Harvey Milk, Closets, Fear and Transgendered Power

Paula and I just got back from viewing an evening out in which we dined at an Irish pub near the OSU campus and took in a movie. The diner was delightful as always love good food and Irish ale and Paula and I chatted about many things in our lives currently. However, despite the fact I love her company and good food and drink, all of that paled in comparison to the movie which we saw- MILK! If you have not seen this film you need to do so my friends! It is an extraordinary and powerful film about the life of Harvey Milk, the first gay man elected to a prominent position when he took office in 1978 in San Francisco. Sean Penn is fabulous in the role of Harvey Milk and clearly captures his essence as a human being. The film is sad at the end because of his tragic, premature death as the result of a man tormented by his own demons (It was suspected Milk’s killer who held the same elected position as that of Milk was a deeply closeted homosexual who tried to live a life of a traditional Irish catholic and “moral” life as a married man with children). The end is a perfect example of the dangers of putting handguns in the hands of mentally disturbed individuals filled with anger and repression and way too much testosterone!

Harvey Milk could have done so much more for the rights and dignity of people if he had not been tragically killed that morning in his own office along with the mayor of San Francisco at that time. The event came shortly after two major victories won by Milk and his allies- the defeat of proposition six which would have made it permissible to fire any school employee in California for being gay or simply supporting the rights of gays as well as the enactment of city wide ordinance protecting individuals from housing and employment discrimination based on one’s sexual orientation. This ordinance has since been amended to include and protect those of the transgendered community. Harvey Milk left a great legacy in the world and many have followed in his footsteps but most importantly he set the example for leadership and changes in our struggle for dignity and human rights.

What I admired most about him was his courage and there is part of the movie where in order to win the tide to defeat proposition six against the likes of a right wing religious zealot and “Nazi” Senator at that time supported, of course, by the likes of Anita Bryant and her “Godly inspired” crusade against rights for gay people. In order to win the vote against the tide of money and power displayed by the so called “Christians” Harvey Milk encouraged his friends and supporters to break down the doors of their own closets and come out to their families and friends as well as their employers so that people could know and connect with a gay person and find out that their sons and daughters and employees were simply people who were gay. According to Harvey Milk the greatest thing holding back the community was the fact that many lived in the closet and only by coming out and coming clean could the movement grow. Power ONLY comes from being free and without power nothing important can ever be accomplished. It takes great courage to let people who you work for and love and care about know who you really are as a person. That courage is what gives you power and with that power much can be accomplished. But courage is what brought about Harvey’s accomplishments personally as well in his movements and causes. It gave him and those that followed and supported him power. I will state this as bluntly as I can put it …… if the transgendered community does not show the same courage we will be left behind in the struggle for dignity and human rights that all people deserve!

So those of us who are transgendered in any way (crossdresser, transvestite, undefined transgendered, pre-op transsexual as well as post- op TS better heed the warning and get out of their damn closets and show some courage and take a voice in our community if we ever want to be able to accomplish anything in this society, achieve power and find ourselves victorious as Harvey and his followers did thirty years ago. The main problem is so many people in the transgendered community live in the closet, fearful of letting other human beings who supposedly love and care about them know about their true selves. So what if your friends desert you and so what if your family casts you aside like some weird freak. As Harvey Milk talks about in the movie….if your friends reject you- they were NOT really your friends and if your family rejects you THEY don’t deserve you! Some of them may later come around and that is great if they do- but do not let the fear of them rejecting you paralyze you and don’t let your family blackmail you into silence because they will cut you off if you come out and come clean. I know I was guilty of the same for so long. The day my ex-wife confronted me she awoke something in me and I decided I needed to come clean. She does not realize the long dormant activist she awoke inside me. Every person I told thereafter gave me more courage and more freedom. I lost friends and family like they were going out of style, BUT I hide from no one and I am truly free. With this freedom, power can come. Fear captures us as humans and the courage found deep inside all of us can overcome that fear and free our soul and our determination to bring about change.

As I have pointed out before transgendered people live in closets both prior to and after transition if they are TS. Cloak and stealth are just more ways to define closets and they keep us from moving forward in achieving rights and dignity for our community. Running and hiding from your past will only leave you without strength and courage and to be quite honest, true stealth and cloak are not really possible in today’s technology driven society. It is a myth! Just for shits and giggles, I used the internet to track down the past history and such for three of my transgendered friends who have transitioned and live fulltime as the men or women they are in their souls. It was done with little effort and almost zero cost. People you are only fooling yourself and no one else if you truly believe you can live in cloak or stealth. The problem in our community and why we will not likely prevail in achieving many of the goals that those in the lesbian and gay communities have and will achieve, is that society only sees a tip of the iceberg of our community and thinks we are a very small, minute group of freaks. Most of the community lies under the water- afraid to emerge from the comfort of the closet, stealth or cloak they have attempted to create in the murky waters below.

