Drama

Drama

Drama…….. Drama…….Don’t want no Drama. It seems that our community of transgendered people more often than it should thrives on drama …so I guess the name drama queens and the association with soap operas seems appropriate sometimes when it comes to discussion and postings and blogs which proliferate in our community. Sometimes it seems like it is a war of factions- each taking turns taking shots at the other as well individual girls of our community. Recently, there was reported incident outside a club in Cleveland Ohio by one of our community members who attended at GNO scheduled there. Now, first of all, whether this incident actually occurred in the manner it was posted I cannot say because I was not present at the event. I do know the girl who posted it and I have stayed with her at hotels at her hospitality and she was always very nice and easy going so I have no reason to dispute what she said as not true either. It really does NOT matter. Incidents like these can occur anywhere and all that needed to be said was “girls…..be careful out there, watch your surroundings and where you park and keep an eye out for each other! After all, we are all sisters. I don’t want any harm to come to my sisters ever. I know it will happen some but that does not mean I want it to do so.
In response to this posting in which she also indicated she planned to continue going out and even return to that same club, another one of my sisters wrote a public blog attacking her and essentially calling her a liar and then in some bizarre conspiracy story indicated it was fabricated by another sister in order to hurt the scene in Cleveland and secure allies in the faction she evidently heads up. Mel Gibson would have loved this one for his movie “Conspiracy Theory” Heck….its all enough to make one’s head spin and for me to shout “stop the drama girls” Why these so called factions even exist and why everything gets discussed in such personal attacks on others in our community is beyond me…it truly is! I never want to tell anyone what to write about as I am a firm believer in our rights to free speech and thought but I do not approve of personal attacks on any of my sisters regardless of what so called “faction” they may belong to (assuming they even do) as if that is important anyway! I feel we have enough drama in our lives from being transgendered as it is, dealing with relationships, families, possible transition and purging and all sorts of crap we face all the time- not to mention what we get from those outside our community- especially those of the narrow minded thinking establishment and religious right.
We need to stop attacking each other –period. We can disagree or agree to disagree as all human beings do but surely personal attacks of any nature are not the solution to resolving any conflicts we may have among ourselves. We can express our differences without ever making it personal. I may not always agree with the opinions expressed by others by I do respect the opinion, the right to express it and the person who made it. We can see that all of our sisters are both unique as well as sharing many commonlities.
I abhor any attempt to divide or segment our community by simply who is a particular type of transgendered person such as a crossdresser or TS or anything in between and beyond! In fact, it irks me no end when I hear as TS person make a statement that implies they are downgrading a sister by saying something like “well …...they are just a typical crossdresser” I may be in one segment of our community to some people but I still love all my sisters and will strive to get along with everyone in the same. I will respect them and hope they will in turn respect me and consider me their sister. In fact, I would be adamantly opposed to any ENDA bill, that even if it included gender orientation, excluded gender expression in the same manner I opposed the ENDA bill which only protected sexual orientation but excluded protections for transgendered people. I think the term “gender orientation” fits more readily TS while the latter (gender expression) fits more readily CD. The bottom line is we all need human rights in the country and respect and dignity for all people. Sacrificing one element of the LGBT community to obtain gain for another is simply wrong!
Ladies…….its not a battle of TS versus crossdressers, it’s not a war of so called factions of our sisters, it’s not a conflict of groups or GNO events. It’s not a sport to personally attack our sisters. None of these things makes any sense. I know its human nature but we can do better. I know we can and I will keep striving to even do better myself. We can respect one another a little more, work for common goals, have fun together and try to put aside preconceived notions and embrace each other’s differences. It all really comes down to one common thread- Respect! We should expect it among all human beings but at the very least we should have it prospering among our own transgendered community! Come on girls…Stop the drama…. save it for Hollywood!

What is love?

