Sometimes I almost confuse myself …….I am not happy with all of the “mode switching” I am involved in my current stage of my journey as a transgendered person. Just the other week I worked during the day on Monday enfemme but had to change before my son came home from school since he is not aware and not ready to understand what is going on with his father. On Tuesday, I was at my transgender support group meeting on Tuesday night enfemme after working during day in my dreaded boi mode shell. Wednesday I got to spend the entire day presenting as my true self Melissa and enjoyed it immensely but on Thursday another business function forced me back to boi mode. Friday, I traveled as Melissa and went out with a friend for dinner and theatre. Saturday was another day enfemme but Sunday brought back the ugly shell. I figured it out one day. I am spending about 40% of my time presenting myself as Melissa and about 60% of the time stuck in the ugly boi mode shell.
Don’t get me wrong- I remember a time when my presentation as Melissa was very limited and I got out maybe once every couple months. I enjoy the fact that my time presenting my true self has dramatically increased and I expect it to and want it to increase even more as time progresses. I do envy sometimes the girls or guys who are Trans who live either full time or are so part time it’s like an occasional exploration into the other realm. It’s not that I want to go back to those days at all- for I love presenting my true self as often as I possibly can. However, what I envy is the fact that in both scenarios, the person does not have to switch back and forth so frequently their head spins like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. For those of who are around 50/50 in our presentations, it gets crazy sometimes with all this “mode switching”. Hell sometimes I get confused on which bathroom to go into. For example, if I spend a couple days presenting myself as Melissa and then have to switch modes I find myself instinctively walking to the ladies room without even noticing it ….only catching myself at the last minute – sometimes.
I hope my journey continues to the point that this mode switching diminishes significantly or maybe even ends all together so I can get over the Linda Blair syndrome and stop nearly embarrassing myself in my selection of a restroom. I think mode switching should be left to transformers and light switches or convertible automobiles. Life and society just does not always make it easy for people to do avoid this head spinning phenomena! However, in the meantime if you hear they are casting for any remakes of the Exorcist or if you see poor Melissa heading for the wrong restroom give her a gentle nudge to the appropriate door….
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