Newhart, Dreams and Life with Paula

Are any of you fans of the Bob Newhart shows on television? Both his old where he was working as a psychologist in Chicago and his newer one where he was an innkeeper in Vermont are seen many nights on Nick at Night and will likely live on in syndication for some time. If any of you remember on this last episode of the newer series in Vermont, Bob rolls over in bed and finds his old wife Suzanne Pleshette from the old show next to him and apparently he dreamed the entire seven seasons of the new show and it never really happened. Of course, the episode was absolutely hilarious and was a spoof on the series “Dallas” in which the entire season without Bobby was suppose to have been a dream and never really happened to explain his absence from the show.
Sometimes I feel like those episodes of the old TV shows. I sometimes wonder if I wake up one morning and find myself in my old body and deeply imbedded in my old shell and lying next to my ex-wife in my old bed in my old house we shared for so many years and all that has happened since I left has been a dream. My wonderful life with Paula and my transition, surgeries and hormone changes and all that has happened to me since I left to live life as who I truly am- Melissa was all a wonderful dream and I am still living the lie. Don’t get me wrong and with no insult to my ex-wife who was and remains a sweet loving and intelligent woman who I dearly hope finds some equally special person to fill her life with happiness, but if all that has happened has been a dream, the taste of what my life as Melissa would be like through the dream would only serve to compel me to move forward and end up transitioning and living life as I was meant to live it- as Melissa! Hopefully, the new life would also involve Paula who I enjoy waking up next to each day as we talk or cuddle or hold hands and listen to the sounds of the world awaking outside or the bird singing in the room next door. She is such an important part of my life and my journey and I truly realize how much I am a very big part of hers too.
The question came up the other day between us about where we would be in our lives without each other- if we had never met in May of 2007 on that night in Toledo when we talked for two hours. As you know from my earlier blogs, Paula fell in love with me that night. She carried the torch silently and never let on about it as we became great friends. A year later when I realized that I had fallen in love with her we began our relationship as soul mates, best friends and partners in life and love. Next week we plan to celebrate our one year anniversary together. However, I agree with her in that it was fate that brought us together that night and through our meeting and friendship and evolution into a deep caring love we found each other as soul mates. Paula thinks neither of us would be where we are today in our transitions if it was not for our meeting that warm spring night two years ago and she is probably right. We both might still be living in our old lives pretending to be someone we were not or maybe we would be early on in transition but struggling alone as many in our community do. I feel so fortunate to have met her, to have become friends with her and to found Melissa’s soul mate and partner in life and to have my love around each day and night with me as we move forward together.
We support each other as we have struggled or continue to struggle with divorces and loss of contact with those we love deeply as well as through our transitions involving so many new emotions, feelings and difficult trials including our surgeries. Somehow I know we will both make it being together supporting each other and helping bring the true essence of ourselves to life and continue to grow as Paula and Melissa. I know that our love will grow even deeper as we enrich each other’s spirit and lift each other’s soul-even in our darkest hours. Together we will grow as both ourselves and as soul mates in life and love. I shudder to think where I would be in my journey without her and I know she feels likewise. That is why I know I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night or early morning hours just to make sure she is still there and make sure I have not been dreaming this life. No Bob Newhart or Dallas episodes for me please!

