The Wife Was Right

The wife was right……although not on everything. My wife, through the assistance of my young, tech savvy college educated daughter, found my blog last week and did not like what she read. She was hurt and in tears and apparently my sister in law and brother in law (the one I labeled homophobic) were also snooping around reading it and perusing the pics as well. My daughter was upset as well about my comments on some of them about members of my wife’s family. Last week’s blog had sharp pain in it and it was written on a day I cried for two hours after I get alleged of being Attila the Hun and son drives off to be seen maybe someday down the road. I was hurt and it showed. I revised it after I had time to calm down but not before the wife had written to me a comment. I could tell she was under the same hurt when she wrote hers. I think both cried a lot last weekend. Now I did disagree with some things she raised about my “lifestyle” and the fact she contended my letter to her mother was “flippant” as it was similar to one I wrote other members of the family. She felt I needed to talk with her mother in person. But I know I would not have made it through that one. I love her mother and as I mentioned I got along better with her than I did my own mother and my mother-in-law loved me like a “son”.

However, I am a better writer than an orator and if I had tried to explain details to people in person from the beginning I probably would have failed I tried to put great detail in my letters- far more than I could ever explain in initial conversation. I always ended each letter by telling them they could feel free to contact me and I would try to explain more and talk with them but at least they would have the knowledge set forth in the letter before we started. No one called me although I did call a couple relatives and friends myself. No one really knows what to say so they don’t. The other part of wife’s reply which was cruel was her addressing me as “him” and “he” throughout after writing the letter to Melissa. But I hope that was due to her well founded anger and hurt and maybe some old habits.

The rest of the reply to me was basically true. I was not always the best person in my old life living under the shell. Although I know why, that does not justify any of my actions. I never physically assaulted anyone but I was filled with anger and frustration many of times and unfortunately my family got some of that venting and that was wrong. My anger stemmed from three sources I believe. First was my family heritage. My father was known to blow his cork now and then and my mother could fire pitch forks with the best of them and dealt with anger issues. My family heritage was that of the feisty German and Scotch – a mix that is considered lethal in some places. My brother dealt with many of these same issues himself. I remember once he lost a tennis match and went into such a rage he broke his racket into tiny pieces and screamed and cursed. He warned me about the fiery mix but I did not head the warning well. The next problem for me was my work. I hated it. I have no idea what drove me to go into a high demanding pressured- filled job with a lot of stress but that is something no one with my family heritage ought to get into and all that playing hardball did was make me feel like crap and feed my anger even more. Now I had two strikes against me through my lineage and my work stressors and then we throw in this little “transgender problem” and all that guilt, repression, denial, secrecy, frustration and pretending in my shell and I have now added a third strike from which most people would have exploded into violent rage considering all these factors. But I never reached that point. Sure there was anger in my voice and some yelling and tossing a few items, although not at anyone, but I am surprised I did not explode into pieces. As I said, my wife was right – she and sometimes the kids caught the blunt of this anger and frustration and I was wrong to do that and I can only ask that they forgive me and understand someday.

Those stressors have been reduced. I cannot ever change my family history but like my brother did before me, I will have to work hard to address that family background and work to keep calmer like he did so much more in his years after college and marriage. Secondly, I changed jobs and now do something I truly love and should have gone into when I was young like I originally wanted to before someone or something pulled me into another path. I cannot undue the years but I can enjoy my remaining ones by doing something I love and something which gives me great joy and satisfaction. I did a good deal of community work and volunteering like my father did all through my life and I need to continue that as well. It is good to help others and if everyone actually did some things to help others in life no one really would have to do a lot. Finally, I ripped through my shell and left it in pieces. I am out to so many people now and everyday I feel better and better about myself because of all these disclosures. The hormones have reshaped me emotionally as the testosterone is slowly contained and estrogen pumps its way into my body. This action has allowed me to fully tap into my feminine feelings and emotions that were always there but tucked away for many years only to occur mostly in private moments. Instead of much anger, I now feel sadness and I cry. Freedom did come with a price such as the loss of many in extended family and most importantly my immediate family and wife. My wife is a gentle, caring, loving, compassionate person with a warm heart and she did not deserve what she dealt with over the years although there were many good points as well in my own defense. It’s too bad she never really got to know the real me very often. The full emergence of Melissa- my true soul and identity and my career change into one I so enjoy all came in recent years after we have drifted too far apart. I wish her much peace and happiness in her new life…. I truly do. I hope she wishes it for me as well.

