The Windy City

The windy city with my girl Paula amongst a sea of my sisters – that is the setting which awaits me starting this week as hundreds of transgendered people invade Chicago for the 26th annual Be-all Conference. I am anxious to get there of course but there are many reasons as to why this is so. First of all, Chicago is very cool city with much to see and do and being a girl who is active and out extensively, I do not sit in the hotel when I go on these trips but I always immerse myself in the city, site seeing, museums, shopping, dining, clubbing, and any other thing I can find which interests me! Are the Cubs in town?

Secondly, I feel at home among the plethora of sisters which come to this event and others I have attended. For some of these girls, events like the Be-all, Erie Gala or even SCC provides them with their only opportunity to get out as themselves, for others they provide them with opportunities to get out a bit further and do things as themselves besides running to alternative clubs under the cloak of darkness. Paula and I are of course well past all that but these events do always make me feel I have found home sort of like Rudolph did on the Island of Misfit Toys. While I have been out all over this country and done much as I am express Melissa including work, site seeing, shopping, traveling, theatre and movies and all sorts of things, and I am quite comfortable in the public, no matter how much the public may accept me or tolerate me or even embrace me, they do not understand me like my sisters do. If 500 people come to the Be-all, then I know when I walk in the hotel at least 450 people there understand me and who we are because they are like me. They are my sisters and we have a common bond that most others in society cannot understand. I embrace that bond and I feel the welcome, warmth and understanding that stems from our sisters in the Tg community and I extend that warmth myself. I am part of that circle and I always will be even if I fully immerse myself into fulltime public living as Melissa. A sister will always get a hug from me and, as I said, I like to walk into a place where I know most of the people are like me and understand me although we are all unique people from all walks of life and on various points of the transgender spectrum.

The third reason I like going to the events like the Be-all is I get to see many girlfriends who I only get to see in person once or twice a year because they are from other parts of our vast and diverse country. It is always good to see these people, hug them and catch up on what’s going on in their lives and update them on what is going on in mine and we can all share a few laughs, a cool and tasty beverage and have some fun together. What could be better I ask you? The Be-all also gives me the opportunity to attend a few specifically targeted workshops or seminars I am interested in including one I truly love on creative writing where I have the opportunity to share my thoughts and writings with my sisters. Last year, I also attended sessions on hormones and electrolysis – both of which I am involved with since the New Year began. I plan to attend this year some personal growth sessions as well as a preliminary look at the surgeries that may be involved in my transition in the future. Growth comes from listening and sharing with others.

The fourth reason I like events like the Be-all, SCC and the Erie Gala is that I always meet new sisters and get to know them and chat and exchange thoughts and ideas together. I like meeting new people and getting acquainted with them and I so enjoy meeting new sisters. I met so many new sisters last year at these events and many I have grown close to and shared much with over the past year and I am thankful I had the opportunity to do so. I look forward to meeting many more next week and hopefully making some new friends as well. Let’s face it; can we ever really have enough friends?

The final reason I am looking forward to this year’s Be-all is my love Paula is coming to the event with me this year and we plan to meet and share a ride part of the way into Chicago. It will be the longest period of time her and I have spent together since we commenced our relationship. I have so enjoyed the times we have spent together but they have only been a day here or there or at most a weekend or two but a full week together will be a good barometer for us in our relationship and may give us a bit of the taste of what it would be like if we lived together someday. Hopefully she won’t get sick and tired of me but knowing her, I seriously doubt it. I expect we will both enjoy the experience and have so much fun sharing and meeting others and doing things together in the windy city! Like I said at the start, the windy city with a mass of my sisters in one gathering and making new friends and enjoying time together with Paula all make me feel very good about the week to come. Deep dish Chicago style pizza and chop houses here we come and lets hope the wind is not too strong as we wheel around the city as it can do a lot to mess up a girl’s hair you know ………….

****Addendum: Since I wrote this draft of the blog my love Paula got some news which affected her ability to come to this event. She said she would not go back to work the week of Be-all except for only her old company and they called her back on Friday to start the Tuesday after the holiday weekend so her plans to come and be with me and all are sisters ended. I am disappointed but also am sad because she will miss out on these wonderful things and I know she was looking so forward to coming but work and finances still are important in our society and the reality is many of our plans are disrupted from time to time. We must deal with them and go on. It is just a fact of life which with the death of one of community members recently -Mishy only proves my point that life is not always fair but it is always way too short!