This should be an easy blog to write for all I do normally is express my thoughts and feelings and post them to my blog sites. The words usually flow easily and I take great joy in writing as I always have most of my life and I apparently passed this passion and creativity to my daughter. However, in this blog the words don’t flow as easily as they normally should or do and it’s not because I don’t feel or the words aren’t there, it is because the words are so inadequate to describe my feelings and the feelings I have are so intense they almost interfere with their expression. For the first time in my life as Melissa (I say “Melissa” because the shell has felt love but I am not talking about the shell here ......I am ONLY talking about Melissa) I am deeply totally and passionately in love with someone who only sees the real me and embraces the real me and nurtures and comforts the real me who is busting out more and more every day as the shell crumbles to its demise and ruin!
This is not something which began overnight, on one night or even over one period of time of the last year- but I know some of you saw it coming maybe even before I ever did. About a year ago, I met a lovely transgendered lady by the name of Paula Katherine White. Recently, she confessed to me that she fell in love with me the night we met for the first time and we talked out on a patio one evening for hours. I will say truthfully I did not have the initial feelings for her that she obviously did for me but I loved talking with her more than anyone else I have ever met as Melissa although I love chatting with my sisters and brothers in the trans community very much and like to keep in touch when I can. However, I walked away that night after we met and hoped we would talk again and we did. Soon over months after that we began chatting frequently online and when we saw each other in person. Months later we began talking on the phone and over time that occurrence became a regular and even a daily occurrence. I could share anything with her…my entire soul …my horrible past…..the humor, the sadness, thoughts and feelings, happiness …there was absolutely nothing I would not share with her- ever. She grew to know more about me than any other person on this planet. I wanted her to know everything and I let it all flow. She told me everything about her and shared her thoughts and feelings and bared her soul to me. We talked and we talked for hours upon hours upon hours ……Paula is my best friend in the world and the strong base work of such let us take our feelings deeper and deeper. We never rushed into anything and we built a foundation of open and free communication which carried us to heights unknown to both of us before.
Now believe me we had opportunities to be together in the times we spent rooming together over the last year but until recently we never let anything initiate between us. Last fall we slept in the same bed together but instead of this turning into some night of passion we laid in bed talking to each other until we both fell asleep. I began to feel this girl was my soul mate and I was right of course as our souls seem to be intertwined …we somehow seemed to belong together and we continued to talk and support and share deep and even troubling feelings with each other …there was nothing we could not talk about with each other ever…when she had a crises or two I was there for her and God only knows she has pulled me out of some low points as well. I did not know there could be someone who was as perfect for me as Melissa as I found in Paula. The more we began to talk- the longer we talked …….we have talked for four hours or more on occasion…day after day we talked and shared. We found out we have so much in common and so many things we both love to do and see. Where o where has this girl been all my life I kept asking myself.
After nearly a year of talking and sharing we have had the opportunities to spend some weekend together shopping, sightseeing, dinning, and dancing and of course more talking and sharing. We also discovered we both have a sense of humor and we make each other laugh so much! Recently, one of these nights we lay in bed and held each other and gazed into each other’s eyes where we saw each other’s soul in a manner that escapes the proper description of words. I have never felt anything like this in my life. We kissed passionately and our love for each other flowed so wonderfully. We spent most of the two nights together caressing and touching and kissing and talking in the closest of intimacy that I have ever experienced and again it was without what most people would describe as physical sex. I simply loved being in her arms, I loved looking into her eyes…...I loved sharing myself freely with her and communicating without any restraints. We knew after that weekend that we cared and loved each other so deeply…....so intensely that wanted to spend more and more time together.
This past weekend we met again and it was the most weekend of my life. We talked, we shopped, we danced and we dinned and even went to a program together on transgendered rights. Paula has helped me grow so much as Melissa and I have her as well. We spent the night in each others arms…we fed each other dessert; we talked and talked and shared our deepest feelings. We kissed and caressed and walked hand in hand and so much in love with each other we even talked about a future together. It will not be easy for easy of us and there will be great anguish and hardship but we know one thing …no matter what happens- ever, we will always be there for the other and our love grows deeper and deeper by the hour! I have never felt, as Melissa, anything such as I have felt with her in my life. I feel whole …..I feel alive…I feel passion and tenderness like I have never ever experienced and it has touched my soul so very deeply!
What is love? I don’t know if we can ever fully describe what love is ……..but I believe we can sense when we have reached that pinnacle of relationship with another human being and I know I have in my life with Paula. In all honesty, I want to spend the remainder of my life on this planet with Paula and I hope everyone is able to someday, if you already have not done so, find someone that you love so deeply and passionately that your souls touch and who you want to spent whatever time you have here on this world together as we have.......Paula….I love you and I always will!

