Courage and Dignity against theTransgendered Blues

Well my world got rocked this week and the wounds really dug in deep because my smug little you –know –what thought it would not happen to me in my profession. I faced and lost a battle with transgendered discrimination and the loss of revenue associated with it hurt-but what hurt even more was the indignity in the manner it was presented so underhandedly and that I did not see it coming. Several years ago when I started into my new profession I began doing some independent contract work for various companies in which you can go onto their job boards to find work in your geographic areas. I did so as a means to get more experience and bring in some income. One of the groups assigned me to a project in which the main planner had screwed up immensely and I commented on the same but offense was taken to my comments to the logistics. A week or two latter the organization that had contracted with me contacted me and said client did not want me working on her projects anymore. The organization said it was no big deal and that she was a difficult client and there were plenty of other clients to work for and I later found out the client subsequently fired the organization I contracted with because the client had troubles working with its staff.
This incident occurred three and half years ago and nothing more was ever said about this matter. In fact, I was told not to worry about it as they knew the client was touchy and difficult to work with on projects. I continued to do work for the organization without any further complaints or problems on a regular basis during remainder of 2005, all of 2006 and 2007 and first half of 2008. Of course, I was working at that time as my male persona hiding the real me beneath the shell. After I came out fully, I informed the organization and others that I was transgendered and was in transition and would be working as Melissa –who I really was and I sent them documentation of name change and other information. I did the same for other contract organizations as well as clients. One client chose to end any relationship and another had to cut back because of economy even before I told them. However, the three other organizations initially said they had no problem with it and changed the information. The one who I had experienced the minor incident with in 2005 assigned me work last fall which I did for their client without incident as had been practice for years and all paperwork was completed and filed in timely manner and as usual I was dressed professionally- albeit as Melissa and pleasant and helpful throughout the functions. No complaints were noted but evidently some of the male reps of client I did the work for figured out who I use to be and expressed some “discomfort” with me doing their projects. The organization did not tell me this but decided to handle it another way. A few weeks after the projects I was no longer finding any jobs posted on their board. I knew the economy was not great so I gave it sometime but after a couple months I wrote to the organization and inquired about this weird phenomenon. Two days later, in February of 2009, I received a letter which had been sent overnight to me stating my contract with them had been terminated because of the incident which happened in 2005. Now I am no rocket scientist for sure but I am also not stupid and know that something that was not important for three years does not suddenly become important three and half years later only after I announce my transition and do work for them as Melissa. The indignity is that they should have told me the truth and not played the silly game of first altering their website so I could not see positions available and then sending me a letter indicating termination based upon that something no one thought was that big a deal back in 2005! Terminate me for being transgendered for God’s sake- it’s not like we have any protections in this country beyond a few state and local laws. They accomplished their goal…get rid of the “freak” who makes some of their people “uncomfortable” but they did it without being upfront and honest about it.
I may have not been so taken back by their egregious actions which cost me income if I did not begin to sense some others acting in same way. I received a job assignment from another organization last week on one day and then in 24 hours suddenly the work assignment was no longer needed by the client. Then my professional organization chapter which I have served on the Board of Directors for two years acts very strangely and was sort of surprised I wanted to remain on the Board next year because they thought I needed time away from the Board to deal with my transition and surgeries which have not interfered at all with my duties and responsibilities. What really bothers me the most is I thought my profession, being nearly 90 % women, would be an easier one to transition in than most. I was wrong indeed! I was a bit smug thinking I was above the fray of the common industrial workplace and office settings and dealing with so many educated professionals as a professional -but I forgot that the organizations are still run by men and in reality discrimination against those of us in the transgendered community is so prevalent that many so called “open minded” people just can’t deal with a concept that many see as so radical such as changing one’s physical anatomy to fit one’s inner soul and essence and men in particular – in fear and sometimes in questioning of their own masculinity issues, cannot see why another “man” would “chose” to not be masculine and actually want to step down the ladder as they see it and live and work as a woman who earns less than a man. All of this comes on the heels of my desperate attempt to find health insurance after facing three rejections because I was transgendered. I finally found one on the fourth try but they refuse to cover anything and now seem content on tearing apart my medical history for last three years because I asked them to pay for a routine doctor’s office visit. Additionally, they also proffer the indignity of addressing all my correspondence to me as “Mr.” How indignant and rude and insulting is this?
The enactment of the ENDA legislation would help the situation immensely but I fear that somehow –someway, the transgendered community will find itself excluded from the bill in the end and left alone to defend itself with only few people to continue the struggle for dignity, rights and respect that all human beings are entitled to in this country as many in community run and scatter and stay hidden in their shells in fear and others trying desperately to life in cloak that is not truly possible and pretending like they have always been known as a woman without any other life before the transition. I don’t blame them considering that nearly 70% of the fulltime transitional transgendered community is unemployed. Some of my friends out there may say I chose this life and that I and others like me knew we were going to face consistent discrimination and that we should have stayed hidden in our shells and appeared only part time in the comfort of functions with other transgendered people. I gave up the comforts of living the life of a male with a family and a job and welcomed in society to be who I truly am but someone that most people don’t want to have to deal with. In other words, for me – keep pretending I am someone else I am not –living a life as a lie and working in the male-dominated society as a male. First of all, I did not “choose” this life any more than I chose being transgendered. I decided I would rather live life as I truly was instead of frustrated in a shell and pretending I was someone I was not to make others happy while I suffered great pain and anguish. If I somehow lose it all and have no income to live on whatsoever in my life after I transition fully, I will never go back to the lies and live my life in any shell pretending I am someone I am not- ever! Frankly, I would rather die living on the street as Melissa than ever go back to living the lie inside the shell just to make everyone else happy including those who run our society and many of its organizations or even my family who has tossed me away like some unwanted piece of garbage!
I have my dignity…I have my soul…I have someone who loves me for who I am in Paula and I have my friends, sisters and brothers in the community and the LGBT community at large and a few that found the courage to accept me for who I am from my old life inside the shell. I would not trade that for any job at any salary if I had to live my live as a lie and pretend I am someone I am not just to make others in society happy and “comfortable”. I decided I will either make it as Melissa who I really am with Paula by my side or I will go down swinging as Melissa living my life with dignity as my true essence and face whatever discrimination, hatred and prejudice await me in whatever life I have left! Courage and dignity requires nothing more or nothing less and courage and dignity may not pay the bills but they clearly free the soul!

