True Friends -Part Deux

A few weeks ago I discussed my coming out to two female colleagues and the wonderful and exceedingly pleasant response I received from them when I did so. The industry in which I work is mostly female and the wonderful people in it hospitable professionals but Cathy and Mary were also my friends and it was nice that they also accepted me and wanted to remain friends as well. I additionally received exceedingly great news from my professional chapter on which I serve as a member of the Board of Directors which last week revised the website and directory to reflect my new life as Melissa including pictures on the website and the slideshow presentations to the chapter. I have received many letters of support from the other board members and all have begun addressing me in correspondence and phone calls as Melissa. I also received positive supportive letters from two companies/agencies I do work with which have already completed the process or in the process of updating their records for me to continue working for them as Melissa! While I surely welcome receiving this news my weekend finished with a grand ending with a luncheon with two of my old college buddies I have spent thirty years with these men in friendship.

David is my friend who has known about Melissa for a few years since he is also part of the LGBT community as a gay man. David came out to me a few years ago although I always suspected he was gay even back in college but when he told me about his sexuality several years back I felt he deserved to know my secret as well. Apparently this was not welcomed by some of my friends and acquaintances who have since learned about Melissa recently as they felt he should told others (them) and violated my confidence. David has received some grief about this most unfairly I might add. The bizarre nature in which some people think amazes me and I greatly appreciate the fact David held my secret in confidence until I was prepared to disclose it to the world. That to me is a good friend indeed. Stu is one of my closest male friends in my life and we met my first week of college and became friends instantly. We have vacationed together, gone to sporting events together and attended many parties and events together. Stu was best man at my wedding over 24 years ago.

I decided to meet both of them for lunch on Sunday after the attending the OPL function in Cincinnati Saturday night with Paula. Paula came with me to the luncheon which turned into a very pleasant two hour discussion of everything about my new life as Melissa to our college days in the fraternity which I doubt would now extend me an invitation to join as they did thirty years ago. We laughed about old times and talked of the future times and both David and Stu have come to grips with my new life as Melissa and want to continue our friendship of thirty years into the future although I am sure it will be different as they now associate with a woman friend. Paula enjoyed talking with them as well and afterward as we drove back to the house in Columbus she commented on how much she enjoyed meeting my old friends and thought they were wonderful people. I have had two lengthy conversations with Stu and David on the phone where we discussed more about me and being transgendered and the changes to come but this in person meeting over a delightful lunch was special as we talked about our past and our future as friends. I hope other friends will follow their led and want to meet and associate with me in the future in such manner but even if they don’t I have two wonderful friends in Stu and David who clearly demonstrate what true friendship is about in life. All I can tell anyone about coming out to friends and family in transition is this – be open to fact that in some cases the relationship will end or take a lengthy absence and in some cases people will accept you as who you really are and move forward in life with you in a new but albeit different relationship built on the past and the future.

A New Beginning

After some weeks of blogs that focused more on the negative than the positive although there were great periods of pain and some good news sprinkled about over last couple months, I chose this week to discuss my great joy in beginning my new life living fulltime as Melissa. I spent last week in intense physical workouts as a result of the moving of furniture and packing of boxes and loading of my u-haul truck which contained parts of my life over the last forty something years. I am still sore even today from all that lifting and carrying which was even more difficult due to my weaker upper body strength as my body continues to take the shape of the woman I have always been but hid so well for so long! On Friday morning, my wife left for work as usual and we decided to say our goodbyes then. I have known her for 28 years and we ended it in a goodbye that lasted a few tender moments. We held each other and cried and she said she hope it all works out for me in the future and I told her I wish her peace and happiness and that we needed to stay in touch and she said she would try to do so. With that parting I finished throwing the last of my stuff on the truck and cleaned up and presented my self as Melissa and drove off for my new home south of Columbus Ohio. My only regret was that had to become a “damn Yankee” in order to live life as Melissa although I will always be a southern girl by heart. Earlier that week I had gone to my doctor for the last time and she thought I looked great and so happy and she hugged me and wished me well in my life. Later that day I saw my minister (Episcopal priest) and he took me to lunch as Melissa and we discussed my life, the nature of transgendered people and I asked him to look after my wife left behind. He promised to do so and to stay in touch and wanted to read some of my writings and I sent him some later and he replied wishing me well and much peace in my journey.

