If you have read many of my blogs over the last year or so you know I refer to my outer male mode entity as my shell…a shell which cover and hides my true persona –Melissa from most of the world. The shell becomes burdensome to lug around and this seems to be true with ever increasing frequency. It is weighing so heavily on me sometimes I feel the weight of all this will cause me to fall and collapse. I know there are many sisters I can count on to help me back up should this occur but just like the old fairy tale story of Mr. Humpty Dumpty…I doubt my sisters would be able to put the shell back together any more than the King’s men could for the old egg shell character of the story. Quite frankly, I hope they can’t. I have grown increasingly tired of this device which suffocates me!
I know there are t-girls out there that are quite happy with the balance they have found in their lives between their male and female sides. I do not and will never look down upon crossdressers who are able to switch back and forth with little ease and I am envious of the balance they have achieved and I respect their choices as their path has lead them. I am also envious of the girls who are transgendered and their path and journey has lead them to decisions to live full time as their true essence even those who have decided to go the distance and have all the surgeries in order to live their remainder of their lives as woman or man depending on which way they are moving. My problem is that I am like these later people in that I know Melissa is my true persona and that I would be happier being able to live my life fully as Melissa…working…...living…….loving and being seen only as her by the world – even if all of it won’t accept me as such!
Yet- I am forced by circumstances to live my life trying to find a balance that cannot be achieved and struggling to keep an old shell covering in place to conceal my true spirit. The central issue as I have written several times is my family. A wife I cannot squarely face to confront her although she senses my struggle because I fear the answers that will come when I do-so I put it off –knowing that I am only delaying the inevitable which will come! The same is true of my children and primarily my son who is finishing school and will soon be off to college. I can only envision the hurt I will cause him. I know many others in my extended family such as cousins and nephews and nieces and in-laws will react with shock and dismay and many I fear will reject me. The handful of male friends who know only the shell will likely react much in the same way although I suspect a few surprises. This week I have had three separate and different dreams involving me coming out to many members of the family. Three dreams in one week tells me that the issue weighs heavily upon my mind and is increasing the strain upon the old tired shell which seems to reveal more and more cracks by the day. I know this can only continue so long and I sometimes live on pins and needles as to when the shell will become ripped open beyond repair and life as I know it and live it will change traumatically! I have had some long chats with my wonderful girlfriend Paula recently and I know she is doing all she can to guide me and steer me through the weekly crises which seem to occur. I recently met her wife who hugged me upon meeting and I so wanted to tell her how much I appreciate her sharing Paula with me as I care for her dearly and she has so enriched my life. I sometimes envision Paula running around the old shell throwing patch work repairs on the ever increasingly shattered shell that is ripping apart each and everyday. I love you for trying girl …but I think it is time she stop wasting her energy on this increasingly futile task ……the shell’s demise is imminent…all the King’s horses and all the King’s men can save their time and energy…it not worth saving anyway!
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