Seasons......like life

I don’t know about the rest of you but I have grown tired of winter. I know there are some out there that actually like winter and look forward to it. Yes, I know one can go ice skating and skiing and other such activities during the winter months. Some people just love snow and that is fine but it is not my cup of tea for sure. I grow tired of winter not too long after the Christmas decorations have been put away and the New Year’s festivities have ended. Winter is dreary; the days seem so short and night so long. Grey skies are commonplace and it is often bitterly cold and the snow often becomes massively accumulated and intermixed with ice and sleet. Travel is more difficult including flying.
I find by the time Valentine’s Day comes and goes that I am nearly ready to scream and cannot wait until that first warm day in spring when the sun’s rays hug my body and make me feel alive again. It feels so good to my body and awakens my dark cold slumber and shakes off the effects of a long cold winter. Sometimes I like to go in search of that crazy rodent in Pennsylvania who seemingly every year sees his blasted shadow and predicts six more weeks of winter – like he really cares- he is snuggled asleep underground where it is warm and cozy. He probably always predicts more winter just to get revenge on us humans who insist on dragging him from his long winter’s slumber in warmth just for some display on a day named after him. Thank God it is February is a short month and March is ahead of us- maybe spring is not far behind.
Spring brings some rain for sure but it also brings warmer days and longer days and a better hope that when you wake up the day will have some sunshine and temperatures will soar into the 60’s and the birds will sing and sitting outside for breakfast becomes possible. Spring is followed by summer which can be intense in the humidity that is prevalent around here but the days are warm and usually sunny and the days are longer and travel is easier. Summer leads to fall which is a favorite of mine except it is followed by the ugliness of winter! Fall brings dry crisp warm days and cool but not cold nights- a true delight. However, without winter, appreciation of spring and its rebirth and summer and its long sunny days and fall with its rich clearness and colorful display would not be possible. Just a few more weekends and it will be St. Pats Day which is always a good reason to celebrate the fact that winter’s expiration is only a few days away and spring’s rebirth is on its way. This winter was special for me this year because of my travel to the even colder Northeast to undergo my facial feminization surgery which brought about the rebirth of my face to more readily reflect the femininity of Melissa but like winter and its slow progression towards spring I still am working through the effects of this surgery. Stitches still reside inside my mouth making it difficult to clear my food and my lips are still trying to relax and permit me to enunciate certain sounds better and the rhinoplasty still makes me sound like I have a constant sinus infection and a way too nasally sound in my voice. My skin and jaw still feel tight. I still have some swelling often get an itch on my head but while I can sense the itch I cannot even feel much of my finger scratching the itch and it too feels tight. I seem to get just a little better each day and soon when weeks and months have passed and the warmth of spring is upon us all, I will feel more comfortable and things will still have settled and I will look like a rebirth has occurred in my face just as it does when spring awakens us from our long grey dreary slumber of winter. This spring will also be another period of rebirth for me. For just as I grow comfortable form the increasingly longer warmer days of spring and my face and head settles into a comfort like that of spring, I will undergo yet another procedure or two that will finally bring my body into peace with my soul, my essence and my true inner self. This rebirth will be followed by long days of summer in which time I will learn more about my new body which will be the one I should have been born with but which I know little about. It will also be a time for reflection and growth as a woman but the long warm days of summer will provide that opportunity for me so that when my fall comes I am basking in its colors and enjoying its warmth and briskness and hopefully by then preparing myself for the winter to come and maybe it won’t be so bad after all……one never knows…..