The Empires Against the LGBT Struggle

Now I know I have written in the past about religion and religious issues and their enormous impact on transgendered rights and issues but I honestly feel I skirted around the where the real meat of this important issue lies. Furthermore, it is not my intention to attack individual members of the religions I am about to discuss here and there are many good, open- minded and accepting members of these groups on an individual basis! However, if anyone tasks offense to this blog I do apologize for the fact upfront and it clearly NOT an attack on individual members. My discussion of what may be one of the most significant stumbling blocks in the drive of my sisters and brothers of our transgendered community for the rights and dignity that all humans deserve is solely focused on the organizational entities themselves and not specifically on the individual members beyond their leadership. And with that preface …..I begin…..
The single most significant factor in the struggle for our rights as transgendered people in the enactment of The Hate Crimes Bill, ENDA and legislation ending discrimination in health care programs and coverage benefits of our community is the enormous opposition to these important pieces of legislation for the LGBT community. This opposition is, has been and will be launched by organized religion and in particular the “big three bullies” as I refer to them …… the Mormons , the Southern Baptists and the biggest offender of them of all- the Roman Catholic Empire!
The Mormons have shown their propensity to throw large sums of money to support Prop 8 in California and similar legislation elsewhere. Yes, according to the church that not only bans alcohol but coffee, tea and soft drinks containing caffeine and who brought us their cult like philosophy of polygamy where it is ok for MEN to have to have many wives, we simply cannot have two people of the same gender who care about each other marrying each other for God’s sake! How awful is this …people who love each other cannot marry each other because it is two men or two woman or even a transgendered person but Mormons thought it was OK for MEN to marry multitudes of women …what a bunch of horse shit hypocrisy!
Southern Baptists are the leftover decedents of the Puritans I wrote about a few years ago in a blog entitled The Pursuit of Happiness and the Puritans. The Puritans were so repressive and rigid in their control and thinking of their members especially when it came to pleasure and in particular and again..God forbid sexual pleasure! The Southern Baptists are the group that reminds me of Adam Ant’s 1980’s big hit Goody Two Shoes (don’t drink don’t smoke what do you do? ). The fire and brimstone bible thumpers forbid drinking, gambling, dancing, premarital sex, and just about any form of fun beyond getting screamed at by some angry and fiery preacher condemning those who do slip into fun and even more so condemning those of us in the LGBT community as sinners who are condemned to an afterlife of hell and God’s wrath! These Southern Baptists are the same bunch who hold woman to subservient positions (hmmm seems to be a theme going here similar to that of the Mormons) and have had their Convention enact resolutions that announce that woman are subservient to their men who happen to be their owners..errr..excuse me …husbands. These same people will however be loaded for bear as they say to oppose every piece of legislation put forth by the LGBT community including the Hate Crimes Bill because what is a good old fashioned revival without some bashing ( errrrr.. “preaching”) of the so called abominations of the LGBT community. Look for the scare tactics to be thrown at us by this group when it comes time for discussion of the important pieces of legislation such as ENDA. (I can almost hear the southern drawl now ….. “Enactment of this bill will let them deviant sinners into our schools to molest our children in the bathrooms”)
Despite how bad these other two groups are as forces to be dealt with on our struggle for dignity and rights they lack the money, size, power, influence and history of the Great Roman Catholic Empire!!! This organization has been around quite a while and claims to be the direct lineal leader of Christianity as established by Jesus Christ himself. They have amassed a fortune in resources and Rome has done everything in its power to conceal secrets of the early days of “the church” allegedly created by the founder of Christianity. Catholics don’t have all the hang-ups about gambling and drinking that other groups mentioned above seem to have and that is fine. However, bring up sex or sexuality issues with the Catholic Empire and they react like you have just mentioned the Holy Grail! Catholics are nervous Nellie’s when the subject of sexuality, homosexuality, divorce and transgendered people is brought up around them.

