Dark Ages, Families and Firsts

Sunday morning at the new abode and I am still living in the dark ages! You know the ‘dark ages” – the time period before Cable TV and the internet. Last week’s violent storm left me in the dark for a while and our power line ripped from the house and laying across the yard and upper floor deck as pieces of wood shattered about the roof. The power got restored in a day but I am now entering my eighth day without internet or Cable TV as apparently the storm winds tore apart our service and left me in the dark ages. Paula is still only here a few days a week and Jenny is back out in NM for work after her return home for less than forty eight hours. So I am left alone and facing the dark ages. One does not begin to realize how much one needs the internet until they are without it for any length of time. I have to bring my computer everywhere to find other sources of the “information highway”. It is roughing for sure my friends. The internet is how I run my business and find work. It is how I stay connected to friends…….it is how I find out what is going on the world. I get e-mails from old friends who find out about me and offer their support. I stay connected with my lawyer back in Huntington as I work my way through the tangles of the divorce and my legal name change. What miniscule reports or news (or chastising) I get from my immediate family comes from the internet. I feel like I got off the information highway at an exit only to find there was no return to the road. Maybe I can some guy in long trench coat out there somewhere in a seedy alley selling internet. (Hey baby…….need a connection??) I hope they get this straightened out soon. One can only live in the dark ages so long.
My middle part of the week was exciting as I attended my first professional event and Board meeting for my MPI Chapter as Melissa. I was welcomed with open arms at the Board meeting and no one even slipped up on name or pronoun. I was very pleased indeed! I met up with some of my friends in the ladies room of the Hilton Hotel where I received several hugs and a warm welcome the “club”. The luncheon had about 90 people there and it was great program and I found much more support and understanding. Several women had long chats with me about my transition, the future and life as a woman. Again I got all sorts of hugs and much support and understanding and for my first time doing anything professionally, it went pretty well. I was very happy that day and I know I can function as Melissa in professional settings. I have some resumes in and some wonderful business opportunities I am exploring including partnering with another TS sister on a business venture. I feel the best way to approach anything in work settings is to be confident and stay relaxed which helps you fit in and blend into the new situations for others as well as you.
Finally this past weekend Paula and I did our first entertaining as Jenny had returned for a quick fix of laser and some fresh clothes and we hosted dinner for her parents. Jenny’s parents were exceptionally super people and I, as well as Paula, thoroughly enjoyed meeting them and it is so nice when parents ultimately accept and embrace you for who you are as a person. I also enjoyed cooking and baking for guests and because her mother is a vegetarian I decided to make an old recipe I have for vegetarian lasagna and some fresh break. Jenny grilled some Italian sausage and her mother made a fruit salad that was out so delicious. Good food led to good company and delightful chats and shortly after mother and father left her sister and her husband and niece and had a wonderful time chatting with them as well. Jenny’s sister is very supportive of her and it was good to see them share things with each other and they seemed to have grown closer since jenny came out. Paula and I enjoyed meeting them so much! On Sunday, I got a call from my friend Chloe who wanted to take advantage of the beautiful weather to fly with Denny to visit and I was so glad she called. Paula and I met them at the airport with her children in tow and we had a bite to eat and we showed them the house and chatted about our lives and changes and the upcoming trip to SCC in Atlanta. The kids enjoyed the cats and beautiful lovely parrot and we shuttled them back out to the airport for their return and went back to the house to finally relax. It was a most wonderful weekend of visits indeed.
I snuck in an hour internet over the weekend by driving to Panera Bread and I found several wonderful e-mails of support. Apparently, I am the topic of much discussion in my old town so I might as well enjoy it for in a month or two it will be all blown over and I will be yesterday’s news. However, for the moment my website is apparently generating many hits of curious seekers as the hit meter is evidently spinning like a turnstile. Now if I can only find some internet I can post this blog and maybe check out the hit meter. Dark ages seem to be all around me and I feel like a a CNN reporter announcing…………………..
“Day nine and the internet and cable are still being held hostage!”
Pictured above is me with my good friend Debbie Dunkle taken three months ago who I will see again next week in Atlanta for SCC