Pictured above is Paula and I at the Valentine's Day Dinner and Dance

Confidence is the Key

Does anyone feel this country is not in a deep recession? Jobless rates continue to rise and the economy is stalled. Houses are not being built, bought or sold and the stock market has devastated many investments and retirement accounts. Large financial institutions are in serious crises and some of the remaining few manufacturing industries in this land such as our automobile industry are on the verge of collapse. My friends we have definitely seen better times for our beleaguered county. Even the world economy is suffering. This recent economic disaster is one that has been a long time coming for sure! Look at our economy over the last forty years. We don’t really make anything in this country anymore and we have not done so for a while. There was a time when we made almost everything-electronics, appliances, cars, shoes, clothes and even most of our food products. Take a look at your groceries sometime. Many come from other parts of the world. We import almost every item that was once made here in this country. We are told we have become a “service Industry” economy but if no one makes anything here how much service type jobs can you really have in your society.
Another major problem is huge debt. Consumer debt is rampant and many people are tied into credit card and loan debts that foreclose opportunities to use the money elsewhere- thus adding to the problem! We have little money to invest and save and when we do the earnings if there are any are taxed by a government that spends way beyond its limits instead of using that money to create jobs, retain jobs and stimulate our economy. Financial institutions are no better off and Congress is throwing money at them in order to starve off disasters of collapses which will only serve to weaken our economy even further and drive our deep recession into a depression. The greed and corruption of many business and their decisions to exploit impoverish foreign workers by taking their production offshore has crippled this county and its fragile economy.

However, you know what the major factor that drives our economy as has done so for many years? It is what really keeps it going although the points I raised above have clearly caused the problems we face today in our society. Our economy, its currency and the growth of economy through jobs, production, housing starts and the like essentially are driven by one major factor- confidence! The people have lost faith in their country, business, the government and our economy and even our money. The loss of confidence leads to further erosion of the strength of economy on top of the issues I discussed above. The economy would pick up and recover merely by the people having more faith and confidence in it and believe that things will get better and that we can get ourselves righted. However, it is hard to have faith in our economy and system when everything looks so bleak and fear captures us from all that we see around us.
Sometimes I like to think it is like the old adage of the chicken or the egg- which came first? We are expected to stimulate the economy by having confidence in ourselves and our economy yet there is little going on now to give us that confidence to take the first step in doing so and yet without such confidence we cannot begin to recover, we cannot begin to find answers, save our institutions, redefine our government’s thinking on building a stronger economic base and gain more confidence to further steer our country and its economy out of a path of destruction. We are expected to have blind faith and take the first steps to show confidence without much around us to support us. In reality we have nothing but faith to rely on to show that our confidence will be rewarded. Our currency really runs on blind faith. We went off the gold standard ions ago and in reality the value of the dollar has more to do with how much we believe it is worth than anything else. Confidence in our monetary system is what really drives the system and yet it still has value. Somehow, we must harness that same concept for our economy as well. If we have no faith that our economy can recover and rebuild and in our government and institutions, investments or even in ourselves then how can be expected to ever find solutions to the problems that confront us and starve off total collapse of our economy and our country and in turn ourselves. The question is who will take this first step. It must be our political and corporate leaders who must learn that politics and practices as usual will not be acceptable any longer to solving these deep economic problems and restoring our confidence in our systems and in our economy and ultimately in ourselves.