Growth

There are clearly many forms of growth in one’s life and in the journey of a transgendered person such as myself and I had some time this week to reflect on the different patterns of growth that has occurred in my life and in my journey. The first type of growth to be measured is physical growth. Now normally when we think of physical growth, we are talking about the changes that occur to teenagers such as hair, height, weight, and the other nuances of growth and change that is expected for such a time period in one’s life at that age. As we grow older, those changes are measured by hair loss, sagging breasts, wrinkles and weight gain over the years. However, for a transgendered person such as me, growth in the physical sense is measured by how much your body is growing or developing to more readily represent the true essence of who you are as a person. In my case, the erosion of the physical shell and the reshaping of my body to more readily reflect the presentation of Melissa. In that regard, I am experiencing much growth as my breasts are beginning to take form and shape even on my early stages of hormones. My skin is growing smoother and the hair less prevalent. My face is clearly showing its reshaping brought on by my extensive electrolysis over the last few months which has removed the shadow and made my face smoother and softer and more feminine. Additionally, the hormones have leveled me out more on an emotional level as they were designed to do.

The second type of growth one can experience is spiritual growth. This can be growth in one’s spirituality as well as one’s inner spirit. In my assessment these can overlap. I have always sought a greater understanding of God, our existence and the flow of inner and outer peace. I have tried a couple organized religions but in recent years I sought one that would be accepting of the LGBT communities as I believe one properly should but I yet to find that group yet. The one I currently belong to but now rarely attend pretends to be but in reality is a close minded as the Bible thumpers they try to distinguish themselves from in their arrangement. I think I was closer to figuring out God and the universe when I was in college and researched and wrote and extensive paper on the subject for an upper level philosophy class than I am today and I blame the organized religions for that occurrence. The other type of spiritual growth occurs from finding one’s own inner spirit and I think I am doing a much better job in experiencing that growth. Melissa has been so long repressed in that shell which has hid her from much of the world but in recent years that has substantially changed and so has my inner spirit soared as I face experiences as Melissa while emerges from the tired old shell. The freeing of my soul has made me exceedingly happy and joyful. How can this not be good? It is growth at its finest and sweetest for sure.

Growth can also occur emotionally and as I mentioned I have been aided by the fact the hormones have leveled me off more emotionally as I drive down the testosterone and increase the influx of estrogen into my body. It effects far more than the body. You began to feel more emotionally and it alters your thinking process to what seems to me to be a more feminine perspective. Men and women are wired differently and transgendered people are wired even differently. We have some emotions more commonly associated with both men and women but the hormones changes that again and we begin to think more as a woman than a man although there are no absolutes in this process. I have read several books now from transgendered people as well as having talked to many of my friends and everyone agrees that there is less anger and frustration, a calmer thinking and the deeper feelings of emotions which envelopes us as we journey along and experience HRT. I have always been one to cry but it seems I am touched even more deeply sometimes. I use to be filled with much more anger. I blame this on my heritage of a deadly combination of Scotch and German combined with the frustration of having my true essence crammed deep in a shell. As the shell erodes and the testosterone production is curtailed I am calmer and more at peace and much less likely to rise to anger. This calming effect makes it possible for more growth emotionally and spiritually and that again is a very wonderful thing.