I rolled into my new home on Friday afternoon to begin living life with Jenny and Paula and the three of us unloaded my truck and began to assemble my life in my new crib! I had a lot of fun although Jenny felt a little crammed as she had spread out into so many rooms and now had to share space and closets and bathroom cabinets with other girls. However, she had lived alone for nearly a year and I think she likes her new roomies and the company of others and we had a great Friday night together watching our new TV (the one that use to be in the entertainment center of my old homestead) and eating delicious pizza we ordered from a local pizza joint whose number is now stored in my cell phone. On Saturday morning we learned how to juggle three girls in and out of a showers and makeup mirrors. We worked on more moving and un-boxing of items and the integration of three lives into one home of great character. Jenny’s home is beautiful old home built in 1911- at a time when things were built to last and built big and with much style and flair and attention to details. I finally had a bedroom I always wanted once the strong bodied men finished carrying in the bed and assembling it. I have a closet full of my clothes- the ones I will now wear everyday and should have been wearing all my life. The bed is done in pinks and whites and lavender colors and accented by candles and pictures and a soft flowing feminine appeal. It is the room I dreamed of having all my life and I stood and looked at it all in the doorway with amazement and much happiness. I was saddened a bit by having to leave behind my kitties I love so much but Jenny remedied that with the presence of her wonderful little kitties that are so friendly and affectionate I love them already. For good measure she added in a gorgeous African Grey parrot whose best trick is her replication of the phone ringing! Jenny is leaving for a few weeks of work in NM and Paula must finish up her work before her retirement from a job that is tearing her down so much. That will leave more time for me to get everything organized in the new house and to take care of the little loving creatures which we share our space with in this new abode.

My life is definitely different than it was when the year began. Hormones, electrolysis, divorce and relocation to a new home all were dramatic enough but now I get to live life everyday being who I really am – Melissa. I wake up as Melissa, I spend the day as Melissa and I interact with others as Melissa. No more hiding the real me behind an ugly shell! Freedom has its price for sure- emotionally, physically and financially and the road ahead is not all a bed of roses by any stretch of the imagination! However, that is something I am prepared for and I await and embrace the new challenges with renewed energy and a sense I am now living the life I should have always been leading. It is too bad it took so long to figure all this out but I now know I am living it the way it should be lived everyday of the reminder of my life. The shell lies in pieces at my feet and more like in a shattered pile of rubble a few feet behind me. My life is at new beginning and I am open to all the possibilities it now presents and I look forward to getting up each day and looking in the mirror and the reflection which comes back is the real me- the one that was always there but hidden away too well. I love my new beginning and I am renewed to move forward in my life and all that it offers me. I am open to so many possibilities and I am a happy I am now presenting myself honestly for who I am and always have been- Melissa! Because of this and despite the bumps and bruises it has caused many including me, I am joyful and happy and ready to face the challenges of life, most of which have nothing to do with being transgendered. It is living life the way it was meant to be lived- it is a new beginning!

The Wife Was Right

The wife was right……although not on everything. My wife, through the assistance of my young, tech savvy college educated daughter, found my blog last week and did not like what she read. She was hurt and in tears and apparently my sister in law and brother in law (the one I labeled homophobic) were also snooping around reading it and perusing the pics as well. My daughter was upset as well about my comments on some of them about members of my wife’s family. Last week’s blog had sharp pain in it and it was written on a day I cried for two hours after I get alleged of being Attila the Hun and son drives off to be seen maybe someday down the road. I was hurt and it showed. I revised it after I had time to calm down but not before the wife had written to me a comment. I could tell she was under the same hurt when she wrote hers. I think both cried a lot last weekend. Now I did disagree with some things she raised about my “lifestyle” and the fact she contended my letter to her mother was “flippant” as it was similar to one I wrote other members of the family. She felt I needed to talk with her mother in person. But I know I would not have made it through that one. I love her mother and as I mentioned I got along better with her than I did my own mother and my mother-in-law loved me like a “son”.

However, I am a better writer than an orator and if I had tried to explain details to people in person from the beginning I probably would have failed I tried to put great detail in my letters- far more than I could ever explain in initial conversation. I always ended each letter by telling them they could feel free to contact me and I would try to explain more and talk with them but at least they would have the knowledge set forth in the letter before we started. No one called me although I did call a couple relatives and friends myself. No one really knows what to say so they don’t. The other part of wife’s reply which was cruel was her addressing me as “him” and “he” throughout after writing the letter to Melissa. But I hope that was due to her well founded anger and hurt and maybe some old habits.