Life in Transistion

Life is transitional. I am in transition as a transgendered person living life as the woman I always have been but for the wrong equipment at birth. Even our new government is in transition with the inauguration of Barak Obama as our 44th President of the United States. Finally, my face is in transition following the assault on my face in Boston (see previous blog) as part of my FFS procedures performed about two weeks ago and its slow recovery. I read the other day where a poll taken after Barak’s first week in office revealed a 92% approval rating. Of course, I am wondering why a poll need to be taken on the approval rating of a President who has been barely able to have his furniture put in his new home or a cabinet meeting where all the cabinet members are actually present as some have not even been confirmed. As I viewed the poll, I often wonder why 8% of the population already has a negative rating of a man who has barely gotten use to his new digs or his role in office. Are these the same 8% of the people that actually believed George Bush was doing a great job despite the disaster in our economy, the 7 years of war in Iraq, and his insistence on violating or denying rights of people like me or others in the LGBT community. Maybe so- but maybe these same people are the same ones who want instant gratification on everything and expected these massive issues to be resolved within 24 hours of Mr. Obama taking occupancy in the White House. They believe in instant gratification or satisfaction of the first sip of beer or wine or when they play a game or do an activity for the first time. If does not arrive in minutes, the gratification can never occur for them despite how much they paid for the food, drink, activity, appliance or game. These people want it yesterday and patience is not one of their virtues for sure.

When one is in transition as a transgendered person, the same principles apply. Transition involves so many different aspects. Counseling, hormones, laser or electrolysis, hormone therapy as well as surgeries, name changes and simply learning to live in a manner completely contrary to the indoctrination given to the transgendered person because the anatomy we were born with although as we find out- unwontedly! I truly learn new things everyday and I doubt that is going to stop at all after I finish my surgeries and my anatomy finally comes in sync with my soul and spirit. One must welcome the new concepts and give them time to sink in and become functional for themselves just as this country needs to give its new leader a time to learn and work up solutions with a new direction for this country. A transgendered person cannot ever think that he or she has arrived merely because they undergo treatment and surgeries and hormones. A MtoF TS does not wake up the day after GRS and become a woman…..they- like me have been one all their life but faced it with the wrong upbringing and anatomy and it takes time to adapt to new parts and new ideas that will follow them for many, many years. Being in transition is a life-long process and requires one to keep an open mind and adapt and learn …it is growth…it requires patience….it is a never-ending process for a transgendered person and even all people in general.

Having recently undergone my facial feminization surgery I have found my face and head in great transition. Many times when someone undergoes this process they expect to wakeup or over the week post –op to see radical changes to their face and the perfect feminine face smiling back at them when they look in the mirror. I will admit that a few hours last week I expected the same and when I did not see it, I began to get down on myself and my partner Paula. In reality, the changes that take place in one’s face after this radical and complicated procedure occur over a long, slow process requiring one to be patient and adapt as things physically move forward in transition of one’s face. Experts will tell you that it is almost a year before the changes come pretty close to complete and even then there are still minute ones that occur. I radically altered six parts of my face and head to appear more feminine and the parts need to settle and adapt and transition. There will be further changes everyday and each week of the next year or so as things shape into form and place. In a sense, my face is in transition very much like my body, my mind, my attitude and even like our new President.
I could take a poll on my new face and I think it would most likely receive a negative rating –probably with me even voting that way as well. However, I have not given it a fair chance…there will many settlements and changes and nuances to come as my face lives in transition just like me and just like my life and my government and society in general. Life is transition and transition is life and in order to adapt to the changes, one must have patience, persistence, adaptability, perseverance, courage and a willingness to adapt, grow and think outside pre-established boxes.


Now for an update ………….first Paula kicked my bottom from one end of the hotel room to the other in our marathon game of gin rummy during my recovery winning by over five hundred points. She is a card shark for sure. I am sending her to Vegas to win the money for our remaining surgeries.

I finally got to take a complete hot shower for the first time since January 22nd on Sunday February 1st. I had been doing some baths and partial showers but because of the head wrap and stitches real, full showers with shampoo and conditioner had to wait till then and my ole my did it ever feel so very good! Sometime simple pleasures can be a true joy when you have not been able to enjoy them for a while that is for sure!

The last couple days in Boston we went out site seeing and taking in sites such as Faneuil Hall, the old North Church, USS Constitution, Bunker Hill, Boston Commons, Lexington and Concord and Salem. I ate my first real substantial meal out on Saturday January 31st at the Union Oyster House- the oldest restaurant in America. The sites are great but I also had forgotten about the attitude of Northeasterners since I had not been here in so long. The people are generally rude and pushy and very impatient. They cannot wait for anything and cut you off driving in heartbeat or even if you are standing in line. They lack many common courtesies. It’s a definite rudeness that purveys their nature that is not found in Midwest, the South or the West coast for sure. I am not sure why this is to be honest but Paula picked up on it right away too and it was her first time in the NE.

The picture taken above is NOT one of me taken after the surgery…that will come in a week or so and maybe by next blog……remember it’s a work in transition as I am still swollen and bruised in places. The picture above is one of Paula and I taken at my last decent meal the night before my surgery at a restaurant entitled Houston’s in Boston. Food after that point until we went out the last couple nights consisted mainly of chopped meat, applesauce, pudding, broths and soups and soft noodles.