I truly believe we must continually grow as human beings, and in my case as a transgendered woman, or we will die. Our bodies, our minds, our souls seek growth and while this true for all human beings it is exceedingly true for transgendered people whether one is on HRT or not. I know I have a great deal more growth to go and some of it will be quite painful physically but mostly emotionally. Sometime we fear emotional pain and I am know exception to this principle but it is necessary to grow and growth is what it is all about and growth is to be embraced and nurtured. I have much to go on my journey and much growth to experience but I will face it joyfully…… ….…the alternative to me is not even remotely acceptable!

“It takes great courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.” (Anonymous) (Quoted from Donna Rose’s book “Wrapped in Blue”

Vinyl Gems -NEW (4-6-08)

Well last week I tackled the scintillating topic of movie quotes from a slew of wonderful movies I love and how some of the lines came into our culture and had bigger meanings than when they were uttered in the movie theatre. This week I thought I would continue my disclosure of media sources which have shaped and impacted me by discussing my favorite albums. First of all, the “albums” I am talking about I once owned on vinyl (you know those big usually black round thing disc things with grooves in them that long time ago played music by application of a stereo needle). In fact, I had quite an extensive collection of “albums” for many years UNTIL I came home one day after my spouse had conducted a yard and garage sale where she was so happy she sold my box of albums we could not play anymore for a whopping $5.00. I am sure the fellow that bought them laughed all the way to bank with my collection of the Beatles “White Album”, Grand Funk Railroad’s “Were an American Band” the original Cars album on the limited blue vinyl release as well as many others nice gems! Oh well ……maybe a subject of another blog someday…..

Secondly, unlike my movie lines the albums are not really in numerical order because it is splitting hairs except for my No. 1 which is my favorite album of all time. Thirdly, I did not include any Beatles albums because well they would occupy the top ten- The Beatles did not make a bad album –all were incredibly spectacular. So just go ahead and pick one it should be on anyone’s top ten lists. Fourthly, I am a huge fan of rock and pop music. I grew up on it and since I had an older brother who brought forward small vinyl (45’s), I was introduced to music from 1950’s through the present. I enjoy other forms of music EXCEPT country and bluegrass but rock and pop were always my bread and butter. Lastly, no compilation or greatest hits albums were allowed on my list as well…..I have to discuss a couple of “honorable mentions” as well such as the Stone’s “Sticky Fingers”, Steely Dan’s “Asia”, Deep Purple’s “Machine Head”, Chicago’s Albums Two and Five, The Who’s “Who are you” and Led Zeppelin’s “Houses of the Holy” …

I also must give a special honorable mention to the Eagle’s “Hotel California” which was the best work of their very long and stellar career featuring such ballads as the title track, “Life in the Fast Lane” “Victim of Love” and my personal favorite “The Last Resort” with the classic but haunting line “to call someplace paradise is to kiss it goodbye”



So with that all said here goes it ………..

No.10. Aerosmith- “Toys in the Attic” The bad boys of Rock and Rock followed up the “Rats in the Cellar” single with this smash release in 1975 which featured the screeching vocals of lead singer Steven Tyler and the group is still kicking them out day. The album was rougher than the others listed below but the sound is good and the lyrics catchy as well. “Walk this Way” became a classic which has been remade two times, “Sweet Emotion”, “You see me Crying” the title track itself and the classic play on words from “ Big ten Inch” which slurs the words “except on my” to sound like “suck on my big ten inch……very catchy boys! ….

No.9. Jackson Browne- “Running on Empty” This is a solid album by a talented artist but he was not able to duplicate this work before or after this album. The work featured the title track itself, as well as “Rosie” (a tribute piece to masturbation), “Cocaine” (a tribute to drug addiction) “Love Needs a Heart”, the Load Out and “Stay” and “You Love the Thunder”. In fact, there is a hardly a weak track on this album released in 1976.

No.8. Emerson Lake and Palmer- “Brain Salad Surgery” Oh my I loved this album and played it until the grooves wore out for sure. A great album cover of the opening skull starts it off and inside such gems as “Jerusalem” which is a gripping opening track “Toccata” which was performed with an orchestra, “Still you turn me on”, and of course Karn Evil 9 (first, second and third impressions). This album was released in 1973 and still sounds as good today as it did then.