Why is this and what holds their faith together – the answer is simple…. GUILT! Riddled by the guilt and teachings of the leaders of their group they have more hang-ups on these issues than a transitioning TG has hormones! The Roman Catholic Empire (RCE) is lead by men for men and works its damnedest to see, and has done so for many years, that woman have little if any role in their organization. Women cannot become priests and if a woman begins to have some influence in the group like Mary Magdalene and all of the sudden she is vilified to shreds so she has no respect in the faith. Women are treated as second class citizens in this all male society of the RCE. Priests are forbidden to marry for some crazy theory that has never been properly explained although in the early history of the Church the priests were married and some of the disciples of Christ were also married. Single men running a group which subsequently begins attracting those so pent up with frustrations they begin a long history of sexual abuse of children for which the Church has paid out millions but tried to cover up because it again it something it cannot talk about openly. The RCE is currently led by a pope who is a former Hitler Nazi youth which of course explains his dogmatic approach to turning the clock back on the miniscule progress made over the years. He recently condemned the LGBT community by asserting we were the destruction of civilization, blurring the lines of gender distinction and threatening the fundamental institution of marriage (which was created during a time when woman were mere chattel!) He concluded that we were as much threat to civilization as the destruction of the rain forest was to the world! I can almost hear the goose –stepping brown shirts now marching around at his command to round up these “threats” to civilization. Catholic groups have recentl yprotested transgendered groups having transgendered awareness days on campuses.
Yes my brothers and sisters in the LGBT community -these organizations are the vast and powerful enemies that the LGBT community will face head on lead by their force of history, tradition, money and hatred in an all out battle to defeat each and every piece of legislation we bring forth to seek dignity and rights that all of us and all humans deserve! The Mormons, southern Baptists and it’s fundamental hard core spin-offs like Free Methodists as well the RCE will use every resource and scare and fear tactic known to people on their pulpits to preach that we are this threat and that any legislation that protects us or grants us rights others in society have must be defeated as the work of “Satan”. With these groups preaching the dogma and spreading lies and hate and backed by powerful amounts of money how can we stand a chance to win this battle for dignity we ALL deserve? Furthermore, and I am curious to ask, “why would someone who is part of our community want to stay a member of such groups knowing how these very groups feel about them? I admire you for trying to stay I do. I surely didn’t as I bolted the RCE when I was 13 years old sick of their tired old dogma and treatment of woman. I knew also that I was different and that the difference would not be tolerated by them. I only go where I am fully welcomed, loved and accepted for who I am when it comes to joining any religious groups.
The battle for dignity and rights for the LGBT community will be fought for sure. The gain would mean so much for many of us and for humanity as a whole! But make no mistake about it folks- the enemies who oppose us will be a daunting challenge. They will be richer, filled with more tradition and history and prominence in society and oh by the way…they have God on their side ….don’t believe me – just ask them! The empires of the Mormon , Baptist and Catholic religions and their allies like the Muslins who treat woman like third class property will be a fierce force to take on to win the rights and dignity we all should have enjoyed in this world as humans. They will work diligently, with God by their side, to keep it OK for society to hate us, perfectly acceptable for it to deny us medical treatment and the healthcare coverage to pay for it and equally acceptable to withhold housing and employment to us simply because who we sleep with at the end of the day or the physical shell we were born with even though it did not fit our soul and essence. Such an accomplishment from a large group of organizations which were supposedly founded on love and helping others. My, my …...won’t God be impressed by their efforts??

Perceptions

Perception is a difficult thing sometimes and in our community of transgendered people it sometimes can become a quagmire as we come out to people and move through our physical and spiritual transitions. I was in a several conversations recently with a friend of mine and someone who I admire greatly for her courage to come out despite risking her family and career that she has performed so well in public service here in Columbus. We discussed the fact that many in the mainstream community and in particular our families see us as in some sort of pretend world and I know my ex has even addressed me as being in a “subculture” and Paula’s parents think she is not a “real person” being who she is as Paula. The family members think that we are somehow living a falsehood being who we are and have always been on the inside and that the real us was the person we pretended to be for so long. The longer we played the game and pretended the more their perception was that was really who we are and have always been. When we finally come out and tell them who we really are they so disbelieve it and are stuck in the perception we so amply created living the lie.

I played the game so well I sometimes fooled myself. I know others have done the same. The only pretending i ever did was when I tried to fool others and hid the real me from the world. I immersed myself in almost everything from activities to politics which portrayed me as this person they grew to know and perceive as the person I really was when the truth was so far from it. The better one played the game, the worse it was when it was time to come clean as the ones who were closest to you bought into the false perception even more many times than those who knew you only marginally. The period of time following coming out, transitioning and living fulltime in your true gender is a wonderful experience in which your peace is found and the happiness of being and presenting yourself as whom you really and truly are gives you great joy and comfort. However, the loved ones who were close to you and knew you and bought into the false perception better than most are left only with their perceptions of who you are which you created even though that is not who you are as a person. I think sometimes the easiest transitions as far as retaining many of the family members are those where the transgendered person shared more of their true selves with their loved ones and did not let them obtain the deep seeded misperceptions which plague many of us in our transitions and relationships with those that were close to us before we told them the real truth about us. So they believe the other person we tried to be and misled others into believing we were is who we were and that we are only pretending to be someone else now.

