A New Beginning

After some weeks of blogs that focused more on the negative than the positive although there were great periods of pain and some good news sprinkled about over last couple months, I chose this week to discuss my great joy in beginning my new life living fulltime as Melissa. I spent last week in intense physical workouts as a result of the moving of furniture and packing of boxes and loading of my u-haul truck which contained parts of my life over the last forty something years. I am still sore even today from all that lifting and carrying which was even more difficult due to my weaker upper body strength as my body continues to take the shape of the woman I have always been but hid so well for so long! On Friday morning, my wife left for work as usual and we decided to say our goodbyes then. I have known her for 28 years and we ended it in a goodbye that lasted a few tender moments. We held each other and cried and she said she hope it all works out for me in the future and I told her I wish her peace and happiness and that we needed to stay in touch and she said she would try to do so. With that parting I finished throwing the last of my stuff on the truck and cleaned up and presented my self as Melissa and drove off for my new home south of Columbus Ohio. My only regret was that had to become a “damn Yankee” in order to live life as Melissa although I will always be a southern girl by heart. Earlier that week I had gone to my doctor for the last time and she thought I looked great and so happy and she hugged me and wished me well in my life. Later that day I saw my minister (Episcopal priest) and he took me to lunch as Melissa and we discussed my life, the nature of transgendered people and I asked him to look after my wife left behind. He promised to do so and to stay in touch and wanted to read some of my writings and I sent him some later and he replied wishing me well and much peace in my journey.

I rolled into my new home on Friday afternoon to begin living life with Jenny and Paula and the three of us unloaded my truck and began to assemble my life in my new crib! I had a lot of fun although Jenny felt a little crammed as she had spread out into so many rooms and now had to share space and closets and bathroom cabinets with other girls. However, she had lived alone for nearly a year and I think she likes her new roomies and the company of others and we had a great Friday night together watching our new TV (the one that use to be in the entertainment center of my old homestead) and eating delicious pizza we ordered from a local pizza joint whose number is now stored in my cell phone. On Saturday morning we learned how to juggle three girls in and out of a showers and makeup mirrors. We worked on more moving and un-boxing of items and the integration of three lives into one home of great character. Jenny’s home is beautiful old home built in 1911- at a time when things were built to last and built big and with much style and flair and attention to details. I finally had a bedroom I always wanted once the strong bodied men finished carrying in the bed and assembling it. I have a closet full of my clothes- the ones I will now wear everyday and should have been wearing all my life. The bed is done in pinks and whites and lavender colors and accented by candles and pictures and a soft flowing feminine appeal. It is the room I dreamed of having all my life and I stood and looked at it all in the doorway with amazement and much happiness. I was saddened a bit by having to leave behind my kitties I love so much but Jenny remedied that with the presence of her wonderful little kitties that are so friendly and affectionate I love them already. For good measure she added in a gorgeous African Grey parrot whose best trick is her replication of the phone ringing! Jenny is leaving for a few weeks of work in NM and Paula must finish up her work before her retirement from a job that is tearing her down so much. That will leave more time for me to get everything organized in the new house and to take care of the little loving creatures which we share our space with in this new abode.

My life is definitely different than it was when the year began. Hormones, electrolysis, divorce and relocation to a new home all were dramatic enough but now I get to live life everyday being who I really am – Melissa. I wake up as Melissa, I spend the day as Melissa and I interact with others as Melissa. No more hiding the real me behind an ugly shell! Freedom has its price for sure- emotionally, physically and financially and the road ahead is not all a bed of roses by any stretch of the imagination! However, that is something I am prepared for and I await and embrace the new challenges with renewed energy and a sense I am now living the life I should have always been leading. It is too bad it took so long to figure all this out but I now know I am living it the way it should be lived everyday of the reminder of my life. The shell lies in pieces at my feet and more like in a shattered pile of rubble a few feet behind me. My life is at new beginning and I am open to all the possibilities it now presents and I look forward to getting up each day and looking in the mirror and the reflection which comes back is the real me- the one that was always there but hidden away too well. I love my new beginning and I am renewed to move forward in my life and all that it offers me. I am open to so many possibilities and I am a happy I am now presenting myself honestly for who I am and always have been- Melissa! Because of this and despite the bumps and bruises it has caused many including me, I am joyful and happy and ready to face the challenges of life, most of which have nothing to do with being transgendered. It is living life the way it was meant to be lived- it is a new beginning!

The Wife Was Right

The wife was right……although not on everything. My wife, through the assistance of my young, tech savvy college educated daughter, found my blog last week and did not like what she read. She was hurt and in tears and apparently my sister in law and brother in law (the one I labeled homophobic) were also snooping around reading it and perusing the pics as well. My daughter was upset as well about my comments on some of them about members of my wife’s family. Last week’s blog had sharp pain in it and it was written on a day I cried for two hours after I get alleged of being Attila the Hun and son drives off to be seen maybe someday down the road. I was hurt and it showed. I revised it after I had time to calm down but not before the wife had written to me a comment. I could tell she was under the same hurt when she wrote hers. I think both cried a lot last weekend. Now I did disagree with some things she raised about my “lifestyle” and the fact she contended my letter to her mother was “flippant” as it was similar to one I wrote other members of the family. She felt I needed to talk with her mother in person. But I know I would not have made it through that one. I love her mother and as I mentioned I got along better with her than I did my own mother and my mother-in-law loved me like a “son”.