We are already a much smaller group than those of the gay and lesbian communities as it is and if most of our community remains hidden, then plain and simply we will find ourselves left out of society and existing with few if any rights and we will have no one to blame but ourselves! Someday someone will tear down your closet and you will be outed but when that day happens and you find yourself with little protections or rights don’t come crying to those who have come clean and let the world know who they really are- whether that be a man who likes to dress and express his feminine side on occasion or a post operative TS who lives life as a man or woman in a gender opposite that of their birth. I am not advocating running around and always announcing yourself to everyone but don’t play the game of denial to those who confront you. We have nothing to be ashamed of as transgendered people. So get out your closets and get living life without fear and with courage. You will feel empowered! Give up your stealth and cloak and be proud of who you are-even your past.

I know many post operative TS who try to pretend they have always been living life in their true gender despite transition. Everyone one of us in the TS community was born either male or female in our outer, genetic gender and we lived life for sometime this way as difficult as it may have been. We transitioned and now life in our true gender but we should not be ashamed of who we are or our past life. I will never be a genetic female no matter how much surgery I incur or hormone compounds I ingest. The very fact I was born genetically male and transitioned to live life as female because it is who I am as a human being means exactly this- I am a transgendered person! I am and always will be transgendered! If I deny who I am as a human being or the existence of part of my life in another gender, even as improper as that past life was to my soul, then I live in shame of who I am as human being. If we act like that in our community then how are we ever to achieve anything in our community or even individually. How are we ever going obtain power? Just as Harvey Milk did in encouraging his community to come out and be open we must do the same to let others know WE EXIST and that we are just people like everyone else: fathers, mothers, spouses, sons and daughters, lawyers, architects, doctors, teachers, bartenders, carpenters, truck drivers and every other profession under the sun- but people who just happen to be transgendered. When we do this we will not only find our personal freedom and power but we will find ourselves accomplishing so much more as a community. “Milk” is about a man’s accomplishments in life when he found his courage and passion for what he believed in and left the confines of his closet at age 40 to live a life without fear and even in his death his work and legacy carried on long afterward. Let’s hope we all find our courage as Harvey Milk did and get involved in moving our push for human rights and dignity forward as transgendered people. Tear down the closet doors and turn off the stealth and our power awaits us!

The Wild Ride !

Wow……………2008 for me was like a roller coaster ride that never seemed to end and each and every turn and severe dip in the track this wild year was to be cherished but with much trepidation as well. I feel physically and emotionally drained and yet I also feel so alive and fresh and renewed and full of hope. Things are definitely different for me than a year ago. One year ago I was living in West Virginia with my wife and my daughter who was home for the holidays in her senior year of college and my son who was about to finish his senior year of high school and his senior season of a game he played so well for so long- baseball. One year ago I had not begun electrolysis or the administration of hormones although I had been working with a gender therapist since July of 2007. I was not living fulltime as a woman and only a handful of people outside the community even knew of Melissa. I had by the fall of 2007 decided I needed to transition to live my life in my true essence of who I was and always had been all my life but fought the emergence of at nearly every turn. It is the person I should have lived as all my life except for the fact I was born with the wrong damn body parts.

As I sit here today on the cusp of 2009, I am not only separated but now legally divorced from my wife of 24 plus years. While we cried a lot the day I fully came clean to her and she found my letter to her explaining who I was and what I needed to do. We have talked little since that week in which much was disclosed but since then our communication has been filled with angry e-mails from her and much miscommunication and lack of communication. On the day we finally worked out an agreement for our divorce, I thought she was more peaceful and resolute but since then, communication has been very limited albeit more than my children which have not spoken to me since July. I sent my children and my ex wife Christmas gifts and cards. I expected no gift in return. I hoped I might actually get a card in return from one of them or possibly phone call over the holidays or even an e-mail thanking me for the gifts. I guess even that was too much to ask for the person who helped raise them and took interest in their life and who wanted nothing but happiness for them. My family has wiped me out of existence. Maybe someday this may change but I expect not any time soon.

As the New Year is about to dawn I live in central Ohio where I live and work fulltime as Melissa and truly enjoy life and the peace it brings me doing so. I am so comfortable as Melissa I cannot even imagine life any other way! I have found my internal peace but still have much to go and learn in my transition. All I am doing now is changing my anatomy and appearance and such to reflect my true essence. I began the year legally known as R. Russell Alexander but since early this fall, my legal name now reflects my true inner soul and essence – Melissa Marie Alexander. Every soul in my old towns of the past and beyond knows about me now and I have lost many friends and most importantly much family since the year began for sure.