Mirrors, ARF and the death of an Icon

The death of an icon can sometime be sad but the demise of ARF is something I have sought for a long time and it cannot come soon enough. Who or what is ARF? Well, that my friends takes a little bit of background except for a small handful of people who know me now. Additionally, only one member of our community has ever met this character and despite the fact she did, she continued to be friends with the person who portrayed this persona although sometimes I never knew why she ever did. You see folks, ARF is me- although not really me and I feel I may be confusing some at this point so I will start at the beginning…….

As many of you that have read my blogs over the years know I lived most of my life with Melissa stuck inside a shell that has held in and concealed my true essence from the world around me but my emergence over the recent years has eroded that once solid shell to a thin layer of shreds which does not hide who I am as much anymore. Several years ago, I changed careers which helped me not only save my soul but also helped my true essence emerge from the captivity of the shell. However, my current work in the hospitality industry is not how my career life began oh so many years ago. When I was in high school, I always thought about going in the hospitality field but I sensed pressure from others around me that this career would not be sufficient for the dreams of others and I eventually abandoned my pursuit of cooking and the hotel and hospitality industry opportunities and pursued a career which would be more “fitting” the ideas of others- but clearly was not one I was cut out for myself.

After college, I attended and successfully completed law school and was admitted to the bar. I joined a corporate law firm after law school and launched a very successful practice of destroying myself and others while practicing law and reaping the benefits of power, prestige and money that the field enjoys. It was not an easy thing to do and eventually I hit a wall and crashed and I began to realize I could not even get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror any more. Eventually, with some new training and experiences, I changed careers and began working in the hospitality field where I also wanted to be so long ago before I veered into the path of being a blood sucking parasite with a briefcase. (Some of you who have had the opportunity to watch Seinfeld’s the “Bee Movie” will remember the scene at end of movie with the Chris Rock mosquito character)

The was one major problem with me ever attempting to practice law for a corporate law firm is that for one to do so successfully, one must be tough, nasty and a hard as nails SOB- even if one is a woman. To be quite honest, I was never such a person and Melissa could not do this job for sure. Deep down I cared way to much about other people and I loved to create and not destroy but I could not do that and be successful as a lawyer in the dog eat dog, cut throat world of corporate law representing companies through the destruction of the workers of the companies I represented. In fact, I could not show weakness, kindness, tenderness, or emotions such as tears. I instead had to be cold and detached and a heartless bastard and work diligently to aggressively represent my corporate clients in their exploitation of the workers they employed as the company’s labor and employment counsel. This was very difficult to do if I was going to be truly honest as to who I was so my ARF persona was created and he thrived directing my lifeless shell for so many years. ARF stands for Anal Retentive Fuck and that my friends was who I played for the many years as I sold my soul to the devil to be successful at what I did by stealing from “widows and orphans” as the old joke goes.

The ARF was nasty and heartless. My friend Stephanie who was the first transgendered person to reach out to me in the 1990’s said I never smiled and had the look of someone who would not give one damn about doing what was necessary to win a case and I was so uptight it was not even funny. Bus drivers in this town used to try to run me over while I was on the streets and steel workers wanted to run a hot metal beam up my rectum because their companies were some of my clients and I had worked so successfully well to screw them all over while I paraded around as ARF in my grey three piece suits, black wing tip shoes and white button down collared shirts.

People at the firm made jokes about me as I operated as ARF as a cold heartless bastard who would take money from his mother if it meant winning a case for my corporate clients. Now the true caring person who was the real me- Melissa could not live up to being this asshole all the time and there would be times I did many good natured things such as helping the staff frequently and giving them bonuses at the holidays when the firm cut back on them- but I dared not tell anyone there I did those things because then I would show weakness that would be attacked by members of my law firm to carve me up! So the ARF persona continued and continued –day after day! After so long, I could not even look myself in the mirror anymore and I dreaded going to work. Melissa was not like this and I needed to stop pretending to be someone I was not and be who I was both as a person as well as being my true gender. ARF was destroying me and keeping Melissa so tightly wound inside I felt I was sometimes going to explode. I had a choice to make and I made it and I changed careers to doing something I love! While I make a whole lot less money, I am much happier in my work. To be honest, I should have gone this route to start but it is not time for any regrets.