We know that is not the case -but the quagmire of misperceptions of our doing which we weaved and built in our previous life in hiding and deceiving does us in and leaves those we fooled so badly (and you know they cannot be happy about being fooled so badly!) asserting we are in a pretend world, a subculture, a cult and not “real persons”. I long for the day when I can connect again with my immediate family and I get the chance to erase the misperceptions I created with them for so many years and let them get to know the real me and hopefully alter their misperceptions which I created in them. I built the misperception living the big lie for so long and so well that I know that it cannot be erased so easily by others. We do it to ourselves and we must live with the consequences of doing so and of playing the game so well for so long and leaving the trail of misperceptions that now lie at our feet as we move through our journey being who we really are as people. No one weaves a more tangled web than that of a transgendered soul….but maybe that is just my perception!

Courage and Dignity against theTransgendered Blues

Well my world got rocked this week and the wounds really dug in deep because my smug little you –know –what thought it would not happen to me in my profession. I faced and lost a battle with transgendered discrimination and the loss of revenue associated with it hurt-but what hurt even more was the indignity in the manner it was presented so underhandedly and that I did not see it coming. Several years ago when I started into my new profession I began doing some independent contract work for various companies in which you can go onto their job boards to find work in your geographic areas. I did so as a means to get more experience and bring in some income. One of the groups assigned me to a project in which the main planner had screwed up immensely and I commented on the same but offense was taken to my comments to the logistics. A week or two latter the organization that had contracted with me contacted me and said client did not want me working on her projects anymore. The organization said it was no big deal and that she was a difficult client and there were plenty of other clients to work for and I later found out the client subsequently fired the organization I contracted with because the client had troubles working with its staff.
This incident occurred three and half years ago and nothing more was ever said about this matter. In fact, I was told not to worry about it as they knew the client was touchy and difficult to work with on projects. I continued to do work for the organization without any further complaints or problems on a regular basis during remainder of 2005, all of 2006 and 2007 and first half of 2008. Of course, I was working at that time as my male persona hiding the real me beneath the shell. After I came out fully, I informed the organization and others that I was transgendered and was in transition and would be working as Melissa –who I really was and I sent them documentation of name change and other information. I did the same for other contract organizations as well as clients. One client chose to end any relationship and another had to cut back because of economy even before I told them. However, the three other organizations initially said they had no problem with it and changed the information. The one who I had experienced the minor incident with in 2005 assigned me work last fall which I did for their client without incident as had been practice for years and all paperwork was completed and filed in timely manner and as usual I was dressed professionally- albeit as Melissa and pleasant and helpful throughout the functions. No complaints were noted but evidently some of the male reps of client I did the work for figured out who I use to be and expressed some “discomfort” with me doing their projects. The organization did not tell me this but decided to handle it another way. A few weeks after the projects I was no longer finding any jobs posted on their board. I knew the economy was not great so I gave it sometime but after a couple months I wrote to the organization and inquired about this weird phenomenon. Two days later, in February of 2009, I received a letter which had been sent overnight to me stating my contract with them had been terminated because of the incident which happened in 2005. Now I am no rocket scientist for sure but I am also not stupid and know that something that was not important for three years does not suddenly become important three and half years later only after I announce my transition and do work for them as Melissa. The indignity is that they should have told me the truth and not played the silly game of first altering their website so I could not see positions available and then sending me a letter indicating termination based upon that something no one thought was that big a deal back in 2005! Terminate me for being transgendered for God’s sake- it’s not like we have any protections in this country beyond a few state and local laws. They accomplished their goal…get rid of the “freak” who makes some of their people “uncomfortable” but they did it without being upfront and honest about it.