The rest of the reply to me was basically true. I was not always the best person in my old life living under the shell. Although I know why, that does not justify any of my actions. I never physically assaulted anyone but I was filled with anger and frustration many of times and unfortunately my family got some of that venting and that was wrong. My anger stemmed from three sources I believe. First was my family heritage. My father was known to blow his cork now and then and my mother could fire pitch forks with the best of them and dealt with anger issues. My family heritage was that of the feisty German and Scotch – a mix that is considered lethal in some places. My brother dealt with many of these same issues himself. I remember once he lost a tennis match and went into such a rage he broke his racket into tiny pieces and screamed and cursed. He warned me about the fiery mix but I did not head the warning well. The next problem for me was my work. I hated it. I have no idea what drove me to go into a high demanding pressured- filled job with a lot of stress but that is something no one with my family heritage ought to get into and all that playing hardball did was make me feel like crap and feed my anger even more. Now I had two strikes against me through my lineage and my work stressors and then we throw in this little “transgender problem” and all that guilt, repression, denial, secrecy, frustration and pretending in my shell and I have now added a third strike from which most people would have exploded into violent rage considering all these factors. But I never reached that point. Sure there was anger in my voice and some yelling and tossing a few items, although not at anyone, but I am surprised I did not explode into pieces. As I said, my wife was right – she and sometimes the kids caught the blunt of this anger and frustration and I was wrong to do that and I can only ask that they forgive me and understand someday.

Those stressors have been reduced. I cannot ever change my family history but like my brother did before me, I will have to work hard to address that family background and work to keep calmer like he did so much more in his years after college and marriage. Secondly, I changed jobs and now do something I truly love and should have gone into when I was young like I originally wanted to before someone or something pulled me into another path. I cannot undue the years but I can enjoy my remaining ones by doing something I love and something which gives me great joy and satisfaction. I did a good deal of community work and volunteering like my father did all through my life and I need to continue that as well. It is good to help others and if everyone actually did some things to help others in life no one really would have to do a lot. Finally, I ripped through my shell and left it in pieces. I am out to so many people now and everyday I feel better and better about myself because of all these disclosures. The hormones have reshaped me emotionally as the testosterone is slowly contained and estrogen pumps its way into my body. This action has allowed me to fully tap into my feminine feelings and emotions that were always there but tucked away for many years only to occur mostly in private moments. Instead of much anger, I now feel sadness and I cry. Freedom did come with a price such as the loss of many in extended family and most importantly my immediate family and wife. My wife is a gentle, caring, loving, compassionate person with a warm heart and she did not deserve what she dealt with over the years although there were many good points as well in my own defense. It’s too bad she never really got to know the real me very often. The full emergence of Melissa- my true soul and identity and my career change into one I so enjoy all came in recent years after we have drifted too far apart. I wish her much peace and happiness in her new life…. I truly do. I hope she wishes it for me as well.

As for me, I much work to do on my new life. Hormones and surgeries do not change your core person or change whether you will be a better person. All too often those of us who are TS think that simply changing one’s body to fit one’s inner essence of gender and identity is the answer to all our problems. Believe me it does help when you no longer struggle with presenting your true identity and gender- but regardless of what gender organs you have you still have to be a good person. You have to strive to care about others, work well with those around you in your job, your families and people in general. You still have to learn and practice patience and kindness and living a calmer, more peaceful life as short as it is in this world. Although my continued transition will occupy my agenda for the near future and I will remain focused on the same, I must remember that although I now live my life fulltime as Melissa. I must still strive to make Melissa a better person -full of love and kindness and passion and tenderness and caring and live my life far better out of the shell than I ever did in it. My wife was mostly right- she usually is …she is an intelligent person and in her are many of the qualities I desire to live by as I live my life as who I really am. When that occurs peace will be found and life more enjoyable not only for myself but all who interact and know Melissa!