Families,fish heads and the washing of hands

Families are wonderful things to have unless you are transgendered then they become the sword that carves you up and leaves you to die or face life living in the prison of the shell that covers the real you from the world. Now some transgendered people can live on the part time regimen and that’s fine and dandy if it fits you to do so. Some transgendered people have little family or little family left alive and that makes it pretty easy to live as they wish whether a part timer or someone who wants to pursue full time. The problem lies with those of us that built a life on the shell by marriage and children before we fully came to grips with who we really are as people. Oh my do the complications fly when caught in that dilemma. Most of the transgendered people face the washing of the hands routine performed by their families upon their disclosure that would have made Pontius Pilot jealous. I now face it squarely head on as I attempt to convey it to my immediate family and face the wrath it will bring.

Maybe I would look upon this task with less trepidation if the success stories were more prevalent than a spotting of the Loch Ness Monster! However, they are few and far between. I was chatting with my new friends Terri and Ashley, a wonderful couple I met a while back and spent time with in Chicago. Ashley just got out of the hospital after suffering an impeded kidney stone and infections. I called her to see how she was doing and we somehow got into discussion of families. Although the loss of her spouse after her decision to transition was expected and even appreciated she still grieves over the painful rejection of Ashley by her only daughter and the daughter’s absolute refusal to have any contact with her since then. Yes- while I wholly agree the decision to transition is a painful one for the family of a transgendered person, the refusal to even see or speak to the transgendered person is an unacceptable price to pay for being honest about who one truly is as a person. Terri’s wife has made her life miserable as well I guess primarily on the principle that amicable is a word which escapes her vocabulary. Another new girl here in West Virginia I have yet to meet told me her only teenage daughter will have nothing to do with her whatsoever and won’t even answer her letters and messages. My friend DeeDee struggles as her wife and daughter cast her aside and refuse to even talk with her or acknowledge her existence. Wow don’t we all feel warm and bubbly inside after hearing these decisions to cast off the transgendered person like smelly fish heads into a garbage disposal by people who, while you were living a lie, thought you were the greatest thing since sliced bread and who supposedly love you for all you have given them. Another sister of mine, although it was in the heat of an argument, actually had her wife utter the words “I wish you had cancer instead of being transgendered”. ....Cancer for crying out loud!!!

My dear sweet Paula called me the other day so sad about her situation. Paula is a good hearted sweet girl- full of so much love who raised two young adult children making great sacrifices in doing so. She came out fully to them a few months ago but since then they have recoiled some and the other day her oldest son hurt her deeply in “suggesting “ that she not come around as Paula- the person she really is. No contact with his wife, grandkids –zip nada. She felt very hurt and rightfully so as she struggled to move forward to transition full time as Paula- something she has put off way too long in her life. Her wife adds to the problem with dripping “words of kindness” such as I wish I could subject you to hypnosis so you would regress to being a ‘normal male” again. Feel the love! And just the other night she said that if Paula could undergo a surgery to remove all feminine traits and feelings from her (although the person that survived would not even be the same person she married) but that the procedure had only a 50 percent survival rate, she would still want Paula to undergo it figuring in her mind it was a “win- win situation” for her (the wife). The warmth overflows at that household for sure! Wishing someone to be dead instead of being transgendered.-wow! People…It is not the end of the world simply because one transitions one’s gender to reflect who they really are as a person.

I sense the same impending wrath as exemplified in the situations above, and throughout our community, in my household and I ponder the loss of my family. Transgendered people who are not fortunate enough to be single and childless are faced many times with a brutal choice of either saving their soul or saving their family. A real shitty choice for sure! The solution is love and understanding but those are qualities which seem to be lacking for the most part in today’s family for sure! I think I know why too…it is far easier to hate and reject than it ever is to love and embrace. Love and embracement requires one to open their heart and let someone in there and keep them there even if they bare their soul and tell you who they really are as a person.

Game Over!