I may have not been so taken back by their egregious actions which cost me income if I did not begin to sense some others acting in same way. I received a job assignment from another organization last week on one day and then in 24 hours suddenly the work assignment was no longer needed by the client. Then my professional organization chapter which I have served on the Board of Directors for two years acts very strangely and was sort of surprised I wanted to remain on the Board next year because they thought I needed time away from the Board to deal with my transition and surgeries which have not interfered at all with my duties and responsibilities. What really bothers me the most is I thought my profession, being nearly 90 % women, would be an easier one to transition in than most. I was wrong indeed! I was a bit smug thinking I was above the fray of the common industrial workplace and office settings and dealing with so many educated professionals as a professional -but I forgot that the organizations are still run by men and in reality discrimination against those of us in the transgendered community is so prevalent that many so called “open minded” people just can’t deal with a concept that many see as so radical such as changing one’s physical anatomy to fit one’s inner soul and essence and men in particular – in fear and sometimes in questioning of their own masculinity issues, cannot see why another “man” would “chose” to not be masculine and actually want to step down the ladder as they see it and live and work as a woman who earns less than a man. All of this comes on the heels of my desperate attempt to find health insurance after facing three rejections because I was transgendered. I finally found one on the fourth try but they refuse to cover anything and now seem content on tearing apart my medical history for last three years because I asked them to pay for a routine doctor’s office visit. Additionally, they also proffer the indignity of addressing all my correspondence to me as “Mr.” How indignant and rude and insulting is this?
The enactment of the ENDA legislation would help the situation immensely but I fear that somehow –someway, the transgendered community will find itself excluded from the bill in the end and left alone to defend itself with only few people to continue the struggle for dignity, rights and respect that all human beings are entitled to in this country as many in community run and scatter and stay hidden in their shells in fear and others trying desperately to life in cloak that is not truly possible and pretending like they have always been known as a woman without any other life before the transition. I don’t blame them considering that nearly 70% of the fulltime transitional transgendered community is unemployed. Some of my friends out there may say I chose this life and that I and others like me knew we were going to face consistent discrimination and that we should have stayed hidden in our shells and appeared only part time in the comfort of functions with other transgendered people. I gave up the comforts of living the life of a male with a family and a job and welcomed in society to be who I truly am but someone that most people don’t want to have to deal with. In other words, for me – keep pretending I am someone else I am not –living a life as a lie and working in the male-dominated society as a male. First of all, I did not “choose” this life any more than I chose being transgendered. I decided I would rather live life as I truly was instead of frustrated in a shell and pretending I was someone I was not to make others happy while I suffered great pain and anguish. If I somehow lose it all and have no income to live on whatsoever in my life after I transition fully, I will never go back to the lies and live my life in any shell pretending I am someone I am not- ever! Frankly, I would rather die living on the street as Melissa than ever go back to living the lie inside the shell just to make everyone else happy including those who run our society and many of its organizations or even my family who has tossed me away like some unwanted piece of garbage!
I have my dignity…I have my soul…I have someone who loves me for who I am in Paula and I have my friends, sisters and brothers in the community and the LGBT community at large and a few that found the courage to accept me for who I am from my old life inside the shell. I would not trade that for any job at any salary if I had to live my live as a lie and pretend I am someone I am not just to make others in society happy and “comfortable”. I decided I will either make it as Melissa who I really am with Paula by my side or I will go down swinging as Melissa living my life with dignity as my true essence and face whatever discrimination, hatred and prejudice await me in whatever life I have left! Courage and dignity requires nothing more or nothing less and courage and dignity may not pay the bills but they clearly free the soul!

