Fun with the Gala "Education"

Wow …….it’s cold and snowy and the girls are pouring in from all over for what I cannot believe is my fourth Lake Erie Gala. It is hard to believe that Gala is already here again and this year I have been heavily involved in planning and organizing this week long fun-filled wonderful event. This year attendance picked up late but it is really picking up and before the weekend is out we will have nearly 85 people here at the event celebrating its Tenth Anniversary. There are some girls who have been coming for all ten years!!
The week of shopping and pampering, diners and site seeing and late night partying is a conference unlike others in our community. It is a more organized event that the delightful Saugatuck and it dos not have the workshops and seminars like that of the Be-all or SCC. All these are wonderful events and I have been to them and learned and enjoyed much and met many wonderful people in our community. The Gala is a social gathering and it involves organized day activities like site seeing to wineries and train stations and chocolate factory and an in indoor putt putt golf tournament. We have a casino night and glitter fair and night out for comedy clubs and dinner at a delicious Irish Restaurant. That is the real gem of the Gala beyond meeting some of the friendliest and warm group of sisters you would ever want to meet anywhere in the world. The Gala is designed for fun and social activities and building friendships but don’t be fooled by all the fun you will have by coming to it –it is also and important educational event!
Educational you say Melissa …….why there are no workshops or seminars or anything of the sort. It is simply getting girls out to venues such as restaurants and museums and wineries and converted railroad stations and many other public venues. Yes it is – but those opportunities to get out in broad daylight for shopping and site seeing and diners with your sisters is by itself educational for many new or recently out sisters who until they come her had only been out little or not at all and when they did it was to clubs and bars under the cloak of darkness. The Gala changes all that and provides the opportunity to break new barriers for girls in getting out under the watchful eye of some seasoned sisters like Marsha, Laura, Cindy, Josephine, Gerri or Melanie and I guess I would now have to say Melissa Marie Alexander. I think if my wife could go back in time to change the course of events in my emergence as Melissa and decision to live fulltime as who I really am she would chose to go back to the days before I left for the first time to come to Erie Pa and spend a week living as Melissa. I showed up a girl who had been out for a while but mostly to clubs and a few choice restaurants. I left at the end of the week not only with many friends and sisters but also with the confidence to go to malls at noon, shop in downtown stores, go to plays, museums and other sites in broad daylight and be proud of who I was as a human being. My confidence soared and grew exponentially that week. I tasted for the first time what it would be like to live my life as Melissa. I left there a changed person- one that was committed to finding the peace and happiness I had been missing living as somebody I was not and it began the movement of my journey towards living fulltime today and the courage to undergo some complicated procedures that will make my body comport with my soul! So that my friends is education and a very important piece in my life and in the life of many of my sisters even those who don’t decide to go fulltime. They do gain the confidence to go anywhere and be themselves and be proud of who they are as people- transgendered people! The Gala also serves to provide education to the public as well. The people of Erie have been invaded each year at this time by transgendered people who pump money into their city economy and who by their contact with us at restaurants, museums, wineries and golf courses as well malls and spas get the opportunity to interact with us and learn that we are just people- fun loving and warm hearted people who just happen to be transgendered! The city has been slowly educated- one citizen at a time.
So gather up your parkas and snow boots girls and head on up to Erie Pa for its Tenth Anniversary Gala. You will warm up to its welcoming friendly people and find many wonderful sisters –some of whom will become your closes friends in the community. You will not regret it! Spouses are always welcome and maybe that will educate them as well and you can find a peaceful coexistence or a deeper understanding. All in all it is a wonderful time and loads of fun and one you simply do not want to miss! It is time to gather in Erie for the Gala and let the “real life education” begin and the fun and support to carry you through.

The time is now for our community!