No.7. The Who- “Tommy” Now the Who had done some fine work before this piece with great hits like My Generation, Magic Bus, Squeeze Box and many others but the concept of the Tommy album as a rock opera was novel and fresh and it flowed as well any piece of vinyl ever could when it was released in 1969. It was a two record set and featured such classics as “Pinball Wizard”, “We’re not Gonna Take it” “I’m Free”, “Acid Queen” “Fiddle About” (now how many albums in 1960’s talked about child molestation?) and “Tommy Can you Hear Me?” as well as my personal favorite “Welcome”.

No.6. Led Zeppelin- “Led Zeppelin No.2. Now Led “the Head” was a phenomenal group and probably the best concert I ever saw in my live what I can remember of it (LOL). They had so many phenomenal pieces of works in their storied history but this album really cut their teeth on the scene and set them up for many more successes to come. Released in 1969, it featured such wonderful songs as “What is and What Should Never Be”, “Whole Lotta Love”, “Thank You”, “Ramble On” and “Heartbreaker”. The classics don’t get much better than this my friends.

No.5. Elton John-“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” Elton John was a celebrated superstar that produced many wonderful albums and crashed the billboards hard with hit after hit but this two record set was a masterpiece not just for the ones that hit the billboard such as “Bennie and the Jets”, the Title track, and Saturday Night’s all Right for Fighting” but the lesser known gems on this work including as song about lesbians entitled “All the Young Girls Love Alice” and delightful pieces such as “Grey Seal”, “Harmony”, “This Song Has no Title”, and Your Sister Can’t Dance but she can Rock and Roll” The album begins hauntingly with “Funeral for a Friend” blended eloquently with “Love Lies Bleeding” 1973 was vintage year indeed!

No.4 Jimmie Hendricks- “Are You Experienced” In 1967, this incredible album featuring one of the greatest guitarists in the world burst on the scene in a tour de force with a debut album the industry had not seen. Delightful gems included “Purple Haze” (which does not contain the line Excuse me while I kiss this guy but instead “excuse me while I kiss the sky”) “Can you see me”, “Hey Joe”, The Title Track itself and “Foxey Lady” and a personal fav of mine “Stone Free”. Sweet riffs at their best for sure.

No 3. The Rolling Stones- Some Girls Released in 1976, the Stones reached a plateau in their career with the release of the phenomenal album which firmly established them as one of the greatest rock and roll bands of all time. They had already produced classics such as “Wild Horses”, “Jumping Jack Flash”, “It’s only Rock and Roll”, “Let’s Spend the Night together” and many others. The title track smash of this release, which if you bought one of the original releases as I did, contained the line “Black girls just want to get” Fu**ked all night” ripped the album into a classic and created huge sexist and racial controversy. The songs flowed well on the vinyl and features such classics as “Miss You”, “Far Away Eyes”, “When the Whip Comes Down” (which might be a personal fav of my good friend Mandie- LOL) as well as “Shattered” “Beast of Burden” and Just My Imagination ( running away with me )”.

No. 2 Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band- “Born to Run” Oh my did this group with the grumbled voice lead singer burst on the scene in 1975 with the release of this classic gem that skyrocketed them to the simultaneous cover of Time and Newsweek Magazines and the lads of this group of talented musicians have rocked on the scene for over thirty years just releasing a new album last fall which is reminiscent of the earlier work. They had produced a few works before but had only a regional following in the heart of Asbury Park, New Jersey. “Born to Run” featured the Title track which became the band’s anthem but may have been outdone by the other songs on this vinyl including “Tenth Avenue Freeze Out”, “Jungleland”, “Backstreets”, “She’s The One” and of course “Thunder Road” Its no wonder I have seen The Boss and his band a dozen times since 1976.

