Recovery, Sisters and the Greatest Gift

The last day in the hospital and transfer to the hotel after my discharge and instructions from the nurses and Dr. McGinn was a triumphant one for me and one of accomplishment for me in a very beautiful but difficult week. Kiddingly, Dr. McGinn referred to me by Thursday as her senior and three other girls underwent GCS or GCS and BA following my lead on Monday. Terry, the mid fifties lawyer from NJ had her procedures performed on Tuesday and she pretty much operated on her own without support. Barah the 29 year old local gal whose job is best described as “the female Homer Simpson with intelligence” had her surgeries on Wednesday and she had several friends with her for support. She unfortunately needed it as she had the biggest setback of all as she tore a stitch straining to expunge gas and had to have it repaired and the administration of two pints of blood. She cried a lot after it happened and she was depressed understandably. Barah gave me the best compliment on Thursday when I came to see her on my limited walks with a walker and held her hand and tried to comfort her ….she said “ Melissa your hand is so soft and feminine” Paula also visited her as well as Terry since she had no one with her. On Thursday, Marcy from Orlando Florida (the freshman) underwent her procedures and she had only visits from her previously estranged father of 15 years and of course our floor angel Paula as well as myself during my brief walks. We would be the class of the week of May 18th and the last of the month of May for Christine McGinn.
As I mentioned all of us struggled with the pressure of gas due to the fact we had purged for days and only slowly had regained appetites. I know I did not pass gas until the nurses stood me to stand on Wednesday morning and I was embarrassed as I did so in front of them but they said “Don’t worry Melissa…let her rip”. By Thursday night I was expunging the gas pressure buildup so frequently that when my physician asked about it I responded by saying that “ I have not passed so much gas since when I was in my college days and went to White Castle after a night of beer drinking at the clubs” . Dr. McGinn who always tries to maintain friendliness but decorum almost lost it with my reply and instead said on that note; she would see me in the morning.
Paula and I showed up at the hotel on Friday night and she got me to the room where I collapsed on the bed. I would be still wearing the catheter and have my packing in from the surgery. I was weak and had trouble bending, pulling myself out of bed or getting myself onto the toilet and walking or standing were only tolerable. Despite the pain and discomfort as I mentioned in the first part of this discussion last week I had made a conscious effort to wean myself from all the drug so I took my last pain pill on Friday night and never touched them again. The other girls including several twenty years my junior kept pounding them like candy for many more than the five days I took them and one took hers every four hours regularly. They did not understand how I tolerated the pain and discomfort without the pain medications. I am not sure how I did it myself except I am notorious for going down hard early and then coming back strong and dealing with the pain. Secondly, I pushed myself to walk everyday and many chose not to do so – choosing instead to stay in their hotel room because they did not look the best (like that was even possible after what we all had just undergone. Also many did not like getting out and about with all the packing in or catheter attached but I did not let these things stop me.
Three times a day I walked the floors of the hotel, I bought several long stretch cotton flowing peasant skirts which I use to conceal the catheter. As for the walk well it was not very lady like as they say and more resembled a cowboy after a long hard ride but you try walking with 12 feet of packing shoved up your cavity and we will see how you do indeed! Walking and resting and taking my vitamins and antibiotics began my daily course for several days. By Monday night I wanted to tear the packing out myself and remove the catheter and I could not wait for Tuesday morning and my first post op visit to Dr. McGinn’s office. The first thing I learned to do when arrived there was, even with some soreness and stiffness, to get into the stirrup chair. I will have to say that really does put one in a very open and vulnerable position for sure. Dr. McGinn then removed about twelve feet of packing from my new vagina and Paula counted the feet as they came out. Do you remember the old magic trick where the magician pulls out the scarf that never seems to end out of the hat? That trick pales in comparison to what my surgeon did in the removal of the packing. Then came the separation of my catheter which had been my restroom for eight days by my physician. After all the removals had been accomplished the moment of truth was upon us as she lowered a mirror down to reflect her work and my new anatomy – one that would finally reflect my true essence of a woman. I was stunned and overcome with emotion as she did this ….there it was …my vagina. She told me about all the swelling and scars and bruising but despite all those things it was the most beautiful reflection to ever come from that area of my body. I almost cried and Paula said I begin to glow radiantly. I could not believe the ugly parts that never felt right on my body were gone and they were replaced by a beautiful vagina. Dr. McGinn then conducted neew anatomy 101 and went through all the specs on my new correct genitalia. This was followed by first gift……....a package containing two dilators that I soon would become my new “best friends”. The smaller one was pinkish color and I later nicknamed it “The Pink Lady” and the larger powder blue one I nicknamed affectionately “Mistress Blue” I suspect Mistress Blue was going to hurt a bit ….LOL. Dr. McGinn demonstrated the process of dilating and then had me do it under her supervision. Everything went smoothly and I was now on her rigorous schedule of dilation as Dr. McGinn requires dilation six times a day for the for the first eight weeks before dropping to four and so forth over time. No other physician performing this surgery requires this level of frequency but she believes optimal results are obtained with a very rigorous dilation schedule and so my life over the initial 8 weeks will be spent largely in recovery and in cycle of regular and frequent dilations! After we left Dr. McGinn’s office I returned to the hotel and enjoyed the pleasures of a hot steamy shower- the first one in eight days. Oh My God did it feel so good…real body wash, hot water, shampoo and conditioner ….it was like heaven and I will admit I was not good with water conservation on that use but after eight long days I needed it badly!!! After freshening up I got comfortable on the bed and did my first dilation on my own. In time, I knew I would grow far more comfortable with the process.