Early on in January of 2008 I began the ingestion of hormones that have brought me more hips and ass, soft beautiful breasts and smoother skin that truly feels so feminine. Countless hours of electrolysis has brought smoothness to my face that no longer has any semblance of shadow. I know now I should have been born and lived my life as a woman all these long years but I will not live in regret. I can make sure that the remainder of my life is lived as it was meant to be lived as a woman (albeit a transgendered one). As this year comes to a close I now live with my soul mate, lover and best friend in the world ……….Paula Katherine Prichard. I am a lesbian but that is who I am sexually. I also live with far fewer assets. I took a small smattering of furniture from the old homestead and my pension assets at the close of this year are worth a fraction today partly due to the economic crash of 2008 and partly because half of it now belongs to my ex-wife. It’s part of life and it’s time to move on.

In as much as 2008 was a year full of turns, next year plans to be even wilder and faster that the roller coaster ride of 2008! I will experience some very huge changes in my life physically and emotionally. In just a few short weeks I will travel to Boston to have my face torn apart and rebuilt to be more reflective of Melissa by an exceptionally skilled plastic surgeon. My facial work will enable me to function better as Melissa and give it the feminine appearance it needs to live life as a woman. However, this surgery scares the “heebeegeebees” out of me to be certain! I will emerge from this procedure looking like Frankenstein’s monster! I will be bruised and scarred and bandaged and looking like people took Louisville sluggers to my face and head. I will be in extensive pain and popping pain pills like they are candy. In time the swelling and pain will resolve and I hope it will reflect Melissa as I always have envisioned her and help me pass more in the world.

Just about the time I recover from this procedure it will be time to prepare to leave for Philadelphia to undergo more work on my body…this time the creation of the vagina that should have always been there by an equally talented surgeon. A few months after that a little work on expanding the breasts to make them fit my body with some outpatient breast augmentation. By the summer of 2009, my body should finally resemble my inner soul and essence. I will however continue to grow and learn more about being the woman I am and the new body and emotions I have received as I journey through life as a woman and a post-operative TS. It will definitely be another long, wild roller coaster ride for sure in 2009 but I have always loved riding roller coasters all my life and something tells me that I have much more track to cover in the years ahead as well!

I wish each and every one of you a very Happy and Wonderful New Year in 2009! I hope it is filled with peace and happiness! Hugs, Melissa

What is Love? (Revisited)

Back in April of this year I wrote a blog entitled “What is Love “about the relationship which developed between myself and my love and partner Paula Katherine Prichard. The relationship was a unique one in that it involved two transgendered people who were going through transition while on the end threads of failed marriages. My now ex-wife I know has had serious uncomfortableness and anger over this relationship despite the fact she knew our marriage was critically flawed and that we had fallen out of love sometime way before I even met Paula. It happened because my ex-wife married a person she fell in love with who was not really the person she thought I was and this concealment and anguish and guilt I suffered for many years boiled over into our marriage when combined with my nature and the intense frustrations of work that nearly buried me. (See previous blog back in August entitled “The Wife was Right”) As Melissa began to emerge more intensely over the last few years, my ex-wife and I drifted apart because she never had any connection to Melissa –only the ugly shell which had covered her and kept her hidden away for far too long!

I first met Paula in May of 2007 at a GNO event and we talked out on the deck of the club for nearly two hours that night. I instantly connected to her as someone I loved talking with and that night we discussed many subjects. I hoped she would become a good friend over time. Paula on the other hand will tell you she fell in love with me that night and that she had no intention of doing so- it just happened. We would see each other now and then at events and would always talk and both of felt we could share anything about our lives and our past with the other without any reservation. We talked online a good deal as well as on the phone and I liked her a lot. She has a big caring heart that is so sweet and sensitive and we many things in common. Our talks included politics, history, our work, our marriages and our struggles as transgendered people. Paula never tipped her hand about falling in love with me that night in May throughout our summer and fall chats online, in person or over the phone. In time Paula became my best friend in the world and I wrote about that in early winter of 2008 entitled “Friendship in a TG World”. Still, despite the fact Paula had been in love with me for nearly eleven months and I loved talking with her every chance I could in the summer of 2007 and fall of 2007 and early on in 2008, and could hare anything with her, I still held out some hope that my ex-wife and I could sustain our marriage even as I transitioned to be who I truly was and always had been – Melissa Marie Alexander. By late in the spring of 2008 I knew I was kidding myself on this point. I knew I needed to transition and live life as Melissa- my true soul and essence but I also knew my marriage was at an end. I knew my wife felt the same way and we were only holding on for the kids- my son who was almost to graduation form high school and my daughter through college. In fact, my wife had already set up a meeting with a lawyer even before the “day of reckoning and full disclosure came in July and the reading my letter to her. We were not going to stay together and that had been evident for some time. The disclosure only brought it all to a head. We had held on as long as we could and I concealed my transition as long as I could and the inevitable separation and divorce was but forgone conclusion. Last week, my ex-wife and I worked out an agreement and I think we can both move forward. Someday, maybe we can even be friends. I hope so. She is a sweet loving and good person and I hope she finds the peace and happiness she deserves- for this year has been living hell on her for sure.