I remember the old days of video games in their infancy when at the end of the game you played so well the machine would utter those famous words……. “Game over”. At that point, regardless of how well and long you played the game you had two choices….either put more quarters in and continue playing a new game of it or get up and move on with your everyday life. For some time now I have played the game of the coy cat and mouse as it involved my true persona and essence of who I am – Melissa with my family and friends and coworkers who mostly know me only as the male shell which covers and hides her from the world. My wife knows some about Melissa and way more than she wants to admit or know but continues to play the dangerous game of sticking her head in the sand and denying what is going on with her husband while we volley under the guise of “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy which inevitably never works because someone always asks and someone always tells. My daughter knows some about Melissa but fears much more is involved and she is right of course. The girl who is bright and open minded recently graduated college and will hopefully gain employment in the near future. She received her degree in psychology and last semester she took a course in gender psychology and studied works from gender authors including “She’s Not There”. She suspects a great deal about her father but for the most part remains silent. My son is about to receive his high school diploma and is about to move on to college. Male teenagers especially those that are athletes like he was don’t want to know anything about their father being feminine and being a woman. I tried to provide a stable “normal” house for them while they grew up in Appalachia and in this town and I did not want them to be burdened by this disclosure about me by their friends. Teenage years are hard enough as it is anyway. My few friends from the shell’s interaction do not know about me except one and of course my work colleagues have not a clue although they may fathom a suspicion or two.

This is all about to change and change soon. I have had enough of the damn game and it is time people who are suppose to love and support me and who consider me a good enough person to be their friend or business associate to know who I really and truly am and how proud I am to be transgendered as well as full disclosure of my intentions, struggles and the fear that has paralyzed me for so long to keep the secret from them. I was afraid they would all reject me and leave me alone and unloved in a world that calls for much love and warmth and interaction with others. I will admit I went to the Be-all Conference this past week and my interaction with my sisters in our community and the great courage that many shared and displayed and my involvement in workshops and discussions led me to great resolve and great strength that the time has come to stop playing the game and come clean with all who need to know and who should know about who I truly am and where I must go in my journey. It is time for me to “come out” as they say and stand proudly as a transgendered person although I know it was result in some rejection, fears, humiliation from others including some who are technically part of my extended family. I will remember the stories I heard from others and the presenters of workshops on the subject when I make these disclosures but most importantly I will stand proudly. I am who I am and I cannot be ashamed of whom I am as person merely because that involves being transgendered. I have been out all over the country and everywhere one could go as a person and many in the public have seen me for who I am at the places I have been- yet my so called “inner circle” either has no clue or operates on the array of suspicion and constantly side stepping routines. No more my friends! It is over …soon I will soar freely without the burden of this shell and let Melissa shine. I know that if all my family and friends end their relationship with me over this full disclose I will be very and deeply sad and hurt but I will get over it and in the end I have many wonderful and great friends in the transgendered community that have my back including my greatest and deepest friend and my love Paula. I will need them more than ever in the next few weeks as I begin this process of complete disclosure. I played the game very well for so many years and danced around questions and issues like skilled tap dancer but the game playing is over and it is time to let Melissa achieve the heights she can soar to obtain free of self imposed chains. The process will take several weeks and I know much pain is to be shed and tears will flow like a river unleashed in the spring runoff. I shall get through this and I will survive it. It will make me stronger …it will make me freer…..it will make me proud…but most importantly it will let me go forward in my journey and let me live the life I was meant to live …….as Melissa. Sometime ago another transgendered person told me that only when I was willing to risk it all could I ever get where I wanted and needed to be. That time has come my friends and over the next few weeks I ask that you keep me in your thoughts as this process begins in my life. Game over…………I have run out of quarters anyway and its time to move on with my life as it needs to be led.