On Wednesday, Paula and I went out to pick up some supplies after dining Tuesday evening with Terry the woman who had her surgery the day after mine. She is a practicing lawyer in New York and NJ. She immigrated from England and still carries the English accent. She is a delightful gal and hopes to find a nice gentleman to spend her time with after she recovers from all this we went through. Paula looked in on her a great deal during the week while she recovered at the hotel. Paula and I also decided on Wednesday to pick up some pies and a thank you card for the nursing staff who took such good care of me during my stay. It was good to see the ladies again and they were so surprised to see me and talked about how wonderful I looked and clearly appreciated the gesture of our gifts and cards. I truly could not believe how these people provided such outstanding care and each one of them before they left their last shift before I left came up to me and held my hand and wished me well in my future. I was deeply touched by their warmth and the outstanding care they provided! .
We ate dinner that night with the young friends of the girl who had her surgery two days after me named Barah. Barah had had a bit of a rough time and was now cautious and did not join us. She is a beautiful young girl who was the local gal living only thirty minutes away. She is a control operator at a nuclear power plant. Yes- she is the female Homer Simpson although with a wee bit more intelligence than that of the bumbling cartoon character. Her friends Kate and Lindsey were great company. Barah like Terry also is interested in finding a guy to date now that her physical transition is complete. She got her catheter and packing out on Thursday shortly after my second visit to Dr. McGinn. At this visit,Dr. McGinn did some revisions, rechecked the depth and approved my departure. She also gave me two wonderful gifts. The first was my affidavits that I would be able to use to change my gender marker on my legal documents. I loved reading it. The second gift was a butterfly necklace made from a wing of butterfly that had died naturally. It was beautiful and it represented my freedom to soar as my true self- Melissa. I had now emerged fully from the shell that trapped me for so long to soar as the beautiful butterfly I am and always have been in my life!
We dined with Barah and Terry and Barah’s good friend Kate on Thursday and we all hugged one another and promised to stay in touch. On Friday Paula and I spent several hours visiting the girl who had her surgery four days after me and she was still in some pain. She was a young beautiful girl who does hard outdoor work despite her petite frame and stature. She spoke Spanish fluently and had immigrated to Florida from Uruguay. Marcy had only recently reconnected with her father who was obviously struggling with her child being transgendered. Marcy also would like to find a nice man to date. Yes- I was the only lesbian in the girls of week of May 18th. Sometimes I wonder why but more and more girls seem to seek men as their partner after transition either because of society’s pressures to fit in after an already stressful life or sometimes maybe the need to validate themselves as woman with the traditional fare of a man. I am glad they will find happiness in their partners following transition. The softness and sweetness and passion of another woman somehow escape these girls but I am not sure why this occurs. I hope each of my sisters who shared my time with as we went through the surgery and recovery together find peace and happiness in their journey. To each their own, of course and each must find their own path in this journey. I wish them nothing but sheer happiness for life is best filled with happiness than with misery for sure!
After packing few things and getting some dinner, Paula and I prepared for our return trip home where I would continue my recovery. I feel stronger each day and getting more strength back as I exercise by walking and resting in between the frequent dilations. Just about the time I get myself back to a good comfort level with my strength and recovery it will be time to do this all again – albeit with the roles reversed and Paula undergoing the process. She knows what to expect and I know what she will be feeling. I will need to find my strength to be her supportive loving partner and help her get through all of this surgery and recovery. It is her time to shine and the focus must be all on her and her needs! I hope I can be as good in this role as she was for me in mine. I wonder whether any other girls will be undergoing their surgery that week with her and if so I wonder whether any will have partners or even be lesbians. I know she will be happy to gaze down upon the work of Dr. McGinn and see the reflection she always felt should have been reflected back in the mirror. In the meantime …..I think it is either time for me to walk, take some vitamins and supplements or dilate again so I bid you all a farewell till next time …..Thanks again for all your loving support and kindness during my surgery and recovery! Hugs, Melissa
I hope you enjoy the slide show of my journey in New Hope and if you want to read the sptions for the pics you will need to keep the curser in play so the film strip shows on the side which pics advance…….