No. 1 My personal number one album of all time is …..Pink Floyd- “Dark Side of the Moon” This album is as solid as any album can come and features the best work of this very talented and intellectually intense membership in the group. It begins with our heartbeats and ends the same way fading out and features such classics as “Time” which has some of my favorite lyrics of all time …...Ticking Away the moments that make up the dull day…..shorter of breath and one day closer to death….Other pieces on this classic album include “Money” “Brain Damage/Eclipse”, “Us and Them” , “On the Run” and “Breathe” This album seemed to define life in general with b
I’ll see you all…..on the dark side of the Moon…….irth, the breathing our air, racing against time, the pursuit or lack of money, the great Gig in the sky….. until the final closing piece …


I'll see you all...................... on the dark side of th moon

Where's My Cosage? (Summer 2007)

I will admit it and most of you will admit it too if you really think about.... ..I so wanted to go to the prom or wedding party or some formal social event as Melissa when I was much younger. The long beautiful gowns and sparkling high heels, the beautiful and colorful flowers, the pictures and the nice formal dinner and dancing were things I thought it was so dreamy! I went to the prom in high school and I have gone to formal weddings and special events like an inauguration but atlas, in each occasion, it was in the drab boy mode where I was usually wearing a tuxedo and not the long flowing pretty gown I so desired to wear as Melissa which I would have worn after I spent the day in the spa getting my manicure, pedicure, facial and makeover that would have made me sparkle in the outfit and heels with my corsage attached to my wrist or breast area! I remember going to these events in my drab boy clothes and just starring at the girls who had been so fortunate to be born as lady who had spent the day doing this very thing and looking so beautiful and elegant and feminine in their gowns and dresses.
That is why I going to the events like Be-All, Gala or SCC. I of course love doing just about anything as Melissa whether it be dancing, shopping, picnicking, bowling ,dinners, movies, theatre or other fun things and I also love to spend time with my friends and sisters without question whether it is a coffee house or special party. Events like the Be-all or Gala or SCC allow me also to see some girls I only get to see a couple times a year. I enjoy doing the regular activities and picking up some helpful information at workshops or from just chit chatting with my sisters as well. However, the main reason I love going to these special events like the Gala or Be-All is not for the things I set forth above because I can get those things from day to day or weekly activies and interaction with my sisters - it is because for two or three times a year I get to be that girl I always dreamed about when I went to the prom or wedding or special formal event with Melissa so neatly tucked away under my tuxedo. I get to be Melissa in her most feminine beauty....with my long gown and matching heels and my makeover and matching jewelry and accessories and spend the evening dinning and dancing. It almost makes up for the loss of those opportunities most if not all of us missed out on when we were young!
The Be-All's final night program was dreamy to say the least! I got my makeover that day and touched up my nails. I put on his soft ,satiny, beautiful royal purple gown and matching purple sparkle heels and my formal patent clutch purse and I gazed into the full length mirror and I saw her - Melissa as she would have been at her prom , wedding party or formal event that she missed out on early in life. We left the hotel and were taken by stretch limos to the banquet where a red carpet awaited our arrival and flashing pictures and video like we had arrived for the Academy Awards Celebration. The reception was wonderful with cocktails and snacks and light piano music playing. The dinner was spectacular and the twenty minute firework production over the lake during dinner was fabulous and I spent the night dancing soaking it all in.
Now I am not in favor of doing this everyday or even every week or month. If that happened then these would not longer be special events. They are also not realistic because most real women don't go to more than one or two of these type of events a year anyway. Casual wear and dance club wear or picnic mode is fine most any day or night. But - a couple times a year it is so nice to bring out that beautiful gown and get all dolled up so pretty and feminine for a night of fun at a special event and, for just an evening, relive the events early in life like the prom or wedding as you really wish you could have experienced them - as the girls we were although society and others would not let us experience these events in such a manner as we so desired.
Now sometime if I can ever get one of the corsages for these events I know I finally will have lived out the dreams of my youth on those spring days and evenings in high school when prom season arrived or the long days of summer filled with weddings and gala events!