If you Build It.... They will Come (Fall 07)

I am tired from a long week of traveling but mostly I am tired from a wonderful weekend spent at an absolutely gorgeous, scenic property nestled in the hills of West Virginia
where we had just concluded the first ever (and hopefully not the last) Pink Essence of WV and Pink Essence of VA joint picnic and campout (although I will admit sleeping on an air mattress in the comfort of an air conditioned house/ cabin in my pink Pjs is not necessarily roughing it I will admit but clearly is this girl’s preference for sure). Yes- an organized transgendered event in West “By God” Virginia and the world did not come crashing to an end! (Stop the presses people). The event was planned by Debbie as the coordinator of Pink essence of VA and me as the coordinator of Pink essence of WV and we spent lots of time in planning and invested a lot of our own money to make it happen because we care about our sisters!

The event was held on the property owned by Debbie and her delightful wife Sandy (see my previous blog on “The Significant Other”) It was a private secluded place with beautiful, gorgeous scenery, a deck out back of the house and wildlife such as deer, foxes, turkeys and many other animals scattered around the property and a view of the mountains that is to die for along with the fresh morning breeze in the air that softly awakening you each day! We made it secluded so girls could come either dressed (and some did) or dress there (some did). Some brought their spouse and others did not. We simply tried to accommodate everyone and make it safe and fun and comfortable for the guests with consideration that some of them may not be as comfortable as others in public .Food and southern hospitality abound throughout the weekend with cookouts including hamburgers and hotdogs deliciously grilled by yours truly I might add, as well as such wonderful dishes such as potato salads, pasta salad, taco salad, slaw, corn on the cob (Ok I’ll admit it grilling the corn in the husks was not my best decision- LOL) and your choice of delicious pies and cakes for desserts ( or a sample of all three although this practice has been known to add a size in the waistlines ladies ). Breakfasts were served better than those you get at IHOP, Shoney’s or Denny’s with eggs cooked to order, cereal, fruit, various meats, toast and preserves, juices and of course – Coffee. The abundance of food was supplemented with cold delicious beverages such as daiquiris, beer, wine, soda and water as well as tea. The most important ingredient of the weekend was however the laughter and joyous times together with warm, friendly people who came, providing opportunities to meet and even renew friendships with wonderful people- sisters I love so dearly as well as spouses who love and support their transgendered partners! A most wonderful time was had by all who attended.

Although Virginia was missing a few girls due to a couple of scheduling conflicts the state was well represented including a lovely lady by the name of Virginia and her lovely spouse who even runs a support group in the transgendered community! Debbie and I both extended invitations to the Ohio Pink Essence Group (my home away from home) and we even had two girls (Alex and Martina) drive all the way down from Cleveland). Girls came from as far away as Virginia Beach and Richmond and drove 5-6 to six hours to get there. Now despite the attendance of Virginia and Ohio, how many girls form WV came to this private no way you can get in trouble event which was held in the borders of West “By God “Virginia? Exactly two and that includes yours truly who while one of the sponsors and hosts really just came to just show off her new pink summer skirt and summer sandals! Two girls – that’s it….on a summer weekend with nice weather and a month of advertising. I did get lots of excuses most of which could be summed up by the fact the closet was not large enough to stretch to southern WV and if it did, that sunlight might still be hazardous to closet’s interior. I would repeat some of the excuses but it would only invoke shrieks of uncontrollable laughter and I am not here to embarrass any of my sisters! We had girls driving six – seven hours from Cleveland and five and six hours from parts of VA -BUT we can’t get a few WV girls to show up in their home state to meet and have fun with their sisters in about the safest environment possible!

I should be discouraged but I am not going to be and I intend to continue my efforts to break down some barriers here and create events for my sisters in this state. I know these things take time. I know the state is rural, the girls scattered and hiding in fear from a redneck repressive Bible belt region that condemns first and then calls for the burning at the stake and or lynching second! For God’s sake I live here too! It does not have to stay this way and its clearly not going to get any better unless we try and make efforts to simply not accept this climate! It’s never going to get better unless we take risks, work together and keep trying to create events we can be together and help support each other, laugh together and have fun together. I will continue to build this bridge slowly and painstakingly and I will not let frustrations get in the way or cause me to give up of bringing us together as sisters. I only hope that if I, and others who work with me, build it…….they will come!