However, I am a better writer than an orator and if I had tried to explain details to people in person from the beginning I probably would have failed I tried to put great detail in my letters- far more than I could ever explain in initial conversation. I always ended each letter by telling them they could feel free to contact me and I would try to explain more and talk with them but at least they would have the knowledge set forth in the letter before we started. No one called me although I did call a couple relatives and friends myself. No one really knows what to say so they don’t. The other part of wife’s reply which was cruel was her addressing me as “him” and “he” throughout after writing the letter to Melissa. But I hope that was due to her well founded anger and hurt and maybe some old habits.

The rest of the reply to me was basically true. I was not always the best person in my old life living under the shell. Although I know why, that does not justify any of my actions. I never physically assaulted anyone but I was filled with anger and frustration many of times and unfortunately my family got some of that venting and that was wrong. My anger stemmed from three sources I believe. First was my family heritage. My father was known to blow his cork now and then and my mother could fire pitch forks with the best of them and dealt with anger issues. My family heritage was that of the feisty German and Scotch – a mix that is considered lethal in some places. My brother dealt with many of these same issues himself. I remember once he lost a tennis match and went into such a rage he broke his racket into tiny pieces and screamed and cursed. He warned me about the fiery mix but I did not head the warning well. The next problem for me was my work. I hated it. I have no idea what drove me to go into a high demanding pressured- filled job with a lot of stress but that is something no one with my family heritage ought to get into and all that playing hardball did was make me feel like crap and feed my anger even more. Now I had two strikes against me through my lineage and my work stressors and then we throw in this little “transgender problem” and all that guilt, repression, denial, secrecy, frustration and pretending in my shell and I have now added a third strike from which most people would have exploded into violent rage considering all these factors. But I never reached that point. Sure there was anger in my voice and some yelling and tossing a few items, although not at anyone, but I am surprised I did not explode into pieces. As I said, my wife was right – she and sometimes the kids caught the blunt of this anger and frustration and I was wrong to do that and I can only ask that they forgive me and understand someday.

Those stressors have been reduced. I cannot ever change my family history but like my brother did before me, I will have to work hard to address that family background and work to keep calmer like he did so much more in his years after college and marriage. Secondly, I changed jobs and now do something I truly love and should have gone into when I was young like I originally wanted to before someone or something pulled me into another path. I cannot undue the years but I can enjoy my remaining ones by doing something I love and something which gives me great joy and satisfaction. I did a good deal of community work and volunteering like my father did all through my life and I need to continue that as well. It is good to help others and if everyone actually did some things to help others in life no one really would have to do a lot. Finally, I ripped through my shell and left it in pieces. I am out to so many people now and everyday I feel better and better about myself because of all these disclosures. The hormones have reshaped me emotionally as the testosterone is slowly contained and estrogen pumps its way into my body. This action has allowed me to fully tap into my feminine feelings and emotions that were always there but tucked away for many years only to occur mostly in private moments. Instead of much anger, I now feel sadness and I cry. Freedom did come with a price such as the loss of many in extended family and most importantly my immediate family and wife. My wife is a gentle, caring, loving, compassionate person with a warm heart and she did not deserve what she dealt with over the years although there were many good points as well in my own defense. It’s too bad she never really got to know the real me very often. The full emergence of Melissa- my true soul and identity and my career change into one I so enjoy all came in recent years after we have drifted too far apart. I wish her much peace and happiness in her new life…. I truly do. I hope she wishes it for me as well.

As for me, I much work to do on my new life. Hormones and surgeries do not change your core person or change whether you will be a better person. All too often those of us who are TS think that simply changing one’s body to fit one’s inner essence of gender and identity is the answer to all our problems. Believe me it does help when you no longer struggle with presenting your true identity and gender- but regardless of what gender organs you have you still have to be a good person. You have to strive to care about others, work well with those around you in your job, your families and people in general. You still have to learn and practice patience and kindness and living a calmer, more peaceful life as short as it is in this world. Although my continued transition will occupy my agenda for the near future and I will remain focused on the same, I must remember that although I now live my life fulltime as Melissa. I must still strive to make Melissa a better person -full of love and kindness and passion and tenderness and caring and live my life far better out of the shell than I ever did in it. My wife was mostly right- she usually is …she is an intelligent person and in her are many of the qualities I desire to live by as I live my life as who I really am. When that occurs peace will be found and life more enjoyable not only for myself but all who interact and know Melissa!


And now for a bit of work update. I came out to my Board of Directors and they were all supportive and are very happy I will stay on as Melissa. They will change all the printed materials, magazine, slideshow and website to reflect my new name and new picture. They look forward to seeing me at the next Board and Chapter meeting in September as Melissa. It will be my first venture out professionally as Melissa. My groups I do work for on contract basis are fine with it as well and love my work and will assign work to Melissa just like they did as Russell. There is still a long road to go but the seeds are there and I am anxious to roll up my blouse sleeves and get to work on these career developments. Doing work I enjoy doing as who I truly am …that is definitely a good thing for sure!