Be-all I can be and getting it back in the Shell (Spring 2007)

Just got back from the Be-All Convention (Be-All you can be? Hmmm…...can't place it right now but I think some military group had this same "theme" a few years back) in Chicago where I lived five wonderful days and nights as Melissa. I had a great fun roomie in my WV girlfriend Joanne Carter and had a ball meeting some many wonderful new people and renewing some old acquaintances in the sisterhood. First, let me say it was a well planned and executed event with lots of fun things like the pool party, dinners with great food, awesome suites, well placed vendors and time for everyone to take in shopping and seminars as well as fun hitting the clubs and dancing at night! The fun started Tuesday on arrival and the unloading of all my wardrobe which was quickly criticized by roomie Joanne -but she was impressed by the fifteen pairs of shoes I brought which did not even make a dent in collection). We went to the hospitality suite for food and drinks and mingled and I quickly engaged in doing my favorite activity (get your minds out of the gutter people) which is meeting new sisters and chatting with them. Interaction with old friends and making new ones in our sisterhood is something I cherish deeply!
Wednesday was the trip to the casino where I actually came out ahead which is always a good thing I say (although not as good as two girls who went with us - one won over 2000 dollars in craps ) Wednesday was also the pool party where I arrived for the first time in bathing suit as Melissa ( a scary proposition to say the least) The food was good and afterward we headed out to some clubs where my roomie Joanne made her first mistake of the trip by forgetting her ID even though we are older than dirt ! Thursday brought some seminars and my first real viewing of the vendors. I enjoy some of the sessions and I took a big chance and went to the one called "voices” which had nothing to do about our voice pitch but about our written expressions as transgendered people. I read one of my earlier blogs ( The Cocoon) and one I wrote in class as well. Powerful stuff and not by me but by many other vastly talented people who just happen to be transgendered. It opened my soul to hear such expressions! Thursday we went out to dinner after changing our minds ( like girls do ) about five times as to where we were going to dine. Thursday night was the open bar and food party at a cool club where we heard a rocking band called "Barely Standing" who played lots of 70's , 80's and 90 's rock music. My roomie Joanne made her second blunder of the event by consuming incredible mass quantities of alcohol which forced her to visit the ladies room so she can now say she tossed her cookies and then some in a ladies room of a general club. She was taken back to the hotel room for further nursing and expunging. She looked like hell the next morning and all the makeup in the world is not going to fix that my friends!
Friday was some more shopping and seminars and more opportunities to meet and chat with more of my sisters. I adored the session on "outrageous eyes" and also checked out electrolysis. It is something I would love to try but it is not cheap for sure and even the new techniques seem a bit “painful". But at least I have more information to make informed decisions. Friday we also had a luncheon with a fashion show and dinner with the talent show and girls we have some talented sisters for sure! Our feminine side is a great source for creative talent most definitely. Finally, on Friday we went to the club called Hunters where I danced and had fun and watched Joanne nurse cokes and water all night ( hmmm- I wonder why hon.?) Saturday I had more opportunities to meet more girls and I took some outdoor pictures of a girl named Jennifer who just had a makeover and I enjoyed so much chatting with her as well (just wish I had Glenda's talent for photo shoot but they still came out pretty well ) Saturday luncheon was awesome as we heard from Susan Stanton the transgendered person who was lynched by her townspeople and her council after 17 years of splendid work because God forbid she announced she was transitioning after being outed ( well I guess we all know woman can't be city directors as this position must be filled by only men I guess ) I will say this - for a person who has undergone all that she has she still has a wonderful sense of humor and did a great impersonation of the Baptist minister who was on council and made the wonderfully compassionate "Christian " statements and who has obviously studied Jesus ' HR policies in his study of theology!
On Saturday evening we rounded out the event with a fabulous evening of a limo ride after dressing in our formal gowns and dresses where we received the red carpet treatment and photos and a wonderfully delicious meal with a fifteen minute firework production over the lake! I dreaded Saturday night though because I know what it brings - Sunday morning and the packing up of Melissa -but just like the fact that all my new things added from shopping now produced bags that just did not hold it all like they did when I came five days earlier, my shell did not fit so well on Melissa either. My emersion into Melissa for extended periods of time and interactions with my sisters in seminars, over coffee, in the lounge or over dinners always expands me and pushes me forward in my journey as Melissa and I no longer fit as well in the shell that covers her from the most of the world who produce people like the above mentioned minister on council. You know when you try to recover something you opened, it just never seems to fit as well as it did before you opened and unpacked it. That is how I view Melissa after these experiences and just like when you don't quite cover something after you have opened it and parts of it now out stick out and show , more of Melissa is revealed by my shell and I wonder whether one day the shell will fit at all and I will be standing there as Melissa for all the world to see. I know this day may come - I have known it since I began this journey and I only hope that when it does I have the courage of Ms Stanton and many others like her and friends who will support me in place of the shell which once trapped me

