Pater........in loco parentis

It’s been a while since I discussed the matter of my children. Let me first say that I love my children dearly and I always have from the day they came into this world. Rachael is a bright and beautiful young woman with many talents and a college education although a bit of focus of direction on her part would help her immensely. She is a writer like her father and the limits of what she can do and create are truly unlimited and I hope that someday she finds that calling of hers. My son Ian is also a bright young man who is attending college and performing well in his first year and he was a very talented baseball player as a left- handed pitcher who I enjoyed watching play the game so well for so many wonderful years. I tried to support my kids in their activities. I have helped them both with their college education and bought each of them a car. Maybe I did destroy their image of dad with my coming out and transitioning to live my life in my true essence but does that correspondingly mean that the relationship of “parent” is also likewise at an end?
I miss my children a great deal. I cannot think of them during the week or look at their pictures on my desk without crying. Things are happening with them each day of their Generation Y lives and I am left out of it. Many times transgendered people are told “we abandoned our family members” when, in fact, due to their lack of comfort on their part with our transition and living life as who we really are and it is our families who have abandoned us, shut off communication and cut us out of their lives. Believe me- I would come in a heartbeat if I was invited to a dinner or even to grab a cup of coffee with them. If they called or even texted me and said they wanted me to come to an event I would do so without question. I love them and I always will –even if that invitation never comes and we are not actively part of each other’s lives in the near or distant future.
However, this discussion brings up another interesting point. Why is just because I am not the “dad” they knew that it is written in stone that I cannot be their loving parent. I will always be their father even if I don’t necessarily look like their father. Why cannot I just be a parent of them? Why do we have to celebrate father’s day or mother’s day and why can’t we just have parents’ appreciation day? Society is still stuck in a binary system, as it is with all gender issues, where every child is suppose to have one male parent- “the father” and one female parent –“the mother”. We know however that many children are raised by one parent and in some more progressive minded states and locales a gay or lesbian couple is more accepted to raise children so that the child has two dads or two moms. One of the partners is not even the child’s biological parent although I truly believe parenting is defined by love and Not by genetics. Why then is so difficult for many children to accept their parent if he or she transitions to live life in their true spiritual gender? Does that transition change the way they feel about him or her? Is transition a barrier to love and understanding? I know very well I could continue a loving relationship with my children if they gave me a chance.
Again, although technically I am their father, they can just treat me as a parent without all the gender labels and realize that we can still be a part of each other’s lives. We can still share, still feel, still love and understand and support just the same if only they will let go of the stereotypes and the artificially created gender defined roles that society has placed upon paterfamilias ( Latin for father of family or male head of household ). The parent (me) can stand in place of the person they once knew as their Dad and do pretty much the same things I did for them before and love them all the same. It’s like the old Latin doctrine ….in locos parentis ….”in place of the parent” or in this case- in place of the old dad who lived in the repressive shell. What I could really use on their part is if they would lose the paternophobia (“fear of the father”). I will keep my arms fully extended and my lines of communication open for them and hope someday they find the courage to call, write, e-mail or text me a message and maybe begin the process of opening their heart to their parent who loves and cares for them dearly and whose heart aches from their continued abstinence from my life as Melissa- their parent!

