SCC through my Years

In 2006, things were a lot different for me, and so was my experience at the annual gathering in Atlanta know as Southern Comfort Conference (SCC). During that time, I was still very much part time and exploring my feelings and trying to make sense of all that was going on in my emergence as my true self-Melissa. I still believed any solution to my dilemma was not possible or likely and I used the brief times I could express my real self at conferences and weekend trips as simply that- a time to be myself and meet others at these events like me and get to know my community as they say. In 2007, I again attended SCC but by this time I had already decided I had to transition to live my live as Melissa and I had already begun counseling and in a holding pattern because of my children nearly finishing school. I really enjoyed SCC that year because I was a bit more active in doing things and meeting people than I had been the year before although I had grown in confidence and understanding of what was going on inside me and the direction I was headed. I spent more time at the conference attending all sorts of the workshops on the issues I was going to be initially dealing with such as coming out to family and friends, electrolysis and laser and hormone replacement therapy (HRT). The conference really aided in much of this development on these issues.

By the time the SCC 2008 had rolled around, I was now living fulltime with my new legal name and separated from my family and living life with Paula as she travelled to SCC with me. I renewed old acquaintances with friends in my community- some who I only get to see once a year. I watched the sadness in some of the part timers who left the conference going back to a world they lived in but were not really all that happy in while I was living life fulltime and deep in the throngs of transition. Since HRT and electro and such were already well under way, the seminars I attended then focused on those to come – meeting and hearing from presenters who perform the Facial Feminization and gender confirmation surgery or GRS. I left SCC with the selection of Dr. Spiegel to perform my FFS and I had narrowed my choices to two to perform the GRS and a couple months later, I selected and booked the procedures with Dr. McGinn. SCC 2008 was fun filled but educational process for me and for Paula as well.

Last weekend I returned from the fourth such conference- the 2009 SCC. This year I had concluded all of my physical transitional process and was living- the 2009 SCC. This year I had concluded all of my physical transitional process and was living pretty well as Melissa other than the absence of my children who I love dearly. The workshops I attended were focused on post transitional issues such as relationships, finding balance, career development and one really cool one on Post-op organisms! This year, I myself was a presenter of a workshop which I thoroughly enjoyed giving and which was nicely attended and filled with many questions. However, the experience at SCC was more surreal in that I gleaned the best experiences from my interaction with several people and not from the workshops or events and social activities.

On the night of my arrival, I had a very lovely chat with a genetic woman in the lounge of the hotel over dinner and a couple drinks. She paid me a high compliment in her mistaken conceptualization of me as a genetic woman but I quickly set her straight. She and I talked about many things and she was curious as a business traveler in town for the evening as to learn about SCC and my life as a transgendered woman. She asked if I minded answering some personal questions which I did happily for her and she learned about all my surgeries in great detail and we even shared one in both of us had done the breast augmentation. I told her about my journey and life now with my partner Paula and she so enjoyed talking with me on parting she gave me a big hug and wished me well in my life. It was a great start to SCC and it did not involve a participant to the conference. I also spent a good deal of time with my friends Ally and Erica – both of whom have decided to book the GRS procedures with Dr. McGinn. (Ally came to first SCC in 2008 and it was her first time out ever) I even spent a day with Keri- the girl who had her surgery the day after Paula and who through that process I met in New Hope this summer. (Keri attended SCC in 2007 and that also was her first time out in public) The other part of time was hanging with Kate Lynn and Lindsey who I first met during the time of my surgeries back in May. I also had an opportunity to chat again with Chloe about some things happening in her life after the show on ABC Primetime.

I got the chance to chat with a nice transgendered couple from California who shared their life and love together with me and also in discussion of the material covered in the post-op orgasm workshop. A real highlight for me was finally getting to meet an old classmate of mine from law school at WVU who I had not seen in twenty- four years. Dorothy and I connected on Facebook and we had planned the meeting ever since I found out I would be going to present at the conference this year. It was such a pleasure meeting her and her husband and daughter who practices law with her. We went out to eat and had some drinks and she got to meet many of my sisters in the community. I really enjoyed seeing her again and I think she enjoyed seeing and meeting the real me and not the tightly wound soul she knew so long ago. She told me I looked happier than she ever remembered me. I truly enjoyed this delightful experience!