Seasons......like life

I don’t know about the rest of you but I have grown tired of winter. I know there are some out there that actually like winter and look forward to it. Yes, I know one can go ice skating and skiing and other such activities during the winter months. Some people just love snow and that is fine but it is not my cup of tea for sure. I grow tired of winter not too long after the Christmas decorations have been put away and the New Year’s festivities have ended. Winter is dreary; the days seem so short and night so long. Grey skies are commonplace and it is often bitterly cold and the snow often becomes massively accumulated and intermixed with ice and sleet. Travel is more difficult including flying.
I find by the time Valentine’s Day comes and goes that I am nearly ready to scream and cannot wait until that first warm day in spring when the sun’s rays hug my body and make me feel alive again. It feels so good to my body and awakens my dark cold slumber and shakes off the effects of a long cold winter. Sometimes I like to go in search of that crazy rodent in Pennsylvania who seemingly every year sees his blasted shadow and predicts six more weeks of winter – like he really cares- he is snuggled asleep underground where it is warm and cozy. He probably always predicts more winter just to get revenge on us humans who insist on dragging him from his long winter’s slumber in warmth just for some display on a day named after him. Thank God it is February is a short month and March is ahead of us- maybe spring is not far behind.
Spring brings some rain for sure but it also brings warmer days and longer days and a better hope that when you wake up the day will have some sunshine and temperatures will soar into the 60’s and the birds will sing and sitting outside for breakfast becomes possible. Spring is followed by summer which can be intense in the humidity that is prevalent around here but the days are warm and usually sunny and the days are longer and travel is easier. Summer leads to fall which is a favorite of mine except it is followed by the ugliness of winter! Fall brings dry crisp warm days and cool but not cold nights- a true delight. However, without winter, appreciation of spring and its rebirth and summer and its long sunny days and fall with its rich clearness and colorful display would not be possible. Just a few more weekends and it will be St. Pats Day which is always a good reason to celebrate the fact that winter’s expiration is only a few days away and spring’s rebirth is on its way. This winter was special for me this year because of my travel to the even colder Northeast to undergo my facial feminization surgery which brought about the rebirth of my face to more readily reflect the femininity of Melissa but like winter and its slow progression towards spring I still am working through the effects of this surgery. Stitches still reside inside my mouth making it difficult to clear my food and my lips are still trying to relax and permit me to enunciate certain sounds better and the rhinoplasty still makes me sound like I have a constant sinus infection and a way too nasally sound in my voice. My skin and jaw still feel tight. I still have some swelling often get an itch on my head but while I can sense the itch I cannot even feel much of my finger scratching the itch and it too feels tight. I seem to get just a little better each day and soon when weeks and months have passed and the warmth of spring is upon us all, I will feel more comfortable and things will still have settled and I will look like a rebirth has occurred in my face just as it does when spring awakens us from our long grey dreary slumber of winter. This spring will also be another period of rebirth for me. For just as I grow comfortable form the increasingly longer warmer days of spring and my face and head settles into a comfort like that of spring, I will undergo yet another procedure or two that will finally bring my body into peace with my soul, my essence and my true inner self. This rebirth will be followed by long days of summer in which time I will learn more about my new body which will be the one I should have been born with but which I know little about. It will also be a time for reflection and growth as a woman but the long warm days of summer will provide that opportunity for me so that when my fall comes I am basking in its colors and enjoying its warmth and briskness and hopefully by then preparing myself for the winter to come and maybe it won’t be so bad after all……one never knows…..