Late this spring Paula and I took our relationship to beyond great friendship – although she remains my best friend in the world even today. I fell in love with my best friend and knew we were meant to be together. We had connected in so many ways including spiritually and emotionally and on a level I did not know even existed. Paula always saw me for who I was – Melissa and this did not matter despite my “appearance”. I still recall the night I looked in her eyes back in April and I saw the depths of her heart and soul. I remember our first kiss vividly. It awakened my soul and spirit like no other kiss ever had – it was sweet and tender and a wonderful feeling came over me that night. Melissa- the person I truly was- had fallen in love and it was so different from the time Russell did with my ex-wife so long ago. I had fallen in love with Paula Katherine Prichard.

Although both mine and Paula’s marriages were done and we were both moving ahead in our transitions, even as the summer began to lead to the “day of reckoning” I still did not believe it was possible that Paula and I could end up together despite our love and so many things in common. Some of this was form logistical standpoints and part of it was from our hanging by thread marriages but mostly it was the belief by many even those in our very community that two transgended people cannot survive in a relationship. However, this is actually a gross misconception. Some transgendered woman who transition are attracted to men and which to consummate a straight relationship with someone form the opposite sex. This is very hard to do since most men will not likely be too cool with finding out that that their love interest use to be a genetic male and God help you if you try to fool them and get caught later. Some horrific things have happened to girls who try this stealth methodology. I have never really had any feelings for men and despite being Melissa and transitioning to live the remainder of my life as a woman – men are not my cup of tea. I always felt feminine but at the same time remain attracted to women. Melissa is a lesbian. Relationships with other genetic woman are possible and I know many of my friends who have these relationships including steady girlfriends and even marriages. I always hope they will prosper. Still some genetic women have some issues with transgendered women even if they are lesbians and the attraction is there partly because they cannot always see us for who we are spiritually and get caught up on what the anatomy that once was there – albeit unwanted on our part.

Therefore a relationship with another lesbian who is transgendered is the answer. Both people are transitioning and will eventually each have the right body parts to match the spirit but unlike other possible relationships transgendered people understand each other like no one else who is not transgendered ever could do so. You can be yourself and be comfortable with each other and heart and soul are connected you can find a relationship like no other ever found. I did so when I met and fell in love with Paula. Our relationship continues to grow and prosper and only 6-7 months after I thought it was not likely, Paula and I live together…growing, transitioning and loving each other so deeply and with such passion and tenderness and warmth and understanding this girl had never seen before. We are getting ready to celebrate our first Christmas together as a couple. Our lives are richer and deeper and we seek no others- we are happy to be together and whatever time we have left we will spend it together. We are soul mates and companions on this journey in life and we are both happy we found each other and support each other during our transitions and beyond! I love Paula Katherine Prichard with my heart and soul and I always will. I still don’t know if I can say with clarity “what is love” exactly but I know that I, as Melissa Marie Alexander, found it in Paula. I often wonder what my life would be like if our paths had not crossed that night we talked for two hours nearly 18 months ago …….I know it would not be as rich or full and filled with strength and love and support that we provide for each other and always will ………………..I wish each of you peace and happiness and much love and joy in your life…