The First Time (Spring 2007)

Everybody loves the first time they do something new or big or the first time they experience something whether it is the first time they ride a bike or a new exciting ride on a the latest attraction to the amusement park or the first time they drove a car alone. The thrill of doing it for the first time and living the experiences we crave in our lives is one of the driving forces that keeps us going in this world. Comming out of the closet for the first time and going out into public enfemme for the first time is no different, but of course, it is unique to our transgendered community.
Last weekend, I got to see the other end of that expereince when after months of discussion and proding in my efforts to outreach , I was able to convince my friend Roxanne ( Roxi ) to come out of her well stocked and deeply embedded closet and enter the world bring ing Roxi to the world and meeting her sisters who embraced her as I knew they would. She did so at the Pink Essence -GNO in Akron last week. I know she struggled to get to this point but I clearly sensed in her the need to get out and meet her sisters and I was still mildly suprised she showed at the hotel . I helped her get ready and make the final prepartions for our night out Unlike some first timers, she did not merely go to an alternative club under the cover of darkness but also went out in broad daylight strolling through a shopping area in Quaker Square and had dinner with some of the girls there as well. I talked with her several times this week and she was still living on that high of being out in public and meeting so many of her sisters who embraced her and had fun with her that night.
I remember the first time I went out in public with trhe assistence of a prodding sister when I was in New Orleans visting there in mid 90's . Carla ( not the one in Pink essence in Ohio who is my close friend) was the girl's name and she spent weeks online with me convincing to make this giant leap out of the dark, deep and lonely closet to come out in public for the first time . I was so scared that day I could barely eat and I was out getting ready all afternoon with my nails and wig styling and shopping for that minute accessory. I walked from the hair and nail salon for five blocks in broad daylight with my friend and had a drink at a local club before heading to the tg party that night for dinner and drinks and out to another four or five clubs . I did not want the night to end and I remember with each step I took walking ( despite the four inch heels ) I kept gaining so much confidence- all while realizing Melissa was free from her self imposed containment.
Several things happen when you go out for the first time as a transgendered person. First, you get that rush of excitement of doing something for the first time that is new and exciting. Secondly, if you go to a dinner, club or party where you meet other transgendered girls its so incredible when you walk in that room and find 40, 50 or in my case 60 other girls - you just want to scream Oh my God.......I am not alone!!! Thirdly, you gain confidence in yourself and begin the journey in a different direction of being out and more free - for the journey can only go so far in a dark and lonely closet! Lastly, you realize how much fun you can have being with your sisters and having a great time. Although the exhilaration of going out the first time fades as you go out more frequently and the journey soon puts you further down the road and you know clearly you aren't alone ( in fact, I have been fortunate to be out all over - both locally and nationally and even internationally if you count Canada and met hundreds of sisters ), there is still one of the factors in play every time I go out as Melissa-I still realize how much I need to be with my sisters and how much I enjoy being with them and having fun with them. As long as I have my sisters and friends I can experience that one small part of going the first time over and over again!
Lastly, I am committed to helping any sister that truly seeks to come out and wants a big sister to help them. If you are serious ( no games) in wanting to take that step, all you ever have to do is ask me for my help and I will do anything I can to assist you to make it happen. As I have said many times, my sisters are very important to me - they enrich me and I have so much fun being with them!
Hugs, Melissa