Pictured above is Paula and I at the Valentine's Day Dinner and Dance

Confidence is the Key

Does anyone feel this country is not in a deep recession? Jobless rates continue to rise and the economy is stalled. Houses are not being built, bought or sold and the stock market has devastated many investments and retirement accounts. Large financial institutions are in serious crises and some of the remaining few manufacturing industries in this land such as our automobile industry are on the verge of collapse. My friends we have definitely seen better times for our beleaguered county. Even the world economy is suffering. This recent economic disaster is one that has been a long time coming for sure! Look at our economy over the last forty years. We don’t really make anything in this country anymore and we have not done so for a while. There was a time when we made almost everything-electronics, appliances, cars, shoes, clothes and even most of our food products. Take a look at your groceries sometime. Many come from other parts of the world. We import almost every item that was once made here in this country. We are told we have become a “service Industry” economy but if no one makes anything here how much service type jobs can you really have in your society.
Another major problem is huge debt. Consumer debt is rampant and many people are tied into credit card and loan debts that foreclose opportunities to use the money elsewhere- thus adding to the problem! We have little money to invest and save and when we do the earnings if there are any are taxed by a government that spends way beyond its limits instead of using that money to create jobs, retain jobs and stimulate our economy. Financial institutions are no better off and Congress is throwing money at them in order to starve off disasters of collapses which will only serve to weaken our economy even further and drive our deep recession into a depression. The greed and corruption of many business and their decisions to exploit impoverish foreign workers by taking their production offshore has crippled this county and its fragile economy.

However, you know what the major factor that drives our economy as has done so for many years? It is what really keeps it going although the points I raised above have clearly caused the problems we face today in our society. Our economy, its currency and the growth of economy through jobs, production, housing starts and the like essentially are driven by one major factor- confidence! The people have lost faith in their country, business, the government and our economy and even our money. The loss of confidence leads to further erosion of the strength of economy on top of the issues I discussed above. The economy would pick up and recover merely by the people having more faith and confidence in it and believe that things will get better and that we can get ourselves righted. However, it is hard to have faith in our economy and system when everything looks so bleak and fear captures us from all that we see around us.
Sometimes I like to think it is like the old adage of the chicken or the egg- which came first? We are expected to stimulate the economy by having confidence in ourselves and our economy yet there is little going on now to give us that confidence to take the first step in doing so and yet without such confidence we cannot begin to recover, we cannot begin to find answers, save our institutions, redefine our government’s thinking on building a stronger economic base and gain more confidence to further steer our country and its economy out of a path of destruction. We are expected to have blind faith and take the first steps to show confidence without much around us to support us. In reality we have nothing but faith to rely on to show that our confidence will be rewarded. Our currency really runs on blind faith. We went off the gold standard ions ago and in reality the value of the dollar has more to do with how much we believe it is worth than anything else. Confidence in our monetary system is what really drives the system and yet it still has value. Somehow, we must harness that same concept for our economy as well. If we have no faith that our economy can recover and rebuild and in our government and institutions, investments or even in ourselves then how can be expected to ever find solutions to the problems that confront us and starve off total collapse of our economy and our country and in turn ourselves. The question is who will take this first step. It must be our political and corporate leaders who must learn that politics and practices as usual will not be acceptable any longer to solving these deep economic problems and restoring our confidence in our systems and in our economy and ultimately in ourselves.

Life in Transistion

Life is transitional. I am in transition as a transgendered person living life as the woman I always have been but for the wrong equipment at birth. Even our new government is in transition with the inauguration of Barak Obama as our 44th President of the United States. Finally, my face is in transition following the assault on my face in Boston (see previous blog) as part of my FFS procedures performed about two weeks ago and its slow recovery. I read the other day where a poll taken after Barak’s first week in office revealed a 92% approval rating. Of course, I am wondering why a poll need to be taken on the approval rating of a President who has been barely able to have his furniture put in his new home or a cabinet meeting where all the cabinet members are actually present as some have not even been confirmed. As I viewed the poll, I often wonder why 8% of the population already has a negative rating of a man who has barely gotten use to his new digs or his role in office. Are these the same 8% of the people that actually believed George Bush was doing a great job despite the disaster in our economy, the 7 years of war in Iraq, and his insistence on violating or denying rights of people like me or others in the LGBT community. Maybe so- but maybe these same people are the same ones who want instant gratification on everything and expected these massive issues to be resolved within 24 hours of Mr. Obama taking occupancy in the White House. They believe in instant gratification or satisfaction of the first sip of beer or wine or when they play a game or do an activity for the first time. If does not arrive in minutes, the gratification can never occur for them despite how much they paid for the food, drink, activity, appliance or game. These people want it yesterday and patience is not one of their virtues for sure.