The Holidays and Bah Humbug

The Holidays and Bah Humbug

I have generally truly loved the holidays over the years but 2008 presents a different perspective on this period than anytime in the past. I still enjoy the lights and love to decorate the house and Christmas tree and this year’s tree may be the best looking tree I have ever had since the days of my youth. I always bake 7-8 different kinds of cookies and this year was no different. I got to go through the most holiday light display this side of the Mississippi River when driving back from Philadelphia after Thanksgiving and toured the displays at Olgebay Park in Wheeling WV (folks if you have not seen this display you really need to do so as the exhibits are huge and spectacular and draw big crowds every night!). Thanksgiving went great as my sister-in-law and my nephew and his new bride and my niece and her significant boyfriend got to meet Melissa for the first time joined by Paula for a huge feast we all prepared together. They asked a million questions which was good and they opened their hearts a well as their home. It could not have been a better Thanksgiving filled with warmth and love and acceptance. However, it vastly different than any Thanksgiving in the past as it was the first one I had ever spent with them- not just as Melissa but ever! That was my mistake and I intend not to repeat it.
I have been doing my usual holiday shopping and I kept up my tradition of having a holiday dinner party as I have done ever year since 1985. However, this year’s location and guest list was vastly different than the past one’s in West Virginia that is for sure!!! Dan and Cathy and Tom and Christy or Stu or David were replaced by Chloe, Lana and Debbie and Sandy, Joann and Jessica and Cyndy and Diane and others from my new family of friends and sisters in the transgendered community. Paula and I enjoyed them all so much and everyone enjoyed catching up with all the happenings (Congrats again to Lana who came out on her job at the Fire Department and began living fulltime last weekend! We all know the courage it takes to do these things). Everyone had a nice time and enjoyed the company of each other and some nice food. Paula and I will attend some lovely holiday events as well including this Saturday’s dinner in Columbus. I have finished much of my shopping and I have wrapped them up including ones I bought for my children and soon to be ex wife who will not address me by my name or write to me civilly. I doubt I will get any from them but that is OK. I also wrote my children a note and put it in their Christmas cards to let them know I always think of them and wish them well in their life as well as update them on a few things. I doubt I will get any communication from them such as a card, e-mail or note of thanks and that will hurt a great deal! I cried when I wrote them their letters mainly because I miss them so much and know they will not respond- shutting me out of their lives.
Christmas time and the holidays always seemed like a gentler time when people were a bit kinder to their fellow creatures and opened their hearts a little bit more than usual despite the fact it should be done everyday! People tended to be a in a better mood and the holidays meant time with families and friends. I always enjoy seeing a production of “A Christmas Carol” during the holiday season! The friends I have now are vastly different but there are lots more of them and the friendships so much deeper and rewarding than the past. So the only thing that is missing is my family but that piece is a mighty big piece my friends, although I do consider my friends in the Trans community to be my extended family of sisters and brothers. Holidays are toughest times for transgendered people separated from their loved ones and neither I nor Paula are immune to this and it hurts deeply I can tell you. I know Paula seems to be growing more moody by the day knowing she is not welcome to visit her children or grandkids she adores so much or her mother and father who have rejected her outright because she is transgendered. These people act like we carry a plague or something.
I know I will miss spending time with my children and putting my arms around them and telling them I love them so much! I miss my parents who have died right before my eyes over the last few years. On Christmas day I know Paula and I will sit by the phone hoping it will ring except when are attending the holiday dinner for the community of others like us who have been discarded by their families simply because we could no longer pretend to be someone we are not or to look at ourselves in a mirror. We will hope that the phone will ring and a kind word will be offered by a family member which will ease the pain and raise the spirits! However, I know Paula and I will not be getting those calls but I guess the holidays are a time for hope and dreams. Sometimes I want to say “Bah Humbug” to the whole process but I can’t – my heart simply won’t let me and I will do my best, as will Paula, to foster a warm holiday spirit and cheer despite the silent treatment of our loved ones. I wish you all the peace and happiness and joy of the holiday season and best wishes for a great new year in 2009! Hugs! .
Pictured above is some of the girls who stopped by for our Holiday dinner party Saturday except for Joann who took the pics and Barb and Sandy who had gone back to their hotel rooms to crash.
Want to do something fullfilling during the holidays.....donate your time or donate a toy for child in a secret Santa program or volunteer for a oragnization that you belive in and most of all, try to be a bit kinder to your fellow creatures including those who hate you for who you are as a person.

