the wonderful years of high school I of course ventured off to college where I made a small handful of close (but again not real close) friends I have continued to periodically interact with over the years but again I am not sure how they would react to the news of Melissa except for one who knows and is fine with it.

My sisters on the hand are all my friends and some I have become very close to and there is one who I consider my best friend I ever had in life. I have more close friends who are sisters than I ever had in the male mode. I think this of course is very logical considering that all those friends over the years in school and neighborhood never really knew the real me. They knew only the shell which covered and hid my true self – Melissa from the world. Friendship requires building roots between human beings and it is hard for a shell or covering to bear many deep roots. The roots would only scratch my surface and never penetrate deep into my soul or sense of being which I feel is necessary for real true and deep friendship to nourish and grow! I don’t blame those who did not know me for it was my fear and shame that hid my true self from others around me so they could never be truly close to me. I never had a really wonderful best friend or even very many close friends in my other shell mode and it was my fault and I accept the blame for that fact.

I don’t mean to dwell on the negative because this blog is not about the failures of the past but the triumphs of the present. Melissa, my true self, is very fortunate to have many friends to help me in my journey and I hoped I have helped them along the way as well. I can make friends now because the secret that once pushed others away from getting to close does not exist with my sisters. They see the real me…....they talk to the real me…...they interact and laugh and talk and cry and dance and do all sorts of things with the real me …Melissa. With the barriers lowered and the roots able to take hold wonderful friendships have formed. While I love all my sisters I have become particularly close to some like Ranae who I talk with 3-4 times a week on the phone, Martina who I shared more dual pictures with than any other girl, Mandie and Glenda who both have this bubbly and wonderful persona that makes them sparkle and shine and always make me smile. I have grown to become wonderfully close to people like Debbie who I talk to frequently and share many things with as well as my dear friend Carla who is struggling bad in her life right now after losing her home, her marriage and her job all in a few months. I am very good friends with Joann, my West Virginia sister who I have roomed with at many events and I figure if we can live together in one room for extended periods of time and get along so well in doing so, we have grown closer and closer as girlfriends. I have never had friends like this in the past for the reasons I set forth above. That is all ended and my life is enriched so much by my interaction with my sisters and girlfriends. I grow happier each day because of this even with all the other challenges facing me.

I want to also talk about my very best girlfriend- Paula Katherine White!! I often think what life would have been like in school if I lived it as I should have as Melissa. Paula would have been that special girlfriend that I would have met and grew close to and shared all my secrets with and talked on the phone with and later in life we would have had a wonderful relationship as dear friends who supported each other and cared about each other and helped each other through each of life’s crises and tears as well as celebrated the accomplishments and joys in our lives. Although I did not get to live as Melissa in school and she did not get to live as Paula, we now share that same level of closeness. I love talking with her and spending time with her and sharing our lives with each other which we do frequently. She is an incredible, loving and fun and wonderful person and I am very happy to have her as my best friend. I can share anything with her and we talk about everything in our lives and a call or message from her absolutely makes my day and the times we have spent together in person have been truly wonderful. The roots can grow deep now as the shell does not exist between us and she sees the real me – Melissa and I see only the real her – Paula and I care for her deeply. Life is so good these days because I have made deep friends who are my sisters and one who is very special to me and because of this, the past seems to fade away and the future looks so much brighter!!