The Significant Other (Spring 2007)

The Significant Other by Melissa Ann Pink

Wives, lovers and the transgendered girls can make an explosive combination or at least make for an interesting topic of discussion and my experiences this weekend in meeting Debbie Dunkle from VA and her lovely bride Sandy had me doing some more thinking on the topic of the "significant other" in the relationship with the transgendered person. Most of the transgendered community remains deeply closeted largely out of fear of discovery and shame and retribution and all the entire gambit of ugliness we see that could be imposed upon a poor transgendered girl.
However, for many in the transgendered community the fear of retribution, exposure and other possible implications stem from the possible exposure to the wife or significant other who is totally unaware of their transgended nature. I have chatted with many t-girls who have told me that their spouse does not know, and not only do they not want them to not know, they dread and fear such exposure like it is the black plague! I had more than one girl tell me she would be publicly humiliated and drug through the thorn bushes as they say if her wife ever found out. I am amazed at such a response by the spouse or significant other. I can understand the shock and surprise but I cannot understand the so called loved one trying to hurt the t-girl over something for which she has absolutely no choice over in her complicated life. Inflicting deliberate hurt upon the girl -how's that for loving someone in good times and in bad huh?
There are many other significant others who would not go to that extreme but still would call for separation and end what may be a wonderful relationship simply because they find out they are "in love with " a transgendered person. What a shame that is - for it is probably the sweet loving more tender girl inside the male shell that they actually fell in love with in the first place when the relationship began and blossomed. Unfortunately, this significant other is the typical one for the community and constitutes a major factor in the keeping that poor troubled girl buried in her dark closet and cut off from the real world and at the very least the love and support of her transgendered sisters. Isolation and fear are not the comforts that a t-girl needs in her struggles!
There is a another group of sisters who have spouses or significant others where the partner knows and maybe tacitly accepts which maybe better defined as lukewarm support or tolerance. (Anyone remember the military's policy on gays and lesbians created by Clinton- Don't ask- don't tell). The policy with the SO permits the t-girl to get out and do some things and live a partial life in her feminine side without generally fearing the significant retribution by spouse but lukewarm support is a lot like lukewarm water- neither hot enough to feel good and not cold enough to cool off. Tolerance is not support and embracement of the transgendered girl but it definitely beats the experience of the most of the tgs in the paragraphs outlined above.
For those in the transgendered community fortunate enough to be involved in a relationship with a spouse or significant other who embraces the feminine side and supports the transgendered girl in the struggles of her journey with love and understanding and appreciation, the significant other now is source of joy and comfort for the transgendered soul. I know many who fall into this category but not nearly enough. Barb who supports and goes out with Francine is on couple that comes to my mind. My friend Beth has a a girlfriend Lyn who not only supports her but even makes some of her outfits. My very old friend Ranae has a wonderful supportive spouse and has helped her grow as Ranae.This weekend I also had the opportunity to meet Chloe's wife Ranae. I know she loves Chloe deeply but I could also see in her eyes the fear of where Chloe is heading in her journey because she is called to do so. I know there are some t-girls out there that are single or unattached and some because they chose to do so. That is a fine option if it suits one to do so but many transgendereds entered marriages or relationships before the full understanding of their nature became clear to them and without the spouses actual knowledge of their nature. I think the community would be better served with more significant others like those involved with the girls above. I think I found such a wonderful loving person this weekend when I met Debbie and Sandy. Debbie is transitioning and lives pretty much full time as Debbie. She is functioning as a female on hormones and about to change her legal name. Eventually she will undergo surgery to become the woman she always knew she truly was and who she really is in the short and fragile life we all lead here in this world. I asked Sandy how she felt about this transition for Debbie and she said she supports her and will help her with her SRS. I was somewhat shocked by the response but then she quickly added that she loves her and she knows Debbie will be unhappy unless she can be who she really is as a person. If you truly love someone she added- why would you want to deny them being who they are! That my friends is the love all of us could use whether we are transitioning or not. I whole heartedly endorse there being more people like Sandy in this world for those of us in the transgendered community.