Thanksgiving 2008

Thanksgiving is a delightful holiday and one of my favorites. I respect the concept of giving thanks for all that I have and all that is good in our world and I am one of the many who respect it and do not try to jump to the Christmas season and disregard the importance of the day of gathering of family and friends for feasting and celebration for the joys of life and comforts of family and friends we have made in life! Furthermore, I love hot turkey and gravy and delicious seasoned stuffing and all the delightful fixins such as potatoes and casseroles and of course one of my favorite all time pies- Pumpkin Pie! I usually eat another slice of pie for breakfast the next morning and who doesn’t love Thanksgiving leftovers? I remember so vividly the Thanksgiving days at my grandmother’s as a child filled with so many family members I could never keep them all straight and sometimes the gatherings required three tables. I could smell Grandma’s turkey and stuffing cooking even now!
This year’s Thanksgiving festivities will be vastly different than the last twenty or so for sure. In the past, my wife, daughter and son would travel in on the day before for the holidays and my wife and I would meet friends for drinks and then celebrate Thanksgiving dinner with one of our sets of parents- alternating each year. If we ate dinner at my parents then we would stop in for desert and gathering of the clan for desert at my wife’s mother’s place. My wife’s family is large and I mean very large since she had four siblings and each of them as well as us had two to three children plus some aunts and uncles. Two recent Thanksgivings come to mind for me. The last Thanksgiving I spent with my parents in 2005 shortly before my mother’s death from the dreadful disease which stole her mind and soul! We arrived that day to take my parents out for dinner since my father’s physical health prevented him for doing anything and my mother’s Alzheimer’s had stolen her faculties to prepare the culinary delights she was so famous for and which I try to carry on today. However, when we arrived that day we found them unable to go anywhere and my son and I had to hurry out to the store and find what we could to cook and we all dined together for the last time. My mother died a few months later. In 2006, we returned to dine with my wife’s family but what made this special was the fact that with some help from my son and a few of my brother-in-laws I was able to get my father out if the nursing home and bring him there to dine with my wife’s family. I know he enjoyed that so much and I did too for later that next spring he died and just before Christmas after the Thanksgiving in 2006 year my only brother was killed in an accident. Telling my father at Christmas was one of the toughest things I have ever done in my entire life. I felt like I had reached in and tore out a piece of his heart! In 2007, we again celebrated Thanksgiving with my wife’s family as I had none left but, by late November of 2007, I knew that would likely be the last one I would ever celebrate with my wife, children and her family as I was barely holding on for the sake of my children from emerging fully as Melissa and living the life I was meant to live as a women and fully out transgendered person I truly believe I was suppose to lead. This year’s Thanksgiving is vastly different than the ones from recent past. I am no longer welcome at my mother-in-laws and expectedly so. My wife and I are now entangled in a angry, bitter divorce that seems to get worse by the day and she is embarrassed of me and by me. My daughter, despite her education and training in psychology and cultural liberalism and open-mindedness and maturity has abandoned me to support her mother as if one has to choose sides and my son has not spoken to me since July. Thanksgiving 2008 is the most different Thanksgiving I will ever experience. I have Paula of course and for that I am most grateful and, if she was the only one I had to celebrate this day with along with others in the LGBT community at the Thanksgiving Day celebration at the LGBT community center for those who do not have families to go to I would be also joyful!! For the community is my family! I would also give thankful for and I would be happy for Paula is my life and I am so thankful we found each other and will live our lives together celebrating many wonderful holidays.
However, this year my sister in- law (brother’s wife) and my niece and her fiancé and my nephew and his new wife have invited me as well as Paula who has also lost the ability to dine with her mother and father and children and such at the request of those family members, to come and spend the holiday with them. I will admit I am a bit nervous for this will be the first time any of them has seen me as Melissa-my true essence and spirit and will also be introducing them to my soul mate Paula. I worry about things not going as well since they are all the family I have left now. Part of the problem is that my brother and I were not very close because of our ages (14 years apart) and my time with them has been very limited –yet they were the only ones to reach out and accept me as Melissa and support me and now they have invited me as well as my love Paula to come and be with them for this holiday. If all goes well however, then clearly 2008 will go down on my list as one of my favorite Thanksgivings ever along with the ones I discussed above. Well here’s to hoping it does and that all of you in out there in our community have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with family and joy even if that family is defined solely by members of our community –for that is a wonderful family to have indeed and one to give thanks for as you gorge yourself on the feast! Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and I wish you all the peace and joy in the world! Hugs, Melissa
Pictured above is me with my good friend Joann for whom I am also thankful!

Fun with the Gala "Education"