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Aftershocks, Peace and Barbara Ann Eftimiades

The aftershock of an earthquake can sometimes be as disturbing as the initial quake itself but sometimes peace and calm can come after it all settles down and this is clearly true after one comes out completely to one’s spouse or significant family member about one’s plans to transition and live life as I believe I always was meant to live it - but for getting the wrong dang body parts. Last week the initial shockwave hit when I leveled my wife of 24 years (guess we will end up one short of that silver wedding anniversary huh?) with the news of my desire to fully transition and live life as I was always meant to live it- as a woman. She started angry and accusatory but when she did not get the usual Russell defensive counterattack, she seemed to calm down some. Instead, my wife found a person of great anguish and pain who never raised her voice and calmly (when I was not crying) explained it as best as I could and then provided her with a detailed letter of my life in a shell and what all is going on and will go on in my life as I fully transition to live my life as Melissa who I always have been. She expected Russell when she first began but instead she found Melissa. As our two hour conversation wore on and more tears were shed her anger turned to compassion and quiet solitude and then later to nearly a peaceful contemplation. During this process, she even held me and hugged me as we both shed tears without holding back. It was the first time we had held each other for so long in such a great while and that is something I do deeply regret! I love hugs – they feel so good! Since our first discussion we have actually hugged each other several more times.
I know there is much pain and anguish to come as this unravels even more and we ultimately separate and divorce and get to deal with the pain of lawyers (I need contact with them about as much as I need these little shrinking lumps that hang in a tiny sack nestled in my panties that will be severed someday soon- who knows… maybe the leeches err… I mean lawyers will take care of that for me!). I am anxious to begin a new life living it as I always should have lived it -as Melissa. I am sure there will some tense moments between us but I also think that in time we may be able to even function as friends. I will look out for her and I hope she finds peace and happiness in her life- I truly do! I regret deeply the pain I have caused her and I pulled away from her the last several years as Melissa emerged again with a vengeance. (I guess that is what happens huh when you stick someone in a shell for so long and live in denial and repression and pretend you are someone you are not?). The day after our talk I felt closer to her than I had felt in years! When she looks at my eyes now I think she understands and sees the pain and anguish I suffered for so long and even understands why I must go where I must go in my life while she rebuilds hers. She is a sweet, warm, intelligent and caring person (why I married her in the first place) and I think she understands or will understand more fully in time and maybe why we could someday be friends. I think she would like Melissa. She just simply cannot make the leap and go with me on my journey as my wife- a journey I believe she now knows I must make to free my soul! There have been times of peace and empathy this week but at other times things have been cold and icy as well. That is an aftershock but it subsides and she is back to talking with me. We have talked two times since the initial discussion including another two hour chat on Thursday in which we reached basic agreement on divorce terms and each of us have met with a lawyer and this discussion is not ugly or cut throat but we just want to split it up and move on. We may even agree to no alimony and the kids are adults so there is no child support. We worked on plans to retire some debts before we move on. I know there will be many more little aftershocks and few more rumbling tremors before any of this is all over but she is trying. No voices were raises and we either talked calmly or cried some more but we held each other and talked some more. By the third chat we actually even laughed a few times and despite the fact she could not believe it herself we actually discussed makeup and fashion. She told me we had talked more and held each other more this week than we had in last two years and she is right. I told her that is what happens when barriers are torn down between two people. She is talking with Melissa now …the shell is collapsing into rubble……
When she looks at me now it with understanding of my pain and what hell I have been going through and with a bit more love and kindness. I know there are spouses who despise their husbands transitioning and believe somehow that TS people can somehow be “cured” of being such by some magic wand and live life happily as a man. I sense that my wife is not one of those people and knows that this is real and where and why I must go on my journey. More tense moments will come as the aftershocks roll in but hopefully our structures will stay in place and peace can be found. Hopefully, we will become friends and support each other and our children as they venture through life. Just because she cannot come along for the ride with me does not mean she wants me to be unhappy or not be who I am as a person! Her eyes have met mine several times this week and she sees the pain and anguish in my eyes. Sometimes the eyes shine some shivers of chills too. I never know which to expect. Maybe she now sees through that ugly shell which created such a barrier between us and she sees deeper into the real me. The aftershocks of this quake will continue but maybe peace and calm is not as far away as I once thought and the rebuilding process can begin in our lives. The peace that comes after the shocks and ripples are all over enables an entity to begin the rebuilding process. We are on that road to recovery.
I know that if my friend Barbara Ann were still with us she would have had some profound but comforting words for me on all this-that I have no doubt. Here are the words she wrote to me following my blogs on coming clean and family responses which I wrote a few weeks ago as I prepared for what transpired this week:

Transition is a fire walk, for sure. My wife has outed me to everyone in a 50 square mile area, or so it seems. She has hit me, thrown my PowerBook at me, has taken my girls out of our home - to I know not where - for over a month. She has drained our checking account. And on, and on. Now we both are weary, like two boxers who have gone 17 rounds. You are going into some very emotionally charged territory, kiddo. Just answer their questions, don't respond to their emotions. You can do that in your car after your meetings with your family. Or vent to your friends, who are many. Love- -Barb

Not surprisingly immediately after this emotional disclosure for two hours to wife last weekend I immediately got in the car and cried out and called my sisters for support. Barb knew me very well and her words always comforted me. She left me messages nearly everyday of hope, love and inspiration. Her humor and wit and love and compassion for others was endless and she will be sorely missed by all who knew her …… for if you knew her…you loved her! Her heart was five times the size of her body! Rest in sweet peace girl!
In Loving Memory of Barbara Ann Eftimiades…….March 13, 1953 –July 19, 2008! Her picture is set forth above............................
Thanks to all my sisters who have comforted me this week as I need your support and love and I offer mine to you as well-always!. Our sisterhood and friendship is very important to me and I will always cherish it so much as I continue my journey in life! If anyone ever needs to talk, please reach out to me or another sister-PLEASE! Hugs! Melissa

The First Time (Spring 2007)

Everybody loves the first time they do something new or big or the first time they experience something whether it is the first time they ride a bike or a new exciting ride on a the latest attraction to the amusement park or the first time they drove a car alone. The thrill of doing it for the first time and living the experiences we crave in our lives is one of the driving forces that keeps us going in this world. Comming out of the closet for the first time and going out into public enfemme for the first time is no different, but of course, it is unique to our transgendered community.
Last weekend, I got to see the other end of that expereince when after months of discussion and proding in my efforts to outreach , I was able to convince my friend Roxanne ( Roxi ) to come out of her well stocked and deeply embedded closet and enter the world bring ing Roxi to the world and meeting her sisters who embraced her as I knew they would. She did so at the Pink Essence -GNO in Akron last week. I know she struggled to get to this point but I clearly sensed in her the need to get out and meet her sisters and I was still mildly suprised she showed at the hotel . I helped her get ready and make the final prepartions for our night out Unlike some first timers, she did not merely go to an alternative club under the cover of darkness but also went out in broad daylight strolling through a shopping area in Quaker Square and had dinner with some of the girls there as well. I talked with her several times this week and she was still living on that high of being out in public and meeting so many of her sisters who embraced her and had fun with her that night.
I remember the first time I went out in public with trhe assistence of a prodding sister when I was in New Orleans visting there in mid 90's . Carla ( not the one in Pink essence in Ohio who is my close friend) was the girl's name and she spent weeks online with me convincing to make this giant leap out of the dark, deep and lonely closet to come out in public for the first time . I was so scared that day I could barely eat and I was out getting ready all afternoon with my nails and wig styling and shopping for that minute accessory. I walked from the hair and nail salon for five blocks in broad daylight with my friend and had a drink at a local club before heading to the tg party that night for dinner and drinks and out to another four or five clubs . I did not want the night to end and I remember with each step I took walking ( despite the four inch heels ) I kept gaining so much confidence- all while realizing Melissa was free from her self imposed containment.
Several things happen when you go out for the first time as a transgendered person. First, you get that rush of excitement of doing something for the first time that is new and exciting. Secondly, if you go to a dinner, club or party where you meet other transgendered girls its so incredible when you walk in that room and find 40, 50 or in my case 60 other girls - you just want to scream Oh my God.......I am not alone!!! Thirdly, you gain confidence in yourself and begin the journey in a different direction of being out and more free - for the journey can only go so far in a dark and lonely closet! Lastly, you realize how much fun you can have being with your sisters and having a great time. Although the exhilaration of going out the first time fades as you go out more frequently and the journey soon puts you further down the road and you know clearly you aren't alone ( in fact, I have been fortunate to be out all over - both locally and nationally and even internationally if you count Canada and met hundreds of sisters ), there is still one of the factors in play every time I go out as Melissa-I still realize how much I need to be with my sisters and how much I enjoy being with them and having fun with them. As long as I have my sisters and friends I can experience that one small part of going the first time over and over again!
Lastly, I am committed to helping any sister that truly seeks to come out and wants a big sister to help them. If you are serious ( no games) in wanting to take that step, all you ever have to do is ask me for my help and I will do anything I can to assist you to make it happen. As I have said many times, my sisters are very important to me - they enrich me and I have so much fun being with them!
Hugs, Melissa