Since the time I switched careers, my friend Stephanie has noticed so much change in me. Melissa, my true self began to emerge and grow, the shell began unraveling and I became calmer, happier, less stressed and more creative. ARF was dying and to be quite honest I think it is safe to say the old icon ARF is dead and no more! I feel, I care, I cry, I love and I embrace. I have my friends to thank as well for helping me emerge as Melissa and to be the caring, tender and loving and creative person I always have been but who was buried in the shell and wrapped in a persona know affectionately now by some as ARF. I kid about this character icon now and then although Stephanie has witnessed its disappearance and has remained my friend through it all …maybe she saw the real me all along ……Paula does not like me to talk about this ugly persona any more than I like for her to discuss her being an “old bitch” as she calls herself. She made an offer to me and the deal was simple …..she won’t bring up OB and I don’t mention ARF…..since neither really apply- I think it’s a good deal and I fully accept …..ARF is dead and I will shed no tears over the death of that icon …long live Melissa! May I shine as her and reflect the glow and warmth of the many true and wonderful friends and sisters I have in our community. It’s good to look in the mirror again!

Chocolate Delights

Chocolate is a dish made by the gods for sure. It is even the subject of one of my intriguingly favorite modern films-“Chocolat”. Some of my fondest childhood memories involve standing on a chair in my mother’s kitchen as I waited till she finished pouring the chocolate batter into the pan and immediately asked if I could like the spoon and bowl of this sweet dark brown flowing delight! I, like most other girls love this delicious rich delectable immensely and I think a true love of chocolate is shared by many true girls both those of the genetic nature and those of us of the transgendered variety. Chocolate melts in your mouth and sends a sensation through me that can almost rival intense passion – almost! I love to make chocolate dishes and treats but most importantly I love to sink my teeth into some just about anytime. Recently, I discovered, although not surprisingly, that my love Paula also enjoys this wonderful pleasure (among many which she enjoys!) as well and it is another wonderful thing we can share and we have as well.

Our first real chocolate experience together came on our first weekend together we spent after the weekend we spent together in which we shared our feelings for each other discussed in our blogs a few weeks ago. On this particular weekend I took Paula to a restaurant in Columbus for dinner which she fell in love with just as I had done last year when I ate there a few times. We enjoyed dinner immensely and we shared good conversation and drinks and a splendid meal. Following the meal, our waiter offered us a choice of desserts and upon hearing them our mutual interests turned instantly to a wonderfully sounding and ultimately decadent chocolate cake with several layers. We decided that although we planned on dancing later, the meal had been quite filling and that we would share a piece of this rich chocolate delicacy. We did not order two plates however and when the plate of this yummy dish arrived Paula and I decided we would do something neither of us had done in a very long time! We took our forks and began taking pieces off this mound of chocolate heaven and feeding it to the other taking turns placing the chocolate in each others mouth and watching the sheer pleasure this delightful offering gave the other. The chocolate melted like a bath of murky sweetness in our mouths and I loved watching the expression on her face as much as I loved tasting it upon her loving offering of it to me. It was truly one of the most intimate acts we had done for each other and somehow I think it will be repeated!
Recently we had another chocolate experience together during one of our recent times together. After a” rough” day of shopping (well I was unable to find a pair of heels I wanted for a dress) we passed a delicious purveyor of chocolate in one of the shops. It did not take an army to get us to quickly turn into this store and examine the treats in the cases below. We studied them well and questioned the clerk and then picked out four little pieces of heaven which she placed in the bag and smiled as she gave them to us. We were driving shortly thereafter and we decided to break into some of this wonderful bag of treats! Upon sitting in the parking lot we each sampled one of them and both us moaned with pleasure as we ate a piece of this wonderful treat. The remaining pieces were saved for later and shared in one of the most erotic evenings we had ever experienced in our young but growing relationship. Let’s just say that we found a few places that one can eat chocolate out of and off of that added a slightly salty taste to the confines of the delicious chocolate treats. Yes indeed- chocolate is the fruit of the gods and I truly love it but my love of Paula has brought me to love it even more! I am trying to expand her culinary interests so I am glad we have this common love of chocolate to share and explore as well! Now- if only I could get her to like sushi!!!