As for me, I much work to do on my new life. Hormones and surgeries do not change your core person or change whether you will be a better person. All too often those of us who are TS think that simply changing one’s body to fit one’s inner essence of gender and identity is the answer to all our problems. Believe me it does help when you no longer struggle with presenting your true identity and gender- but regardless of what gender organs you have you still have to be a good person. You have to strive to care about others, work well with those around you in your job, your families and people in general. You still have to learn and practice patience and kindness and living a calmer, more peaceful life as short as it is in this world. Although my continued transition will occupy my agenda for the near future and I will remain focused on the same, I must remember that although I now live my life fulltime as Melissa. I must still strive to make Melissa a better person -full of love and kindness and passion and tenderness and caring and live my life far better out of the shell than I ever did in it. My wife was mostly right- she usually is …she is an intelligent person and in her are many of the qualities I desire to live by as I live my life as who I really am. When that occurs peace will be found and life more enjoyable not only for myself but all who interact and know Melissa!


And now for a bit of work update. I came out to my Board of Directors and they were all supportive and are very happy I will stay on as Melissa. They will change all the printed materials, magazine, slideshow and website to reflect my new name and new picture. They look forward to seeing me at the next Board and Chapter meeting in September as Melissa. It will be my first venture out professionally as Melissa. My groups I do work for on contract basis are fine with it as well and love my work and will assign work to Melissa just like they did as Russell. There is still a long road to go but the seeds are there and I am anxious to roll up my blouse sleeves and get to work on these career developments. Doing work I enjoy doing as who I truly am …that is definitely a good thing for sure!

Aftershocks, Peace and Barbara Ann Eftimiades

The aftershock of an earthquake can sometimes be as disturbing as the initial quake itself but sometimes peace and calm can come after it all settles down and this is clearly true after one comes out completely to one’s spouse or significant family member about one’s plans to transition and live life as I believe I always was meant to live it - but for getting the wrong dang body parts. Last week the initial shockwave hit when I leveled my wife of 24 years (guess we will end up one short of that silver wedding anniversary huh?) with the news of my desire to fully transition and live life as I was always meant to live it- as a woman. She started angry and accusatory but when she did not get the usual Russell defensive counterattack, she seemed to calm down some. Instead, my wife found a person of great anguish and pain who never raised her voice and calmly (when I was not crying) explained it as best as I could and then provided her with a detailed letter of my life in a shell and what all is going on and will go on in my life as I fully transition to live my life as Melissa who I always have been. She expected Russell when she first began but instead she found Melissa. As our two hour conversation wore on and more tears were shed her anger turned to compassion and quiet solitude and then later to nearly a peaceful contemplation. During this process, she even held me and hugged me as we both shed tears without holding back. It was the first time we had held each other for so long in such a great while and that is something I do deeply regret! I love hugs – they feel so good! Since our first discussion we have actually hugged each other several more times.
I know there is much pain and anguish to come as this unravels even more and we ultimately separate and divorce and get to deal with the pain of lawyers (I need contact with them about as much as I need these little shrinking lumps that hang in a tiny sack nestled in my panties that will be severed someday soon- who knows… maybe the leeches err… I mean lawyers will take care of that for me!). I am anxious to begin a new life living it as I always should have lived it -as Melissa. I am sure there will some tense moments between us but I also think that in time we may be able to even function as friends. I will look out for her and I hope she finds peace and happiness in her life- I truly do! I regret deeply the pain I have caused her and I pulled away from her the last several years as Melissa emerged again with a vengeance. (I guess that is what happens huh when you stick someone in a shell for so long and live in denial and repression and pretend you are someone you are not?). The day after our talk I felt closer to her than I had felt in years! When she looks at my eyes now I think she understands and sees the pain and anguish I suffered for so long and even understands why I must go where I must go in my life while she rebuilds hers. She is a sweet, warm, intelligent and caring person (why I married her in the first place) and I think she understands or will understand more fully in time and maybe why we could someday be friends. I think she would like Melissa. She just simply cannot make the leap and go with me on my journey as my wife- a journey I believe she now knows I must make to free my soul! There have been times of peace and empathy this week but at other times things have been cold and icy as well. That is an aftershock but it subsides and she is back to talking with me. We have talked two times since the initial discussion including another two hour chat on Thursday in which we reached basic agreement on divorce terms and each of us have met with a lawyer and this discussion is not ugly or cut throat but we just want to split it up and move on. We may even agree to no alimony and the kids are adults so there is no child support. We worked on plans to retire some debts before we move on. I know there will be many more little aftershocks and few more rumbling tremors before any of this is all over but she is trying. No voices were raises and we either talked calmly or cried some more but we held each other and talked some more. By the third chat we actually even laughed a few times and despite the fact she could not believe it herself we actually discussed makeup and fashion. She told me we had talked more and held each other more this week than we had in last two years and she is right. I told her that is what happens when barriers are torn down between two people. She is talking with Melissa now …the shell is collapsing into rubble……
When she looks at me now it with understanding of my pain and what hell I have been going through and with a bit more love and kindness. I know there are spouses who despise their husbands transitioning and believe somehow that TS people can somehow be “cured” of being such by some magic wand and live life happily as a man. I sense that my wife is not one of those people and knows that this is real and where and why I must go on my journey. More tense moments will come as the aftershocks roll in but hopefully our structures will stay in place and peace can be found. Hopefully, we will become friends and support each other and our children as they venture through life. Just because she cannot come along for the ride with me does not mean she wants me to be unhappy or not be who I am as a person! Her eyes have met mine several times this week and she sees the pain and anguish in my eyes. Sometimes the eyes shine some shivers of chills too. I never know which to expect. Maybe she now sees through that ugly shell which created such a barrier between us and she sees deeper into the real me. The aftershocks of this quake will continue but maybe peace and calm is not as far away as I once thought and the rebuilding process can begin in our lives. The peace that comes after the shocks and ripples are all over enables an entity to begin the rebuilding process. We are on that road to recovery.
I know that if my friend Barbara Ann were still with us she would have had some profound but comforting words for me on all this-that I have no doubt. Here are the words she wrote to me following my blogs on coming clean and family responses which I wrote a few weeks ago as I prepared for what transpired this week:

Transition is a fire walk, for sure. My wife has outed me to everyone in a 50 square mile area, or so it seems. She has hit me, thrown my PowerBook at me, has taken my girls out of our home - to I know not where - for over a month. She has drained our checking account. And on, and on. Now we both are weary, like two boxers who have gone 17 rounds. You are going into some very emotionally charged territory, kiddo. Just answer their questions, don't respond to their emotions. You can do that in your car after your meetings with your family. Or vent to your friends, who are many. Love- -Barb

Not surprisingly immediately after this emotional disclosure for two hours to wife last weekend I immediately got in the car and cried out and called my sisters for support. Barb knew me very well and her words always comforted me. She left me messages nearly everyday of hope, love and inspiration. Her humor and wit and love and compassion for others was endless and she will be sorely missed by all who knew her …… for if you knew her…you loved her! Her heart was five times the size of her body! Rest in sweet peace girl!
In Loving Memory of Barbara Ann Eftimiades…….March 13, 1953 –July 19, 2008! Her picture is set forth above............................
Thanks to all my sisters who have comforted me this week as I need your support and love and I offer mine to you as well-always!. Our sisterhood and friendship is very important to me and I will always cherish it so much as I continue my journey in life! If anyone ever needs to talk, please reach out to me or another sister-PLEASE! Hugs! Melissa

Tangled Webs (February 08)

Oh the tangled web we weave sometimes ……it is an old saying as sayings go but it is definitely applicable to the scenario I have created of my own doing. My wife is a pretty level headed woman who exhibits sweet tenderness and an easy going personality. She is a generally quiet person and I would say more on the introverted side. However she clearly lives wither her in the sand when it comes to me and my journey as Melissa. She has known for sometime about Melissa although she does not know that I am Melissa and always have been and that I am very uncomfortable in my life of pretending to be someone that I am not. She senses more than she lets on but does not say a thing. She has free access to my closets for years where she can purview the gowns,, slacks, dresses, blouses, skirts and the shoe heaven which exits there ….she has seen the hair disappear from my body over the years until I am smooth as a baby’s bottom (well almost) and she stays a silent as the wind. She has seen all of my ugly boi underwear disappear form my dresser to be replaced by my soft silk and satin and cotton panties of pretty girl colors but yet she remains as quiet as a mouse. She knows I am out doing things as Melissa but does not know every time I shop or dine or sightsee or party with my friends while presenting myself as my true identity yet she asks little of what I do when I am gone on my travels. She has seen some strange habits of mine change or develop over the last few years as a result of my transitional activities (such as having a couple days of beard growth as I prepare for more electrolysis) yet she utters nary a word. She knows I spend more time on line so that I can chat with my friends and sisters but she responds only with deafening silence. She has seen my nails grow long and shiny before her very eyes yet the questions never come.