And now for a bit of work update. I came out to my Board of Directors and they were all supportive and are very happy I will stay on as Melissa. They will change all the printed materials, magazine, slideshow and website to reflect my new name and new picture. They look forward to seeing me at the next Board and Chapter meeting in September as Melissa. It will be my first venture out professionally as Melissa. My groups I do work for on contract basis are fine with it as well and love my work and will assign work to Melissa just like they did as Russell. There is still a long road to go but the seeds are there and I am anxious to roll up my blouse sleeves and get to work on these career developments. Doing work I enjoy doing as who I truly am …that is definitely a good thing for sure!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Wow… …..what a week of highs and lows as my coming out and coming clean party continues in wild and wonderful West Virginia and beyond. It has been a week, twists and turns, surprises and joy and also one of frustration, sadness and many tears. Through it all I have had the support and friendship of some of my family and few old friends but it has been the warmth and support and love of my sisters which has pulled me through and pushed me forward to face yet another week. My friend Chloe Prince said it best …… “Welcome to the club honey and you will have to walk through the ring of fire but there will be many waiting on the other side when you do so” These last few weeks I have felt the flames and although I have been burned a few times I know I have much more to walk through to emerge on the other side but as long as my friends help guide me and support me from time to time I know I can make it through and come out on the other side even if I end up a bit “toasty”.
One of Clint Eastwood’s most famous films from his days as the rough riding western hero was entitled The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. That title clearly depicts the week I have experienced as this process has evolved. Let us start with the ‘ugly” first. It’s so ironic that my earlier life as a lawyer has come back to haunt me in a way as my survival as Melissa with enough assets and money to live on is not in the hands of the piranhas who are the respective lawyers of my soon to be ex wife and myself. The other day I received the summons and Petition for Divorce from the law office and found out that West Virginia has a most peculiar practice of having the petitioning party making all sorts of allegations against the respondent in case the respondent does not stipulate to the fact the parties have “irreconcilable differences” which by the way I would have most gladly stipulated to in a heartbeat. My lawyer says not to worry that language is common in every complaint filed for divorce in this state like it makes it all right somehow that I now have a public document on file in this messed up state which asserts that I have engaged in “cruel and inhumane treatment of my wife”. Cruel and inhumane sounds like things you allege against those involved in caging and hurting animals, the torturing of prisoners in prisons and the kind of crap you allege against people like dictators of countries not against a person who took their wife just four years ago to Alaska for our anniversary cruise. These are the charges that are asserted against someone who took care of her when she was sick with a crippling toothache, who helped her to go back to school and get her new degrees so she could change careers to something she enjoyed, who brought her two beautiful children and flowers and gifts and cards and wonderful vacations and I seem to also recall some wonderful nights of intimacy. However, I am now asserted to be in the same boat as every common dictator and prison guard of third world countries and slave owners and every other person who has engaged in acts of severe cruelty and in humane treatment towards their fellow human beings. In short, this document asserts I am less than a human being. I don't claim to have been the perfect husband by any stretch of the imagination and I am not even contending that and I have made many mistakes and had bouts of anger and frustration which sometimes my family got the brunt of most unfortunately and I made my share of mistakes in 24 years but I told her how these allegations hurt me deeply and I cried for most of the afternoon. I asked her for one example of where I had been engaged in such a level of conduct to be cruel and inhumane treatment and she could just muddle something about that being standard language of complaints here and she was “sorry”. Like that means anything. I went out a hired me a piranha to tangle with her piranha so we can piss more money down the toilet. The only thing that is good is that my piranha apparently can eat her piranha for lunch. My friends there has to be a better way to handle the dissolution of a marriage over something like me coming out as who I really am as a person and living life as I was meant to live it than assertions of cruelty and inhumane treatment and the hiring of piranhas. No wonder I got out of this profession…….
Now for the bad ………..the causality reports from my public disclosures continue to pour in but fortunately they are mostly from a few friends who I guess were not really my friends and I have made so many more than I lost in my many years in this wonderful community. The remainder of the bunch were my soon to be ex in-laws which I really could care less about since they were only associated with me through my soon to be ending marriage to their sister or one of her siblings’ spouses. My wife’s mother was a dear lady who loved me and was actually easier to get along with than my own mother and I may very well have been her favorite son in law. All of that ended very quickly and she has been hurt and angry over my dislcosures. My wife feels I should have told her in person and she is right and its just that I am better at writing things down than expressing emotional things in person. It is something I will need to work on in my life very much. I was told my brother in law is really struggling with it…of course he is …he did the same thing with our common friend David when he came out gay because my brother in-law is a homophobe and I know I will miss my time the another brother in law who is a bearded, beer drinking, car racing and brew brewing redneck with a strange resemblance to Charles Mansion. The guy gives me the creeps. Maybe a few of these people will on her side of family will come around and someday I hope they will give Melissa a chance but if they don’t so be it- they are my ex in-laws! The real damage this week was my son who has not spoken to me in several weeks and who left for college this week without even saying goodbye to me despite the pleading of his mother and sister to do so. I will admit I cried hard as I looked out the window and saw him drive away wondering if that will be the last time I ever see him. I dropped to the floor and cried until I had no more tears left. That one hurt and it hurt deeply and it came on the same day my wife alleges I am the next Attila the Hun. Pretty shitty day if I must say and one I will remember for quite a while. I can only hope my son’s experiences at college will open his eyes and mind to the world and that he will grow to see it is not all black and white and Americana of the family of four with Mom, Dad and two kids living in rural West Virginia. It is all I have to hope for and that in time he will want to see and reconnect with me but if he does not I guess I will carry that pain and that memory of that very bad day with me for many years to come…in fact I doubt I will ever forget it!
