Game Over!

I remember the old days of video games in their infancy when at the end of the game you played so well the machine would utter those famous words……. “Game over”. At that point, regardless of how well and long you played the game you had two choices….either put more quarters in and continue playing a new game of it or get up and move on with your everyday life. For some time now I have played the game of the coy cat and mouse as it involved my true persona and essence of who I am – Melissa with my family and friends and coworkers who mostly know me only as the male shell which covers and hides her from the world. My wife knows some about Melissa and way more than she wants to admit or know but continues to play the dangerous game of sticking her head in the sand and denying what is going on with her husband while we volley under the guise of “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy which inevitably never works because someone always asks and someone always tells. My daughter knows some about Melissa but fears much more is involved and she is right of course. The girl who is bright and open minded recently graduated college and will hopefully gain employment in the near future. She received her degree in psychology and last semester she took a course in gender psychology and studied works from gender authors including “She’s Not There”. She suspects a great deal about her father but for the most part remains silent. My son is about to receive his high school diploma and is about to move on to college. Male teenagers especially those that are athletes like he was don’t want to know anything about their father being feminine and being a woman. I tried to provide a stable “normal” house for them while they grew up in Appalachia and in this town and I did not want them to be burdened by this disclosure about me by their friends. Teenage years are hard enough as it is anyway. My few friends from the shell’s interaction do not know about me except one and of course my work colleagues have not a clue although they may fathom a suspicion or two.

This is all about to change and change soon. I have had enough of the damn game and it is time people who are suppose to love and support me and who consider me a good enough person to be their friend or business associate to know who I really and truly am and how proud I am to be transgendered as well as full disclosure of my intentions, struggles and the fear that has paralyzed me for so long to keep the secret from them. I was afraid they would all reject me and leave me alone and unloved in a world that calls for much love and warmth and interaction with others. I will admit I went to the Be-all Conference this past week and my interaction with my sisters in our community and the great courage that many shared and displayed and my involvement in workshops and discussions led me to great resolve and great strength that the time has come to stop playing the game and come clean with all who need to know and who should know about who I truly am and where I must go in my journey. It is time for me to “come out” as they say and stand proudly as a transgendered person although I know it was result in some rejection, fears, humiliation from others including some who are technically part of my extended family. I will remember the stories I heard from others and the presenters of workshops on the subject when I make these disclosures but most importantly I will stand proudly. I am who I am and I cannot be ashamed of whom I am as person merely because that involves being transgendered. I have been out all over the country and everywhere one could go as a person and many in the public have seen me for who I am at the places I have been- yet my so called “inner circle” either has no clue or operates on the array of suspicion and constantly side stepping routines. No more my friends! It is over …soon I will soar freely without the burden of this shell and let Melissa shine. I know that if all my family and friends end their relationship with me over this full disclose I will be very and deeply sad and hurt but I will get over it and in the end I have many wonderful and great friends in the transgendered community that have my back including my greatest and deepest friend and my love Paula. I will need them more than ever in the next few weeks as I begin this process of complete disclosure. I played the game very well for so many years and danced around questions and issues like skilled tap dancer but the game playing is over and it is time to let Melissa achieve the heights she can soar to obtain free of self imposed chains. The process will take several weeks and I know much pain is to be shed and tears will flow like a river unleashed in the spring runoff. I shall get through this and I will survive it. It will make me stronger …it will make me freer…..it will make me proud…but most importantly it will let me go forward in my journey and let me live the life I was meant to live …….as Melissa. Sometime ago another transgendered person told me that only when I was willing to risk it all could I ever get where I wanted and needed to be. That time has come my friends and over the next few weeks I ask that you keep me in your thoughts as this process begins in my life. Game over…………I have run out of quarters anyway and its time to move on with my life as it needs to be led.

The Windy City

The windy city with my girl Paula amongst a sea of my sisters – that is the setting which awaits me starting this week as hundreds of transgendered people invade Chicago for the 26th annual Be-all Conference. I am anxious to get there of course but there are many reasons as to why this is so. First of all, Chicago is very cool city with much to see and do and being a girl who is active and out extensively, I do not sit in the hotel when I go on these trips but I always immerse myself in the city, site seeing, museums, shopping, dining, clubbing, and any other thing I can find which interests me! Are the Cubs in town?

