The Cocoon (Spring 2007)

The Cocoon by: Melissa Ann Pink

Ever see a caterpillar crawling along the ground or along a branch somewhere or look up in a tree and see the white puffy cocoons they build before they undergo their transformation in this beautiful, colorful, soaring butterfly that seems to bounce freely in the air without a care? I think being transgendered is lot like being the caterpillar as we eagerly await the day we are more like the beautiful, soaring butterfly and our journey as transgendered people leads us in that direction, albeit at different paces and with many twists and turns dependent on how well we have built the cocoons before we began to unravel them and embrace our transformations.
When we are young, must of us began dressing in clothes of other family members such as a sister or mother and we did so most of the time with great trepidation and guilt and shame. Although those feelings rarely stopped us from doing so, they made us put layers on ourselves which hid this dark secret from others in the world. Each time we expressed our feminine side, guilt and fear made us hide it even deeper, again with the placement of layers on ourselves so no one could find out this little secret of ours. Maybe we overcompensated in the masculine department with much false machismo, the immersion into sports, outdoor activities or hunting or other so called “masculine "activities. Each time we did so we buried our true selves deeper in a cocoon built over time with layers of guilt and shame. The deeper we buried ourselves and hid in the cocoon, the more unlikely we would be discovered and exposed. Some girls even resisted the temptation to dress early in life or stopped the process for years and immersed themselves deeper in the cocoon as they did.......but deep down in the cocoon everyone one of us knew that we were denying our true selves as transgendered people and all the multiple layers wrapped around us would not be able to prevent the transformation from the ugly little caterpillars into the beautiful butterflies we were destined to be in this world!
Each of us at some point began a process of pealing off the layers we had built around us that hid our true selves from the world. Of course, the process of doing so for each of us was vastly different and the pace we did so varied widely as well. Each step we took in our journey helped us peel off a layer. The time when accepted and embraced our transgendered nature in ourselves and the time we no longer decided to deny our true selves and these experiences each stopped the process of cocooning and began the process of unraveling the cocoon we had built over so many years. Each event thereafter continued this process although those that remain deeply closeted remain deeply embedded in those cocoons we built over time. The first time we go out in public enfemme we tear off a layer. The first time we go out in daylight shopping or to lunch with our sisters we tear off another. Go out alone enfemme and tear through yet another layer. Let our friends and family know about our transgendered nature and there goes more layers pealing off and so on and so forth along our journey.
Pretty soon the cocoon becomes a thing veil which is easier to see through and in doing so we expose ourselves further to the world. At some point, some of us reach a place where they burst through the cocoon and emerge into the world as the beautiful, soaring, colorful butterflies we always knew we were but because of societal pressures and guilt and shame we would not let others see. I see many butterflies out there, but many of us are still at other points in the process along the way either still slowly unraveling the cocoon or trying to operate under a thin veil which barely contains us hoping someday we can burst all the way through and emerge transformed into the beautiful, soaring and colorful butterflies we were meant to be. I am somewhere along in the process and will continue my journey and in doing so, I will enjoy my time with my sisters who help me and support me and encourage me to continue this process as I do the same for them. It’s not a race ......its a journey and there is plenty of room out there in the world for many butterflies to escape their cocoons and soar and display their beauty for all the world to see!
Thanks to all my sisters and friends who helped me along in my journey which still continues and I hope I have helped others in theirs as well. I wish each of you a beautiful journey filled with friends and love !