Wow …….it’s cold and snowy and the girls are pouring in from all over for what I cannot believe is my fourth Lake Erie Gala. It is hard to believe that Gala is already here again and this year I have been heavily involved in planning and organizing this week long fun-filled wonderful event. This year attendance picked up late but it is really picking up and before the weekend is out we will have nearly 85 people here at the event celebrating its Tenth Anniversary. There are some girls who have been coming for all ten years!!
The week of shopping and pampering, diners and site seeing and late night partying is a conference unlike others in our community. It is a more organized event that the delightful Saugatuck and it dos not have the workshops and seminars like that of the Be-all or SCC. All these are wonderful events and I have been to them and learned and enjoyed much and met many wonderful people in our community. The Gala is a social gathering and it involves organized day activities like site seeing to wineries and train stations and chocolate factory and an in indoor putt putt golf tournament. We have a casino night and glitter fair and night out for comedy clubs and dinner at a delicious Irish Restaurant. That is the real gem of the Gala beyond meeting some of the friendliest and warm group of sisters you would ever want to meet anywhere in the world. The Gala is designed for fun and social activities and building friendships but don’t be fooled by all the fun you will have by coming to it –it is also and important educational event!
Educational you say Melissa …….why there are no workshops or seminars or anything of the sort. It is simply getting girls out to venues such as restaurants and museums and wineries and converted railroad stations and many other public venues. Yes it is – but those opportunities to get out in broad daylight for shopping and site seeing and diners with your sisters is by itself educational for many new or recently out sisters who until they come her had only been out little or not at all and when they did it was to clubs and bars under the cloak of darkness. The Gala changes all that and provides the opportunity to break new barriers for girls in getting out under the watchful eye of some seasoned sisters like Marsha, Laura, Cindy, Josephine, Gerri or Melanie and I guess I would now have to say Melissa Marie Alexander. I think if my wife could go back in time to change the course of events in my emergence as Melissa and decision to live fulltime as who I really am she would chose to go back to the days before I left for the first time to come to Erie Pa and spend a week living as Melissa. I showed up a girl who had been out for a while but mostly to clubs and a few choice restaurants. I left at the end of the week not only with many friends and sisters but also with the confidence to go to malls at noon, shop in downtown stores, go to plays, museums and other sites in broad daylight and be proud of who I was as a human being. My confidence soared and grew exponentially that week. I tasted for the first time what it would be like to live my life as Melissa. I left there a changed person- one that was committed to finding the peace and happiness I had been missing living as somebody I was not and it began the movement of my journey towards living fulltime today and the courage to undergo some complicated procedures that will make my body comport with my soul! So that my friends is education and a very important piece in my life and in the life of many of my sisters even those who don’t decide to go fulltime. They do gain the confidence to go anywhere and be themselves and be proud of who they are as people- transgendered people! The Gala also serves to provide education to the public as well. The people of Erie have been invaded each year at this time by transgendered people who pump money into their city economy and who by their contact with us at restaurants, museums, wineries and golf courses as well malls and spas get the opportunity to interact with us and learn that we are just people- fun loving and warm hearted people who just happen to be transgendered! The city has been slowly educated- one citizen at a time.
So gather up your parkas and snow boots girls and head on up to Erie Pa for its Tenth Anniversary Gala. You will warm up to its welcoming friendly people and find many wonderful sisters –some of whom will become your closes friends in the community. You will not regret it! Spouses are always welcome and maybe that will educate them as well and you can find a peaceful coexistence or a deeper understanding. All in all it is a wonderful time and loads of fun and one you simply do not want to miss! It is time to gather in Erie for the Gala and let the “real life education” begin and the fun and support to carry you through.

The time is now for our community!