The last day of conference was Sunday which was a travel day and since I had a late flight to the airport I made the poor decision to take the MARTA to the airport and for the first time traveling as a woman and transwoman I was a frightened by the experience of a drunk homeless man who had decided to harass me and insult me and in all honesty made me feel very vulnerable to harassment and physical assault. I could not wait for the subway stop at the airport and he proceeded to follow me to the elevators again shouting at me and embarrassing me and trying to ridicule me – based on his misperceptions of me and his staggering drunkenness! Needless to say I was glad to reach the confines of the airport and it taught me a valuable lesson about traveling as a woman and transwoman for which I have added to my education from SCC. However, it is interesting to note that the best experiences, and one that was the worst- but which provided me an opportunity to learn from, I had in Atlanta at SCC this year had little, if anything, to do with the conference itself which is so vastly different from the years before! The activities of the days this year at SCC left me with a disconnected feeling and a sense of reflection of how far I had come from my early days with SCC a few years back. Education takes on many untraditional forms these days for sure. I have grown and I continue to do so as a person. The question is whether, other than seeing some old friends in my community, will SCC continue to provide me with these learning experiences? Let’s put it this way- SCC 2010 may be first one I miss and I know this- if I do go- I am not taking MARTA!

The "L" Word

Shooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhh……….…….Say the letter softly when you are transgendered woman- even if the letter applies to you. You know what letter I am talking about ……………….the infamous “L” word. For you see, I am a part of that community as well even if the other genetic born members of the community don’t always see it that way. Too often when those of us in the transgendered community speak to people about who we are and our life we get many questions focused not on our gender identity issues but wrapped up in our sexuality. Most of us try to explain that one’s gender identity and one’s sexuality are separate and distinct subjects and the mere fact that one is transgendered does not define whether they will be straight, bi, gay or part of the “L” community. Gender identity is just that – how one self identifies themselves as to their gender even if vastly different than the physical parts provided at birth based on the inner soul and essence of being. I always identified as female. I transitioned my outer appearance and body through, presentation, hormones, laser, electro and three surgical procedures to get it to fit my inner self and present myself as the woman I always knew I was in my heart, soul and mind. Sexual orientation is a separate entity based on who I am attracted to as woman.

So as a woman in my heart, soul and mind and now my body to match it, my attraction sexually has been to other women. Even when I lived the other life inside the shell I always imaged myself as a woman making love and intimate with other woman. To me, nothing can come close to the touch, passion and intimacy that is experienced in being with another woman- even if I am one myself. However, that makes me part of the “L” word. I am now involved in a loving beautiful and committed relationship with my partner Paula who like me is also woman and a transwoman. She always felt inside her misfit body that she was a woman in heart mind and soul and she has spent her time transitioning her body to fit this essence as well much in the same manner as I did over the years. When we met and began our friendship which blossomed over a year or so into a wonderful romance we always saw the other for whom we really were and the shells as merely work in progress. Our love for each other blossomed and grew and we helped each other through the last parts of the physical transitional process. We are committed to each other and although we have our disagreements from time to time like any couple does we work through them as two women who care and love each other. Next month we will celebrate our love in a union/ commitment ceremony at our church with our wonderful friends. Two women in love with each other and wanting to be together as partners in this life together makes us part of the “L” community as it should be.

However, both of us have encountered some “less than understanding” members of the “L” word who have looked down upon us and even a few that have been outright hostile to us and clearly do not see us as members of the “L” community- although I am not always sure where they see us as being. We have developed many friends who are part of the “L” community and many of whom are helping us celebrate our wedding and many of whom I could not imagine my life without them being a part of it. I know many who were curious about Paula and I and our life as transgendered woman and our love for each other as women. We always have been open with anyone who asks about it. We have shared our stories, our transition and our surgeries with many in the “L” as we believe that only by sharing and discussing it with others can growth and understanding take place. We have also shared with many of our sisters our love for each other and at least in our assessment our feelings about being part of the “L’ word.