Newhart, Dreams and Life with Paula

Are any of you fans of the Bob Newhart shows on television? Both his old where he was working as a psychologist in Chicago and his newer one where he was an innkeeper in Vermont are seen many nights on Nick at Night and will likely live on in syndication for some time. If any of you remember on this last episode of the newer series in Vermont, Bob rolls over in bed and finds his old wife Suzanne Pleshette from the old show next to him and apparently he dreamed the entire seven seasons of the new show and it never really happened. Of course, the episode was absolutely hilarious and was a spoof on the series “Dallas” in which the entire season without Bobby was suppose to have been a dream and never really happened to explain his absence from the show.
Sometimes I feel like those episodes of the old TV shows. I sometimes wonder if I wake up one morning and find myself in my old body and deeply imbedded in my old shell and lying next to my ex-wife in my old bed in my old house we shared for so many years and all that has happened since I left has been a dream. My wonderful life with Paula and my transition, surgeries and hormone changes and all that has happened to me since I left to live life as who I truly am- Melissa was all a wonderful dream and I am still living the lie. Don’t get me wrong and with no insult to my ex-wife who was and remains a sweet loving and intelligent woman who I dearly hope finds some equally special person to fill her life with happiness, but if all that has happened has been a dream, the taste of what my life as Melissa would be like through the dream would only serve to compel me to move forward and end up transitioning and living life as I was meant to live it- as Melissa! Hopefully, the new life would also involve Paula who I enjoy waking up next to each day as we talk or cuddle or hold hands and listen to the sounds of the world awaking outside or the bird singing in the room next door. She is such an important part of my life and my journey and I truly realize how much I am a very big part of hers too.
The question came up the other day between us about where we would be in our lives without each other- if we had never met in May of 2007 on that night in Toledo when we talked for two hours. As you know from my earlier blogs, Paula fell in love with me that night. She carried the torch silently and never let on about it as we became great friends. A year later when I realized that I had fallen in love with her we began our relationship as soul mates, best friends and partners in life and love. Next week we plan to celebrate our one year anniversary together. However, I agree with her in that it was fate that brought us together that night and through our meeting and friendship and evolution into a deep caring love we found each other as soul mates. Paula thinks neither of us would be where we are today in our transitions if it was not for our meeting that warm spring night two years ago and she is probably right. We both might still be living in our old lives pretending to be someone we were not or maybe we would be early on in transition but struggling alone as many in our community do. I feel so fortunate to have met her, to have become friends with her and to found Melissa’s soul mate and partner in life and to have my love around each day and night with me as we move forward together.
We support each other as we have struggled or continue to struggle with divorces and loss of contact with those we love deeply as well as through our transitions involving so many new emotions, feelings and difficult trials including our surgeries. Somehow I know we will both make it being together supporting each other and helping bring the true essence of ourselves to life and continue to grow as Paula and Melissa. I know that our love will grow even deeper as we enrich each other’s spirit and lift each other’s soul-even in our darkest hours. Together we will grow as both ourselves and as soul mates in life and love. I shudder to think where I would be in my journey without her and I know she feels likewise. That is why I know I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night or early morning hours just to make sure she is still there and make sure I have not been dreaming this life. No Bob Newhart or Dallas episodes for me please!