And now because I think this blog should end on a high note…..here is the good! I did receive a phone call form my sister in law on my side-my deceased brother’s wife who offered her love and support and kindness to me and told me I would be welcome at her home any time and that I am most welcome to come and be part of the holidays with them. Then I got letters from my nephew and niece…....my brother’s children and wonderful loving caring young people they are. My nephew is 32 and my niece is 28 and they warmed my heart with their letters:
Aunt Melissa, Let me first say that I'm really glad you felt comfortable sharing this news with my mother, Denise and I (I got the letter you sent to Jeannie this evening). I cannot even begin to imagine everything you have been going through for however long you've been keeping this inside. I do know how difficult the past few years have been for external reasons with the passing of both your parents and your brother. It was no small feat taking care of many logistics, paperwork, etc...during the passing of all these family members, and we certainly appreciated your effort and support during these tough times. In any case, let me say that I am here now to support you in this life change in whatever capacity I can (I can speak for Denise and my mother as well, but I know they will be in further contact with you too). I do like to consider myself as open and accepting as I hope anyone can possibly be. I am a bleeding-heart liberal after all ;-). I do not have any experience in this type of situation and I will apologize in advance for anything I say or do that is not correct or deemed inappropriate. I do have several good friends who are openly gay which gives me a little perspective on some of the struggles associated with sexual identity, and I can only imagine some of the unique "challenges" (not sure if that's appropriate either) of a transgender. I guess the most important thing is that you should feel comfortable contacting me whenever via email, phone, etc... to talk about anything at all. The same should be said to Karen, Rachael and Ian if they ever want to talk to me as well. I know I am not the best at keeping in touch with other members of the family, and I should do better at that myself. I am very happy to hear about your existing support network, and I hope that between those you interact with now and family members such as myself, that we can be there in case you ever need anything. I do not like to hear about suicide statistics associated with transgender persons, and I care for your well being above all else. One final note, I should point out that you're certainly more than welcome to come visit Anneliese and I here in Colorado if you ever decide you want to come out this way. Take care and hopefully we can talk again soon (perhaps a phone call is in order), Curtis
My letter from my niece was equally as supportive and loving and addressed me in the same manner. It was full of love and kindness and words of support for all. My brother raised some wonderful children and I have been told by all three people he would have accepted and embraced me as Melissa and supported me throughout my transition and life. I miss him now more than ever!
Finally my week ended with one of those curveballs you get during the coming out period. I know I was told to expect some surprises and they go both ways – some people you think will be ok with it reject you outright and some you thought would actually embrace you and want to remain friends. My friend Stu is such a person. To be quite honest I suspected he would not be so comfortable with this and would likely fade away. He is a conservative Republican type and I kind of figured he may not be so cool with all this. I was wrong and badly wrong as his letter to me warmed my heart on the same day my son left and my wife alleges I am the kin of Marque de Sade. Here was the letter I received
Dear Melissa,
I have read your letter several times and by far you have redefined the meaning of a mid-life crisis! Am I shocked? No! Am I surprised? Well, Yes! Of course a million questions are going through my mind, many are just questions of curiosity since you are the only close FRIEND that I know of, that is a transgender person. I guess our friendship goes back to the fall of 1978 when you pledged the Pikes. Over the years, we have seen many fraternity parties, WVU football games, Christmas and New Year’s Eve parties, and vacations together. Frankly, I do not see that changing. We have been friends for 30 years and I hope we are friends for the next 30 years. (I will be 81 or have daisies growing above me).
I realize that you will be going through a great deal of transformation in the upcoming months. If there is anything I can help you with, please call me. And of course if you are in town, please call me so we can get together! You are always welcome to stay at my place.
My thoughts go out to you, Karen, Rachael, and Ian in these difficult times. I assume Ian will be attending WVU this fall, while Rachael is looking for gainful employment, and of course I assume Karen will remain in Huntington and continue teaching.
Keep in touch as events transpire and that you feel comfortable disclosing to me.
Stu
We have already made plans to get together for lunch in September. I guess one has to learn to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly in life but I always hope for more good than bad and ugly but my journey through the rings of fire will continue and I will count on my many friends and family in this community as well as those of my past life to pull me through without too much burn damage! Thank you all for your loving kindness and support! I also ask that you support and pray and think of my family in this most difficult time and that we all can find peace someday in our lives. Hugs, Melissa