I blame myself for what has happened with the head in the sand routine on the part of my spouse. I knew I when I married her she was not one to initiate many discussions especially when they would evoke so much controversy or turmoil as finding out her husband is deeply transgendered and living a life pretending to be a male and going through the paces while nearly wanting to scream every waking moment to rip the ever thinning shell from my body that covers Melissa from much of the world! I take full responsibility for this very tangled web which I have woven so thick and full I am beginning to entangle myself in its very threads. The only way this is going to be resolved and for my wife to breath the free air again instead of the grainy sands which surround her is for me to reach down as Melissa and pull her head out of the sand pit I dug and initiate the discussions on this subject with her. I dread this action with great trepidation. It’s the old adage that things left unsaid are better left unsaid or what she does not know cannot hurt her. However, that philosophy is exceedingly flawed in the case of spouses of transgendered people. It’s true I may be able to go on for a few months or more of weaving this entangled web but I know that that will not solve the problem – it will only add more layers to it -while my wife struggles to breath in the sand that covers her head. If I care about her, and I do, I must face the tangled mess I created and give her the complete story and free her from the web and the sand. It will be the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life for sure. It will not happen in a day or even this week but I know that time is not my ally in this matter and it will happen soon …….oh what a tangled web we weave …

The Significant Other (Spring 2007)

The Significant Other by Melissa Ann Pink

Wives, lovers and the transgendered girls can make an explosive combination or at least make for an interesting topic of discussion and my experiences this weekend in meeting Debbie Dunkle from VA and her lovely bride Sandy had me doing some more thinking on the topic of the "significant other" in the relationship with the transgendered person. Most of the transgendered community remains deeply closeted largely out of fear of discovery and shame and retribution and all the entire gambit of ugliness we see that could be imposed upon a poor transgendered girl.
However, for many in the transgendered community the fear of retribution, exposure and other possible implications stem from the possible exposure to the wife or significant other who is totally unaware of their transgended nature. I have chatted with many t-girls who have told me that their spouse does not know, and not only do they not want them to not know, they dread and fear such exposure like it is the black plague! I had more than one girl tell me she would be publicly humiliated and drug through the thorn bushes as they say if her wife ever found out. I am amazed at such a response by the spouse or significant other. I can understand the shock and surprise but I cannot understand the so called loved one trying to hurt the t-girl over something for which she has absolutely no choice over in her complicated life. Inflicting deliberate hurt upon the girl -how's that for loving someone in good times and in bad huh?
There are many other significant others who would not go to that extreme but still would call for separation and end what may be a wonderful relationship simply because they find out they are "in love with " a transgendered person. What a shame that is - for it is probably the sweet loving more tender girl inside the male shell that they actually fell in love with in the first place when the relationship began and blossomed. Unfortunately, this significant other is the typical one for the community and constitutes a major factor in the keeping that poor troubled girl buried in her dark closet and cut off from the real world and at the very least the love and support of her transgendered sisters. Isolation and fear are not the comforts that a t-girl needs in her struggles!
There is a another group of sisters who have spouses or significant others where the partner knows and maybe tacitly accepts which maybe better defined as lukewarm support or tolerance. (Anyone remember the military's policy on gays and lesbians created by Clinton- Don't ask- don't tell). The policy with the SO permits the t-girl to get out and do some things and live a partial life in her feminine side without generally fearing the significant retribution by spouse but lukewarm support is a lot like lukewarm water- neither hot enough to feel good and not cold enough to cool off. Tolerance is not support and embracement of the transgendered girl but it definitely beats the experience of the most of the tgs in the paragraphs outlined above.
For those in the transgendered community fortunate enough to be involved in a relationship with a spouse or significant other who embraces the feminine side and supports the transgendered girl in the struggles of her journey with love and understanding and appreciation, the significant other now is source of joy and comfort for the transgendered soul. I know many who fall into this category but not nearly enough. Barb who supports and goes out with Francine is on couple that comes to my mind. My friend Beth has a a girlfriend Lyn who not only supports her but even makes some of her outfits. My very old friend Ranae has a wonderful supportive spouse and has helped her grow as Ranae.This weekend I also had the opportunity to meet Chloe's wife Ranae. I know she loves Chloe deeply but I could also see in her eyes the fear of where Chloe is heading in her journey because she is called to do so. I know there are some t-girls out there that are single or unattached and some because they chose to do so. That is a fine option if it suits one to do so but many transgendereds entered marriages or relationships before the full understanding of their nature became clear to them and without the spouses actual knowledge of their nature. I think the community would be better served with more significant others like those involved with the girls above. I think I found such a wonderful loving person this weekend when I met Debbie and Sandy. Debbie is transitioning and lives pretty much full time as Debbie. She is functioning as a female on hormones and about to change her legal name. Eventually she will undergo surgery to become the woman she always knew she truly was and who she really is in the short and fragile life we all lead here in this world. I asked Sandy how she felt about this transition for Debbie and she said she supports her and will help her with her SRS. I was somewhat shocked by the response but then she quickly added that she loves her and she knows Debbie will be unhappy unless she can be who she really is as a person. If you truly love someone she added- why would you want to deny them being who they are! That my friends is the love all of us could use whether we are transitioning or not. I whole heartedly endorse there being more people like Sandy in this world for those of us in the transgendered community.