When one is in transition as a transgendered person, the same principles apply. Transition involves so many different aspects. Counseling, hormones, laser or electrolysis, hormone therapy as well as surgeries, name changes and simply learning to live in a manner completely contrary to the indoctrination given to the transgendered person because the anatomy we were born with although as we find out- unwontedly! I truly learn new things everyday and I doubt that is going to stop at all after I finish my surgeries and my anatomy finally comes in sync with my soul and spirit. One must welcome the new concepts and give them time to sink in and become functional for themselves just as this country needs to give its new leader a time to learn and work up solutions with a new direction for this country. A transgendered person cannot ever think that he or she has arrived merely because they undergo treatment and surgeries and hormones. A MtoF TS does not wake up the day after GRS and become a woman…..they- like me have been one all their life but faced it with the wrong upbringing and anatomy and it takes time to adapt to new parts and new ideas that will follow them for many, many years. Being in transition is a life-long process and requires one to keep an open mind and adapt and learn …it is growth…it requires patience….it is a never-ending process for a transgendered person and even all people in general.

Having recently undergone my facial feminization surgery I have found my face and head in great transition. Many times when someone undergoes this process they expect to wakeup or over the week post –op to see radical changes to their face and the perfect feminine face smiling back at them when they look in the mirror. I will admit that a few hours last week I expected the same and when I did not see it, I began to get down on myself and my partner Paula. In reality, the changes that take place in one’s face after this radical and complicated procedure occur over a long, slow process requiring one to be patient and adapt as things physically move forward in transition of one’s face. Experts will tell you that it is almost a year before the changes come pretty close to complete and even then there are still minute ones that occur. I radically altered six parts of my face and head to appear more feminine and the parts need to settle and adapt and transition. There will be further changes everyday and each week of the next year or so as things shape into form and place. In a sense, my face is in transition very much like my body, my mind, my attitude and even like our new President.
I could take a poll on my new face and I think it would most likely receive a negative rating –probably with me even voting that way as well. However, I have not given it a fair chance…there will many settlements and changes and nuances to come as my face lives in transition just like me and just like my life and my government and society in general. Life is transition and transition is life and in order to adapt to the changes, one must have patience, persistence, adaptability, perseverance, courage and a willingness to adapt, grow and think outside pre-established boxes.


Now for an update ………….first Paula kicked my bottom from one end of the hotel room to the other in our marathon game of gin rummy during my recovery winning by over five hundred points. She is a card shark for sure. I am sending her to Vegas to win the money for our remaining surgeries.

I finally got to take a complete hot shower for the first time since January 22nd on Sunday February 1st. I had been doing some baths and partial showers but because of the head wrap and stitches real, full showers with shampoo and conditioner had to wait till then and my ole my did it ever feel so very good! Sometime simple pleasures can be a true joy when you have not been able to enjoy them for a while that is for sure!

The last couple days in Boston we went out site seeing and taking in sites such as Faneuil Hall, the old North Church, USS Constitution, Bunker Hill, Boston Commons, Lexington and Concord and Salem. I ate my first real substantial meal out on Saturday January 31st at the Union Oyster House- the oldest restaurant in America. The sites are great but I also had forgotten about the attitude of Northeasterners since I had not been here in so long. The people are generally rude and pushy and very impatient. They cannot wait for anything and cut you off driving in heartbeat or even if you are standing in line. They lack many common courtesies. It’s a definite rudeness that purveys their nature that is not found in Midwest, the South or the West coast for sure. I am not sure why this is to be honest but Paula picked up on it right away too and it was her first time in the NE.

The picture taken above is NOT one of me taken after the surgery…that will come in a week or so and maybe by next blog……remember it’s a work in transition as I am still swollen and bruised in places. The picture above is one of Paula and I taken at my last decent meal the night before my surgery at a restaurant entitled Houston’s in Boston. Food after that point until we went out the last couple nights consisted mainly of chopped meat, applesauce, pudding, broths and soups and soft noodles.