Little Miss Melissa Crocker and the Pillsbury Doughgirl

Ok I will admit the last couple weeks my blogs have been more on the serious side and kind of heavy. Always happens when you talk about things like love and respect of people. Both are great topics and to be quite honest, we could use a lot more of both in our world and in our community. So this week I decided to keep in light and airy like a pastry shell. In fact, I am going to discuss pastry shells and all sorts of decadent, delicious mouth watering treats that one can bake and cook, or as I say “create in the kitchen”, because truth be known, I very much love to cook and bake. Unlike many folks however, I can actually cook and bake and do both exceedingly well! My mother was an extraordinary cook and even more exceptional baker of delectable treats such as cookies, cakes and pies and other pastries. I can remember as a young child watching her work in the kitchen baking and cooking for days for all sorts of things like fundraisers, carnivals, school functions, and of course family events like the holidays and graduations or whatever it may have been although I doubt she needed much excuse to bake or cook. She was outstanding in her element and her creations were raved about in the community. Even some of my friends would connive their way to stay over my house for supper anytime they could for they knew they would be fed exceedingly well! Even at my graduation party where people were partying like there was no tomorrow my mother made oodles of food to eat with our liquor and beer and odd sundries of partying fun!
When I was young I studied mom in the kitchen as much as I studied her dress and use of accessories in her fashion and I learned from her some of the baking and cooking secrets and I absorbed them like a sponge. I would assist mom in making of her culinary projects and my skills sharpened as I did. I learned little tricks and the use of proper tools, mixers, pots and pans and most importantly for cooking the secrets to seasoning and sauces! I honed these skills form time to time under her tutelage and then on my own. College life, while being a time of much denial for expression of Melissa, did lead to apartment life and apartment life did provide me opportunity to hone even further my cooking and baking skills! I, unlike many other college students did not live on pizza and beer……....well beer maybe but I cooked and baked and even fed the neighbors from time to time and the fact they were nice young, blonde and brunette coeds was of no consequence! They loved my cooking and baking and I could even con them into doing the dishes from time to time.
When I got married my wife admitted she was not a good cook (just average) and a very poor baker. In fact, she will freely admit to anyone who will listen that I am the far better chef than she is or ever was. When we entertain, I do about 90 % of the cooking and baking for the party or dinner we were hosting for friends. When birthdays roll around no one around here would have a cake if it was not for me. Holiday cookies would be non existent if we had to rely on her and I bake normally somewhere between six to ten different types of made from scratch cookies for the holidays. When I worked in office at the holidays most of the staff hinted for weeks how much they would love to get tin or two of my pastries and I always obliged. Mom would have been proud of me with regard to my cooking and baking skills. In fact, when she died my brother insisted I take the three large boxes of recipes from her collection – some of which contained hand me downs from my grandmother who was an impressive chef herself. The keys of course to cooking are creativity, the right tools and the use of sauces and seasonings that bring the food alive in your mouth! Maybe someday I will host the first transgendered cooking and baking show – The Transgendered Chef ….. I can see it now as I stroll about the kitchen in my pink hat and apron discussing the use of fresh herbs from the garden. Maybe I may own a nice cozy bed and breakfast someday and cook and bake for the guests each morning wonderful delightful dishes and pastries and watch the smiles roll over their faces. Who knows what the future holds but one thing is for sure, I do love to cook and bake and I do it pretty darn well if I must say. Below are a couple recipes…one of mine own creations and one from my grandmother passed down to me from my mother. Enjoy…. Bon Appetite’
(A Melissa favorite)
Sautéed Shrimp and Artichokes over angel hair pasta
Prepare angel hair pasta according to directions although I recommend using the wheat pastas.
Dice up 1 red and 1 yellow pepper until they are into small slivers.
Add one can of chopped black olives
Take and cut up into pieces two cups of shitake mushrooms
Next cut up into about eighths some fresh if you can find it or can if you can’t, artichoke hearts.
Pour the cut up vegetables into a large sauce pan and stir in butter and olive oil. Add in some small teaspoons of cilantro, oregano, garlic, chopped onion, black pepper, celery seed and rosemary leaves. Pour in just a dash of hot sauce. Cook until all vegetables are done but not soggy. Pour the vegetables into strainer with bowl below. Pour contents of bowl back into skillet and cook shrimp with shell and tail off until done (only takes a few minutes. Pour the vegetables back in and cook all the ingredients a few minutes more. Serve over the angel hair pasta. Spread on grated cheese and parsley
Grandmother’s Sauerkraut Balls
Grind one half pound of ham and one half pound of pork sausage and add in 1 medium yellow onion choppedand1 tsp of parsley. Sauté all of these ingredients until brown. Add in2 cups of flour and 2 cups of milk, 1 tsp of salt and 1 tsp of dry mustard. Cook until thick. Add in 2 lbs of sauerkraut drained and chopped. Form mixture into balls and roll in flour, dip in beaten egg and roll into bread crumbs. Deep fry the sauerkraut balls at 370 degrees. These can be dipped into cocktail sauce as well