I am sure that many in the “L” scene long ago believed that you are “born woman” and being part of the “L” community meant that you must be a genetic born woman which left many of us in the transgendered community scratching our head sometimes. As we see it, we were “born woman” but somebody put the wrong body parts on us as if playing a sick and cruel joke on us which we struggle with, deal with and finally come to grips with in our transitions to adjust this mix up at the beginning. Many in the “L” community have long since left that old way of thinking anyway and have themselves grown and many are our friends today who have enriched our lives so very deeply!

However, there are some old school thinkers still among the “L” scene. The Ohio “L” Festival welcomes all womym including those who are transgendered. So does the Women’s Music Festival (Wimfest) and we find that so refreshing and enlightened. In contrast in Michigan for example, at the woman’s music festival, transgendered woman are not welcome at all. Right here in Columbus there is a group known as the Lavender Sisters which even ironically meets at our church each month which is a group in the “L” community which does not accept those of us unfortunate enough to be born with the wrong body parts despite the inner essence of who we are as woman. With these groups and other hardliners in the “L” word it is as if judgment is to be made on genetics or physical things instead of the soul and spirit and heart of the person. Should we judge someone with a birth defect on their body as not being worthwhile and look past their soul, their spirit and value as a being because of this? Of course not, but we sometimes do and it does not make it right.

This weekend Paula and I will venture to the Ohio festival where we will be exhibiting on behalf of TransOhio and conducting workshop about our lives, our transitions and our love for each other as two women and the belief in our view at least that we are part of the “L” community. We will welcome and address any and all questions as part of a dialog and exchange that we hope will further help those sisters in the “L” community understand more about transgendered women and our lives together as two women who love each other and explaining why we believe that we are part of the “L” word and hoping that our presence and sharing may open the hearts and minds of a few of our sisters about us and our presence in this “L” community. We look forward to being at the festival and meeting our sisters and experiencing a festival that celebrates womanhood!

Thanks to all our wonderful friends who have grown with us in this belief and thanks to those who have asked and shared and accepted us as part of the “L” community” and to those of you who have not yet done so, we ask that you keep the possibility open and engage us in discussion about it and hopefully with an open mind. Maybe sometime down the road we can work some things out and reach a meeting of the minds. In the meantime, Paula and I will enjoy being part of the “L” word ……. But we will just keep “L” hushed for now.

Teacher, Teacher

You remember those days when you would walk into the classroom of your first day of class back in school- whether it was high school or college and got your first look sometimes at the person who would be teaching the course that semester. You sometimes wondered who that teacher was and what brought them there to teach you (why in the world would anyone want to teach) but mostly you wondered what kind of teacher they were going to be – interesting, hard, demanding, easy- going? Were they friendly? How much could you get away with in their class? Most of time, however, you never wondered who they use to be. It is a different when you are the one standing behind the podium as the instructor responsible for the teaching process and you are actually wondering in your mind whether any of the students are actually wondering who use to be –at least on the outside by appearance.

Today was a huge day for me to stand in that classroom and present myself to a bunch of young people from Generation Y who think and learn so vastly different and may be missing just a tad bit of the respect factor those of us who were educated as Baby Boomers or early Gen-xers. Today I had to stand in front of a bunch young people who question and challenging everything and wonder if that certain question might come sometime during the class. I love to teach and it is not the first time I have done so. I taught many seminars in my days of practicing law on various topics and I have actually stood behind that podium before for seven years as an Adjunct Faculty teaching. If the students will open their minds and participate and be willing to learn I feel I can offer much to them and maybe help them grow or even spark some drive in them. I can learn a lot from teaching as well as I truly believe interacting with younger people helps keep you young yourself and you too can learn much from them – especially if it involves technology. Most of these students have grown up all their life with technology from time they toddled into preschool. It’s almost scary how much the world has been turned upside down by technology in the last 15-20 years and the young people of the newest generations have absorbed every bit of it. Heck I was happy with touch tone phones and color TVs. Today my “cell phone” has more “apps” on it than I have shoes and I am not entirely convinced that somewhere in the device are not the launch codes for our country’s defenses or the secrets to the mystery of human civilization.