The world is made up of many different people with many different cultures and backgrounds and here in the good old US of A we have always referred to our heritage of bringing people together in our country in a “melting pot”.
We have watched groups struggle as they came here at first until another group came and took there place on the bottom of the chain. The Irish, the Italians, the Japanese, the Eastern Europeans African –Americans although clearly not by choice- they all came and after some struggles integrated into our society. Black people, particularly by virtue of the fact they were brought here by a vile institution known as human slavery, suffered through great hardship and struggles for human rights through the civil rights periods of protests, marches and legislation finally achieved many of the goals of equality. Recently, this country elected a black man as President – something most of the people of my father’s generation swore would never happen- but it did! The victory has given hope to many formally shut out or disadvantaged people that dreams can be achieved and success found despite the color of one’s skin or the makeup of his or her ancestors. Woman suffered as second class citizens based on a patriarchal society that rewarded men and held woman down. Woman fought for the right to vote and then hold office and more and more women enter careers everyday that were once held exclusively by men. Two women have been nominated for Vice- President of the country although the wage differential is still there, legislation such as Title VII and others have helped woman success and rightfully so! Legislation existing today protects someone based on sex, race, national origin, age, color, or disability. There remains only a few groups in this country that seem to be at a distinct disadvantage and one of them my friends is people like me – transgendered people. Now I am not looking for the “poor little me” response I am merely stating a fact.
Now is the time for our community, as small and “hidden” sometimes as it is, to forge ahead in our struggles for our rights and protections. I do not seek special help and I doubt most if any of my brothers and sisters in this community do either- just the right to be who we are and not be denied employment or housing or a continuation of either merely because we are transgendered people. We seek the same rights as others in society. We seek to find housing and services and to work a career we enjoy which also helps pay the bills and such and to do all of this without harassment or discrimination Now I have always said you cannot legislate prejudice for that is something learned but you can legislate against that prejudice being used as a basis for discrimination against transgendered people. We have much to accomplish but I believe our time is coming in the next five to six years and it will take all of our efforts to make this happen. I am excited to be a part of this change which can occur in the eventual enactment of the ENDA and Hate Crimes bill legislation which now has a greater chance of passing in the increasingly Democratic Congress and the election of Barak Obama. It will not come easy my friends and it will take the efforts of many of us to make this a reality and a forging of a relationship with others in the LGBT community. Herein lies our problem!
Most of our community is underground in one form or another and the numbers we have to work with and achieve our goals like others have in the past two hundred years of American society is quite small. The problem is we only have the “middle” and the other sides of that middle are many times either cloaked or in stealth mode. Those that are not out of the closet yet operate in a cloaked mode in which they are out limitedly if at all and so they are not willing to risk exposure to be involved in our efforts to achieve these important goals. Most of our community lies in this so called cloaked group. I remember I use to be there although after time it became more of protection for my children than for me. That all came to a screeching halt when I tore down the cloak of secrecy and came out to the entire world! It was a great feeling and it has brought me peace and happiness I did not know could exist! There is the group in the middle like me who are undergoing transition in which w are living life fulltime in our desired gender and undergoing all sorts of procedures like electrolysis, hormones, surgeries and the like. We generally take very active roles in the community. We are not afraid to be out and about and known as transgendered people. We have not reached that point where “stealth” is even under possible consideration. A substantial amount of activism in our community comes from this so called middle group. The third part of our community is those who are post transitional and who operate in a world of stealth. Having fully transitioned and looking the part and carrying all the right documentation they go about lives as woman and act like they never even had the organs or hormones of the other gender. They seek to seamlessly blend into the world of their true gender and let no one be the wiser. This works real well if you are able to move jobs and to another part of the country. However, stealth also means severing one’s self from the transgendered community and thus they are not likely to be an active supporter of our community and its needs and goals for equality. Although there are some fully transitional members of our community like my friends Debbie, Chloe and Barbie or of course our national leaders like Mara and others at the NCTE, I also know of some in the so called middle group who attempt to operate in stealth mode even before fully transitioning. This leaves us with only a handful of people to fight our struggle for dignity and equality. Why is stealth even a consideration for those in our community? As Donna Rose stated in her wonderful speech at SCC this year, can one truly ever reach “stealth”. As she so eloquently pointed out “the internet has changed one’s ability to go stealth as some simple searches can reveal most everyone’s past” so don’t fool yourself into thinking you can hide from anyone “who wants to take the time to find out your past- ever!” Therefore, true stealth is not really obtainable in our modern world. Accordingly, post transitional members of community should be in the forefront our leadership and activism for our rights and dignity as people. Now I am not advocating that post transitional people should not try to lead a normal life in the proper gender following transition. I will try to do so I know and I don’t advocate running around in t-shirts that say “Hi – I am a transgendered person” all the time and I know I will not be doing so. However, abandoning our community for me after full transition is NOT an option for me. I know that I am spiritually and emotionally a woman and that it is my true essence of who I am as a human being. I will live my life as a woman and enjoy the fact that my outward appearance and body will finally reflect who I truly and have always been in this world- a woman. However, I was born genetically a male and thus I am, by nature, a transgendered person and will always be such regardless of how much I spend on surgeries or how my hormone levels read. Nothing will ever change that and I am fine with that indeed! I am not ashamed to be a part of this community. I also believe that if others find out I am transgendered- so be it. I will use that as an opportunity to show others in society that I am just a human being and that transgendered people are just people too. Use these opportunities to educate people not excuses to run and hide! Never be ashamed of who you are as a person because you are transgendered. The community is my transgendered family and I feel compelled to be involved in it and be active in it and work with my sisters and brothers in achieving the goals we can achieve as our turn in history comes into fold in our fight for our dignity and rights as human beings -just as others have in other communities throughout our history.
There is much work to do such as lobbying members of Congress and writing letters and attending events and activities which serves to promote our community and its efforts to achieve our goals. Money can be contributed to the NCTE and your time can be volunteered to assist in these efforts. Now is the time for our community to get behind these efforts and work for the rights and dignity of all members of our community so that those who come behind us may find an easier path and one filled with more dignity and understanding. I can only hope that many who are cloaked will find courage to come out and those who do will chose a course of being involved and active in our community and when the time comes, that they remain active in our community and not chose to lead life in stealth but one with the courage and pride of being a wonderful human being who just happens to be transgendered. Remember some of the ten affirmations for LGBT spirituality:
1. We celebrate the unity we create in the midst of our diversity.
2. We affirm the inherent beauty, worth and dignity of every LGBT and straight person.
4. The choice is not whether to be LGBT or straight but whether or not to lead an authentic life.
5. Coming out is a courageous and spiritual act.
And most importantly………10. No one is free when others are oppressed!