The Empires Against the LGBT Struggle

Now I know I have written in the past about religion and religious issues and their enormous impact on transgendered rights and issues but I honestly feel I skirted around the where the real meat of this important issue lies. Furthermore, it is not my intention to attack individual members of the religions I am about to discuss here and there are many good, open- minded and accepting members of these groups on an individual basis! However, if anyone tasks offense to this blog I do apologize for the fact upfront and it clearly NOT an attack on individual members. My discussion of what may be one of the most significant stumbling blocks in the drive of my sisters and brothers of our transgendered community for the rights and dignity that all humans deserve is solely focused on the organizational entities themselves and not specifically on the individual members beyond their leadership. And with that preface …..I begin…..
The single most significant factor in the struggle for our rights as transgendered people in the enactment of The Hate Crimes Bill, ENDA and legislation ending discrimination in health care programs and coverage benefits of our community is the enormous opposition to these important pieces of legislation for the LGBT community. This opposition is, has been and will be launched by organized religion and in particular the “big three bullies” as I refer to them …… the Mormons , the Southern Baptists and the biggest offender of them of all- the Roman Catholic Empire!
The Mormons have shown their propensity to throw large sums of money to support Prop 8 in California and similar legislation elsewhere. Yes, according to the church that not only bans alcohol but coffee, tea and soft drinks containing caffeine and who brought us their cult like philosophy of polygamy where it is ok for MEN to have to have many wives, we simply cannot have two people of the same gender who care about each other marrying each other for God’s sake! How awful is this …people who love each other cannot marry each other because it is two men or two woman or even a transgendered person but Mormons thought it was OK for MEN to marry multitudes of women …what a bunch of horse shit hypocrisy!
Southern Baptists are the leftover decedents of the Puritans I wrote about a few years ago in a blog entitled The Pursuit of Happiness and the Puritans. The Puritans were so repressive and rigid in their control and thinking of their members especially when it came to pleasure and in particular and again..God forbid sexual pleasure! The Southern Baptists are the group that reminds me of Adam Ant’s 1980’s big hit Goody Two Shoes (don’t drink don’t smoke what do you do? ). The fire and brimstone bible thumpers forbid drinking, gambling, dancing, premarital sex, and just about any form of fun beyond getting screamed at by some angry and fiery preacher condemning those who do slip into fun and even more so condemning those of us in the LGBT community as sinners who are condemned to an afterlife of hell and God’s wrath! These Southern Baptists are the same bunch who hold woman to subservient positions (hmmm seems to be a theme going here similar to that of the Mormons) and have had their Convention enact resolutions that announce that woman are subservient to their men who happen to be their owners..errr..excuse me …husbands. These same people will however be loaded for bear as they say to oppose every piece of legislation put forth by the LGBT community including the Hate Crimes Bill because what is a good old fashioned revival without some bashing ( errrrr.. “preaching”) of the so called abominations of the LGBT community. Look for the scare tactics to be thrown at us by this group when it comes time for discussion of the important pieces of legislation such as ENDA. (I can almost hear the southern drawl now ….. “Enactment of this bill will let them deviant sinners into our schools to molest our children in the bathrooms”)
Despite how bad these other two groups are as forces to be dealt with on our struggle for dignity and rights they lack the money, size, power, influence and history of the Great Roman Catholic Empire!!! This organization has been around quite a while and claims to be the direct lineal leader of Christianity as established by Jesus Christ himself. They have amassed a fortune in resources and Rome has done everything in its power to conceal secrets of the early days of “the church” allegedly created by the founder of Christianity. Catholics don’t have all the hang-ups about gambling and drinking that other groups mentioned above seem to have and that is fine. However, bring up sex or sexuality issues with the Catholic Empire and they react like you have just mentioned the Holy Grail! Catholics are nervous Nellie’s when the subject of sexuality, homosexuality, divorce and transgendered people is brought up around them.

Why is this and what holds their faith together – the answer is simple…. GUILT! Riddled by the guilt and teachings of the leaders of their group they have more hang-ups on these issues than a transitioning TG has hormones! The Roman Catholic Empire (RCE) is lead by men for men and works its damnedest to see, and has done so for many years, that woman have little if any role in their organization. Women cannot become priests and if a woman begins to have some influence in the group like Mary Magdalene and all of the sudden she is vilified to shreds so she has no respect in the faith. Women are treated as second class citizens in this all male society of the RCE. Priests are forbidden to marry for some crazy theory that has never been properly explained although in the early history of the Church the priests were married and some of the disciples of Christ were also married. Single men running a group which subsequently begins attracting those so pent up with frustrations they begin a long history of sexual abuse of children for which the Church has paid out millions but tried to cover up because it again it something it cannot talk about openly. The RCE is currently led by a pope who is a former Hitler Nazi youth which of course explains his dogmatic approach to turning the clock back on the miniscule progress made over the years. He recently condemned the LGBT community by asserting we were the destruction of civilization, blurring the lines of gender distinction and threatening the fundamental institution of marriage (which was created during a time when woman were mere chattel!) He concluded that we were as much threat to civilization as the destruction of the rain forest was to the world! I can almost hear the goose –stepping brown shirts now marching around at his command to round up these “threats” to civilization. Catholic groups have recentl yprotested transgendered groups having transgendered awareness days on campuses.
Yes my brothers and sisters in the LGBT community -these organizations are the vast and powerful enemies that the LGBT community will face head on lead by their force of history, tradition, money and hatred in an all out battle to defeat each and every piece of legislation we bring forth to seek dignity and rights that all of us and all humans deserve! The Mormons, southern Baptists and it’s fundamental hard core spin-offs like Free Methodists as well the RCE will use every resource and scare and fear tactic known to people on their pulpits to preach that we are this threat and that any legislation that protects us or grants us rights others in society have must be defeated as the work of “Satan”. With these groups preaching the dogma and spreading lies and hate and backed by powerful amounts of money how can we stand a chance to win this battle for dignity we ALL deserve? Furthermore, and I am curious to ask, “why would someone who is part of our community want to stay a member of such groups knowing how these very groups feel about them? I admire you for trying to stay I do. I surely didn’t as I bolted the RCE when I was 13 years old sick of their tired old dogma and treatment of woman. I knew also that I was different and that the difference would not be tolerated by them. I only go where I am fully welcomed, loved and accepted for who I am when it comes to joining any religious groups.
The battle for dignity and rights for the LGBT community will be fought for sure. The gain would mean so much for many of us and for humanity as a whole! But make no mistake about it folks- the enemies who oppose us will be a daunting challenge. They will be richer, filled with more tradition and history and prominence in society and oh by the way…they have God on their side ….don’t believe me – just ask them! The empires of the Mormon , Baptist and Catholic religions and their allies like the Muslins who treat woman like third class property will be a fierce force to take on to win the rights and dignity we all should have enjoyed in this world as humans. They will work diligently, with God by their side, to keep it OK for society to hate us, perfectly acceptable for it to deny us medical treatment and the healthcare coverage to pay for it and equally acceptable to withhold housing and employment to us simply because who we sleep with at the end of the day or the physical shell we were born with even though it did not fit our soul and essence. Such an accomplishment from a large group of organizations which were supposedly founded on love and helping others. My, my …...won’t God be impressed by their efforts??