I was interviewed twice for the position and had to do a practice teach and evidently the faculty were impressed with the same and they offered me the position. However, on no fewer than four documents did I have to “out” myself to my new employer during the employment paperwork process. Transgendered people always love those questions that ask “Have you been known by any other name? “ Let’s see…hmmmm….and gees it does not exactly fit my present presentation or any of my legal documents today. But I will give them credit, they hired me anyway. Maybe they see a talent in me that has only seen a glimpse of light here and there over the years but maybe shines a bit more radiantly now that that dreary old shell has been torn away to reveal the real me.

The question of the day however, is whether the students see that light or whether they care that that old shell was once there. Even more frightening is whether I can keep their interest in world where their learning is fragmented and pans way beyond mere lectures. I have sought to invoke technology in my lesson plans in research projects and various A/V aides including power point and such. I also plan to segment the class into different activities such as class discussion and groups and guest speakers and even in-class simulations. I will put my all into this process and hopefully my love of teaching will show and carry the day against the rumblings of questions that may fill their minds about who this teacher is and more importantly who she use to be at least in outward presentation.

Today I stood before this group of young people as my true self without barriers and tried to stimulate them to enjoy and be active in politics and governments. I even had one student already tell me she had failed the class twice and would need my help to pass it. I told I would do so and I plan to keep my word and help anyone who is willing to try so she can succeed in her endeavors. That is what teachers do and I intend to be that type of teacher. I can learn a lot form young people just as they can learn from me and maybe we both will grow. I smiled the whole time I was at the podium and cracked a few jokes and tried to get them excited about the subject. I really did enjoy the experience and feel if given the opportunities I can be successful. Teaching can be stressful and troubling at times but it can be rewarding. I remember when I taught before and it was a good thing when a student came up and said that the class was challenging but interesting or years later if one came up to me and told me that learned a lot in my class and it helped them in their career. The pay is not great in teaching and should be better but that is a whole another blog in itself but money is not everything and there are rewards way beyond monetary ones in the teaching profession.

All I ask is that the school and students give Melissa a chance and do not make judgments about me simply because my spirit once contained itself trapped in another vessel and who I use to be physically. Time will tell and if the paperwork does not bury me alive I may just have found something I enjoy doing with my life and honestly may be pretty good at doing. Well it is time to go prepare some lesson plans and assignments and fill out paperwork. Time will indeed tell for this teacher and whether I will be successful and given that chance and I have already begun preparing myself for the role if it does ……oh teacher… “is that material going to be on the test?” Hmmmm…….I just went over that three times and told you to remember this point and it was in my power point and my handouts and highlighted in the book…..what do you think??

Love and the Wedding Planner

It is something that a few years ago I would never have convinced myself that I would be doing for something that I am personally involved in that is for sure. I have training and education in meeting and event planning which did include wedding planning but in my previous experience of running my meeting and event planning company I can honestly say I did not have any clients requesting wedding planning services and my areas of work focused on conventions and conferences, exhibitions, meetings and business development functions. It’s not that I would not have enjoyed doing wedding planning it’s just that I was never asked to do so and probably for some very stereotypical reasons which really weren’t applicable anyway!

However, ever since Paula and I decided that we would do a commitment ceremony/ union to consummate our love publicly among our wonderful friends I have been engaged full throttle in the wedding planning process. Although we cannot by current law in the state of Ohio which has a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage legally marry each other and receive the same legal benefits as any other wedded couple, we felt that the ceremony is something we wanted to do for ourselves because of our love and commitment to each other and part of building our lives together as Paula and Melissa. I know that we treat it like a marriage and while we struggle in many ways that legally married couples do and we face many of the challenges of the same, we also face a few more being in a same gender relationship and then again having undergone a physical and legal changes in the latter to bring it in line with the essence of who we always were on the inside of us! There are many who questioned why we even bother doing this since it is not legal but we always figured that if it ever became legal here we could do a simple “legal” ceremony to afford ourselves the legal benefits of marriage but for us the marriage and commitment and union of two people, among those who love us and accept us for who we are as people, is an act which exceeds the legalities of the process and tells the community a simple concept…if you find someone who loves and accepts you for who you are as a person and who you want to share life with together you should do so despite the vessel that person is contained in or even if that vessel changes to reflect the soul of who you truly as a person. So with that said, the wedding planning commenced and it has truly been an eye opener for us that is for sure. The first thing we had to decide is where to do it and who would be in it. The “where” was easy in that our church is founded upon love and acceptance and is very open and affirming. Our minister embraced this proposal with open heart and mind and he was very excited about it. The persons to be in this wedding were a bit more difficult to decide since we have so many wonderful loving friends who love us and who we care about. We also wanted it to reflect the diversity of this union ceremony as well. We feel we accomplished that and are so happy that our friends can be there to celebrate our special day with us!

