Game Over!

I remember the old days of video games in their infancy when at the end of the game you played so well the machine would utter those famous words……. “Game over”. At that point, regardless of how well and long you played the game you had two choices….either put more quarters in and continue playing a new game of it or get up and move on with your everyday life. For some time now I have played the game of the coy cat and mouse as it involved my true persona and essence of who I am – Melissa with my family and friends and coworkers who mostly know me only as the male shell which covers and hides her from the world. My wife knows some about Melissa and way more than she wants to admit or know but continues to play the dangerous game of sticking her head in the sand and denying what is going on with her husband while we volley under the guise of “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy which inevitably never works because someone always asks and someone always tells. My daughter knows some about Melissa but fears much more is involved and she is right of course. The girl who is bright and open minded recently graduated college and will hopefully gain employment in the near future. She received her degree in psychology and last semester she took a course in gender psychology and studied works from gender authors including “She’s Not There”. She suspects a great deal about her father but for the most part remains silent. My son is about to receive his high school diploma and is about to move on to college. Male teenagers especially those that are athletes like he was don’t want to know anything about their father being feminine and being a woman. I tried to provide a stable “normal” house for them while they grew up in Appalachia and in this town and I did not want them to be burdened by this disclosure about me by their friends. Teenage years are hard enough as it is anyway. My few friends from the shell’s interaction do not know about me except one and of course my work colleagues have not a clue although they may fathom a suspicion or two.

This is all about to change and change soon. I have had enough of the damn game and it is time people who are suppose to love and support me and who consider me a good enough person to be their friend or business associate to know who I really and truly am and how proud I am to be transgendered as well as full disclosure of my intentions, struggles and the fear that has paralyzed me for so long to keep the secret from them. I was afraid they would all reject me and leave me alone and unloved in a world that calls for much love and warmth and interaction with others. I will admit I went to the Be-all Conference this past week and my interaction with my sisters in our community and the great courage that many shared and displayed and my involvement in workshops and discussions led me to great resolve and great strength that the time has come to stop playing the game and come clean with all who need to know and who should know about who I truly am and where I must go in my journey. It is time for me to “come out” as they say and stand proudly as a transgendered person although I know it was result in some rejection, fears, humiliation from others including some who are technically part of my extended family. I will remember the stories I heard from others and the presenters of workshops on the subject when I make these disclosures but most importantly I will stand proudly. I am who I am and I cannot be ashamed of whom I am as person merely because that involves being transgendered. I have been out all over the country and everywhere one could go as a person and many in the public have seen me for who I am at the places I have been- yet my so called “inner circle” either has no clue or operates on the array of suspicion and constantly side stepping routines. No more my friends! It is over …soon I will soar freely without the burden of this shell and let Melissa shine. I know that if all my family and friends end their relationship with me over this full disclose I will be very and deeply sad and hurt but I will get over it and in the end I have many wonderful and great friends in the transgendered community that have my back including my greatest and deepest friend and my love Paula. I will need them more than ever in the next few weeks as I begin this process of complete disclosure. I played the game very well for so many years and danced around questions and issues like skilled tap dancer but the game playing is over and it is time to let Melissa achieve the heights she can soar to obtain free of self imposed chains. The process will take several weeks and I know much pain is to be shed and tears will flow like a river unleashed in the spring runoff. I shall get through this and I will survive it. It will make me stronger …it will make me freer…..it will make me proud…but most importantly it will let me go forward in my journey and let me live the life I was meant to live …….as Melissa. Sometime ago another transgendered person told me that only when I was willing to risk it all could I ever get where I wanted and needed to be. That time has come my friends and over the next few weeks I ask that you keep me in your thoughts as this process begins in my life. Game over…………I have run out of quarters anyway and its time to move on with my life as it needs to be led.