Cruising before Barack

As I mentioned I also recently got back from a Caribbean cruise sponsored by Pink Essence in which forty people form our community went on and we all had a great time indeed. Who wouldn’t on a cruise?? We met in Miami on Wednesday and it was also my first time flying as Melissa but since my Id and picture now match my name on my ticket and how I live it was no brainer and I sailed through TSA security. We all dined together Wednesday night at the hotel and this of course began the five days of food frenzy that takes place on a cruise ship which has food available twenty-four seven including buffets, diners, sit down lunches, pizzerias and burger joints and every possible food group including a Chocoholics feast. It seems like I Cruising the Caribbean and Barack Obama………what do these two things have in common? Well not much I would say except that my recent days have been spent cruising for the first time as Melissa with many wonderful friends or voting for our new President for the first time being who I really am as a person. I had fun with both as the cruise was fabulous and so was the outcome of the election with the selection of this country’s first non white President on an historic night that hopefully will bring about change for our country. This country has been lingering in malaise for some time now without leadership. I don’t care whether you liked his policies or not but what bugged me the most about George Bush was his lack of leadership over the last few years and his failure to respond to pressing economic needs and his continuation of fighting a war in a place we don’t understand, and are not wanted, all while spending tons of money which could have been easily directed elsewhere in our own country. George needed to do something as the leader of our nation and he did not do so. He simply coasted the last couple years and enjoyed being President without doing anything as a leader. He was slow to respond to crises which arose over last few years and really has not shown leadership since 2002 after the 911 situation. I may not like what he proposed to do but doing nothing is not an option for a leader of our country in the 21st century.

I feel the main reason McCain lost was most people were fed up with George and his lack of doing anything and that the country needed new energy and change which Barrack would bring. It’s that simple.
Curiously, I noticed the south still has trouble with voting for black person. Let me say this as a southerner who has only been recently transplanted
to being a Yankee- the war between the states is over! While I still enjoy southern hospitality, sweet tea and grits, southerners need to embrace change in this country and get over the racism, hatred and prejudice and move forward in their lives. I also noted that the fact that my old state West Virginia voted for McCain despite being a state with Dems outnumbering the Elephants two to one. Two reasons why this happened folks……racism among rural Appalachian people and religious right wing fundamentalists who make up the composition of state of my family heritage. I am also very hopeful that with the gain in seats in Congress and our new President that next year will bring about the enactment of the Hate Crimes bill and ENDA and end discrimination (with enforcement) against the LGBT communities of which I am very much proudly a part of indeed!
was eating about every few hours. Additionally, my lovely sign and sail card took a good beating from all the delightful frozen concoctions I consumed during the cruise as the drinking seemed to start each day around 11 am and ended in the wee hours of the morning!

I knew several girls on the cruise such as Debbie, Carol, Jackie, Tara Brandy, Martina and Joan and of course my roomie for the cruise – my good friend Joann. Joann brought three bikinis by the way and modeled a different suit each day at the pool. I also met some wonderful new friends like Rachel and Jan as well as Leslie Ann. I additionally met a lovely girl named Amy who is transitioning, looking at the same surgeons I am and who started on hormones one day before me last January. We chatted for sometime and she and her spouse are really wonderful girls! I enjoyed the ports of call at Key West and Cozumel and did some shopping for jewelry, ornaments and other items. I will admit cruising is not a hard life and I love do it- but this time it was special. We got some looks from others and few were rude but most were neutral and a few took the time to meet us and ask questions and some admired our courage to live and enjoy life as who we are as people. I especially enjoyed chatting with a woman by the name of Jane who lives in Maryland and we spent hours talking and she was curious but very supportive and she hugged me and even gave me gift of one of her pieces of jewelry and told me to be myself, be happy and live life to its fullest! What a wonderful human being and I wish her so much peace and happiness. If more people in the world were like my new friend Jane the world would indeed be a better place! Like all good things the cruise came to end too soon but I loved being with tables of my sisters from all over the US and relaxing a bit…….now if I can just work off all that cheesecake, tiramisu and a delightful decadent dish called Chocolate Melting Cake I might be able to actually fit my clothes again!!!