Once we had the date and church following meetings with our minister and the wedding party in place, the fun got started. First we had to decide on a location for the reception and that came fairly easy with the selection of a venue across the street from our church that had the date available. One truly can spend a small fortune, which neither of us has, on putting together a wedding reception. We tried to provide a nice atmosphere and some good food so people could enjoy themselves and have some fun celebrating with us. Unfortunately an open bar would have been nice but to pull that off the food and music would have to be cancelled or Paula and I would have to rob a bank to pull that one off. I sought DJs to provide the music for the evening and upon selecting one you receive forms to complete for announcing the wedding party and special songs you want played at certain times. We have been compiling the list of music but the first thing I had to correct on the form was the fact we have no groom but two brides. White out I found works well in this case.
Paula and I spent a few days searching for dresses for our attendants to wear and we needed to find a store that had branches all over the region since we have girls from four different states. The Color is a stunning beautiful Verizon blue. Some of the girls doodled a bit in getting their gowns ordered and we may be do some alterations on them as they walk down the aisle but it will all work out. Next came the fun for Paula and I in the search for our wedding dresses. The elderly lady with the glasses at the counter of the bridal boutique got a bit of a shock when I stepped to the counter to register and she asked for the name of the groom to which I replied “there isn’t one” and just then my partner Paula stepped up to the counter and I stated “and this is the other bride”. The look on her face was truly priceless! The little gal who took care of showing and fitting us in gowns was a bit flustered but a very good sport as well. Her primary concern was that she had never taken care of two ladies at the same time for bridal fittings. Paula and I loved every minute of it and each of us selected our separate gowns- each different in style, material type and design but both white of course! (Ahem….No questions needed). We are bringing our entourage with us for the final fittings which should make the elderly lady at the counter loose her glasses for sure.

I have found two professions in this process which I should have explored for sure which have to be making some small fortunes. The first is florists and the other is wedding cake designers. I had no idea what these skilled artisans can charge for their services but we almost had to cancel the food and hire an organ grinder for the music at the reception to compensate these entities. The cake is gorgeous and colorful and I actually had fun designing it with baker. I truly did not know that twenty something flavors could be available to someone creating cake. The list of fillings was even longer! The flowers cost even more although we do have two bridal bouquets and our selection of two flower girls and a ring bearer from the Warren-Bednar clan added a few more but the flowers we selected are so beautiful and we incorporated the color scheme of all the gowns and our favor colors of pink and purple!

Other “minute” details included the invitations’ and the writing of our ceremony in its entirety along with music to be performed by wonderfully talented organist and horn player. Several of our truly talented friends with voices of angels have agreed to perform special pieces during the service. Paula and I are indeed so happy that are offering us their special gifts. We even broke down and “registered” as many other couples approaching such an event do although I am still amazed the computer did not implode with the insertion of two brides and no groom into the system. It probably would have if it had found out the two brides once could have registered the other way in another part of their life although just by outward appearance. The real fun of the planning has been the selection and booking of our honeymoon following our wonderful ceremony and a reception of fun, friends and food and drink! Paula and I have enjoyed putting this all together although sometimes we question our sanity in doing so. However, I am sure on our special day it will all be worth it in the joy on our faces and in the hearts of our friends who love us for being who we are and supporting our love for each other!

The Distancing

The act of distancing one’s self from others, a particular person or an idea is a common practice of politicians. Give a politician a way for him or her to place themselves at a point of distance from a controversial issue such as health care reform and they will be running to that point as fast as you can say “I’m up for re-election next year!” Unfortunately, the art of distancing is something transgendered people incur all the time and not merely after one comes out and begins transitioning but sometimes even months or years afterward. The only problem is that this form of distancing involves separating human contact from the transgendered person from those that initially accepted you for who you are and have always really been in life. It generally involves those again you thought were friends or family who did not reject you outright when the “you- know- what” hit the fan with full disclosure. However, in time these individuals become increasingly more distant and begin to pull away from you even considering their initial acceptance and apparent willingness to try to stay connected with you in life.

