Welcome to the New Year my friends and I thought I would start off 2008 with a fresh look at problem for many in the transgendered community- our families. I have read and listened with great interest to the struggles of many in our community in dealing with their families and family issues. I am not talking in particular about spouses since I addressed that issue back in a blog in the spring of 2008 but instead focus on parents, children and siblings who may discover or be told that their son or daughter or brother or sister or mother or father are transgendered and the need of the transgendered person to continue those bonds and spend time with their families. Now I know there are some that few family members around and they may not be on point with this discussion but for the vast majority of transgendered people this is a real and complex issue!
Several recent posts from some of my friends such as Glenda and Chloe, my telephone chats with my friend Debbie in VA and my attendance and participation in my transgender support group meetings where the issue has been raised and discussed has me doing a lot of soul searching myself on this very issue. I feel their anguish and their joy as well as their frustration and sadness in confronting this issue. Debbie has been making great strides in reconnecting to her siblings and in-laws in recent months as she moves toward her SRS and life as Debbie. It has not been easy for her but she has persevered and found some happiness and success in her efforts. As for Chloe, I know she loves her children dearly and I feel her anguish as she is pushed further away from them with her transition and her other family members have already continued their outward hostility toward her new life as Chloe which has been consistent since her journey began. Glenda talked about her continued commitment to her children and how she has sought to find balance in her life in her expression of Glenda and the time she spends with her children as she knows they still need her as their father. My friend DeeDee Casto is another case however where anguish and hostility has prevailed in her life. She had a particular troubling time over the recent holidays where she received no visits from her daughter despite the fact DeeDee cannot drive herself due to physical problems. She received no card for her birthday or Christmas from her daughter. All she received was deafening silence and an e-mail from her last Tuesday before our group meeting I pick her up and drive her to in which her daughter says she abandoned her family by living life as DeeDee even though she only seeks to live it as she meant to live it all her life. It like all the previous years meant nothing. Her daughter even chastised her for having the nerve to have foundation makeup on when she came over before Thanksgiving to assist DeeDee with her sick cat. The e-mail was quite painful as I watched her read in the car before we went into the meeting and tears streamed down her face. When we went into the meeting I heard two other stories of transgendered girls who came out to the family over the holidays. One was very fortunate in that her parents told her they still loved her and that they always kind of knew. They welcomed her and told her she would always be welcome in their home. Her father even sent her a birthday card the other week addressed to his daughter! The other was not as fortunate as they attempted to discuss this matter with the brother of the spouse of the transgendered girl and her spouse’s brother balked and refused to even see her and told her she was not welcome in his home. Obviously, her wife was hurt that her brother who she was so close to would react that way. I saw the tears swell up in her eyes as she related the events of the past weeks and the pain resonated into me. Two mothers came to the group –one with her trans daughter and one with her trans son and both showed me great courage and ove and support for their children and who they were meant to be I was captivated by their stories and love for their children! Interestingly, another younger transgendered girl spoke up about the question she was asked in college class about if she could go back in time and change anything what would it be (obviously she would like to change her chromosomes) but yet another transgendered girl spoke up and said that sometimes we al think that would be great but then we would have never had the children we did in life and we would have missed out in so much if they had never been born and lived as part of our lives!
I have spent several restless nights myself over the last few weeks as the holidays and time spent more with family and hearing and reading all these different accounts and stories has me wondering what is in store for Melissa in the future with my family. My parents are deceased so there is nothing to resolve there and just before I was abut to tell my bother, and I think he would have been ok with it really, he was killed in a freak and tragic accident. So all that remains, besides in-laws which can either take it or leave it as far as I am concerned, are my two children. I love them dearly and I have tried to be a good father to them giving them love and guidance and I spent many hours with them when they were younger supporting their activities and being there if they needed me. I am still there for them today even though one is about to embark on her own career and another gets ready to head off to college. The older one knows but not a real in depth understanding and the younger is not ready to handle it yet so he has not been told. In time, both will need to know a lot more about Melissa as I continue my journey and I so wonder how each will react. What will be my story to tell? It is painful enough to work through issues of evolving into the person who were all your life but hid away for so long because of fear and confusion you thought you could mask in a shell covering but having lost my parents and brother to death I shutter to think losing connection with my children just because I am Melissa and need to express her. I only hope that my children will see the sacrifices I made for them for so long including hiding all this away from them and others so that they could grow up without all the issues that go with having a transgendered parent in a community where everyone knows everyone and nearly everything they do! Will they remember the hours I spent with them, the places I took them to see, the guidance I offered and the love I have for them and embrace me for who I really am.? If so, will they now make a few sacrifices for me and continue my involvement in their life as their parent despite being transgendered and living increasingly more as Melissa who I was really meant to be? As I write this blog, tears have streamed down my face but I know I must have faith and hope in their love-for sometimes faith and hope is all we have in this world!
I again wish all of you peace and joy and happiness and love in the New Year!
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