Perceptions

Perception is a difficult thing sometimes and in our community of transgendered people it sometimes can become a quagmire as we come out to people and move through our physical and spiritual transitions. I was in a several conversations recently with a friend of mine and someone who I admire greatly for her courage to come out despite risking her family and career that she has performed so well in public service here in Columbus. We discussed the fact that many in the mainstream community and in particular our families see us as in some sort of pretend world and I know my ex has even addressed me as being in a “subculture” and Paula’s parents think she is not a “real person” being who she is as Paula. The family members think that we are somehow living a falsehood being who we are and have always been on the inside and that the real us was the person we pretended to be for so long. The longer we played the game and pretended the more their perception was that was really who we are and have always been. When we finally come out and tell them who we really are they so disbelieve it and are stuck in the perception we so amply created living the lie.

I played the game so well I sometimes fooled myself. I know others have done the same. The only pretending i ever did was when I tried to fool others and hid the real me from the world. I immersed myself in almost everything from activities to politics which portrayed me as this person they grew to know and perceive as the person I really was when the truth was so far from it. The better one played the game, the worse it was when it was time to come clean as the ones who were closest to you bought into the false perception even more many times than those who knew you only marginally. The period of time following coming out, transitioning and living fulltime in your true gender is a wonderful experience in which your peace is found and the happiness of being and presenting yourself as whom you really and truly are gives you great joy and comfort. However, the loved ones who were close to you and knew you and bought into the false perception better than most are left only with their perceptions of who you are which you created even though that is not who you are as a person. I think sometimes the easiest transitions as far as retaining many of the family members are those where the transgendered person shared more of their true selves with their loved ones and did not let them obtain the deep seeded misperceptions which plague many of us in our transitions and relationships with those that were close to us before we told them the real truth about us. So they believe the other person we tried to be and misled others into believing we were is who we were and that we are only pretending to be someone else now.

We know that is not the case -but the quagmire of misperceptions of our doing which we weaved and built in our previous life in hiding and deceiving does us in and leaves those we fooled so badly (and you know they cannot be happy about being fooled so badly!) asserting we are in a pretend world, a subculture, a cult and not “real persons”. I long for the day when I can connect again with my immediate family and I get the chance to erase the misperceptions I created with them for so many years and let them get to know the real me and hopefully alter their misperceptions which I created in them. I built the misperception living the big lie for so long and so well that I know that it cannot be erased so easily by others. We do it to ourselves and we must live with the consequences of doing so and of playing the game so well for so long and leaving the trail of misperceptions that now lie at our feet as we move through our journey being who we really are as people. No one weaves a more tangled web than that of a transgendered soul….but maybe that is just my perception!