The disappointment of losing contact with such people is no less disheartening to the transgendered individual than if the person had pulled away quickly upon disclosure. However, I guess it does make the person engaging in such distancing tactics feel a little better because they can say they tried but for the transgendered individual effort is very subjective and the hurt caused by the distancing is really know less painful than the initial rejections. Again, the concept is an all too common occurrence. I know Donna Rose discussed it in her book “Wrapped in Blue” from her experience with some people she considered to be friends but who ultimately played the distancing game.

I don’t mean to cut these people down for that is not my point of all this but I don’t think they realized how much they hurt me by what they did and made me feel so unwelcomed. Recently the father of one of my old friends who had tried to stay connected with me after my transition died. I was upset about the death which I found out after all the funeral arrangements had taken place despite many who could have called and let me know. Instead my friends decided that since he had not told his mother and some others about me and there were other friends of his whom use to be “friends” with me in my old life who find me to be a disgusting and disturbing freak that I would not be told about the death until everything was over with for fear I might come and hug my friend and comfort him in his loss. I understand this loss probably better than most from experience in losing both my parents as well as my bother all in 15 short months. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for his loss but I found out that everyone, with his guidance, conspired not to tell me until it was all over so I would not be able to come and pay my respects and comfort my friend. I at first blamed others for this decision and only found out through a one line e-mail from my ex- her first communication with me in four months. I cried for my friend’s loss, I cried because the lack of information from my ex even about our children who I love so much. I cried because I was not welcome to come and pay my respects and comfort my friend. I blamed others and when I found it was my friend who orchestrated it all I cried again when I received his e-mail.

He told me in his letter that he has trouble seeing me and accepting and adapting to me as Melissa instead of the shell of the other person I pretended to be for so long. Of course, this could be helped by more contact between us and yet he and another friend have cancelled two other trips to come and visit and turned down other opportunities to meet as well. He is not the only one to do this for sure. Many other friends who initially showed some support when I first came out have not followed through with any communication or contact with me in a year. They have learned the distancing game well and maybe they too can give themselves a pat on the back for trying initially and maybe they feel that they are a bit better than those that rejected me outright but really ……haven’t we ended up in the same place anyway? The distance grows wider every day and yet the only answer to this gap is communicating and meeting and talking some things out and learning.

Paula and I went to the performances at Wall Street last night at the conclusion of TransOhio’s Transgender and Ally Symposium. One young talented young man by the name of Adam Apple performed a piece choreographed to the music of One Republic’s “Stop and Stare” which told of his life as a young Transman who loves his family but has been rejected by them, who has loss work and been denied jobs because of who he is as a person and who has been beaten and raped and yet is still so full of love and dignity. It was a powerful piece which brought many including myself and Paula to tears but his sign he held towards the end said it all… “I am human”. Human beings need love and understanding and acceptance for being themselves and distancing is not an act which addresses this need of every human being. I have experienced some of his work discrimination and rejection by family and friends but have not even come close to the pain he has endured in his life with the violence and assaults and suicide attempts but I understood his pain and his work on this production touched me. It also deeply affected Paula who admitted to me this morning she is depressed. I know she longs for contact and communication with her old friends and most importantly her family of children and grandkids she cannot see. It brings her such sadness in a heart full of love. Watching the beautiful performance by Adam only drew her more deeply into this great sadness.

We are not ungrateful for the warm and loving friends we have found here in Columbus. We love you all deeply and you kindness has touched us so profoundly! It is also the hope that you give us that maybe someday some of the people who rejected us in our life for being who we are as people and who have played the distancing game so well will understand our anguish and pain and reach out again. Maybe someday they can even be touched by the pain endured by a young man they have never even met named Adam. Maybe someday they will meet our new and wonderful friends we have here and see the beauty and love that exists in our community! I hope the distances between us as human beings grows shorter!