Secondly, I feel at home among the plethora of sisters which come to this event and others I have attended. For some of these girls, events like the Be-all, Erie Gala or even SCC provides them with their only opportunity to get out as themselves, for others they provide them with opportunities to get out a bit further and do things as themselves besides running to alternative clubs under the cloak of darkness. Paula and I are of course well past all that but these events do always make me feel I have found home sort of like Rudolph did on the Island of Misfit Toys. While I have been out all over this country and done much as I am express Melissa including work, site seeing, shopping, traveling, theatre and movies and all sorts of things, and I am quite comfortable in the public, no matter how much the public may accept me or tolerate me or even embrace me, they do not understand me like my sisters do. If 500 people come to the Be-all, then I know when I walk in the hotel at least 450 people there understand me and who we are because they are like me. They are my sisters and we have a common bond that most others in society cannot understand. I embrace that bond and I feel the welcome, warmth and understanding that stems from our sisters in the Tg community and I extend that warmth myself. I am part of that circle and I always will be even if I fully immerse myself into fulltime public living as Melissa. A sister will always get a hug from me and, as I said, I like to walk into a place where I know most of the people are like me and understand me although we are all unique people from all walks of life and on various points of the transgender spectrum.

The third reason I like going to the events like the Be-all is I get to see many girlfriends who I only get to see in person once or twice a year because they are from other parts of our vast and diverse country. It is always good to see these people, hug them and catch up on what’s going on in their lives and update them on what is going on in mine and we can all share a few laughs, a cool and tasty beverage and have some fun together. What could be better I ask you? The Be-all also gives me the opportunity to attend a few specifically targeted workshops or seminars I am interested in including one I truly love on creative writing where I have the opportunity to share my thoughts and writings with my sisters. Last year, I also attended sessions on hormones and electrolysis – both of which I am involved with since the New Year began. I plan to attend this year some personal growth sessions as well as a preliminary look at the surgeries that may be involved in my transition in the future. Growth comes from listening and sharing with others.

The fourth reason I like events like the Be-all, SCC and the Erie Gala is that I always meet new sisters and get to know them and chat and exchange thoughts and ideas together. I like meeting new people and getting acquainted with them and I so enjoy meeting new sisters. I met so many new sisters last year at these events and many I have grown close to and shared much with over the past year and I am thankful I had the opportunity to do so. I look forward to meeting many more next week and hopefully making some new friends as well. Let’s face it; can we ever really have enough friends?

The final reason I am looking forward to this year’s Be-all is my love Paula is coming to the event with me this year and we plan to meet and share a ride part of the way into Chicago. It will be the longest period of time her and I have spent together since we commenced our relationship. I have so enjoyed the times we have spent together but they have only been a day here or there or at most a weekend or two but a full week together will be a good barometer for us in our relationship and may give us a bit of the taste of what it would be like if we lived together someday. Hopefully she won’t get sick and tired of me but knowing her, I seriously doubt it. I expect we will both enjoy the experience and have so much fun sharing and meeting others and doing things together in the windy city! Like I said at the start, the windy city with a mass of my sisters in one gathering and making new friends and enjoying time together with Paula all make me feel very good about the week to come. Deep dish Chicago style pizza and chop houses here we come and lets hope the wind is not too strong as we wheel around the city as it can do a lot to mess up a girl’s hair you know ………….

****Addendum: Since I wrote this draft of the blog my love Paula got some news which affected her ability to come to this event. She said she would not go back to work the week of Be-all except for only her old company and they called her back on Friday to start the Tuesday after the holiday weekend so her plans to come and be with me and all are sisters ended. I am disappointed but also am sad because she will miss out on these wonderful things and I know she was looking so forward to coming but work and finances still are important in our society and the reality is many of our plans are disrupted from time to time. We must deal with them and go on. It is just a fact of life which with the death of one of community members recently -Mishy only proves my point that life is not always fair but it is always way too short!