The world is made up of many different people with many different cultures and backgrounds and here in the good old US of A we have always referred to our heritage of bringing people together in our country in a “melting pot”.
We have watched groups struggle as they came here at first until another group came and took there place on the bottom of the chain. The Irish, the Italians, the Japanese, the Eastern Europeans African –Americans although clearly not by choice- they all came and after some struggles integrated into our society. Black people, particularly by virtue of the fact they were brought here by a vile institution known as human slavery, suffered through great hardship and struggles for human rights through the civil rights periods of protests, marches and legislation finally achieved many of the goals of equality. Recently, this country elected a black man as President – something most of the people of my father’s generation swore would never happen- but it did! The victory has given hope to many formally shut out or disadvantaged people that dreams can be achieved and success found despite the color of one’s skin or the makeup of his or her ancestors. Woman suffered as second class citizens based on a patriarchal society that rewarded men and held woman down. Woman fought for the right to vote and then hold office and more and more women enter careers everyday that were once held exclusively by men. Two women have been nominated for Vice- President of the country although the wage differential is still there, legislation such as Title VII and others have helped woman success and rightfully so! Legislation existing today protects someone based on sex, race, national origin, age, color, or disability. There remains only a few groups in this country that seem to be at a distinct disadvantage and one of them my friends is people like me – transgendered people. Now I am not looking for the “poor little me” response I am merely stating a fact.
Now is the time for our community, as small and “hidden” sometimes as it is, to forge ahead in our struggles for our rights and protections. I do not seek special help and I doubt most if any of my brothers and sisters in this community do either- just the right to be who we are and not be denied employment or housing or a continuation of either merely because we are transgendered people. We seek the same rights as others in society. We seek to find housing and services and to work a career we enjoy which also helps pay the bills and such and to do all of this without harassment or discrimination Now I have always said you cannot legislate prejudice for that is something learned but you can legislate against that prejudice being used as a basis for discrimination against transgendered people. We have much to accomplish but I believe our time is coming in the next five to six years and it will take all of our efforts to make this happen. I am excited to be a part of this change which can occur in the eventual enactment of the ENDA and Hate Crimes bill legislation which now has a greater chance of passing in the increasingly Democratic Congress and the election of Barak Obama. It will not come easy my friends and it will take the efforts of many of us to make this a reality and a forging of a relationship with others in the LGBT community. Herein lies our problem!
Most of our community is underground in one form or another and the numbers we have to work with and achieve our goals like others have in the past two hundred years of American society is quite small. The problem is we only have the “middle” and the other sides of that middle are many times either cloaked or in stealth mode. Those that are not out of the closet yet operate in a cloaked mode in which they are out limitedly if at all and so they are not willing to risk exposure to be involved in our efforts to achieve these important goals. Most of our community lies in this so called cloaked group. I remember I use to be there although after time it became more of protection for my children than for me. That all came to a screeching halt when I tore down the cloak of secrecy and came out to the entire world! It was a great feeling and it has brought me peace and happiness I did not know could exist! There is the group in the middle like me who are undergoing transition in which w are living life fulltime in our desired gender and undergoing all sorts of procedures like electrolysis, hormones, surgeries and the like. We generally take very active roles in the community. We are not afraid to be out and about and known as transgendered people. We have not reached that point where “stealth” is even under possible consideration. A substantial amount of activism in our community comes from this so called middle group. The third part of our community is those who are post transitional and who operate in a world of stealth. Having fully transitioned and looking the part and carrying all the right documentation they go about lives as woman and act like they never even had the organs or hormones of the other gender. They seek to seamlessly blend into the world of their true gender and let no one be the wiser. This works real well if you are able to move jobs and to another part of the country. However, stealth also means severing one’s self from the transgendered community and thus they are not likely to be an active supporter of our community and its needs and goals for equality. Although there are some fully transitional members of our community like my friends Debbie, Chloe and Barbie or of course our national leaders like Mara and others at the NCTE, I also know of some in the so called middle group who attempt to operate in stealth mode even before fully transitioning. This leaves us with only a handful of people to fight our struggle for dignity and equality. Why is stealth even a consideration for those in our community? As Donna Rose stated in her wonderful speech at SCC this year, can one truly ever reach “stealth”. As she so eloquently pointed out “the internet has changed one’s ability to go stealth as some simple searches can reveal most everyone’s past” so don’t fool yourself into thinking you can hide from anyone “who wants to take the time to find out your past- ever!” Therefore, true stealth is not really obtainable in our modern world. Accordingly, post transitional members of community should be in the forefront our leadership and activism for our rights and dignity as people. Now I am not advocating that post transitional people should not try to lead a normal life in the proper gender following transition. I will try to do so I know and I don’t advocate running around in t-shirts that say “Hi – I am a transgendered person” all the time and I know I will not be doing so. However, abandoning our community for me after full transition is NOT an option for me. I know that I am spiritually and emotionally a woman and that it is my true essence of who I am as a human being. I will live my life as a woman and enjoy the fact that my outward appearance and body will finally reflect who I truly and have always been in this world- a woman. However, I was born genetically a male and thus I am, by nature, a transgendered person and will always be such regardless of how much I spend on surgeries or how my hormone levels read. Nothing will ever change that and I am fine with that indeed! I am not ashamed to be a part of this community. I also believe that if others find out I am transgendered- so be it. I will use that as an opportunity to show others in society that I am just a human being and that transgendered people are just people too. Use these opportunities to educate people not excuses to run and hide! Never be ashamed of who you are as a person because you are transgendered. The community is my transgendered family and I feel compelled to be involved in it and be active in it and work with my sisters and brothers in achieving the goals we can achieve as our turn in history comes into fold in our fight for our dignity and rights as human beings -just as others have in other communities throughout our history.
There is much work to do such as lobbying members of Congress and writing letters and attending events and activities which serves to promote our community and its efforts to achieve our goals. Money can be contributed to the NCTE and your time can be volunteered to assist in these efforts. Now is the time for our community to get behind these efforts and work for the rights and dignity of all members of our community so that those who come behind us may find an easier path and one filled with more dignity and understanding. I can only hope that many who are cloaked will find courage to come out and those who do will chose a course of being involved and active in our community and when the time comes, that they remain active in our community and not chose to lead life in stealth but one with the courage and pride of being a wonderful human being who just happens to be transgendered. Remember some of the ten affirmations for LGBT spirituality:
1. We celebrate the unity we create in the midst of our diversity.
2. We affirm the inherent beauty, worth and dignity of every LGBT and straight person.
4. The choice is not whether to be LGBT or straight but whether or not to lead an authentic life.
5. Coming out is a courageous and spiritual act.
And most importantly………10. No one is free when others are oppressed!