Where Everyone Knows My Name!

Do you remember the time in elementary school that if you did not like someone in your class you did not say their name and tried to pretend like they did not exist. Well lately I feel I have been thrown back to the second grade and it largely comes at the action and inactions of my soon to be ex wife. My wife sends me some of my old mail as I continue the process of redirecting mail to my new home in Ohio. When she does send anything, it comes in an envelope marked only by my last name and she does not write the word “ Melissa” on it even though that is my name both spiritually as well as legally. How hard would be to write those letters on an envelope and mail it? I guess for her ….pretty damn hard! I write to her to find out things such whether I received something in the mail or to find out how she is doing or how our kids are doing since they have no contact with me at all. I sometimes try to discuss my emotions and feelings and anguish and such with her and I always write her addressing her by her first name and sign off by giving mine. I get no answers to my questions. I receive no response to my queries and usually it is either a one sentence response or a blistering tirade of screaming and ALL CAPS and underlines and exclamation points!!!! Nowhere in any of my communication from her is my name used at all- like I don’t have one…….it just is either short and nonresponsive or a flaming tirade to some unknown entity. I have a name you know and it is customary for one to write you to use it as I think we covered this in letter structure concept back in junior high school.

I have done everything I can to keep the peace on the name thing such as informing the organizations of my new address and such but sometimes they don’t read (guess it is not a requirement for employment) and send the documents to my old address where my wife still resides and then all hell breaks loose as she sees the name of Melissa on something and goes into another tirade. She is mad because I changed my life insurance documents to reflect my new legal name and does not see how this should be allowed to happen since her name is listed as beneficiary or owner of them. Well here is how it works. Those I own have my old name on them so I changed it to reflect new name even though she is listed as beneficiary (a matter which will soon be corrected believe me ) or they are policies she owns but I am named beneficiary and my name was changed to new name. She is also free to kick me off her policies as well and name a new one as it is a free country. However, this could present a dilemma in as much as she will have to write them and tell them she wishes to drop “Melissa” off the policies as named beneficiaries and that means she will have to write the word “Melissa” on a letter.

Earlier this month she held my new social security card with my new name on it because she was made it came to her due to the clerk’s error. My inability to get this document caused me to be unable to verify it to the bank and they locked down my accounts. Then she goes into a tirade about the fact she cannot cash a check I sent her on my account even though the very reason she could not do so is because of her not sending me the document. I tried to my best to direct documents to my new address but some of the companies did not do so and common courtesy is to send them on in envelope addressed to the person. I got another tirade from her about the name change itself as if I had to somehow secure her permission or that of my adult children to change my legal name to reflect who I truly am and how I live my life. I again make reference to the statement above that this is still a free country and one has a right to change their name so long as it is not done for illegal purposes.

Now for her latest antics she is having her lawyer object to the temporary order which my lawyer prepared at the request of the Judge following the temporary hearing. Most people object to court orders based on the contents of the order itself (you know the meat and potatoes of the order discussing terms and monies and such) but not my wife. She is objecting to the caption on the order itself which reads her name as petitioner versus my old name as respondent and placed in parenthesis afterward are the words (now known as Melissa Marie Alexander) which of course, is the truth. I did not ask my counsel to do this but she tells me that it is common for wives who resume their maiden names to have this listed in parenthesis so she saw no difference simply because I legally changed my name as part of my transition and life fulltime as Melissa as a transgendered person. So here we go spending money on lawyers to litigate over the caption on an order to a case. You talk about throwing money down the drain- this, my friends, is clearly the definition of such frivolity.


I hope someday my wife can let go of the hate and anger and we can become friends so we can work together on such things as our beautiful children who I never see or hear from ever. I begged her to seek counseling and get her feelings out on the table and try to move forward. I offered her the opportunity to come to support group or that I would find resources for her to join such as groups of families of transgendered people so she can share and vent and find ways to heal. However, for us to move forward and begin talking again as people like we did the one week in July when all this came out in the full blown open and to communicate about our children, it will take her making the step to address me by my name – Melissa. We cannot move forward unless we get past the second grade antics and junior high English and she addresses me by my true name as well as my legal one- Melissa. What I think changed after that time in July was she got around family and friends who told her she must fight this and despise me because they cannot deal with transgendered issues and believe people like me should be condemned and fought at every turn and not even afforded even the dignity of our name. I hope someday we can move forward and I hope someday she finds great peace and happiness in her life- but clearly this will take much time and the road we have to travel is long and far. We are stuck at a point on that road where she cannot read, write or say the road sign on it that reads “Melissa” We are stuck at a point where everyone knows my name but her. We cannot take steps to move forward without first recognizing who we are as people that is for sure……..